TresSugar

Is Space in a Relationship a Good Thing?

DearSugar — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0800

I'm a firm believer that couples shouldn't spend every free second they have together. It's important for each person to have other friends, hobbies, and interests. Not only does it give you time apart (which is a must every once in a while), but it also helps to strengthen each person individually, which in turn makes you stronger as a couple.

So a little time apart is healthy, but what about space? I'm sure you've said you need your space before, if someone was being too clingy or if you were constantly arguing. Can space or taking a break really make a bad relationship better? Or, is saying you need your space just sugar-coating an inevitable break up?

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Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all - with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer, read more

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.

Group Therapy: He Needs Space, but He's Still Calling

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend of three years said he needs space. He said this after a long period of arguing and confusion over my big-time jealousy issues and clingy behavior. I don't feel he is trying to break up with me, since he's sent me at least five emails since he asked for space three days ago, and we have spoken on the phone (him being the one who called) at least three times a day. So I am a bit confused.

I think he is trying to say I need to stop my compulsive need to be around him 24 hours a day, and just back up a bit. What I need to know is how do I do this? I do obsess all the time about what he is doing, and I'm starting to truly believe I have forgotten about my own life. For the record I have toned down my calling, emailing, etc. a ton to show him I can let him breathe. Any advice or tips on how to handle this situation is greatly appreciated.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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DEARSUGAR NEEDS YOUR HELP: Please Respect My Public Space

DearSugar — Mon, 06 Nov 2006 12:30:00 -0800

DEARSUGAR and Anal Annabelle need your help. Is it alright to confront someone who is oblivious to infringing on your personal space when you are both travelling on mass transit? They are really making your travel experience unpleasant, but they are total strangers. What do you think?

Dear Sugar
I have to travel often for work and so I’ve come to accept having to share close quarters with strangers on airplanes and trains. Most people are respectful of your personal space because they want you to be respectful of theirs; but every once and again you get stuck next to someone who has no concept whatsoever of common courtesy.

For example on my most recent travel adventure I was seated about an inch and a half away from a rather bulky, muscle-y guy on a seven hour flight who had no sense of spacial relations. He conveniently used both armrests, chewed and popped his gum loudly for hour stretches at a time, and listened to blaring music on his headphones. Even worse he sat with he legs parted so that they would often drift into my seat area and we would constantly and awkwardly skim each other’s thighs.

I definitely know that I have a low tolerance for people like this, but I was really going nuts. I was constantly checking my watch and the seven hour flight seemed like seventeen hours. What’s the protocol on public misconduct? Do I have the right to say something to him about his behavior or will it make me look like an over-anxious and irrational psycho? Anal Annabelle

Needs some space :(

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 10:59:55 -0800

Hi Sugar,

On NYE me and my bf of almost 4 years got in a fight about him going out with his friends bar hopping (he's 22 I'm 20) or staying wiht me. Well he ended up leaving but he went out to his dad's and spent NYE there. Then on New Years morning he called me up and we went out for breakfast and eventually ended up telling me that he needed space and some time to figure things out. He went from 3 different colleges, Marine boot camp (which ended in dissappointment because he dislocated his shoulder and had to come home), then straight into working full time and back to college online all within 3 and a half years. So he is a little confused needs to figure out what he wants from his life. He says that it is nothing with me and that he loves me and know that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but he just can't be around me when he makes these descions because I am too much of an influence and he just needs to do this on his own right now. So he moved back home for the time being but we have talked everyday even if it is only for a few minutes and he still says he loves me. I guess I'm just worried that what if he figures out that he doesn't want me in his life anymore? I don't think I could live my life without him and this is so hard for me. I just need some advice. Thanks

masmith

Hump Day: I Feel Used When I Have Sex With the Man I Love

TresSugar — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"After five years of being apart, I'm now re-dating my high school sweetheart whom I love. We lost our virginities to each other, and even during those five years we continued to have sex every now and then when we were single and managed to see each other. (We went to colleges in different cities.)

