TresSugar

Sex Myth: Men Want Sex ALL the Time

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 11:00:00 -0700

Where did we ever get the idea that men want sex MORE than women? While it's true that men might feel like it's cool to have as many sexual partners as they can get their horny little hands on, there's got to be women out there satisfying they're need too, right?

In my opinion, it all depends on personality, not gender. Some men don't want sex all the time, and some women can't get enough.

A woman could be sitting on the couch with her man watching TV. She'll reach over and gently rub his thigh, and he'll push her hand away and say "C'mon babe, I'm watching the game." How humiliating, not to mention frustrating!

This debunked myth is screwing things up (no pun intended). In order for a women to want to make love, part of her needs to feel wanted, to be chased, and sought after. So what's a girl to do if her guy has a low libido?

Want to find out, then read more

If you are feeling sex-starved and your man isn't in the mood, give these a try:

Surprise him by sneaking into the bathroom while he's taking his morning shower (and plan on being late to work)
While he is doing something like checking his email or watching TV, go over sit on his lap, and casually start kissing his neck. Some men can't resist a woman who initiates sex.
Plan a surprise massage. Set up blankets on the floor, candles, soothing music, and massage oil. Add some sweet kisses and I bet your massage won't last long...
Wear something you know he likes. This could be a special scent, dangly jewelry, high heels, a flirty skirt, or a t-shirt. It doesn't have to be a sexy g-string - not all guys are into that.
Give him a little space. If you are constantly trying to get it on and he's shooting you down, take the hint. Go out with your girlfriends, go for a run, let him be without you, and he'll be missing you in no time.
Talk to him about how you're feeling. Maybe there's a reason he's not feeling in the mood.

I hope this helps! Have any other ideas? Share them below.

Source

10 Reasons Why Men Don't Want Sex: Part One

DearSugar — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 08:00:00 -0700

In the beginning of a new relationship, it's hard to keep your hands off each other. Sharing all that fiery passion is what makes it so exciting, but as you get to know each other and become more comfortable, the frequency of sex usually cools down, and sometimes, your sex life can hit a complete drought. So if your man is the one who's "not in the mood," here are the top five reasons why, according to WebMD:

Medications: If your man is taking prescriptions for depression or anxiety, they may be to blame for his nonexistent sex drive.
Lack of sleep: If your man hasn't gotten his fair share of zzz's, then sleep will be the only thing on his mind come bedtime.
Hormonal levels: Testosterone is what drives your man to want to get it on, so if he's lacking in that department, don't count on him wanting to tear your clothes off. Your man can easily figure out if this is the problem by seeing his doctor and getting his hormonal levels checked.

Want to see the other two reasons? Then read more.

Identity issues: Some men have a personal crisis and start to ask important questions like, "What am I doing with my life?" This can happen if they're unhappy with their job or have recently gotten laid off. They could also have issues with their identity if their strong beliefs are questioned or if a close friend or loved one passes away. These kind of issues will understandably put sex on the back burner.
Turn-off to aspects of the sex: If your man has a hard time pleasing you or you take a long time to orgasm, he may have confidence issues or feel like sex is too much work. If he doesn't find sex fulfilling, or if he's not turned on by his partner, instead of talking about it, he may think it's easier to just not have sex at all.

Pretty interesting huh! Stay tuned for Part Two, with five more reasons men don't want to have sex.

Top 10 Reasons Men Don't Want Sex: Part Two

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 08:00:00 -0700

I know it can be pretty frustrating and make you feel a little self-conscious when your man just isn't in the mood to get it on, but like I said yesterday, there are definitely some reasons why men don't want to have sex. Here are five more.

Disagreements with one's mate: Who wants to hug, kiss, and roll around under the covers with someone they're upset with? A man, just like a woman, may be so angry with his partner that he doesn't want to be anywhere near them. Or he may withhold sex from his partner as a form or punishment or tactic to get what he wants.
Stress: If your man is stressed about money, home, his sick grandfather, or your kids then you know what's on his mind, and unfortunately, it's not sex.
He masturbates on his own: I don't think there's anything wrong with masturbating while you're in a relationship, but when masturbation takes the place of sex with the person you're dating or married to, problems will no doubt arise.

To hear the last two reasons read more.

Fear of intimacy: Ahh, the buzz words. Well it's true, some guys have a fear of getting close and having sex with someone is the ultimate form of love and expression. You may have to have a little patience (or a lot), and wait until your guy gets to know you better so he can feel comfortable with the idea of being that connected to you.
Difficulties functioning sexually: With all the commercials out there for drugs to help with impotence, it's no secret that men are having physical problems getting aroused. Some men may also have problems orgasming too soon, or too late, or not at all.

