TresSugar

Do Tell: What Did Your Mother Teach You About Respect?

TresSugar — Thu, 07 May 2009 07:00:00 -0700

"Respect" isn't just an awesome song by Aretha Franklin. It's a seemingly simple word loaded with meaning, from showing respect for our elders to seeking respect at work to demanding respect in relationships. In the Respect Campaign of the Family Violence Prevention Fund, it means respecting yourself and your loved ones in order to avoid resorting to violence or emotional abuse.

So in honor of Mother's Day and the Respect mission, tell me: what lessons did you learn from your mother about respecting yourself and others?

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You Asked: His Mother Is Trying to Control Him!

DearSugar — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 13:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for four years; since I was 20. Despite working full time, he still lives at home with his mother who is very controlling, and in turn, he lets her treat him that way. The problem is he can't say no to her. She frequently makes plans for him and guilts him into staying home. It's gotten to the point where he doesn't have any friends he sees regularly besides me.

The other night we arranged to go out for dinner. When he got home from work, his mom had made him dinner because he forgot to tell her we had a date. Rather than saving the dinner she made for another day, he called and told me he changed his mind about going out and then he got mad at me for being inflexible when I got upset.

Clearly his mother is causing a rift in our relationship. It feels like she is trying to fight me for his attention all the time. This has been going on a long time now so I guess it is my own fault for putting up with it, but I don't think he will ever change. Do you think I should wait until he moves out or see if things change on their own? - Competing Courtney

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Competing Courtney,

First thing's first - talk to your boyfriend about how his actions affect you. He might be feeling pulled in two directions by the two women he loves most. So if he's not aware that he's hurting your feelings, he might just be trying to avoid hurting her's. Since your boyfriend has a full-time job, I think it's time he looks for a place of his own. I understand money is tight for almost everyone right now, but there are always options: roommates, a small studio, or a sublet.

Waiting for something to happen on its own isn't your best bet here, so voice your concerns and set some ground rules. If he's unwilling to make time for both of you, you'll need to decide if this rift is something you can tolerate. Good luck.

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Dear Poll: Who Do You Turn to First?

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Since life isn't always wine and roses, we all need someone to turn to when the going gets tough. Sixty percent of you still turn to your mom, like me, but I'm sure a lot of you also turn to your significant other when you need comfort, support, or even just a voice of reason. Of course, our moms are irreplaceable, but when you're in a relationship that special someone can easily become your new go-to person during a time of crisis. I know it's a tough question and it depends on the circumstance, but generally speaking, who do you turn to first: your mom or your significant other?

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You Asked: My Mother Won't Help Me

DearSugar — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My parents are divorced and I've lived in my mother's house for most of my life. I'm currently a student at a very prestigious college. My mom has never fulfilled her responsibilities as a mother. Throughout childhood, I was barely fed and lacked balanced nutrition. My meals were always frozen dinners that my mother bought in wholesale. I've had to work since I was 14 years old so I could pay for my academic competition fees, my own computer, and a lot of my personal expenses. Since my earnings were usually in cash, my mother would "borrow" from me but never pay it back.

I have worked very hard to get where I am, but right now I am struggling to pay for college while my mother lives a lavish lifestyle beyond her means. In the three times that my mother has ever needed to fill out my financial aid applications, she has been four months past due, costing me thousands of dollars that she doesn't contribute to. I paid my first year of college on my own. When I asked my mother to help me with my second year, she acted surprised that I even needed to pay for college at all.

She cries to me that she lives from paycheck to paycheck, but I've seen her collection of expensive perfume and designer sunglasses, and the entire basement piled with her clothes. My father is barely employed with a low salary. I feel terrible asking him for anything. He lives well below his means in order to pay child support and his bills. I'm working overtime, but I'm running out of ideas as the tuition payment deadline approaches. Do you have any advice on how to persuade my mother to help me?

- Dead Broke Brooke

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Dead Broke Brooke,

I have no doubt that your frustrations with your mother are legitimate, but it doesn't sound like she's about to change anytime soon. I'm so sorry that things have to be this way, but I think the sooner you learn to accept that your mother is not your ally, the sooner you'll be able to let go of some of this stress.