Now that we are together again, we've decided to wait a while before we have sex, but that does not mean that I don't find him attractive or that I don't sometimes just want to rip off his clothes. The problem is that one of the last times we had sex (about a year before we officially reconnected), I felt like a prostitute. I don't exactly know why, I just felt used afterwards and it was not enjoyable to me at all. I think part of the reason I say 'prostitute' is because he kept making me change positions and just seemed really into it for himself. I love him and I know that he loves me, but I think I'm having trouble getting over that experience. Even now, he will ask me to dress up for him so he can masturbate, which, as his girlfriend, I would normally be happy to do, but I just get that 'used' feeling again. I feel like a piece of meat, or just an object.

Of course he senses my change in happiness and it ruins the mood. I don't know exactly why I started feeling this way and I don't know how to get over it. I'm so afraid that once we start having sex, I will continue to feel this way. What's wrong with me? Please help!"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more
First thing: there is nothing wrong with you or how you’re feeling. Whatever is going on for him, whatever his intentions or motivations, there is absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel. There’s a big difference between having uncomfortable feelings and having something be wrong with you.

Second thing: trust how you feel about this. Something in this situation doesn’t feel right to you, and whether that’s about him, you, or the two of you together, your feelings are there to tell you something important. Unfortunately, they don’t always give you a lot of useful information, but they are valuable for making sure that you know that something is going on. In my experience, the best thing to do is listen to that and try to figure out what those feelings are trying to tell you.

It sounds like you have some unresolved feelings from that first experience of feeling like he was using you. When old feelings linger, they can affect how we feel about present-day experiences. Sometimes, that’s because the current situation is a lot like the past one, and at other times, it’s because we project those emotions onto the present even when the circumstances are very different. Either way, the best approach is to create space to talk about them and figure out what you need. I strongly suggest having that conversation with him when you’re not in the middle of the emotion because that makes it easier to talk about what’s going on without getting lost in the feelings.

Since you said that you’re not sure what it was that made that so uncomfortable for you, here are a few questions that might be worth exploring:

What was it about that first time that felt uncomfortable for you? When he was into changing positions so much, what about that made you feel used? Was it how he did it? Something he was saying? If he had said or done something differently, would that have made it better for you? The more you’re able to answer questions like these, the easier it’ll be to talk about your experiences.

Also, I’m not quite clear from how you phrased it, but when he asks you to dress up for him while he masturbates, do you do that? In my book, that counts as sex and I’m wondering how that fits into your mutual decision to hold off on sex. I can totally see how a request like that could trigger that “used” feeling if the two of you are supposed to be waiting. If it feels to you like he’s pushing your boundaries or trying to get you to do something beyond your comfort zone, one of the best things you can do is tell him that you don’t want to do that. If he persists, that’s a big warning sign to end things.

It would be really easy in this sort of situation to imagine all sorts of reasons why he’s acting like this. And while any of those guesses might be accurate to some degree, I want to caution you to try to not jump to conclusions. For example, some possible things that might be prompting him to act like this could be:

Maybe he’s gotten interested in experimenting different ways of having sex and doesn’t know how to start the conversation with you about it, so he’s just going for it. Maybe he’s gotten into porn and is trying to act out what he’s seen on the screen. Maybe he wants to explore some fantasies, his or yours, and hopes that you’ll reciprocate with your ideas. Maybe he’s clueless about how these situations feel to you and thinks that you’re enjoying it as much as he does, at least until it’s obvious that you don’t. Maybe he’s being selfish about your sexual interactions. Maybe he’s hoping that you’ll speak up with ideas of things to do.

Of course, there’s no way to be sure what actually is going on for him unless you ask (and he’s willing to tell you). The longer these things build up, the bigger they get. So as challenging as it may seem to talk about it with him, it’ll be a lot easier if you do it sooner rather than waiting. Take some time to tell him how you’ve been feeling. Find out what his intentions were. Trust your feelings and keep your boundaries solid.

I know that’s all pretty vague and I wish I could give you some more concrete suggestions. But there are too many possibilities for me to be able to steer you more than that. This sounds like a really hard time for you and whatever you decide to do and however things work out, I hope you find the support that you deserve.

