TresSugar

Dear Poll: Have You Ever Asked Someone Out?

DearSugar — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Making the first move can be terrifying; rejection is never pleasant. But I also think there’s something empowering about asking someone else out. Like doing anything that involves taking a chance, there’s a rush that comes with putting yourself out there - even if he declines, at least you'll know that you took a risk. Ladies, have you ever walked out on that limb and asked someone out?

Source

The How-To Lounge: The Art of Seduction

DearSugar — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Most men I know would be more than happy to have a woman pursue them, but even still, the idea of making the moves on a guy can be extremely intimidating. What if you look stupid? What if he’s not interested? But once you master the art of seduction, those kind of worries will be the last thing on your mind. So whether you’re in a relationship and ready to do some initiating or you’re a single lady ready to take matters into your own hands, check out my seduction tips when you read more.

Unless you’re already a pro, seduction requires venturing outside of your comfort zone, so at the very least, you have to be willing to take a chance.
It's natural to get caught up in the fear of a potential rejection, but don’t let that fear stop you. Instead, just fake that confidence! He won't know and as he responds positively to your confidence, you’ll find your fears completely dissipating.
Often the more time we have to worry about something - in this case being rejected - the more likely we are to avoid it. So don’t think about it too much! Make your move before you have a chance to stop yourself.
When you’re coming on to someone it’s important to read his cues. If he seems completely uninterested then that just might be the case, so back off. Likewise, don’t come on too strong if he does seem into you. Once you have him hooked, you shouldn’t have to work for it.
Don’t forget how important eye contact and touch are when initiating any kind of interaction with someone. In fact, the right coy expression can elevate a conversation to something more.

Seduction is all about working what you have, so show him what you've got!

Source

Good Idea or Bad Idea: Making the First Move

DearSugar — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 14:45:00 -0700

When you are dating a new guy, a woman expects him to open the car door, pay the bill, compliment her outfit, etc., so do you feel he is expected to make the first move as well? Some men find aggressive women incredibly attractive so while it can be incredibly intimidating, do you thinks it's a good idea or a bad idea for the woman to make the first move?

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Greg Behrendt on Women Making the First Move

DearSugar — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 12:00:00 -0800

The jury is still out as to whether or not women should make the first move - some women love the power while others take the old-fashioned approach and wait for the men to come to them - but at the end of the day, it's really all about personal preference. After hearing some of Greg Behrendt's advice on dating, I'm sure you can assume that he'd have something to say on this topic too! To see how he feels on women asking men out, just read more.

Do you think it’s okay for women to make the first move?

Yes, I just think that the thing women need to keep in mind is most men, or at least the men that I know, were raised to ask people out so if a guy isn’t asking you out, it’s not like he doesn’t know he’s supposed to. On the other hand, yeah, I think it’s your life you do what you want. It won’t bother me what you do. As long as you’re happy, I don’t care how you get there.

To see more from my interview with Greg Behrendt, just click here.

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Hump Day: I'm Self-Conscious About Receiving Oral Sex

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I'm very self-conscious about my body, and that extends to receiving oral sex. I like to give blow jobs to my boyfriend, but I worry about smelling and tasting good so I rarely let him reciprocate. I wonder if I never get satisfaction when I let him go downtown (he has to practically beg!) because I can't relax enough to enjoy it. Any advice?"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more

First off, the vagina is self-cleaning, as long as it's healthy. I mention that because I want to make sure that it's very clear that all of the myths about the vagina being dirty have more to do with sexism and sex-negativity than anything else. That was a bit different in the past, when women's medical needs weren't really addressed and things like yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis went untreated. At the same time, if you ever suspect that your scent has changed, that can be a sign of these or other conditions and it's worth getting checked out by a medical professional.

But assuming that there isn't anything like that going on for you, you definitely have my sympathies. Worries about our bodies and how our partners perceive us is a serious mood-killer. And the irony is that our partners often either don't mind or actively admire exactly those parts of our bodies that we're worrying about!

From what you've written, it sounds like your boyfriend has no problem going down on you. After all, if he's begging for it, it's probably something that he's into. How does he describe your scent or taste? If he's just as enthusiastic about that, maybe that can help you reframe how you feel about it. As the saying goes, we each have our own tastes (sorry for the bad pun, but I couldn't resist).

