TresSugar

Tweeting Your Miscarriage or Abortion: Good For Women?

TresSugar — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 15:00:00 -0700

When Penelope Trunk, a blogger who shares almost every detail of her life over the Internet, had a miscarriage, she decided to tweet about it. She wrote:

I'm in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there's a f**ked-up 3-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin.

Writer KJ Dell'Antonia over at Double X thinks Trunk did women a favor with this TMI tweet. She reasons that Trunk should not give her miscarriage, or would-be abortion, different treatment than other events that happen to her. In fact, Dell'Antonia thinks all women should be more open to talking about these issues because pretending that they never happen reserves "a special layer or shame and condemnation for the bodily functions that happen only to women."

So Dell'Antonia says: "go ahead, tweet your abortion" because it's good for womankind. Do you agree?

DearSugar Needs Your Help: My Best Friend Is a Train Wreck!

DearSugar — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 09:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar and Worried Wendy need your help. Her best friend has spiraled out of control and Wendy's concerned for her future. She wants her to be happy and healthy, but doesn't know what to do in order to help her get there. Do you have any advice to offer?

Dear Sugar,

One of my absolute best friends is a major train wreck. We are the typical yin and yang: I am the nice, have-it-all-together type with a stable family, and she is the tell-it-like-itis, free spirit from a broken home. Luckily this was an amazing recipe for our friendship, and I feel extremely lucky to have such an open-minded go-to girl in my life. Unfortunately, she makes awful decisions. I have always known this but recently it's worrying me to no end. She met a guy, and within two months she was moved in and pregnant. Sometime in the following two months, she had a miscarriage, moved out, and dumped the guy - she hasn't looked back since. This was mind-blowing to me, but I was supportive the entire way through.

Due to our conflicting schedules, it's difficult for us to hang out as much as I'd like, but we never miss our daily calls to discuss life and everything going on with us. Last week, she called to tell me that she contracted an STI. To me this should be a wake-up call, but since the cure was just a quick shot and a week of no sex, she is right back in the game again. She's already slept with two guys and is seeing multiple others. This behavior is incredibly destructive. She has no structure and not a care in the world. I absolutely love her as a friend and want her to succeed in life and flourish in relationships, but she clearly doesn't want the same things. Do you think this is a typical case of her being in her mid-20s? I don't know what I can do as a friend and what my boundaries are. Is there anything I can do?

Source

Sex Myth: You're More Fertile After a Miscarriage

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

If you're trying to have a baby, you may have heard that after enduring a miscarriage, your body is more fertile. Unfortunately, according to a recent article in The New York Times this is just a rumor. While it's true that your progesterone levels (the hormone that helps with pregnancy) are elevated, there's no evidence to support the notion that it can help you conceive any faster. What's more important is that you get back to your regular menstrual cycle, because as soon as you're ovulating again, you can try to get pregnant.

Miscarriages aren't the most pleasant topic, but it's important to know that they're actually fairly common, occurring in 30 to 50 percent of pregnancies. The reason we think they're uncommon is because most miscarriages occur early on, so early in fact that the woman doesn't even realize she's had one. The good news is that when a woman does get pregnant again, she only has a 2.25 percent chance of miscarrying again. The odds of a third miscarriage are less than one percent.

Keep in mind that starting a family can take some time. As the article notes:

Another study in The New England Journal of Medicine followed a large sample of healthy women seeking to conceive and found that of those who miscarried, 95 percent became pregnant within two years.

So if a little one is on your mind, try to be patient and have fun making it happen.

Source

Do Tell: When You Get Pregnant, How Long Will You Wait to Tell?

DearSugar — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 16:00:00 -0700

With so many of my girlfriends getting married and starting families, I definitely have babies on the brain. While I've been told that it's better to wait three months to tell everyone, when I finally do have a bun in the oven I think I'll be too excited to keep it a secret. I'm well aware that problems can happen (and are common), so if by chance I have a miscarriage, I'll need my friends' and family's support to get through it.