And no matter how you feel, there is nothing wrong with you.

Ask a Gay Woman: I'm Bisexual - How Do I Come Out?

TresSugar — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

This week, an out and proud gay woman helps a 16-year-old girl figure out how to come out. After you read her answer, be sure to check out TrèsSugar's Lesbian and Bisexual Support Group in the community, as well as TrèsSugar's Group Therapy group where I found this question.

Today's question: "I'm a 16-year-old girl who's currently in a relationship with a boy. I'm taking college classes along with my high school ones, and I have poetry that's published. People tell me everyday that I'm gorgeous and absolutely amazing. My downfall? If they knew I was bisexual, I would be alone. I've come out to three of my gay friends, but that's it. I was voted most optimistic for favorites, but people don't know how really miserable I am. I'm in love with a girl, and I want to give myself to her completely. To kiss her, to hold her. But I don't want to be hidden, and I don't want to lose everything I have. HELP ME, I'M BEGGING. Signed, Tormented."

To hear what a gay woman has to say, read more.

Dear Tormented,

I know what you are going through is hard and scary. When I was growing up I felt very confused about the intense feelings I had for other girls, and I couldn't even admit to myself that I was bi or gay, let alone anyone else. So first and foremost I just want to say that you are very strong and brave to admit these feelings to yourself and reach out. Please don't take your fear as a sign that you can't handle this - if you couldn't handle it I think you would have buried it way down and not even bring it up as a possibility. There are a few different things about your worries that I want to address:

First, before you decide how to handle your feelings about this other girl, you have to figure out your feelings for your boyfriend. Do you really want to be with him? Or are you just being with him because it is safe and simple? It is too hard to figure out how you are feeling about your sexuality and the girl you say you are in love with if it is all wrapped up with shame and secrecy about possibly cheating on the person you are dating. If you know deep down that it is someone else and not him you want to be with, then break up with him. You don't have to tell him all the details of why you are ending it - just that it isn't working for you right now. Then you can have some space and time to think through the issue of your bisexuality without the anxiety of betrayal.

Secondly, I am not sure exactly what kind of community and family you are living in, so it is hard for me to address how real your concerns are that you will lose "everything." It sounds like you have some gay friends, which means people are out in your community and you have some support, so I think you should consider that maybe after the initial shock this wouldn't be as devastating as you think. Definitely it is still not the total norm, but living in fear that you won't be accepted is making you miserable, so I am not sure that finding out that certain people will be fine with it and others won't be could be that much worse. But I think you need to talk to some people you trust to help you figure out how to best handle your specific situation. If there is a gay and lesbian community center in your town you could get some confidential advice from someone. There are also some good websites: Sex Etc. (a website about sex run by and for teens) and this Planned Parenthood teen talk blog.

The most important thing is to know that you are absolutely not alone with this, that a lot of people go through this, that you will be OK, and that there is a lot of support for you out there.

Signed,

A Gay Woman

Rapper Makes Swindling Record Company Fund Her PhD

TresSugar — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 12:01:46 -0700

"This is a story that needs to be told. I'm an example that you can be a teenage mom, come from the projects, and be raised by a single parent, and you can still come out of it a doctor."

Stories about record companies screwing musicians out of royalties are standard news, but Roxanne Shante's struggle with her former label has a happy ending.

In 1984 at age 14, Shante had a hit called “Roxanne’s Revenge,” a response to UTFO’s hit “Roxanne, Roxanne.” Considered hip hop’s first female celeb, Shante came before Lil’ Kim, Salt-N-Pepa and Queen Latifah, but did not get as big as they did, and in addition, shady record contracts meant she saw few royalties.

Instead of despairing or giving up, 19-year-old Shante remembered a clause in her Warner Music record contract: the company offered to pay for her education for life. Although she struggled to get them to hold up their end of the deal (Shante figures it was a clause they probably threw in never thinking a teenage mother from the projects would care about education), they finally relented. $217,000 later, she got her PhD in psychology from Cornell in 2001. Shante, now 38, focuses her therapy practice on urban African-Americans who tend to balk at seeking mental health help.

