TresSugar

What's the Deal With Dry Orgasms?

DearSugar — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 08:00:00 -0800

A while ago, I answered a question about a woman who was dating a guy who lost both of his testicles in a car accident. It wasn't clear if this man could have an erection or an orgasm, but that post brought up many questions about orgasms and how it's possible to have one if you don't have any semen.

Here's the deal. Some men have what's called a dry orgasm. This means that they can have an erection, but when they climax, no semen gets ejaculated out of the penis. There can be several causes of dry orgasms:

Surgical removal or damage to the testicles, bladder, or prostate.
Radiation therapy directed at the pelvic area (such as for treatment of prostrate cancer).

Click here to read more

Another cause could be something called retrograde ejaculation. Instead of semen coming out of the penis, it gets forced into the bladder when he climaxes. Diabetes or injury to the bladder could cause this condition.

Dry orgasms usually don't present any health problems, but they could prevent a man from being able to father children. The good news is that it's possible to extract sperm from the man and use it to artificially inseminate a woman.

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Hump Day: How Can I Become Multi-Orgasmic?

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I keep hearing about women who can have 'multiple orgasms' and I can't figure out exactly what this means. Does it mean a woman who can have more than one orgasm in a night? One orgasm after another with little downtime? (Is that even possible? Most women are so sensitive after having an orgasm!) Anyway, if it exists, is there a way I can become multi-orgasmic?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

Part of the challenge in defining “multiple orgasms” is that different people use the term to mean different things. For some women, it means more than one orgasm during a single sex session, whether they’re 5 minutes or 30 minutes (or more) apart. For other women, it means one after another, without much time between them.

You’re right that many women are extra sensitive after an orgasm, but not everyone. In fact, some women find that they can just keep going, especially if they change what they’re doing. For example, someone might find that she can have an orgasm from clitoral stimulation and then switch to penetration for a second one. Or maybe she might have one orgasm from oral sex, take a break for a bit with something else to keep the passion up, and then go back to oral sex for a second orgasm. And there are women out there who don’t need a break after one orgasm before they start building towards a second one.

Not all women can become multi-orgasmic, but many women can. Some women find that their ability to be multi-orgasmic can change over time, too. So if it doesn’t happen for you now, don’t stress about it. You may find that in a few years, something changes and suddenly, it falls into place.

One really great place to look for more info on how to do it is Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Woman. He approaches sex from the Taoist tradition, which works with sexuality as a form of energy that we can learn to channel, harness, and expand. If you’re familiar with energetic practices such as yoga, this perspective might be familiar. He has a book for men and one for male/female couples, too.

Another place you could look for information about this is Tantra. While most people only know about Tantra as a laundry list of sex positions from the Kama Sutra, there’s actually a lot more to it than that. Tantra is a set of practices that teach you to work with your sexual energy and it can help you expand your ability to experience pleasure, deepen intimacy, and have multiple orgasms. There are some good books like Urban Tantra and Tantric Sex for Women, as well as some DVDs.

In my experience, the best way to learn about Tantra is through experiential workshops because these are techniques that are much easier to understand when someone is demonstrating them. Most Tantra classes are fully-clothed and many are designed for people to come solo, while others are for couples. You can find out more about Tantra or look for workshop teachers on www.tantra.com.

One thing that I do want to be clear on: not everyone can become multi-orgasmic. If it doesn’t happen for you, there’s nothing wrong with you. I’ve seen a lot of people become very goal-oriented about it and they often end up sabotaging themselves because they’re not actually enjoying the sex that they’re having. So I encourage you to try it out and see what works for you, but don’t get so caught up in it that you forget to have fun. Otherwise, what’s the point?

Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all - with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer, read more

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.

Book Bag: Why Women Have Sex

TresSugar — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 08:00:00 -0700

The authors of Why Women Have Sex interviewed 1,000 women with the hopes of uncovering hidden female sexual motivations. Their conclusion? That women sometimes have sex for reasons other than desire and might not be that interested in sex itself.

Some of the women interviewed said they have sex with their partners for the following reasons:

To defend against male infidelity.
To boost their self-confidence.
To barter for gifts or household chores.
To cure a migraine headache.

I'm not so surprised that women have sex for various reasons (don't men, too?), but let's not forget that many women actually enjoy sex and don't just engage in it to get something out of a man. I know women who have sex (gasp!) because they want a good-old fashioned orgasm (as elusive as that orgasm might be!).

The book is out Sept. 29. Would you pick it up?

Slow Sex Movement Guru: What Do Men Want?

