TresSugar

You Asked: He's Sending Mixed Signals

DearSugar — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me about a month ago. Before the breakup things were great; we were having a wonderful Summer. We talked of being together forever and we were so in love, but he had other things going on in his life. He didn't get into the school he wanted and is now taking a year off to work. It's a hard issue for him; I think he feels like a failure. But when he's home, all he does is play video games and he only works three days a week.

I do love him and he's very important to me, but it seems like he ended things just so he could avoid commitment. He said he doesn't love me the same way anymore but wants to remain friends, although his behavior has shown nothing like that. Recently I decided to stop contact with him, and I noticed that his phone calls started coming in more frequently. When we do see each other, which is rare, he tries to flirt with me. I'm sick of him calling me all the time and acting as if we're together when we're not. I've tried to talk to him and set boundaries, but so far all he's done is try to surpass them. My question is what else can I do to get the point across? How can I help him realize that he needs to be more responsible? How can I communicate these things and ultimately help him find his way?

- Over It Ilea

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Over It Ilea,

I've seen this situation before, and it's most assuredly a frustrating one. Fortunately, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and I'm glad to hear you're not up for allowing this behavior to continue. He does sound lost, and I'm sure his sense of failure in school, and life, is definitely a factor in his fears about continuing a relationship. However, regardless of the reason, you deserve someone who wants to be with you through good and bad. I mean, that's what relationships are really about. He's obviously afraid of losing you, which is why his phone calls picked up when you backed off. But that's the choice he's made, and he's never going to learn the consequences of that until he feels them.

Instead of trying to talk to him, get straight to your point. Be clear that you can no longer play the role of the de facto girlfriend. If he doesn't want to be with you, then he doesn't get to be with you and that's that. While you're at it, go ahead and mention that you think he needs to start taking some initiative in life. Encourage him to apply to schools for next year or start taking classes at a local community college. But once you've made your stance clear, you have to stand by it. Maybe he'll change down the line, and in that case, you guys can start considering a relationship again, but in the meantime, focus on your own future.

Source

This or That: Misinterpretation or Mixed Signals?

DearSugar — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 14:00:00 -0700

You and your best guy friend have known each other for over ten years and you’ve never been anything more than friends. You’ve both watched each other go through difficult times and failed relationships, but now things have become complicated. He’s finally settled down with a girlfriend, and you’ve found yourself pining away for his closest male friend. Would it be worse if . . .

This: After a night out alone with your best friend, his girlfriend suddenly finds your friendship uncomfortable? Apparently she feels like there’s more to it than meets the eye, and she’s demanded that he put up some serious boundaries.

Or . . .

That: When you go to put the moves on your crush, he humiliates you by turning you down mid-kiss? Apparently he likes you, but doesn’t want to do anything that could damage his friendship with your mutual best friend, but now things will be awkward no matter what.

Source

Handle This: Hit On in Front of Your Boyfriend

DearSugar — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 14:00:00 -0700

At a friend’s party you find yourself wandering around briefly separated from your boyfriend. You settle into the kitchen to fix yourself a new drink and run into a handsome guy. He immediately starts making small chat, and he turns out to be very nice and funny. You try not to lead him on, but you want to be nice and end up talking to him for a few minutes.

You’re laughing at a joke when you catch your boyfriend staring at you out of the corner of your eye. He’s watching exactly what’s happening, so how would you handle this?

Source

Flirting Is All About Mixed Signals

DearSugar — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 11:00:00 -0700

The Daily Mail is at it again, this time with research from Indiana University that examines the way men and women understand social signals, specifically in relation to flirting. As it turns out, men were less likely to pick up on the typical social cues than women. The article explains:

When shown images of women making advances, men tended to misread the sexual cues as friendliness. At the same time they mistook photos of women merely being friendly for sexual interest.

Following suit, research showed that women tend to assume men pick up on body language far more than they actually do, leading women to incorrectly think that a guy isn't into her when in reality, he's just not getting the message. What I found most interesting about this is that sending mixed signals is not always a conscious choice, but more often than not, a simple issue of miscommunication. Do you agree? Do you think the problems and anxiety around dating might be a matter of inadvertent mixed signals?

Source

You Asked: Should I Give Up Already?

