TresSugar

Do Tell: Why Would You Move in With a Significant Other?

TresSugar — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 15:00:00 -0700

A group of researchers spent years studying couples to come to this scientific conclusion: most unmarried couples move in together because they want to spend more time together.

Only 9 percent of men and 5 percent of women said they moved in together because they wanted to "test out the relationship before getting married."

Couples I know have moved in for a whole range of reasons, including something as serious as an engagement or something as practical as wanting to save money on rent. What would motivate you to move in with your partner?

You Asked: Was Moving In a Bad Idea?

DearSugar — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I'm 25 years old and currently living with my boyfriend of four months. He recently moved to Ohio from California, which is why we co-habitated so quickly. Things are great, we are very happy and I believe he is the one. This is my first time living with a boyfriend, so I have a lot of questions. First off, is it normal for us to not have sex as often as we did before I moved in? I also seem to be getting uptight about the smallest things. I often find myself doubting our relationship if he forgets to kiss me before he leaves the house or if he doesn't seem excited to see me when he gets home.
My friends have been telling me it's because we now live together and that drastically changes a relationship but I just need some help and advice on how to ease into this change. How do I stay sane and in love all while living together and adjusting? - Acclimating Annie

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Dear Acclimating Annie,

You said it right, you're still adjusting to living together so before you get too carried away, I think you should take a step back and look at things realistically. Yes, there's an acclimation period you should take into account, but if you're feeling more distant from him than you were when you were living apart, it's time to have a heart to heart with your boyfriend. Since he knows you'll be home when he gets there, I bet he doesn't realize how you feel when he forgets to kiss you goodbye - so tell him! If you're nit picking about the small stuff, talk about your frustrations out-loud so he knows what he needs to do differently. I also suggest setting some house rules around chores, having people over, coming home late, cooking, paying the bills, etc. It's important to have set expectations so feelings don't get hurt.

As for the lack of sex in your relationship - I can't say if that's due to the move in, but if you feel something's missing, make sure intimacy is a top priority for both of you. Create more romance or set dates if you have to. Since you now have a roommate who is also your lover, it's more important than ever to keep the lines of communication open - it's what will make this living situation and relationship flourish.

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Would You Tell a Friend If You Thought She Was Making a Bad Decision?

DearSugar — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 11:00:00 -0800

Audrina moved out of the house she shared with Lauren and Lo last night on The Hills, and while her move should have been an exciting moment for her, it seemed a bit tainted with the looming decision of whether or not Justin Bobby was moving in with her. She seemed to have jumped the gun a bit and while her friends were obviously worried about her intentions and expectations with the move, only one of them spoke up! Sure, it's her life and the decision was already made, but ladies, tell me, if you thought your friend was making a bad decision, would you tell her?

Photo courtesy of MTV

You Asked: Why Do I Feel So Guilty?

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

After coming back from college, I decided to move in with my grandma while I continued my graduate degree. At the time, it seemed like a great move: My grandpa had recently passed away, my grandma needed some company, the college I was attending was nearby, and I had landed a job right near her. Now, two years later, I have finished grad school, and my boyfriend and I have decided to take our relationship to the next level. We've started to look for apartments and plan on moving in together, but I'm having a really hard time breaking the news to my grandma. I feel guilty leaving her alone, and she has voiced on several occasions (after hearing about other family members moving in with their boyfriends) that she opposes couples living together before marriage. I am 24 years old and am definitely ready to move on, so how do I break this news without hurting her? Would it be so bad to fib about the boyfriend being involved in the move? - Cautious Cassandra

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Cautious Cassandra,

While I completely understand the guilt you must feel over the idea of leaving your grandma alone, it's important for you to move on with your life and your relationship. Since she's no doubt grown very accustomed to living with you, when you do break the news, let her know that you plan on visiting her as often as you can and do everything in your power to follow through with that promise.

Now about not telling her that you're moving in with your boyfriend . . . if you anticipate her ever coming over to visit you, it won't take long for her to realize that you lied, but if she tends to stay home and wait for you to visit her, you could just leave your boyfriend out of the moving equation all together. What she won't know won't hurt her right?

Since I don't know how close your grandma is to your other family members who are bound to know the truth about your living situation, it might behoove you to just be honest with her from the start, even if it does upset her. Our grandparents' generation has very different beliefs on many things, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she won't understand. At the end of the day, you know how much your grandma can stomach, so trust your instincts and tell her what you feel comfortable sharing. Good luck!

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Relationship Protocol: His House or Yours?

DearSugar — Thu, 08 May 2008 11:00:00 -0700

If you're not ready to share the same mailing address as your boyfriend, chances are you take turns spending time at each other's apartments. But when you're flip flopping houses, it's easy to feel the nag of living out of a bag. In every relationship, give and take is key, but it seems like every couple ends up spending more time at one person's place. So whether your place is bigger or his place is nicer, where do you spend most of your time: his place or yours?

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Dear Poll: Does Your Parents' Opinion Matter?

DearSugar — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 08:00:00 -0800

It's been rumored that Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are moving in together, but the news of their co-habitation wasn't met with support from Scarlett's mom. Despite her disapproval, it looks like Scarlett and Ryan are moving forward with their plans regardless!

