TresSugar

You Asked: Did I Destroy Our Friendship?

DearSugar — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been broken up with my ex girlfriend for three months - we had been together for more than four years. After the breakup we talked occasionally and our friendship was pretty solid. She recently flew to another city for a job interview and we got into a fight. I had finally expressed my feelings to her for the first time so I had a lot of built up frustration. I did say things out of anger, but they were not insults, I simply told her that I felt she no longer took my needs into consideration. She became infuriated and told me she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I have called her multiple times asking her to listen to my explanation - that I was scared of losing her to a job faraway, but my attempts have been unsuccessful. I don't know how to keep the friendship together and although I am still in love with her, I am willing to just be friends so I don't lose her from my life altogether. I have told her that I will give her space, but I am scared that the space will make her forget about my great qualities and the good times we've had. Do you have any advice for how to keep the friendship together? - Holding on Henry

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Holding on Henry,

You say you're concerned with keeping your friendship with your ex, but it's pretty clear that you are still in love with her, so this quest could be a difficult one for many reasons. I don't know the details of your breakup, but if you're interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with her, I'd be honest and tell her how you feel, as it's obviously affecting your current rapport.

Since you feel the need to explain yourself, try writing her an email. Let her know where your angry words came from and tell her exactly what you've told me. If it's space that she wants, you don't have much of a choice but to give it to her, but at least you'll know that she knows where you stand. Hopefully after she gets the breathing room she needs, you can work out your relationship and figure out where you fit into each other's lives. Good luck.

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Dear Poll: Have You Ever Had a Friend Cross the Line?

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Jul 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Though many of you have had perfectly platonic relationships with friends of the opposite sex, inarguably, there are certain friendships that can leave one person wanting more than the other. While the fear of ruining a friendship can help squash these feelings, sometimes the attraction and connection is so strong that a person can’t help but put themselves out there regardless the consequences. So what I want to know is, have you ever had someone break the just-friends rule with you?

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The How-To Lounge: Just Being Friends

DearSugar — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 11:00:00 -0700

It’s happened to all of us, right? You meet a great guy, and although you’re not attracted to him like that, you just adore him as a friend. Then suddenly, you get the vibe that he's feeling a bit more than friendly towards you. You want to nip any fantasies he might be having about the two of you in the bud but you don’t want things to be weird. Though some might say you can’t be friends with him if he’s into you, in most cases I beg to differ. To check out my tips on how to handle a situation like this, read more.

Unless he comes out and says that he’s into you, don’t directly say that you’re not into him. This will only create a horribly awkward moment, and make him feel embarrassed and emasculated.
That said, you do want to make sure that he understands that you aren’t considering him for any romantic openings in your life. If you have a boyfriend, mention him, but don’t go on and on about him. If you’re single, stay away from topics like sex and past relationships. They’ll undoubtedly send the wrong signal.
If he does refer to his feelings or the possibility of you guys being together, I would recommend the joking reply, like “oh we’d never work. I’m way too argumentative for you.” Keep it lighthearted, and change the subject ASAP.
Most importantly, if you don’t want things to get awkward then don’t let them.

Unless he’s desperately in love with you, these tricks should work. And if he is in love with you, it couldn't hurt to consider him!

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You Asked: I'm Having Feelings For My Best Friend

DearSugar — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I developed feelings for my best, guy friend a couple of months ago. We had been hanging out for less than a year and I thought we were compatible. When I finally got up the courage to ask him if he thought we would ever be more than friends, he rejected me. Surprisingly, we're still really good friends. I love spending time with him so much, but sometimes it hurts to be with him. How can I let go of these feelings I still have for him?

-Crushed Kim

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Crushed Kim,

When you have feelings for someone, they don't just miraculously disappear when the other person doesn't feel the same way. It's going to be really hard for you to spend time with him, since it will be a constant reminder that he's not interested in a romantic relationship. I'm sure you keep spending time with him in the hopes that he may change his mind and want to be with you, but that's really unhealthy for your heart. It's time to let him go, and that means putting his friendship on hold.

