TresSugar

The How-To Lounge: Calling Someone You Don't Know

DearSugar — Mon, 19 May 2008 11:10:35 -0700

Whether it’s for work or personal reasons, calling someone you don’t know can be very intimidating. For whatever reason - perhaps because all of the normal body-language clues are removed - the phone seems to make even the most mundane conversations a little more awkward and uncomfortable. Fortunately, getting past the fear of the phone just takes some practice, so to learn some tips for calling someone new, read more.

Even though it’s only the first 30 seconds, the introduction is often the hardest part. My rule of thumb is to confirm you’re speaking to the right person, introduce yourself, and give your reason for calling. Keep it short and simple.
If you know the person through someone else, make sure to include that along with your name so they understand that you’re not just a random caller.
While I won't recommend that you write down everything you plan to say before you sit down and dial, if you're really nervous, it can help to jot down the first thing that you'll say, or any of the topics you need to cover. Even if you don't use it, it might make you feel more comfortable just knowing the cheat sheet. is there
Although small talk and pleasantries can be important when it comes to breaking the ice, they can also lead to awkward conversations and lingering silences, so it’s not a bad idea to leave them until the final moments of the call when you have more of a rapport.
Even if you’re keeping the small talk to a minimum, it’s still important to stay pleasant and kind throughout regardless of the person on the other end of the line. I always wait for the other person to finish talking before chiming in with my own thoughts, and I try to end the call with as sincere of a “thank you” or “it was great talking to you” that I can muster

Remember, practice makes perfect so don’t avoid making phone calls even when you don’t want to.

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Do Tell: What Are Your Nervous Habits?

DearSugar — Sun, 04 May 2008 10:00:00 -0700

We’re at no loss for bad habits that we wish we didn’t have, so what about nervous habits? I’ve lost more jewelry than I care to count because whenever I'm nervous, I start fidgeting with my rings or earrings, and I bite my lip too. So what about you? Do tell, what are your annoying, silly, or just plain peculiar nervous habits?

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Dear Poll: Are You a Nervous Laugher?

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Feb 2008 13:00:00 -0800

I have a very loud laugh that some say is contagious, so I guess I should feel lucky that I'm not a nervous laugher. When I say nervous laughter, I mean someone that giggles when they're uncomfortable, sad, or even angry - like at a funeral or when they are put on the spot at work. So what category do you fall in? Are you a nervous laugher or do you save your giggles for something that's actually funny?

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The How-To Lounge: Being Confident When You Don't Feel It

DearSugar — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 10:00:00 -0800

We've all felt nervous or shy in situations that we'd give anything to be confident in - first dates, job interviews, meeting your significant other's parents, and the list goes on. Unfortunately, the nerves we're feeling inside can end up on display for everyone else to see in the way we hold ourselves, make eye contact, speak, and smile. Fortunately, there are certain ways you can give the illusion of confidence even when all you feel like doing is hiding in the corner. To learn things you can do to fake a little confidence, read more

It's been said before, but I'll say it again, maintain eye contact. Don't look at your toes or behind the person's head - you'll only seem scared or disinterested.
While not applicable in a more serious or somber setting, you can usually get a lot out of smiling often and laughing easily. A little lightheartedness will make you seem comfortable.
Speak up! I don't mean speak louder; I mean just talk. Answer questions in full sentences, not just with a word or two. Come up with your own questions too. You may think it's better to keep quiet than to say something silly, but most people assume wallflowers think they're better than everyone else, where as most people won't notice if you say the wrong thing.
Keep your chin up, literally, and stand up straight. Not only is it good for your posture, but also it immediately makes your entire stature look more striking, and having a presence will give you the appearance of having more confidence.

The best part of all these tips is that once you start following them you'll definitely start to feel more confident!

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The How-To Lounge: Calming Your Nerves

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 10:00:00 -0700

I think it's fair to say everyone has suffered from jitters and nerves before a big meeting, speaking in public or in anticipation of a social engagement. According to O Magazine, an estimated 40 million Americans suffer from anxiety disorder, so here are some tips to help you calm those nerves.

Click here to read more

The most important tip is to give into your anxiety. Pushing it away or trying to ignore it will only make it worse, so face it straight on and accept your nervousness.
Don't let your anxiety make you absent-minded about what's around you. If you are nervous about a meeting, make sure you are listening to what is being said; don't let your mind wander, or else you are bound to get more anxious if you are called on and weren't paying attention to what was said.
Don't be too hard on yourself for getting a bad case of the jitters. No one is perfect and no one expects you to be, so make sure to give yourself a break.
Ask for what you need in order to make you feel less anxious.
Take a stand and express yourself. Don't be a push over, as it will just cause more anxiety later on down the road.
Face your fear by doing a similar activity on a lesser scale. If it's socializing with strangers that makes your heart pound and your palms sweat, practice with a smaller group with someone you trust by your side. Ease your way into feeling comfortable with your fear

If you have any other good tips, please share them with us, the more the merrier!
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The How-To Lounge: Combatting Wedding Day Cold Feet

DearSugar — Wed, 06 Jun 2007 09:30:00 -0700

In the Spring of 2005, the "run away bride" Jennifer Wilbanks made headlines when she took her cold feet to another level, making up an elaborate story to get out of her wedding all because of wedding day jitters. While it is perfectly normal to get cold feet before your big day, there are ways to calm your nerves.