DearSugar — Thu, 27 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I met a new girl through my job - she orders supplies through our company. Initially she did all of the flirting, asked specifically for me every time she came in, and even mentioned that she could tell I had been
working out. The last time she was in the office, I asked her for her number, and she immediately gave it to me and asked me for mine. After about three days, I finally decided to call her; her phone was off at the time so I was forced to leave a message. Two days passed and she still hadn't called back, so I called again and left another message. Another two days passed, and again there was no response. I called one final time and her phone was disconnected.

Three weeks passed, and I had accepted that she really wasn't into me, but then she called my job looking for a particular item again. She told me the reason she never called was because she lost her phone and she had just gotten her replacement. I got her new number and called her later that night. She answered and told me that she was hanging out with her friends, and she would have to call me back. Two days passed, and I called her again. This time she was at a birthday party and she couldn't talk. About a week ago, I called one last time, but she couldn't talk because she was busy.

I'm so confused because she seemed so into me every time she came into the store, but as soon as I started pursuing things, she started acting strange. I want to know what changed, and I'm tempted to ask her if she ever comes in again. Why would she suddenly act differently? Should I forget about her and move on?

- Persistent Paul

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Persistent Paul,

While it does certainly sound like this woman was giving you some mixed signals at the beginning, I think now it's safe to say that she's made her intentions, or lack thereof, pretty clear. The truth of the matter is that if she wanted to pursue a relationship with you, at the very least, she would return your phone calls, and in all likelihood, even stop what she's doing to spend a few minutes talking with you.

As to why she happily handed over her number and asked for yours in return if she didn't intend on following through, I can't say for sure. It's very possible that she thought you were cute and enjoyed flirting but didn't want a relationship. Or she might have met someone else. Either way, I'm sure you can find someone much more eager to be with you. Keep in mind that a good indicator of interest is a returned phone call; if someone can take the time to call you back, they obviously want to take a few minutes more to get to know you better.

Source

His Mixed Signals are so Confusing!

DearSugar — Fri, 11 May 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I've been seeing this guy for about six months now. We generally have a great time together, but I feel like he sends me a lot of mixed signals. I guess I want to know whether he's confused with his emotions or if he's sending me a clear message that he doesn't want to be with me.

The positives in our "relationship" is that I've met many of his friends and his parents, he refers to me by name to friends I haven't met so I know he's talked about me. The negatives are that he makes comments about how people in serious relationships are lame, how he's so glad he's not on the marriage track, how he doesn't think he can be with anyone until he's SURE that he can marry them, how people use their relationships as a crutch, he won't invite me to his friend's wedding this summer, and we're not officially a couple although he isn't seeing other people.

Dear, I'm not a clingy girl and I don't need to be invited to all his events, however, his constant commitmentphobia talk makes me feel like he's just warning me not to get too attached. My last relationship lasted two and a half years and I don't know if this is just the nature of a casual and possibly progressing relationship.

I'm trying not to act crazy and to just enjoy his company but his comments totally bug me and I've told him as much. I find myself acting out towards him which I'm sure just reinforces the idea in his head that he shouldn't be in a serious relationship. Do his actions speak louder than words or is he sending me a very clear message with his comments? --Conflicted Katlin

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Conflicted Katlin--

Have you ever had a talk with this man about where you both envision this relationship going? It is pretty clear by his comments that he isn't ready for a serious relationship, so if you are not on the same page as him, which it sounds like you aren't, your feelings are bound to get hurt if you continue traveling on the road you're on.

While you might be having a hard time deciphering if his actions are speaking louder than words, you must take those words to heart. I don't doubt that he enjoys spending time with you, but if you are staying with him in hopes that he will have a change of heart, I advise you to proceed with caution.

Six months is a long time to put up with such negative talk about relationships and can't make you feel very good. It sounds as though he is merely looking for a good time and nothing more, so if you are looking for a secure and stable relationship, unfortunately this man might not be the one for you. Trust your instincts and do what feels right. Good luck!

Source

Group Therapy: Help Me Read These Mixed Signals From My Co-worker/Crush!

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 14:00:00 -0700

I have a crush on my extremely attractive, newly single co-worker but before I say/do anything flirty, I want to gauge his interest, but it's extremely hard for me to get a feel for him for various reasons. When him and I are in a group at lunch he will never make eye contact with me or talk to me. He always addresses, laughs with, or comments with the other co-workers in our conversations. He sometimes dodges eye contact with me as well.