Try taking a shower before having sex. If you do it together, then it becomes part of the warm-up instead of a chore. While it may not be strictly necessary, if it helps you relax, there's no reason not to. Just don't overdo it with the soap. The vulva (the exterior female sex organs) is covered with sensitive skin and some women find that washing too much can be irritating. And don't get soap inside the vagina - it can be irritating or even set off a yeast infection if you're sensitive.

It might also help if the two of you approach oral sex as a pleasure in itself, rather than worrying about whether you'll have an orgasm from it. Set the bar a little lower for a while and aim for discovering ways that it can feel good for you, even if you don't have an orgasm. Make it a science experiment and have him try different techniques so you can discover how they feel. One great way to do that is for him to do two different things, such as sucking your clitoris or making circles with his tongue for a little bit. Then you decide whether you liked A or B more. It's a fun way to explore new sensations and keep your focus on what you're feeling, rather than worrying about your scent. If he needs some ideas for things to try, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex is a great DVD on the topic. Or check out Violet Blue's book Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus for a fun read.

It could also be helpful if you ask your boyfriend for some positive reinforcement afterwards. After all, you're moving into an edge of your comfort zone and you deserve some hugs for that. When you're ready to move on from the oral experimentation, you'll probably feel better about it if he tells you how much he enjoyed it and that he's glad that the two of you are trying it out. If he goes too far and starts seeming pushy about it, that could backfire, so a light touch is better. But that's a really good way to make sure that you end on a positive note.

I hope that this helps. I know that it can be really hard when exploring out things that feel uncomfortable. It's a good idea to stretch enough to give it a serious try without going so far that it's too much. Take it slowly and remember - you want it to be fun!

Britain to Impose Booze-Ban on "Antisocial" Drunks

TresSugar — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Starting today, anyone who behaves "antisocially" while drunk can be banned from pubs, bars, and other public places in England and Wales for up to two years.

Many people in Britain believe that drastic policing like this must be used to change the culture of heavy drinking. But not everyone is on board with the latest crackdowns - or booze antisocial behavior orders (ASBO). One civil liberties activist says:

It will be jelly bean ASBO for sugared-up kids next. Surely it's time to call last orders on endless new legislation.

While this is the first time antisocial behavior orders will be handed out for public drunks, British courts have been using them to curb other bad behavior for some time now. So what else counts as anti-social behavior in the UK? Earlier this month, a man was given an animal ASBO after bees from his hives repeatedly stung the neighbors. The beekeeper was ordered to move his hives. And a magistrate judge gave another Brit an ASBO for throwing shopping carts outside a supermarket two or three times per week. The ASBO makes it criminal for the man to throw shopping carts going forward. That sounds about right.

Do you think this sort of targeted justice is the best way to solve societal problems like excessive alcohol consumption? Will telling a drunk that he can't go to pubs and bars for a couple of years change anything?

DEARSUGAR Needs Your Help: How To Make The First Move

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 13:10:00 -0700

DEARSUGAR and Shy Shauntrice need your help. Ladies, I know that you've all got some seductive and saucy tricks up your sleeve. Help a sister out and make some suggestions on how to catch the eye of her high school crush when she's home for the holidays. She's been waiting a long time to make a move on this guy, but she can't seem to get up the courage to take action.

Dear Sugar
I've just started college but I still harbor feelings for one of my high school crushes. We've been friends all throughout our school years together, but it seems like we are both just too painfully shy to do anything about it.

Before school gets too far away from us, I'd like to try and make a move on him when we are both home for Thanksgiving. I originally wanted to ask him to prom, but I never got up the courage. We have all the same friends and since we're always together with everybody, it seems too difficult to send him a clear message that I want to be more than just one of the gal pals within the group.

Sometimes I'll ask him to do things alone with me, or to pick me up early, before everyone goes out, but I don't know how to be clearer than that without scaring him. Even my friends wonder why we don't just act on our feelings already. They talk to both of us about it, but still neither one of us has ever made a move.

We both get very quiet when our friends try and push us together and I feel like it's because we're both too scared to say anything. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone have any ideas for me? Shy Shauntrice

I'm Scared To Make The First Move

DearSugar — Thu, 29 Jun 2006 14:46:37 -0700

Dear Sugar
There's a sporty, kinda quiet, smart guy in my class. All of my friends and classmates have told me that they think we'd be great together, but I've never really thought anything of it. Until now. . .

Lately I've developed feelings for him. My friends say that he really likes me. But he barely even talks to me. Why is acting so strange? It's so confusing to me. I just got out of a serious relationship and I'm just really lost. Crazed and Confused

Dear Crazed and Confused
You need to stop playing games. I don't know if you are in middle school, but that's what it sounds like. If you are interested in him then take the situation into your own hands and call him.