TresSugar — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:00:00 -0700

"The men who come to OneTaste are men who are so sick of having to pretend like they know what they’re doing."

This is the third in a four-part series of interviews I had with Nicole Daedone, who is emerging as the leader of the slow-sex movement and who founded the OneTaste urban retreat center in San Francisco. OneTaste invites men and women to learn about mindful sexuality by participating in workshops, yoga, and (for residents only) controversial "OMing" sessions in which men stroke women to orgasm during daily morning sessions. To read the third part of the interview with Nicole, read more.

TrèsSugar: Why do you think men come to OneTaste? Is it different from why women do?
Nicole Daedone: Everyone is coming to plug into the same thing. But there is a gender differentiation. My experience with most men is that they can sense that the kind of power that they have in our culture is a precarious thing. Because it’s not real, it’s not based on truth. It’s crumbling, right? We’re watching that everywhere, so most of the guys that I see who come in don’t really want to hold the power of sexuality. They don’t want to be the sole holders of this thing.

How we have sexuality set up at this point is a subject-object relationship and so it’s just inaccurate. Guys are thinking, “But I have power” and women are thinking, “But I’m the victim." We know that's not true; we want to find that right true relationship. The men who come to OneTaste are men who are so sick of having to pretend like they know what they’re doing.

TS: Regarding the OMing sessions, how does it help men to unload their sense of having to hold the power, as you put it, when they're touching women and bringing them to orgasm? I'm sure this is very misunderstood!
ND: The primary reason that it’s misunderstood is what I was talking about with the subject-object issue. If you look at it like something is operating on something, like “he is doing something to her,” you miss the point of what’s actually happening. It’s this amazing feedback loop, a kind of surrendering into a field of sexuality. Both people are plugging into something together and playing different roles in it.

TS: In tantric sex, there's an emphasis on eye contact. But in the article about OneTaste in the New York Times, the writer says there's a no eye contact rule. I think that could be misconstrued as something really anonymous and weird.
ND: There's actually no rule that you have to make eye contact. I’m saying, “Look, you don’t have to look into each other’s eyes.” I know that as a woman, I’ve done a lot more eye gazing than I was actually comfortable with and then what I’m doing is that I’m looking at him and wondering if I really look attractive. Then all of a sudden I’m contorting my face to make sure it looks attractive and then I’m no longer focusing on the sensation of no longer focusing on the attraction.

TS: There’s this idea that intimacy might only happen if you’re gazing into somebody’s eyes.
ND: I’ll have this experience with my boyfriend where my back will be to the door and I’ll feel him come into the room. That is such a subtle level of intimacy that we very often miss because we so rely on our visual sense. More what I’m saying is let’s take these things that we overly rely on and sometimes just be willing to not rely on those but not exclude them. I’m not interested in excluding anything, I’m interested in including more.

TS: For some women, male sexuality just feels toxic. I don't think it's inherently so, but perhaps becomes that way.
ND: I think that the reason it becomes toxic is because it doesn’t have counterbalance. I think that we have male sexuality that has grown up like this, and female sexuality that has grown up like this, and so I think it just gets out of balance and wonky.

One of the feminist things we can do today is say, “Hey, wait a minute. I’m responsible for this, I’m not being victimized by this sex that’s coming at me." I deal with these guys trying to find the tiniest spot on a woman’s body after however many years of having a woman not talk to them about their sexuality except to say, “No” or “I don’t like that,” or like “Ewww.” So these guys have as many issues as the women!

Slow Sex Movement Guru: On Romance and Sex

TresSugar — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:15:00 -0700

"I think that when you actually have raw intimacy, it isn’t sex, it isn’t romance, and it isn’t spirituality - it's just a pure connection."

This is the first in a four-part series of interviews I had with Nicole Daedone, who is emerging as the leader of the slow-sex movement and who founded the OneTaste urban retreat center in San Francisco. OneTaste invites men and women to learn about mindful sexuality by participating in workshops, yoga, and (for residents only) controversial "OMing" sessions in which men stroke women to orgasm during daily morning sessions. To read the first part of the interview and to see a Nightline segment on OneTaste, OMing sessions and Nicole, read more.

TrèsSugar: What is the goal of the OneTaste retreat center?
Nicole Daedone: I get apprehensive about using the word "revolutionize," but it's to revolutionize the way we look at sex. I think that we've gotten extremely distant from the actual "it" that it is and that it's gotten kind of pathological the further away we've gotten away from the source of it. That's why I like the idea of slow sex. You know, in the same way that we've industrialized food, we've industrialized sex. We've lost the meaning and the meaning really is simple: it's the most elemental energy that allows two people to come together and tune into their own body at the same time, which is a pretty profound thing. I think that we've lost track of that.