It may help to treat this like a breakup, and get a little space from him. It will give your heart a chance to grieve and will allow you to get him off your mind. Spend time with your family and other friends, and do things that make you happy. Be honest with him and say that you can't be friends right now, but that maybe in time you can rekindle your friendship. Good luck.

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You Asked: I'm Ready to Be More Than Friends

DearSugar — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have a guy best friend that I've known for six years. We hooked up a couple weeks ago and he confessed that he's always been attracted to me. Since we were friends for so long, I told him that we couldn't be more. I only said that because I was scared that it would ruin our friendship, but now I'm ready to take things to the next level and he says he doesn't want to. What should I do?

-Ready For Love Lindsay

To see Dear Sugar's answer, read more

Dear Ready For Love Lindsay,

It sounds like your friend's feelings were crushed when you turned him down and that he may not trust that your feelings are genuine since you didn't express them when he first expressed his. He may be holding back from turning your friendship into a deeper relationship because he's worried about getting hurt again.

The best thing to do here is to just be honest. I think you should try and see if this relationship could work out before going back to being friends. It's obvious that you have an attraction towards one another. Explain that you were nervous to move things to a different level, and worried that if things didn't work out you'd lose him as a friend. Tell him that you do have strong feelings for him, and that you can't hold them back anymore. Do all you can to prove that you want this relationship to work out, and since he has feelings for you too, I'm sure he'll change his mind. If he still wants to remain friends, and nothing more, then just be patient. Keep up the friendship, and when the time is right, I'm sure it will spontaneously blossom into more.

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Speed Read! Family and Friends of Iran's Neda Speak Out

TresSugar — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 09:30:49 -0800

Family and friends of Neda Agha Soltan, the young woman brutally killed in Iran while protesting, are speaking out about persecution suffered under the Iranian government and Neda's commitment to protesting. - Jezebel
Hillary Clinton is in Afghanistan for President Hamid Karzai's Thursday inauguration.- New York Times
Sports fans appreciate a win more if their team almost loses. - Lemondrop
Australian authorities are investigating whether Scientology is guilty of imprisonment, forced abortion, physical violence, and blackmail. - Times of London
All the vampires in Twilight are kosher. - Jewish Journal
Revisiting Jordan Catalano of My So-Called Life. - Double X
Courtney Love bids $120,000 for date with Bill Clinton, loses. - Culture Vulture
Sarah Palin's Going Rogue and the Gossip Girl books are more alike than you'd think/wish. - Vanity Fair

Hump Day: How Can I Become Multi-Orgasmic?

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I keep hearing about women who can have 'multiple orgasms' and I can't figure out exactly what this means. Does it mean a woman who can have more than one orgasm in a night? One orgasm after another with little downtime? (Is that even possible? Most women are so sensitive after having an orgasm!) Anyway, if it exists, is there a way I can become multi-orgasmic?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

Part of the challenge in defining “multiple orgasms” is that different people use the term to mean different things. For some women, it means more than one orgasm during a single sex session, whether they’re 5 minutes or 30 minutes (or more) apart. For other women, it means one after another, without much time between them.

You’re right that many women are extra sensitive after an orgasm, but not everyone. In fact, some women find that they can just keep going, especially if they change what they’re doing. For example, someone might find that she can have an orgasm from clitoral stimulation and then switch to penetration for a second one. Or maybe she might have one orgasm from oral sex, take a break for a bit with something else to keep the passion up, and then go back to oral sex for a second orgasm. And there are women out there who don’t need a break after one orgasm before they start building towards a second one.

Not all women can become multi-orgasmic, but many women can. Some women find that their ability to be multi-orgasmic can change over time, too. So if it doesn’t happen for you now, don’t stress about it. You may find that in a few years, something changes and suddenly, it falls into place.