That's my choice though, and every person gets to make her own. So what about you? Do tell: When you get pregnant, when will you share the news?

Source

Sunday Confessional: I Hurt My Sister Out of Jealousy

DearSugar — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for just under three years now. It's been a difficult process to say the very least. The worst of it came about nine months ago when I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I was so happy to be pregnant that the miscarriage was absolutely devastating. For weeks afterwards I was depressed and felt hopeless.

During this time, my sister, who is a couple of years younger than me, broke the news that she was pregnant. The father of the baby had basically told her that he wanted nothing to do with the baby. She told me in a very gentle and respectful way, and initially, I tried not to get upset, but when she started to tell me how she was scared about having a baby and being a mother, I completely lost it. I turned on her, called her horrible names, said she would make a bad mother, and basically went out of my way to hurt her. She left my house in tears.

Even though I knew I was being stubborn, I didn't make any efforts to apologize to her. Although it devastated my parents, I refused to speak to my sister or have anything to do with her unborn child. It took months of personal healing to realize that her pregnancy wasn't any kind of personal attack on me. I realized how selfish I had been and unkind. About a week ago, I tried to reach out to her and apologize - she's in her eighth month now - and she basically slammed the door in my face. Now, I don't know what to do. Should I be forgiven for my terrible behavior?

Source

DearSugar Needs Your Help: She's Afraid to Be Intimate Again

DearSugar — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 09:00:00 -0800

DearSugar and Weary Wendy need your help. After an unexpected pregnancy and miscarriage, she's afraid to become intimate again with her boyfriend. They love each other very much, but she's scared. If any of you have been in a similar situation, she'd love some advice.

My boyfriend and I recently found out I was pregnant. It was a shock because we've always used multiple forms of protection. We were in a really bad position to have a child, both still in college and living 400 miles apart. When I told him the news, we both broke down. We fell asleep holding hands and crying on the couch. Two days later, I had an early miscarriage. As upsetting as an unplanned pregnancy was, this miscarriage was also pretty hard on both of us, but my boyfriend has been unwavering in his support for me. After the first night, he apologized for reacting so selfishly and for not acknowledging what I was going through. Since then, he's been the most amazing partner I could ever hope for. In the wake of these sad surprises, our relationship has become stronger and our level of intimacy has grown exponentially.

My problem, though, is that both of us are nervous to be sexually active again, especially since when we conceived, we were using a condom and I was on the pill. Neither of us wants to be in this position again so do you have any advice for us? Was this just a fluke?

Source

You Asked: Should I Tell Him I Was Pregnant?

DearSugar — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have been having an off-and-on affair with a married man. I know that it's wrong, and we've been trying to stop, but I recently had a miscarriage - I didn't even know that I was pregnant - and he is the only man that I've been sleeping with. My emotions are completely mixed up. I know he has always wanted children, but his wife is younger and wanted to wait until she was ready. I also know that things need to end between us, but I feel I should tell him about the pregnancy even though logically, I think I should just leave well enough alone. This is my opportunity to make a clean break and avoid any other damage. He and I are good friends, so I feel I owe it to him to tell him. What should I do? Do you have any advice?

- Conflicted Carrie

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Conflicted Carrie,

My gut reaction is to tell you not tell him, but that may not be what's best for you. Going through a miscarriage can be a very scary and emotionally draining experience. It's only natural to want to talk about it with the person who you feel closest to, so if you feel that you need to tell him, I think you should. If you don't feel that his support will do you any good, I think leaving well enough alone is your best bet, since I don't think his desire to have kids means that you owe it to him to say anything.

You should use the seriousness of this situation as another reason to end the relationship, which includes the friendship. If you think telling him will create an impetus to keep the relationship going, then I would urge you not to. Instead seek support in your friends or your family, write it in a journal, or talk to a therapist. Good luck Carrie.