On the other hand, he will use IM as a way to send me individual messages all the time. He'll talk about stuff in the emails at first but then we'll eventually digress into other (more personal) topics as the emails progress. He's so sweet, open and friendly in his emails, it makes me feel like he's a different person from the one who doesn't talk to me in person.

Finally another weird thing is that he tends to get close to all the people I'm cool with in the office. As soon as he sees me hanging out with someone all the time, he'll start chatting it up with them which is weird because he's a generally reserved guy. Please help me understand this guy!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Source

How Do You Let Someone Know That You’re Interested in Him?

TresSugar — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 04:00:00 -0700

If someone came up to you and asked, "Hey, wanna make out?" unless you were a little cuckoo in the cabeza, more than likely you'd look at him funny and back away. Men might like it, though, because at least you'd be unambiguous.

In the journal Personality and Individual Differences, researchers asked 40 women between 19 and 22 what kinds of opening lines they might use to tell men they're interested in dating them. Although women get mixed messages from magazines and advice columns on the subject of whether or not men like being asked out by women, the men in this survey said they preferred a direct woman. Want to know why? Then, read more

One of the main reasons? Although women think they're sending clear signals that they like someone, it's been shown that they often behave no differently toward a man they're not interested in than one they are - at least for the first minute or so of an interaction. (Perhaps because we're taught to be nice and polite, no matter what?) In the fourth and 10th minute, though . . . that's when the signals are less ambiguous.

I don't know about you - but I try to be friendly to everyone, so I could see how a man I'm not interested in might think I am, but for the one I am interested in? Short of asking, "Wanna make out?" I'm a big enough flirt that he'll know for sure. How do you let someone know that you're interested in him?

Source

McCain's Rx for Health Care: Will Employers Ditch Insurance?

LibertySugar — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 06:00:52 -0700

John McCain wants to give every person that purchases his or her own health insurance $2,500, and families $5,000 in tax credits. Yesterday the Associated Press tried to answer this question: How many employers would drop insurance coverage for their workers because of this tax policy? In other words, will health insurance still be an attractive benefit?

Under McCain's incentive plan, some individuals would be able to make a profit from the system - they could buy a plan for less than the credit, keeping the difference. Thus, McCain's plan could give a boom to the market for individual plans, at the risk of weakening the employer based scheme.

Experts say the results will be mixed. To see why, read more.

It would probably take a while for employers to overhaul a benefit system common since World War Two; but, if employees opt for their own coverage, there may be reason to drop the pricey benefits offer. McCain has said that employer-provided insurance leads to higher health costs and inefficiencies.

Since Americans overwhelmingly approve of an employer paid insurance scheme is McCain taking a risk with a plan that might signal a transition away from that scheme? Should America move away from job related insurance and toward an open market solution?

Source

Now is as Good a Time as Any

DearSugar — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 08:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar
I am so confused about my relationship with one of my good guy friends. I can't tell if he is interested in me as more than a friend or if he wants to take it to the next level. He sends me mixed signals all the time and I have had it!

For example, he will say "I think we would make a good couple" then a couple of days later he will say "We should always just be friends so we won't ruin what we have." I don't know what to do. I really like him, but I just can't figure him out. Can you give me some tips on how to handle this situation? Anticipating Annie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Anticipating Annie
Getting mixed signals can be totally confusing so I understand your frustration. It sounds like he is pretty confused himself. If you are sick and tired of waiting for him to make a move, you are going to have to take a risk and ask him how he feels.

What does your gut tell you? Does it feel like he is interested in you? Sometimes the perfect guy could be right in front of your face so what do you have to lose? Since you are not sure what his reaction would be, try adding a bit of comedy to your conversation to ease the tension. The next time he makes a comment about what a great couple you would be, try saying something like this:

"You're so funny; you always say that but you never act on it...why not? Are you afraid of me? You should know by now that I don't bite!"

Take his reaction and run with it, you never know, he might be too afraid to make a move on you because he doesn't think you are interested in him. Sometimes guys are extremely insecure about being turned down so perhaps all he needs is a little push in the right direction to gain the confidence to make the move. Good luck.