TS: In the age of the Internet and easily accessible fast food sex, I could see why slow sex would be important. But I was really struck by a comment on your website when you say that romance and all the expectations around it can also get in the way. I think a lot of heterosexual women feel, "I try to have sex to connect with this person, and sometimes the man is using sex to disconnect from me." So I was curious how you think that women's ideas about romance might actually create a problem, too.
ND: My experience is that romance is, to put it in Buddhist terms, the "near friend." It's when it's so close but it's not the "it" that you're looking for - but it's enough to keep yourself comfortable. And that if you go to the deeper, value-neutral sexuality, you can have romance as a byproduct. But if you go to romance, you aren’t going all the way and you don’t get the value-neutral energy that you can use the sexuality for. And so what I’m interested in is having people go to the raw, rich, nutrient place of sexuality and then learn how to use it for a deeper purpose.

TS: So you would say that the romance part is a delusion in a way?
ND: I don’t know that it's a delusion, but I think that it can be an obstacle in that it can be misused as a means of actually decreasing intimacy. So if I have this idea about who you are and I just keep trying to stuff you into that idea, and not actually discover who you are or have curiosity, that's the biggest danger of romance, that I have an idea of what I want and I keep trying to fit you into it. I don’t relate to the parts of you that don't correspond with the idea.

TS: We're so used to pathologizing male sexuality ("all they’re looking for is sex" or something like that) that I think there is a way in which we don't think about how, for some women, "all they’re looking for is romance" and that, too, may rob them of a true experience with the person.
ND: Exactly. I think that when you actually have raw intimacy, it isn't sex, it isn't romance, and it isn't spirituality - it's just a pure connection.

Sexual Response Cycle: What Happens Before, During, and After Your Orgasm

DearSugar — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 11:00:00 -0700

When I first learned what happens physiologically when we’re turned on, my initial response was, “oh, so that’s what’s going on.” If you’ve never learned the details of your body’s sexual-response cycle than I think you might have the same reaction I did. If you have, it’s never bad to get a reminder on just how incredible our bods are! To learn the basics about all four stages, read more.

Excitement: This phase is what you could consider as the foreplay portion. This is when muscle tension starts to build, blood rushes to your genitals and breasts, lubrication kicks into gear, and of course, your resting heart rate increases.
Plateau: Ever feel like you just get stuck right before an orgasm? You’re probably trapped in the plateau phase, which occurs immediately preceding the big "O." This phase is marked by escalation of the traits in the excitement phase as well as muscle spasms. At this point the clitoris becomes highly sensitive, and in some cases, painful to the touch.
Orgasm: Although fairly self-explanatory, during an orgasm your heart rate increases, accompanied by rapid breathing. Your body experiences many involuntary muscle contractions, specifically in the vagina and uterus.
Resolution: The final phase is simply your body returning to its normal resting state. And it’s usually a time of good feelings and fatigue. Many women can easily return to the orgasm phase at this point, thus experiencing multiple orgasms.

Both men and women go through these same four stages, though obviously, men are marked by a series of different reactions specific to the male body. It’s most important to note that the time that each of these phases occur will vary for men and women. Being able to understand where your partner is versus where you are in the cycle can truly enhance your sexual experiences.

Source, Source

Tantric Sex Anyone?

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 08:00:00 -0700

Those very words conjure up sensuous and erotic scenes in my mind of intermingling bodies, moist skin, and silky sheets - but Tantra is not just about having mind-blowing orgasms.....

Tantra is a Sanskrit word meaning "weaving," or " expansion." Tantrism is a philosophy and way of life that's all about completely awakening the senses, like a form of meditation. Tantrists see sex as a sacred way to awaken the energy inside them, so that they reach spiritual enlightenment and ecstasy. You don't necessarily have to see it like that, but you can learn from these ancient sexual techniques to improve your own sex life.

Tantric Sex is like a dance with no beginning or end. There is no goal, only the present moment and the spiritual connection you are making -- it isn't just about having an orgasm as quickly as possible. Instead you focus on being completely intimate and connected to your partner -- just being in the moment, together. You harmonize your breath, gaze into each other's eyes, anything that turns you on in preparation for lovemaking so you can communicate on a deeply physical and emotional level.

I'm just getting started so read more

Once you have established that deep connection, then you can slip into actual lovemaking. Tantric Sex encourages you to move slowly and change up your positions. In order for the male to be able to have continuous sex for an extended period of time, the guy has to learn how to have orgasms without ejaculating. This is how you can both reach multiple orgasms. "Practice makes perfect" is the key factor here!