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Wedding planning can be incredibly overwhelming and time consuming, so make sure you aren't confusing cold feet with the burden of over planning your big day. Ask for help if you need it
If you are getting married to this man, chances are you trust your fiance with anything, so talk to him about your feelings and your fears. Getting married is a huge step, so it is perfectly normal to have mixed emotions and he could be feeling a little rattled himself
If you don't feel comfortable talking with him for fear that it will just upset him, talk to a trusted friend, your family, or even better, a close married friend who has probably been where you are
Try walking away from everything that has to do with your wedding and take a deep breath. You could be simply overwhelmed and in need of some alone time, some intimate time with your husband, or just an escape that a weekend away might cure
Sometimes writing down your feelings and concerns makes you see a little more clearly and can help weed out the small stuff
If you or your fiance does experience cold feet, most of the time your nerves will go away and you will realize that what you were feeling all along was excitement, not fear

If your jitters don't subside, it is always a good idea to invest in wedding insurance. Unfortunately, sometimes couples decide at the 11th hour that they aren't right for each other after all, so listen to your gut and your heart and do what feels right. Good luck!

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10 Smart and Sexy Books

TresSugar — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:00:59 -0800

Forget the Literary Review's Bad Sex Scene award - we want the good ones, but not the smut . . . necessarily. Luckily, Nerve tracks the books with the best sex scenes all year with its Henry Miller awards. Named after the novelist, it rewards the best literary sex scenes in the English language. We've selected our 10 favorites.

Source: Flickr User jamelah

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Grab Bag: Dating Without Drinking - Is It Possible?

TresSugar — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 12:10:00 -0700

How to date without drinking. - Your Tango
Does going on the Pill curse a potential relationship? - The Frisky
Does douchebag Tucker Max have mommy issues? - Lemondrop
Why some men hate talking on the phone. - Em & Lo
Some thoughts on recycling the ex. - Smitten
A woman tries out "pickup-artist" techniques. - Nerve
Someone thinks calling yourself a cougar is not empowering. - Jezebel

Grab Bag: He's an Ex but I'm Still Jealous He Got Married!

TresSugar — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0700

When an ex gets married and you're still single. - Your Tango
One man's experiment with an adultery website. - Nerve
Can a man have an orgasm without ejaculating? - Em & Lo
How much is too much information? - The Frisky
Last-chance-for-a-Summer-fling checklist. - Smitten
Sports writer lists all sporting events Jaycee Dugard missed. (What?!) - Jezebel
One woman's Craigslist sex ad encounter amusing for us - not so much for her. - Lemondrop

Hump Day: I'm Curious but Nervous About Back Door Action

TresSugar — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 07:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“I’m curious about having anal sex with my boyfriend, but I’ve had unpleasant experiences in the past. Any tips?” To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more

I’ve noticed an increase in questions about anal play over the last few years, and while I think it’s great that more people are discovering new ways to experience pleasure, anal play isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Many people don’t enjoy it at all and unfortunately, some guys have a tendency to pressure their partners into doing it. Quite a few women report that their boyfriends have seen so much anal in porn that they’re convinced that every woman wants it. But sex in porn is like a car chase in an action movie. There’s a lot that happens behind the scenes that you don’t see in order to create the illusion that shows up on the screen; in the case of anal sex - lots of lube and warming up.

For some women, anal play (note: not just anal sex) heightens their orgasms. First, the anus is very sensitive and packed with nerve endings. Second, its muscles are connected to the rest of the pelvic muscles and contract along with the vagina during orgasm. Third, there are people who enjoy the experience of doing something naughty or taboo.

So now that we have that taken care of, there are three ingredients to hot anal play: relaxation, lubrication, and communication. Let’s take them one at a time.

Relaxation: the anus is made up of two rings of muscles and they’re under both voluntary and involuntary control. With practice, you can learn to increase how much control you have over your ability to relax. And ironically, if you’re nervous about anal play hurting or not being fun, it can make the anus get tighter, which makes it more likely to be unpleasant.

The best way to get started is to go slowly and start small. Try a little external pleasure with a finger or a slim vibrator. If you’re concerned about keeping things clean, slip on a glove. Experiment with tightening the anus and bearing down - you’ll be able to feel it contract and relax.

If you want to try penetration, go slowly and use lots of lube (either water-based or silicone-based, which doesn't dry out as easily but is harder to clean off). You’ll probably enjoy it more if you’re also doing something that you enjoy such as using a vibrator. Lots of women report that anal play on its own isn’t nearly as much fun as when it’s an add-on.

Communication: the anus is a delicate part of the body and it’s easy to get too rough with it. It’s super-important to be able to tell your partner when things are uncomfortable, if you need more lube, or if you want to try something else. For that matter, it’s important to be able to say something if you’re not enjoying it, or if you’re experiencing any pain. And if your partner is pressuring you to do something that you don’t want to do, that’s a big red flag!

Important safety tips: any toys that you use for anal play need to be smooth, have a base, and ideally made of easy-to-clean silicone. Since the anus is so much more delicate than the vagina, it’s easy for toys with bumps and ridges to cause discomfort. (If you have a porous rubber toy or you’re not sure if it's made of silicone, cover it with a condom.) And NEVER put anything that has been used anally inside the vagina - that’s a great way to give yourself an unpleasant infection. Lastly, if your toy doesn’t have a base, there’s a chance that it could go all the way in and not come back out. That can mean a trip to the emergency room.

If you’re looking for more info, here are some great places to start. For books, I'd recommend Anal Pleasure & Health and The Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Women. For DVDs, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Anal Sex and Anal Massage For Lovers are great.

I hope that helps! Email the folks at TrèsSugar if you have more sex questions. I’d love to hear from you.