First of all, it's time for you to take over your financial aid forms. See about getting your dad, who it sounds like has a much lower income than your mom, to claim you; I think it's very likely you'll be able to qualify for more aid, and he might actually get it in on time too! Meanwhile, request a meeting with someone in the financial aid department and start looking into other ways to get some of your tuition paid for. If you have to, drop to part time or consider taking a leave of absence. Whatever you do, stop asking your mom for money.

And finally, start speaking to a therapist through your on-campus health center. I think you have some serious pain regarding the way you were raised and treated by your mother. It's time to start to detach and distance yourself from those feelings; I guarantee on the other side there is much more happiness. Good luck to you.

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Relationship Protocol: Is He Set in His Mother's Ways?

DearSugar — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 15:00:00 -0700

After hearing stories from my married friends about their husbands, I realize how many men are stuck in their mother's ways! It may be endearing for a guy to be a mama's boy, but it can seem a little childish to demand that something be done a particular way for no reason other than, "that's how my mom did it." Does your significant other act this way? Does he like to do things or ask you to do specific things a certain way because that's the way his mom did it?

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Group Therapy: I'm Concerned About My Mom's Weight

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 14:00:00 -0700

My mom is overweight from a combination of stress, my dad's bout with alcohol, and her laziness about preparing healthy meals. As her daughter, I'm concerned for her health. Everyone in my family is on a path for better habits but her. We both decided to go on a diet together for moral support. But here I am nine pounds lighter, and she gained half a pound today at the weigh-in. She gave up after a week and dug back into her old eating habits, which involve eating away her feelings and everything in sight.

She also blames the majority of her bad eating habits on the fact that she does not have time to prepare meals, when in fact she does have time. She blames me for not preparing all of her food for her. I have a job, and I try my best to give her good meal ideas and even prepare some for her, but I can't baby her all the way; she has to put forth some effort. I try to help her, but I tend to get so frustrated when I see her eating things that are not part of our diet. Her health has affected her mood and state of mind. She has arthritis because of her weight, so she can't work out without pain.

This is an ongoing battle. Obviously she doesn't want to lose the weight, but she is at the heaviest she has ever been. I know that people have to want to change, but I want to help her. She would be so much happier if she could feel good about herself, but sometimes I feel like watching TV and eating is more important to her. What do I do? Is it wrong to want to help her change?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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True Confession - I Like Being a Stay-at-Home Mom!

DearSugar — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I hate that I have to defend my decision to be a stay-at-home mom. My friends and family think I just sit around and do nothing all day. They keep asking if I'm going to find another job, but I feel like I have the best job in the world! I have to make excuses to appease them but in turn I'm beginning to resent them. Can my friends and family be forgiven for not supporting my life choice?"

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What Traits Do You Share With Your Mom?

DearSugar — Thu, 08 May 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Even if you try to avoid it, you’re going to pick up some traits from your mom. From the way they hold their teacups to how they handle confrontations, moms pass down their tried and true ways of being women in this world. While there may be some bad habits we’d rather avoid, for the most part, the similarities we share with our mothers really are something special. So when it comes to personality and mannerisms, what do you and your mom have in common?

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What Are You Getting Your Mom For Mother's Day?

DearSugar — Tue, 06 May 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Since Mother’s Day is all about showing our moms how much they mean to us, giving a thoughtful gift is really important. Unfortunately, even if we know all the things our mothers love most, coming up with something original and meaningful can be incredibly tricky. I always find that finding something you can do together - like concert tickets, spa treatments, or a home-cooked meal - is a great gift for this particular occasion. So what are you getting your mom this year? Please share for those of us still scrambling for a great idea!

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Who's Your Favorite Celebrity Mama's Boy?

DearSugar — Mon, 05 May 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Since Mother's Day is fast approaching, I thought it would be fun to talk about men and their mothers! There's nothing more attractive than a man who knows how to treat a woman, and I think his mother has a lot to do with that. With so many leading men in Hollywood who love their mamas, tell me, who's your favorite celebrity mama's boy? Source

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