Well, that's as much detail as I can give you!! If I've piqued your curiosity and you want to know more about the specific techniques, I'd check out one of the many books about Tantric Sex like this one called The Art of Tantric Sex. Have fun and enjoy!!

You Asked: I'm Ready for Sex But I Think He's Scared

DearSugar — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating this guy on and off for one year now. He was in a car accident about two years ago which resulted in him losing both of his testicles. You can feel the sexual tension between the two of us ever since we met and I am ready to take things to the next level and have sex. Every time we have some alone time, he stays distant from me like he's scared of me. I can't take much more but I don't want to lose him. I feel like he knows how I feel about him, but what else should I do? How can I let him know I am okay with the fact that he lost his testicles but I can't live like this for much longer.

-Understanding But Wanting Intimacy Emma

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Understanding But Wanting Intimacy Emma,

You are dating a man who I'm sure has a lot of uncertainties and concerns on his mind. He's probably self-conscious about what you'll think when you see that he looks different from other men. I'm sure he's also nervous about whether he'll be able to get aroused enough to have an erection, and worried about whether or not he'll be able to please you sexually.

You should know that the testicles are where sperm and testosterone are produced. Without that male hormone, he may not have any urge to have sex and may also be moody and tired. The good news is that he can have testosterone replacement therapy to help him get his sex drive back.

With that said, it may be difficult for him to get an erection or have an orgasm, but the only way you're going to know is if you talk to him. Share your feelings and try to be as sensitive as you can since this is such a difficult thing to discuss. Try to get him to explain more about his feelings and what he's going through. Being as open as possible will help you both feel more comfortable about your sex life. If he still turns down your advances to have sex, you're going to have to get a little creative with how you two share intimacy. Good luck.

Source

How Do I Choose the Right Condom?

DearSugar — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 11:00:00 -0700

When it comes to birth control, condoms may be a drag (because you're not really in direct contact with your partner), but when used properly, they are extremely effective at preventing pregnancy and STIs and they don't require the woman to be on hormones like the Pill, the Patch, the Nuvaring, the Shot, or the Implant. In addition to protecting you, condoms can help if the guy reaches orgasm too quickly by decreasing sensations.

With so many kinds of condoms out there, it's tough to know how to pick the right one. It's important to think about what the condom is made of, if it comes with lubricant, and what size to buy, etc. To figure out how to choose read more

Material - Latex condoms are awesome because they protect against STIs and prevent pregnancy. Most condoms are made out of latex, but remember to only use water-based lubes with these. Unfortunately, some women have a sensitivity to latex that causes an unbearable burning irritation. If that's the case, try these...

Polyurethane condoms also protect against STIs and prevent pregnancy, and are great for those with a sensitivity to latex. Durex Avanti and Trojan Supra are made out of polyurethane. These transmit heat well, and are ultra-thin and strong so they may feel more comfortable than latex condoms. Both water-based and oil-based lubricants can be used with these condoms.

Lambskin condoms are made out of lamb intestines and while the pores of this material are not large enough to allow sperm through, much smaller bacteria and viruses may easily slip in and out between the condom so be aware that lambskin condoms DO prevent pregnancy, but DON'T protect against STIs including HIV. I've also heard that these break easily so be careful.

Lubricant - Lube can really help make sex more enjoyable, but some lubes on condoms contain the spermicide Nonoxynol-9. This can also cause irritation, so before declaring that you are allergic to latex, try using a condom that is free of spermicide first. If the spermicide bothers you, buy a condom without it and use your own separate personal lube instead.

Size - Most condoms are a one size fits all kind of thing however, if you sleeping with a well-endowed man, you'll need to buy bigger sized condoms. You don't want your man's condom to be too snug a fit as it's both uncomfortable and poses a greater risk for breakage, so pick up a box of Trojan Magnums if regular condoms don't fit - they're a great choice.

For Added Pleasure - Some condoms are colored, have ribs or pleasure spots, some are flavored, and some even tingle Just be sure to read the labels on these to make sure they say that they're effective in preventing pregnancy and STIs.

Style - You can also try out a female condom. This is another option that the woman inserts inside her vagina instead of the traditional condoms that fit on the man's penis. It's made out of polyurethane, contains no spermicide, and is 95% effective at preventing pregnancy. They tend to make noise though, which can kill the mood, and some women find them harder to insert than male condoms. They're also a little bit more expensive, but they may protect you better from STIs since they cover up more of your mucous membrane.

Whatever your choice, make sure the condom is on right or else they won't keep you protected.

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