Dear's Advice: If any of these reasons sound all too familiar to you, make sure you're openly communicating with your man (in a sensitive and understanding way, of course). In order to get through this, it's important that you're both honest about what you need and how you feel.

Source

Do Tell: Why Do Some Women Love Vampires?

TresSugar — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:00:03 -0800

A yearning to escape. A lust for forbidden love. A passion for romance. All of these regular-people desires could explain why fictitious vampires exude a certain sex appeal. Considering the hysteria for Twilight, the undead clearly have something going on.

A while back, one writer guessed that vampires have overwhelmed pop culture thanks to a female desire for gay men. Confused? The writer explained that wanting to turn an unattainable vampire into your boyfriend is the same as wanting to turn a gay man straight. Well, I guess that's one theory. How would you explain the fascination with Edward Cullen, or any vamp for that matter?

Slow Sex Movement Guru: What Do Men Want?

TresSugar — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:00:00 -0700

"The men who come to OneTaste are men who are so sick of having to pretend like they know what they’re doing."

This is the third in a four-part series of interviews I had with Nicole Daedone, who is emerging as the leader of the slow-sex movement and who founded the OneTaste urban retreat center in San Francisco. OneTaste invites men and women to learn about mindful sexuality by participating in workshops, yoga, and (for residents only) controversial "OMing" sessions in which men stroke women to orgasm during daily morning sessions. To read the third part of the interview with Nicole, read more.

TrèsSugar: Why do you think men come to OneTaste? Is it different from why women do?
Nicole Daedone: Everyone is coming to plug into the same thing. But there is a gender differentiation. My experience with most men is that they can sense that the kind of power that they have in our culture is a precarious thing. Because it’s not real, it’s not based on truth. It’s crumbling, right? We’re watching that everywhere, so most of the guys that I see who come in don’t really want to hold the power of sexuality. They don’t want to be the sole holders of this thing.

How we have sexuality set up at this point is a subject-object relationship and so it’s just inaccurate. Guys are thinking, “But I have power” and women are thinking, “But I’m the victim." We know that's not true; we want to find that right true relationship. The men who come to OneTaste are men who are so sick of having to pretend like they know what they’re doing.

TS: Regarding the OMing sessions, how does it help men to unload their sense of having to hold the power, as you put it, when they're touching women and bringing them to orgasm? I'm sure this is very misunderstood!
ND: The primary reason that it’s misunderstood is what I was talking about with the subject-object issue. If you look at it like something is operating on something, like “he is doing something to her,” you miss the point of what’s actually happening. It’s this amazing feedback loop, a kind of surrendering into a field of sexuality. Both people are plugging into something together and playing different roles in it.

TS: In tantric sex, there's an emphasis on eye contact. But in the article about OneTaste in the New York Times, the writer says there's a no eye contact rule. I think that could be misconstrued as something really anonymous and weird.
ND: There's actually no rule that you have to make eye contact. I’m saying, “Look, you don’t have to look into each other’s eyes.” I know that as a woman, I’ve done a lot more eye gazing than I was actually comfortable with and then what I’m doing is that I’m looking at him and wondering if I really look attractive. Then all of a sudden I’m contorting my face to make sure it looks attractive and then I’m no longer focusing on the sensation of no longer focusing on the attraction.

TS: There’s this idea that intimacy might only happen if you’re gazing into somebody’s eyes.
ND: I’ll have this experience with my boyfriend where my back will be to the door and I’ll feel him come into the room. That is such a subtle level of intimacy that we very often miss because we so rely on our visual sense. More what I’m saying is let’s take these things that we overly rely on and sometimes just be willing to not rely on those but not exclude them. I’m not interested in excluding anything, I’m interested in including more.

TS: For some women, male sexuality just feels toxic. I don't think it's inherently so, but perhaps becomes that way.
ND: I think that the reason it becomes toxic is because it doesn’t have counterbalance. I think that we have male sexuality that has grown up like this, and female sexuality that has grown up like this, and so I think it just gets out of balance and wonky.

One of the feminist things we can do today is say, “Hey, wait a minute. I’m responsible for this, I’m not being victimized by this sex that’s coming at me." I deal with these guys trying to find the tiniest spot on a woman’s body after however many years of having a woman not talk to them about their sexuality except to say, “No” or “I don’t like that,” or like “Ewww.” So these guys have as many issues as the women!