One really great place to look for more info on how to do it is Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Woman. He approaches sex from the Taoist tradition, which works with sexuality as a form of energy that we can learn to channel, harness, and expand. If you’re familiar with energetic practices such as yoga, this perspective might be familiar. He has a book for men and one for male/female couples, too.

Another place you could look for information about this is Tantra. While most people only know about Tantra as a laundry list of sex positions from the Kama Sutra, there’s actually a lot more to it than that. Tantra is a set of practices that teach you to work with your sexual energy and it can help you expand your ability to experience pleasure, deepen intimacy, and have multiple orgasms. There are some good books like Urban Tantra and Tantric Sex for Women, as well as some DVDs.

In my experience, the best way to learn about Tantra is through experiential workshops because these are techniques that are much easier to understand when someone is demonstrating them. Most Tantra classes are fully-clothed and many are designed for people to come solo, while others are for couples. You can find out more about Tantra or look for workshop teachers on www.tantra.com.

One thing that I do want to be clear on: not everyone can become multi-orgasmic. If it doesn’t happen for you, there’s nothing wrong with you. I’ve seen a lot of people become very goal-oriented about it and they often end up sabotaging themselves because they’re not actually enjoying the sex that they’re having. So I encourage you to try it out and see what works for you, but don’t get so caught up in it that you forget to have fun. Otherwise, what’s the point?

The Dark Side of Cute

TresSugar — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0800

Kittens in casts. Babies nudged to laugh every five seconds. Stuffed teddy bears left at killing-spree sites. We are so surrounded by the tyranny of cute that even multibillion-dollar corporations have cute names like "Google" and "Twitter," and the uncute business of insurance is represented in ads by a cute lizard with an English accent. (And yes, I too am guilty of spreading cuteness.)

What's up with the cute? Writer Jim Windolf has had enough and decided to try to get to the bottom of what he calls the "self-infantalization" of Americans. His conclusion? There's a dark, manipulative side to cute. If you want to know what it is, read more.

In Daniel Harris's book Cute, Quaint, Hungry, and Romantic, he says that there's a hidden sadism to our love of cute, citing the barrage of images of cats falling, puppies slamming into mirrors, and even babies trapped in high chairs being prodded to laugh.

"The process of conveying cuteness to the viewer disempowers its objects," he writes, "forcing them into ridiculous situations and making them appear more ignorant and vulnerable than they really are. Adorable things are often most adorable in the middle of a pratfall or a blunder." In other words, they are cute insofar as they are helpless, and we, conferrers of cute, are all-powerful.

Becoming cute, conversely, is one way of disarming opponents or critics. It's not incidental, argues Windolf, that the cult of cute in the US emerged during the Bush years, when "the American image went from that of protector to invader, from defender of human rights to aggressor on the lookout for loopholes in the Geneva Conventions." Cuteness then, according to this theory, "came about as some sort of correction, as a way for us to convince ourselves and our friends that we're not as bad as our recent national actions have made us seem." (It reminds me of smiley emoticons at the end of passive-aggressive email messages and instant messages. In this case, American cute is like a ginormous cultural smiley face emoticon tacked on the end of dubious actions telling our allies we're not all that bad.)

Windolf traces American cute back to Japan's kawaii culture, which got huge 10 years ago but actually emerged at the end of WWII after it was "humiliated and emasculated." If you're interested in political and cultural psychoanalysis, I suggest reading this long essay. But whatever you do, remember - ~~sometimes a cigar is just a cigar~~ sometimes a cute kitten isn't just a cute kitten.

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Group Therapy: Are We More Than Friends?

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I am 24 years old and a single mom. I met a guy while in college who is six years older than me. We used to talk casually when we ran into each other on campus, but I always had a serious crush on him. Once I graduated I emailed him and said that I would like to stay in touch. We continued to email back and forth for about a month, then he asked me to meet him for coffee. We had a great time and continued to talk.