In addition to being a therapist, she offers $5,000 college scholarships each semester to female rappers and gives advice to aspiring female musicians on her MySpace page. Roxanne’s revenge, indeed!

Internet Keeps Homeless Population Connected

TresSugar — Wed, 03 Jun 2009 14:00:00 -0700

"You don't need a TV. You don't need a radio. You don't even need a newspaper. But you need the Internet."

A 37-year-old homeless man in San Francisco says he stays connected through Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and the forum he runs on Yahoo. Shelter attendants report that more and more overnight visitors are showing up with laptops and New York City is putting computers in shelters it operates. Perhaps keeping homeless people wired to the Internet will help them escape from the margins of society.

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Conventional Wisdom: Ask a Bartender

TresSugar — Mon, 18 May 2009 06:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend who was also my best friend has left me, very cruelly. Ten days after the breakup, he started posting pictures of himself with a new girlfriend on Facebook! I hate my job in the family business and want to go abroad. My parents are extremely unhappy about this. None of my friends are here anymore; they have all moved out of town, either getting married or getting a career. I am lonely. I don't even have anyone to go watch a movie with.

Although I have a postgraduate degree, I am not confident that I will find a job in this economic climate, after three years of working in the family. My mom has been diagnosed with an ovarian cyst, which may or may not be malignant. Being the only child, now I am duty bound to take care of her, postponing my rebellious move out of the country. I am 26 and have no idea where my life is going. I have taken to popping Xanax and sleeping off my days; I prefer my dreams to my reality. I wake up at nights with a thumping heart and read novels as long as I am awake. Show me a way. Tell me what to do . . . please. I need help!

- Woeful With Wanderlust

To see what the bartender had to say, read more.

Dear Woeful,

I am not sure where to begin here. I seriously had to shake myself a stiff martini before I could delve into all of your issues. It sounds like someone has been having the only kind of party that is not any fun: a pity party. It's time to splash some cold water on your face, snap out of your benzo-induced haze, and do some serious soul searching.

Although your ex-boyfriend's behavior may seem cruel, he might have been unhappy for a long time and checked out of the relationship months prior to making the move. People get lazy in that comfortable space and often don't have the gumption to break up with the person until they meet someone else. You should be thankful that he had the decency to break up with you rather than carry on some torrid affair based on the fear that he didn't want to hurt you.

I am going to take a stab in the dark here and guess that you were one of those girls who let her friendships wane, instead spending nights at home watching movies with your boyfriend. Please learn something from this experience. You should only have to experience that feeling of complete and utter aloneness once in your lifetime. Having a great group of friends always helps ease the pain of a breakup. They are there to remind you what a fun, smart, and sexy person you are and can say things like, "There are so many other fish in the sea," and "We always thought he was a douchebag but just didn't have the heart to tell you."

As far as your family and career go, yes, yes, yes to living abroad. Become bilingual, trilingual, quadlingual. People automatically respect you. If you're worried about dilly dallying away your time while our economy is in the crapper, do some volunteer work in another country. I have a sense that you might be a business-minded gal; what about helping women in South America write business plans? Just a thought, but I am sure there are programs applicable to your profession out there, and I am a firm believer in always trying to better yourself.

You seem like you have been the dutiful daughter for far too long. Since you are the only child, I am sure your parents are going to be nervous, but they obviously love you and will not disown you for making an independent decision. Now, if your mom truly does have ovarian cancer, maybe consider a month-long trip oversees - in which case, party your ass off - instead of relocation.

Lastly, lay off the freaking Xanax. Benzodiazepines are highly addictive with long-term use. Your words suggest anxiety and depression, which I predict is a product of your current situation and hopefully not a chemical imbalance that needs medical attention. You seem like a hardworking, sensitive, and smart woman. Empower yourself instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Always trust your gut; it never lies. And don't forget to tip your bartender.

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