Sure, we all crave our parents acceptance and approval, but sometimes we have to be adults and make our own life decisions, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. There's been lots of talk over the past few months about conflicts between parents and partners but let me ask you this, how much does your parents' opinion matter when it comes to matters of your heart?

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8 Tips For Newlyweds Moving In Together

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Deciding to wait until marriage to move in together is a choice that many couples make. And though any couple's move-in is a serious step, there’s something particularly significant about newlyweds starting a life together. It’s exhilarating, but certainly a little scary, so I’ve come up with some tips for moving in with your new spouse.

Talk money beforehand. Discussing and deciding who’s paying for what prior to signing a lease or shelling out a down payment will save you many potential headaches down the road.
Be prepared for an adjustment. Once you’re living together there are certain parts of your relationship that will naturally change. Whether those changes are good or bad will be determined based on your attitude toward them, so stay positive.
Figure out both of your expectations regarding cleanliness. And if they’re different, come up with a compromise you both can live with.

To see the rest just read more.

It’s likely that you and your new husband don’t share the same style when it comes to household décor. Instead of battling it out over every piece of furniture, just come up with an entirely new style that can work for both of you.
As far as making your home habitable - signing up for utilities, fixing up the odds and ends, decorating, etc. - don’t make the common assumption that everything has to be done together. Let each of you take on a responsibility that you’re good at or have an interest in.
It’s OK to keep your own space. Everyone needs personal space, so don’t feel guilty or hurt if you and your husband want to have your own nook, drawer, room, cabinet, or area.
As with every aspect of a relationship, communication is extremely important. Talk about your needs, boundaries, and concerns before they become full-fledged issues.
Take a moment or two each day to show your appreciation to the other. Whether it’s an affectionate hug and kiss, or simple a “thank you,” it’s important to recognize everything the other person does - it will make for a more harmonious relationship in the long term.

To see all of our wedding coverage, check out IDoSugar.com.

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Group Therapy: How Do You Know When You're Ready to Move in Together?

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months and have spent every day together for at least the last three. We spend half the nights at my house and half at his, depending on our schedules in the morning. His house is closer to my work, but his friends live closer to me, etc. We have our own friends and we do our own thing often, but we always end up at one of our homes sleeping beside each other. We argue sometimes, just like any other couple, but by the time we get to bed, we've apologized to each other and reconfirmed how much we each believe in this relationship.

The problem is when I say that we're thinking about moving in together, people constantly say "Oooh, bad idea! Too soon! You should have a place to get away from one another at least until you're married!" But I don't see how that makes a difference! If we were married, we would be used to being able to "get away" from each other, which would just add extra strain to the relationship. If we were to move in early, we would learn to deal with the issues head on instead of running away from them, right?

I've never lived with a boyfriend before, but we may as well be living together now, as we spend every night together. Do any of you ladies out there have any advice for me? Have any of your relationships changed considerably after moving in with each other? Just give me some idea of what to expect when it happens.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: Can We Consider Moving in Together?

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I've been with my boyfriend for over a year, and I would do anything for him, but it seems to be a one-way street. We plan on moving in together next year, but lately I've been questioning that decision. My boyfriend tends to get upset over the smallest things, and it has a very big effect on me. For example, over the weekend while at his place, I decided to make breakfast and ended up using the last of the oil. He got overly annoyed, so I left immediately to go buy a new one, because he wanted to know when I would replace it. He thought I made a big deal out of the situation by going to store, but I was simply reacting to his behavior. I have done a lot for this guy and have never asked for anything in return.

I do not want to end up like him and refuse to contribute to our relationship, but at this point I'm sick of his attitude. I'm tired of him making me feel guilty when I retaliate. How should I handle him next time there is such an incident? Would it be just as bad to retaliate by limiting what I do for him? I don't want to be taken advantage of either. Is this only going to get worse when we move in together?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Do You Believe in Living Together Before Marriage?

DearSugar — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 11:00:00 -0700

Sometimes I feel like my grandmother's generation is like another species. Those women were just so different when it came to their opinions about relationships. I try to welcome my mom's advice, but sometimes, it's just so "out there," that I have to end the conversation.

The other day we were talking about my best friend who is about to move in with her boyfriend when my mom went off on this whole tangent. She believes that living together before you get married is a bad idea because you'll end up getting divorced. She said it's like playing house and unless the two people are committed to each other by law, that they're not going to take the relationship seriously. She thinks it makes it easy for people to walk away from their relationship problems, instead of staying together to work them out.

I had to completely disagree with her. I believe that it is absolutely essential to live with someone before you make the marriage commitment. Being in love with someone and living with someone are two totally different things. You've got to try the person out to make sure you're compatible roommates. If you can survive living together, and work out all the things you need to do like grocery shopping, cleaning, sharing a bathroom, and paying the bills, you're on your way to a successful marriage.

So what do you think about living together before marriage? Is it a good idea or a bad idea? Will it pave the way for a healthy marriage, or cause a future marriage to end up in divorce?

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