I asked him for help about deciding between a couple of career options that I was having difficulty with. He really helped me make my final choice, which I was really grateful for. I let him know how I much appreciated him, and he then replied by saying that he only helps those who are worth the trouble, and that I was one of them. That was about two months ago, and we've only talked once or twice since.

Recently he emailed me saying that he's sorry he hasn't been able to talk much but he's been really busy remodeling his home. When he's done, he'd like to have me over one evening to hang out. I haven't dated anyone since my son's father, and we were together for five years, so I don't really know how to read guys. Because things are moving so slowly I don't know if he just sees me as a friend or if he is hesitant because of my son. Should I be more obvious that I like him? Or just wait it out?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: Should We Be More Than Friends?

DearSugar — Wed, 07 Mar 2007 17:00:00 -0800

DearSugar --

So, this is a classic case of "I have a friend I like like that and I don't know what to do about it"! This guy and I have been hanging out since about September of '06; we met at a friendly gathering, and had a lot in common right away: similar interests, personalities, etc. and we got along well. We hang out frequently & talk or text almost daily; we exchanged Christmas gifts, I got him a birthday present, etc. I took him to the doctor & took care of him when he was sick. He helped me move & has attended some social events with me, yada yada, yada.

We've never officially been on a date; we've gone to the movies together & dinner, but we usually each pay our own way or whomever has the cash at the time buys. We're planning a trip together this summer; we'll be in his hometown, so he's staying with family & I think I'll be staying where the event is being held. Thing about it is, I really like this guy. I go back and forth on how he may or may not feel about me CONSTANTLY, and the minute I think all is platonic and I get comfortable with that, he does or says something (surprises me with a gift, makes flirtatious comments, etc) that makes me think otherwise.

Neither of us is dating anyone, and we haven't since we started hanging out. He gets defensive when I start talking about other guys, but then occasionally he'll bring up other girls, too. I don't know if I should jump in at let him know what's on my mind, or be content with the friendship, which I'd HATE to lose. I think if I do tell him, I might mention it on our trip. HELP! -- Platonic Pam

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Platonic Pam --

Wow. This really sounds like a wonderful friendship; it also sounds like really solid ground for a romantic relationship. The thing is about honest-to-god friendships, they're not as fragile as we imagine, Pam. I've been on both sides of this fence -- I'm sure many of our readers have, too -- and where there was genuine affection and friendship, we always made it through the initial awkwardness. If you knew for a fact you wouldn't lose his friendship, what would you do? I know this requires real emotional risk on a few levels, but from what you've described, it sounds like a risk worth taking.

I like the direct approach, but that's the kind of girl I am. What about waiting until after the trip? (In a perfect world, without a booked vacation, I'd say do it now. You might really think about that anyway, Pam.) Either way, the fellas seem to need to be doing something, some activity, during these kinds of conversations, so broach the topic at a casual dinner or on a walk. Be honest. I don't think playing it cool ever really works, especially if someone knows you well! Tell him he's one of your favorite people and that you consider him a brilliant friend. Tell him you feel nervous bringing it up (if you are), because more than anything else you want him to help you move again someday, but you were wondering if dating each other might be an interesting thing to do next?

Make sure he knows you're serious, Pam, and not just playing around. And make sure he knows you're perfectly willing and perfectly able to remain his friend if that's what he thinks is best. Sometimes life asks us to pull back the curtain and reveal ourselves. Since you asked, I say be brave, be yourself, and let the chips fall. I get from your note that you're pretty much there, Pam, that you'd like to know what else might be possible. It will feel terrifying. It will also feel like an enormous relief, no matter what. Courage, courage, courage, cowboy; I saw this written on a wildly whimsical painting & I say it to myself quite a lot ever since. Now it can be your mantra, too. Promise us you'll follow-up here? Please. Ladies, what do you think?

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