TresSugar

Say What? Police Chief Waxes Philosophical

TresSugar — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 13:45:00 -0700

"There is never a good time to leave, but there is a right time. It is the right time."

- Los Angeles Police Chief William J. Bratton, who made the surprising announcement yesterday that he is resigning. I find this quote very poignant. You could apply it to most any job, relationship, or other major life change. It's never easy, but sometimes, you gotta move on.

You Asked: I Feel Guilty For Moving On

DearSugar — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I recently got out of an eight-year relationship with someone who was my best friend. At the end he cheated on me numerous times and we both felt that we needed a break before either of us could work on our relationship. When we were separating, I instated a policy that neither of us would date other people for the first six months, but he wanted to be more "free."

After the split I went to therapy as I was heartbroken by his actions. During this time, I met a really great guy who I've since fallen in love with. The problem is that my ex has confessed that he still loves me. He told me that this break has given him time to grow. He's owned up to how badly he treated me and he wants a second chance. I know I don't want to get back together with him; however, I feel incredibly guilty that I have moved on while he has not. What should I do? How should I tell him that it's over, forever? - Starting a New Life Laurie

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Starting a New Life Laurie,

I understand that you feel badly because you broke the policy you instated, but you can't put your life on hold because your ex - who cheated on you - feels ready to make amends. Since he was the one who wanted to be more "free," how were you supposed to know that he wouldn't meet someone before you?

If you truly feel that your relationship with your ex has run its course, you should be honest with him so that he can close this chapter in his life and move on. Your guilt will subside, but in the meantime, enjoy the new man in your life - the beginning is the best part!

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Halloween Theory: Ghosts, Goblins, and Breakups?

DearSugar — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

A bunch of my girl friends have this theory about Halloween. According to them, if you've been dating someone but aren't sure whether you want to be with them or even if it's going anywhere, then Halloween marks a pivotal time. You either have to cut it off right now or you'll be stuck with them through the entirety of Winter. Admittedly it's a generalization and more directed at people who haven't officially committed yet, but I do think there’s some truth to the idea that people like to avoid a breakup during the holidays. So let’s hear it ladies: Are my girlfriends crazy or does the idea of being trapped until after the New Year ring true to you too?

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12 Steps to Falling in Love

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

For some, being single and dating is a lot of fun, but for others, being single can be frustrating, lonely, and just plain exhausting. I think both have their pros and cons, but if you've been feeling unlucky in love, Rabbi Shmuley's (of Oprah fame) 12 steps to falling in love might be of some help.

Admit you can't fall in love: Since many people couple up to avoid loneliness, Shmuley feels that admitting the reason why you want to fall in love will help gain realistic expectations.
Get help: Opening up about wanting to, but having a difficult time finding love will help alleviate some of the pressure and burden.
Heal the love wounds: Make amends with former lovers you may have hurt in the past. Accepting responsibility for your actions will help you fall in love again in the future.
Take your love pulse: Really ask yourself how loving you are. Shmuley feels that you cannot love specifically if you don't also love generally.

If you want to hear his eight other suggestions, read more.

Call a moratorium on dating: Before getting back into the game again, take a break from the dating scene all together and regroup. Shmuley feels it's best to separate yourself from intimate, emotional, and physical contact with the opposite sex until you hunger for passion and intimacy again.
Increase your possibilities: Expand your horizons. Stop looking for Mr. Right and start looking for Mr. Right Now.
Commit first, fall in love later: Love at first sight doesn't happen every time so commit first and fall in love second. Sometimes your true colors shine once you feel secure in a committed relationship.
Avoid meaningless sex: According to Shmuley, casual sex numbs the heart and dulls the body.
Let go of people who are wasting your time: Stop dating men that you know are wrong for you. If they fear commitment, are unreliable, or there's just no connection, stop wasting your time and move on.
Recapture your mental virginity: Don't compare men. Get the old out of your mind so you can focus on the new.
Go deeper: Skip over the small talk and start having meaningful conversations on your dates. You'll be able to get to know someone much faster and you'll be left interested and wanting to learn more about that person.
Become a love missionary: Shmuley feels that the more love you spread, the more love you'll find!

Letting go of those who waste your time is my favorite tip, obviously one that's easier said than done, but great advice nonetheless. What do you think of these tips? Do any of them ring true to you?

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You Asked: Should I Wait For Him?

DearSugar — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of a year and a half - I'm 23, and he's 21 - told me that he wants to break up because he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. But he also says that he wants to be good friends. We met at work, so we see each other all the time. He calls me every day and invites me to hang out with him. He told me that we might get back together, but for now he just wants to have fun and not handle the responsibilities of a relationship. He claims he's not completely over me, but I just can't read his signals. I want to wait for him, but I'm scared that I might end up waiting forever. Do you think he's over me? Should I wait for him?

- Longing Lacey

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Longing Lacey,

Though there is always an exception, I think the rule should be that unless a guy is willing to wait for you then don't bother waiting for him. In this case, I can't say whether or not he's over you, but I do know that he's choosing not to be with you, and to me, that's a pretty clear indicator of someone's intentions.