Hump Day: How Can I Become Multi-Orgasmic?

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I keep hearing about women who can have 'multiple orgasms' and I can't figure out exactly what this means. Does it mean a woman who can have more than one orgasm in a night? One orgasm after another with little downtime? (Is that even possible? Most women are so sensitive after having an orgasm!) Anyway, if it exists, is there a way I can become multi-orgasmic?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

Part of the challenge in defining “multiple orgasms” is that different people use the term to mean different things. For some women, it means more than one orgasm during a single sex session, whether they’re 5 minutes or 30 minutes (or more) apart. For other women, it means one after another, without much time between them.

You’re right that many women are extra sensitive after an orgasm, but not everyone. In fact, some women find that they can just keep going, especially if they change what they’re doing. For example, someone might find that she can have an orgasm from clitoral stimulation and then switch to penetration for a second one. Or maybe she might have one orgasm from oral sex, take a break for a bit with something else to keep the passion up, and then go back to oral sex for a second orgasm. And there are women out there who don’t need a break after one orgasm before they start building towards a second one.

Not all women can become multi-orgasmic, but many women can. Some women find that their ability to be multi-orgasmic can change over time, too. So if it doesn’t happen for you now, don’t stress about it. You may find that in a few years, something changes and suddenly, it falls into place.

One really great place to look for more info on how to do it is Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Woman. He approaches sex from the Taoist tradition, which works with sexuality as a form of energy that we can learn to channel, harness, and expand. If you’re familiar with energetic practices such as yoga, this perspective might be familiar. He has a book for men and one for male/female couples, too.

Another place you could look for information about this is Tantra. While most people only know about Tantra as a laundry list of sex positions from the Kama Sutra, there’s actually a lot more to it than that. Tantra is a set of practices that teach you to work with your sexual energy and it can help you expand your ability to experience pleasure, deepen intimacy, and have multiple orgasms. There are some good books like Urban Tantra and Tantric Sex for Women, as well as some DVDs.

In my experience, the best way to learn about Tantra is through experiential workshops because these are techniques that are much easier to understand when someone is demonstrating them. Most Tantra classes are fully-clothed and many are designed for people to come solo, while others are for couples. You can find out more about Tantra or look for workshop teachers on www.tantra.com.

One thing that I do want to be clear on: not everyone can become multi-orgasmic. If it doesn’t happen for you, there’s nothing wrong with you. I’ve seen a lot of people become very goal-oriented about it and they often end up sabotaging themselves because they’re not actually enjoying the sex that they’re having. So I encourage you to try it out and see what works for you, but don’t get so caught up in it that you forget to have fun. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Behind the Iron Curtain: Was Sex Better Before the Wall's Fall?

TresSugar — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:13:52 -0800

Life may be better since the fall of the Berlin Wall, but is sex? It was at first. Prostitutes came in vans, porn was everywhere, and sex shops opened like wine bars in a gentrifying neighborhood. Yet interest waned throughout the '90s, and nostalgia set in for "love as it was before."

Before, men and women didn't need porn to get excited or toys to orgasm. What did they need? Imagination, says former relationship columnist Jutta Resch-Treuwerth, and they had it. Poll after poll shows there was lots of "imagination" behind the iron curtain. On average, East Germans lost their virginity earlier, had twice as much sex, and had more orgasms than their Western counterparts.

So what made sex so "gut"? Find out after the jump

Emma Thompson Tells Trafficked Woman's Story in Art

TresSugar — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 07:00:00 -0800

Academy-award winning actress Emma Thompson was so moved by the plight of a Moldovan woman who survived being trafficked for sex, she decided to create an art installation that would help viewers to put themselves in Elena's shoes and bring attention to this growing problem.

"Journey," which will be exhibited in New York City Nov. 10 to 16 in Washington Square Park, tells the story of Elena, a woman from the Eastern European republic of Moldova who, at age 18, was promised a secretarial job in England. Instead, once she got there, her passport was confiscated and she was forced into prostitution.

"Journey" consists of seven shipping containers. Each has a keyhole through which the viewer can peer to see a chronology of Elena's story. The first shipping container depicts Elena's childhood and the loss of her father. In another, the viewer can see Elena approached in a Moldovan marketplace and offered work.

Thompson personally curated one of the more disturbing of the shipping containers which depicts Elena's forced prostitution in England. She had Oscar-winning costume designer Sandy Powell design the clothes she was forced to wear, and when the viewer looks into the keyhole, she sees her face superimposed onto the body of a woman in prostitute's clothing. They wanted the viewer to have an experience of what it meant to lose one's identity. Thompson said that even men "didn't laugh or find it funny. They understood absolutely what it meant."