There's no need to listen to what your friends say, be your own person. If he's shy he will love that you are taking the initiative.

Ask a Buddhist: Can I "Find Myself" While With Someone?

TresSugar — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. Today, a person who believes in Buddhist teachings will offer her common sense advice to a 24-year-old looking to find herself. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

Is it possible to figure out what you want out of your life while in a committed relationship? My boyfriend and I started dating when we were 16, when we were still young and impressionable. Now, we're both 24 years old, and while we are very much in love with one another, we're both feeling as though we do not know ourselves as individuals. And while we want to figure ourselves out while being together, we have tried - though not very successfully - and it hasn't quite worked so far. So, is it possible to figure yourself out while in a relationship? Or is it best to just cut ties despite the love you feel for another and take time out for yourself, alone?

- In Love but Confused

To find out what the Buddhist has to say, read more.

Dear In Love and Confused,

Wow. Your question really hits home, and I'll try to answer it with the wisdom of my experiences and those of my friends.

I, too, asked this question when I was 24 after having been with my boyfriend, my first love, since I was 18. (Not quite as long you.) I had the 20-something equivalent of the seven-year-itch. I'd never been with another person, I'd moved in with the boyfriend at a young age, and although we had different things going on (he was older and had a career that he loved and I was in college), I felt that there was a big world out there I wasn't exploring so we could be together.

In my case, ultimately, the decision was easier because my restlessness had to do with wanting to having other sexual experiences with people. I loved him, but knew that if I stayed with him, my curiosity would get the better of me. Although it was one of the toughest decisions I had to make, and there were many doubts and tears, I didn't regret my decision to break up with him and move on.

Having said that, I also know people who have remained with the people they fell in love with as teens who are leading happy and fulfilled lives in which the experiences they have separately add to the relationship they have together. The relationship, for each of them, is a place where they not only share experiences that expand their sense of self (they travel together, volunteer together, have similar hobbies), but where, after they do their own thing separately (with their own set of friends, their own travel adventures, etc.) they can come back to the relationship without the other person feeling left out or intimidated by their partner's separateness.

This is where it can get tricky. What experiences contribute to that feeling of "individuality" as you refer to it? There are things you might not be able to discover while in a committed relationship - in my case, it was experiences with other people. Or let's say you want to travel abroad. Unless your boyfriend can do that with you, you might have to spend some time apart. Will you both be OK with being apart and being monogamous? Would you be able to take a break from your relationship, and the monogamy, with an agreement to be back together and see how it goes? Maybe counseling could help you figure out what it is exactly that feels missing, so you could experiment before you "cut ties" with this person you sound like you're really in love with. (I'm curious about what it was you tried and wasn't successful.)

Whether you met when you were 16 or 25 (or 35, 45 or 55!), the challenge of maintaining your individuality in a couple will remain. I know some people who met at ripe old ages who are in stifling relationships that end up being excuses for not exploring who they really are. You definitely have a challenge, but one that's not insurmountable. The question is, how creative can you be, how honest can you be, how flexible can you be? Try out everything you can, and if at the end of the day, you decide that the only way you can find yourselves is to be apart, maybe you can make a pact to meet up again at a certain age and see if it works?

Not losing yourself in a relationship is something everyone - of all ages - experiences. I have a feeling you two can be honest with each other to try everything out to see what works best for you. If you were meant to be together, it will all work out in the end. Good luck, stay present with what you're feeling, and be honest with yourself and your boyfriend.

- A Buddhist

Word du Jour: Fakeup

TresSugar — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 15:00:50 -0700

Beware the fakeup. Though it comes in many forms, a fakeup is most easily defined as a fake breakup, or a breakup that doesn't take.

Some couples are repeat offenders - you know the people I'm talking about. They break up frequently and in dramatic fashion, but you just know they're going to get back together. (Note: In these cases, it's best not to badmouth the recent ex, since he or she probably won't be an ex for long.)

Some breaker-uppers cut off all ties and move on, while others have a tendency to sleep with their exes. It's tempting for sure, but hooking up with your ex can often precipitate a fakeup and lead to a misguided reconciliation. Often, after several fakeups, the repeat offenders call it quits altogether.

Then, there are couples who fake up but genuinely seem to make it work the second time around. This type of fakeup is different from the first and not as much of a fake out. How about you? Have you ever been guilty of a fakeup? Do you know couples who fake up a lot?