Of course, there's always a possibility for something to work out later on - life is funny that way - but I think in the meantime you should do your best to let go. If that means not hanging out with him then ask him not to call you anymore. While being friends is all well and good, sometimes it's important to put distance between yourself and someone else until your feelings blow over; you can be friendly, but just not friends. Perhaps without you, he'll realize what he's missing. Or maybe you'll realize that you guys are better off as just friends.

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Group Therapy: How Do You Let Go?

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 11:00:00 -0700

I am tired of my relationship with my boyfriend. He takes me for granted and clearly doesn't appreciate me and the things that I did for him while he was down and out. I believe that he's holding onto the relationship because he has no one else that will treat him like I will. However, I do have reason to believe that once something better comes along he's out of here. He doesn't respect me and or care who I talk to or go out with. Bottom line is he doesn't love me and he's incredibly selfish.

But I'm still human and it's hard to let go. It hurts. I become anxious when I think about telling him all of this - I know he'll go out of his way to hurt my feelings. That will only make me feel that much worse. I don't have any true friends. The one that I do have lives about two hours away; I have two boys and my parents. He's my day to day friend, so what do I do? How do I let go?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

DearSugar — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over four years. We've made it through a lot of obstacles together, and I love him dearly. We recently hit a plateau and have broken up several times in the last few months. It's been a rocky road lately, and I go back and forth daily about whether or not to stay. He is a great guy and treats me like a princess, but it seems lately like our entire relationship is an uphill battle that we aren't winning.

For a very long time, I mentioned to him that things needed to change and he ignored it. Then we took a break and suddenly he's changed, but at this point it almost feels like too little to late. I used to have a huge sex drive and always wanted him to touch me and kiss me but now, it's the exact opposite. Is this relationship salvageable? Is there anything I can do to fix this?

- On the Fence Olivia

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear On the Fence Olivia,

Four years is a long time to spend with someone only to walk away, so I completely understand your hesitancy on deciding whether or not to stay in this relationship. Since you don't mention any specifics about the things that "needed to change," I'll assume that they're a variety of issues that came down to you not getting your needs met. This happens in many relationships and it can cause one person to find the satisfaction of those needs in other places. It's likely that in the time he'd been promising to change with no evidence of such, you had been distancing yourself emotionally. Now that he's made the changes you're unable to close that space that's been created, thus creating that too-little-too-late sensation.

That said if you walk away from something without certainty you may be left with feelings of doubt or worse, regret. If your boyfriend really has changed, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and try reinvesting yourself in the relationship. If in a few months time you're still feeling the same way or your boyfriend has reverted to his old self, then at least you'll know that you gave it a last try. I hope it all works out.

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Dear Poll: Have You Ever Written a Dear John Letter?

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 10:00:00 -0700

A "Dear John" letter is the quintessential breakup tool if you can’t bear to say goodbye to someone’s face, or at least it used to be back when people wrote letters. With so many outlets for communication these days, if you’re going to back out of the direct breakup, it might just be easier to get him on the phone. But letters and well-written emails can actually be a great way to say what you really want to say to someone. So I wonder, have you ever written a letter to end a relationship?

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You Asked: Should I Try to Fall in Love With Him Again?

DearSugar — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my current boyfriend for about four years. We have lived together for three, and until recently things have been great. He works full time and goes to school full time. He has always had about a month-long period before Summer break where he is completely stressed out. In the past, he would tell me he needs his space during that time because he is grouchy and irritable. Over the last few months, he has been this way again, but he won't discuss it with me - he has basically shut me out. I have made multiple attempts to tell him I don't feel loved or "in love" anymore but nothing changes.

I have basically moved on and started to do my own thing. I am going out with friends and having a great time. Now that he is out of school for the Summer, he wants things to be back to normal. He realizes that he may be losing me, and he's scared. He has done a complete turnaround and it bothers me. I'm not holding a grudge, but I can't let his behavior go. I feel like something is missing from our relationship, and I have been meeting new people and seeing a lot of other possibilities out there. Should I stick it out and try to "fall in love" with him again or just move on? I want to remain his best friend as he's mine but I'm not happy.

- Sparkless Skylar

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Sparkless Skylar,

I hate to say it, but it's not uncommon for relationships to go through difficult months - some marriages go through difficult years! While treating someone badly under any circumstances isn't right, you admit that your boyfriend doesn't deal with stress well, and yet, it's only this most recent term when you've found yourself moving on emotionally. Perhaps this isn't a problem in your relationship - that he's unavailable for a month - but rather you're just realizing that your time together has run its course. And that's OK.

As hard as it may be to walk away from a four-year relationship, you shouldn't feel that you have to force yourself to try to fall in love with someone again. As long as you're truly ready to put your relationship aside then it's perfectly healthy to explore other possibilities. But now that he's communicating again, you owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to explain to him (again) what you're going through - be kind, but stay honest. Truthfully, it's unlikely that your friendship will be able to remain as it is now once you're no longer together, but it's more important that you be fair to yourself and him than stay just because you don't want to lose his friendship. Good luck.

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True Confession - I Moved on in Record Speed

DearSugar — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I got dumped by my fiancé a week ago. I thought he was off 'thinking' about our relationship and I held out hope that it wasn't over. But then I saw his dating profiles were updated and I realized that he'd moved on. That cleared the wool from my eyes, and only a few hours later, I hooked up with a previous friend with benefits. Man - sweaty sex is the best therapy ever! Can I be forgiven for moving on so quickly?"

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