Thompson met Elena while doing work with UNODC (United Nations Office on Drug and Crime) to help raise awareness about the practice of trafficking women, and it sounds as if she's not only telling her plight, she's giving Elena the voice that was taken away from her. In the last shipping container, Elena tells her story on tape.

Hump Day: Where's My G-Spot?

TresSugar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"I have decent enough sex with my boyfriend, but I don't always have an orgasm. I've heard that if my G-spot is stimulated, not only will I have a better chance of having an orgasm, but that it will be more intense. Is this true? Where is the G-spot?"

To hear Dr. Glickman's answer, read more.

Let’s start with a little anatomy.

The G-spot is a relatively small patch of tissue that you can find by inserting a finger into the vagina and curving towards the belly button (upwards if you’re on your back). Many women report that the G-spot is much easier to find if they’re already turned on because it engorges with blood. In fact, some women and their partners find that the G-spot can go from impossible to find to quite prominent during arousal. So start off with something that definitely works for you and then try adding G-spot explorations.

The G-spot surrounds the urethra and some folks find that stimulating it can feel sort of like needing to go to the bathroom. You may find it helpful to go to the bathroom before starting out so that you’ll know that your bladder is empty. Also, some women have discovered that G-spot play can result in female ejaculation. While scientists disagree about female ejaculation, we do know that it’s not urine and is chemically similar to men’s prostatic fluid. This makes sense, since the G-spot and the prostate are quite similar. If you’re concerned about it, put a towel down first so you can relax and enjoy the ride.

As far as whether G-spot play will rock your world or not, I can’t make any promises. Some women adore it and would never choose to have sex without it. Others find it uncomfortable or say that it just doesn’t do anything for them. As always when it comes to sex, your mileage may vary so don’t get stressed out if it doesn’t do much for you.

OK, so how do you actually do G-spot play? First, it may be easier if your boyfriend is the one wielding the fingers. It can be a bit awkward to try to reach it yourself. Some popular techniques include the “come-here” motion, making circles, tapping, stroking, or the “windshield wiper” movement. It may also be more fun if he’s pleasuring your clitoris at the same time, perhaps with his other hand or his mouth. Or you could use a hand or a vibrator on your clit.

If you want to use a toy for the G-spot, try something with a curve or a prominent head since those shapes makes it easier to hit the spot. Here are a few popular ones. Or you might enjoy one of the ”Rabbit” style vibrators.

For more detailed information about the G-spot, I’m a big fan of the DVD The Expert Guide to the G-Spot as well as the book Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot.

If you’re looking for ways to increase your chances of having an orgasm during intercourse, you might find that some G-spot fun as a warm-up improves your odds. Even if G-spot play doesn’t result in an orgasm for you, if it increases your pleasure and arousal, that will probably make it easier to have an orgasm when doing something else. Or you could have a G-spot orgasm before having intercourse, if that works better for you. You could also see if using a vibrator or your fingers on your clitoris during sex does the trick. After all, 70 percent of women report that they need some clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, so you’d be in good company.

Some Doctors Object to the Pill on Moral Grounds

TresSugar — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 12:00:00 -0700

In the very first episode of Mad Men, Peggy Olson goes to the gynecologist seeking a prescription for the pill. Watching the scene, I cringed as the doctor grills Peggy about why she would want the contraceptive pills if she were not married. He says: "As a doctor we'd like to think that putting a woman in this situation isn't going to turn her into some sort of strumpet." Although he gave her the prescription, he tells Peggy he will take her off the medicine if she "abuses" it.

If you're thinking: thank goodness I don't live in the 1960s when doctors were allowed to pass judgment on our sex lives, think again! A recent USA Today story explains how doctors are using conscience clauses to object to the pill as well as to abortion. One doctor in San Antonio told the paper that the pill would not protect her patient from the "emotional trauma from multiple partners" or sexually transmitted diseases. She said: "I could not ethically give that type of medication to a single woman." Wow. This modern doctor goes even further than the one featured on Mad Men!

The Bush administration enacted an ambitious conscience clause that says that hospitals receiving federal money cannot refuse to hire nurses or doctors who morally object to abortion or even certain forms of birth control. These regulations, which could limit access to contraception for women who rely on public clinics or those who live in rural areas, have yet to be rolled back by President Obama as promised. What do you think about doctors who withhold contraception from women because of moral objections?