Source

The How-To Lounge: Helping a Friend Cope With a Miscarriage

DearSugar — Fri, 16 Nov 2007 10:00:00 -0800

Having a baby is one of the most exciting times in your life, but unfortunately, pregnancy is not always a happy time for everyone. The risk of miscarriage is always a possibility. If you've never had to support a friend who has suffered from one, here are some tips to keep in mind.

Click here to read more

As a friend, there is nothing you can do to take away the pain your friend and her husband are enduring. The best thing you can do is simply let her know you're there for her. Sometimes knowing you have a shoulder to cry on is all it takes.
Since miscarriages are so unfortunate, disappointing, and personal between couples, give your friend some space. Once you've expressed your sorrow either via phone or sympathy card, let her come to you when she is ready to talk, ask for help, or ready to see her friends and family.
While it's always a nice gesture to send flowers, sometimes they can just make people more upset. Opt for sending a food basket or even have some groceries delivered to her house instead.

Fortunately, I have never been in this situation so if any of you have other suggestions you would like to share, please do so in the comments below.

Source

You Asked: When will I be Ready to Move on?

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--
Last year I unexpectedly got pregnant while on birth control. At the time I had been dating the father of my baby for over five years, and he beamed with pride when he saw the first ultrasound, but I was very young (22) and wasn't sure how to tell my conservative family. When I was only 7 weeks pregnant, I had a miscarriage. The miscarriage was devastating to me, but since no one knew I was pregnant in the first place, I didn't tell anyone. I was exhausted for about 8 weeks during and immediately after the first day of miscarriage, and I was sad and detached in a way I didn't know how to explain to my partner and best friend.

After a few months, he broke up with me, saying I was just so sad all the time, and he didn't think we were "working." After a week apart we ended up getting back together, we stayed together for two more months and I was very happy, but then he left again. It has been six months since we broke up and he is now dating someone else--someone who looks like me, seems like me, and my friends tell me he is taking her to the exact places we used to go and doing things we used to do together. I am devastated and I don't understand if he misses me or not; it seems like he doesn't, but it also seems like he is trying hard to replace what we had.

I know I should be trying to "move on," but I miss him and my baby so much it hurts. I just want to be a family again. When I tell my other 20-something friends how much I want to have children, they look at me like I am crazy. I have heard people say miscarriage is sometimes the will of God, but that phrase gives me no comfort. Why would God take away something that gives so much happiness? How long does it take to recover from a miscarriage? Will I ever feel happy or whole again? --Feeling Blue Brenda

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Feeling Blue Brenda--

I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage -- that must have been a devastating time and my heart truly goes out to you. Although it doesn't give you any comfort, the saying rings true -- a miscarriage is your body's way of telling you it wasn't meant to be, that the baby wasn't healthy. Carrying such an upsetting weight on your shoulders all on your own can't be good for you. Have you given any thought to seeing a therapist, or opening up to your family or friends? Talking about your feelings, and getting some of your hurt and heartache off your chest is the first step to the grieving process. Keeping all your emotions bottled up inside will not do anything to help you move on.

It sounds like your boyfriend couldn't handle the pressure or intensity of your hurt, or maybe he was hurting just as you were, but ran from his reality instead of facing it head on. Regardless of his rationale, he should have been there for you, so as much as you miss him, it sounds like you are better off without him. He clearly can't support you when the going gets tough. Everyone grows and develops at different paces, so try not to be so hard on yourself. With time, your wounds will heal. And Brenda, I can't stress to you enough how helpful it will be to open up to a trusted friend or counselor -- sometimes you just need a little help from a friend or a good shoulder to cry on. I wish you well.

Source

Group Therapy: Miscarriage #2

Tue, 08 May 2007 03:00:00 -0700

Today I suffered my second miscarriage. What am I suppose to think? Has anyone else had one (two +) and had successful pregnancies after? This time around it seems I have low progesterone. I think right now I just need to know I am normal.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]