TresSugar

You Asked: Should I Befriend My Frenemy?

DearSugar — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I created a Facebook account sometime ago and came across an old friend. We had a tumultuous relationship and she often times didn't see anything wrong with calling me a friend without treating me like one. She was selfish and rude to me. She hurt me too many times so I ended the "friendship." I was devastated, but I realized neither she, nor her friends accepted me in the first place. She seemed hurt as well, but had other people she could rely on.

It's been three years since our breakup and since my social life is currently in despair, I've been considering trying to rekindle a friendship with her. I'm nervous that I'm making a big mistake and I really need some advise on this. What do you think I should do? - Friendless Francis

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Dear Friendless Francis,

Despite the fact that your personal life is in the dumps right now, I'm confused as to why you'd want to reconnect with someone that didn't appreciate your friendship when she had it. Your relationship sounded very one sided so while you might feel lonely, befriending her again might cause you more harm than good. Of course, the choice is yours, but I'd really weigh the pros and cons of rekindling this friendship. Meeting new people isn't always easy, but if you make yourself approachable, I don't see why you can't create new relationships with people that do accept you. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: How Can I Get Over My Adolecent Bullying?

DearSugar — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I was severely bullied for my last four years of elementary school. Ever since then, I've suffered from low self-esteem, loneliness, and unhappiness. I feel like an outsider, even today. I've made friends, but never any solid, long-lasting friendships. For a long time I pretended like it never happened and as a result, I started to binge drink and I let men take advantage of me. I think I loved the attention guys gave me. I've since stopped that self-destructive behavior, but I still can't seem to move on and get my life started. All I want is to put the past behind me but how can I do that?
- Stuck in the Past Patty

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Dear Stuck in the Past Patty,

I'm sorry to hear that you're still feeling the residual effects of your childhood bullying, that can't be light baggage to carry through adulthood. Your childhood is the most vulnerable time of your life so have you ever spoken to a therapist, or confided in a family member or close friend about how your past is still affecting you? Pretending like it never happened won't make it go away, so I highly advise you to face your past head on. Are you by chance still in contact with any of these bullies? If not, would you feel comfortable contacting them and telling them how their actions affected you? It could be a great way to gain the closure you so clearly need.

We all know that making new friends is hard, but think about how many people are trying to do exactly the same thing. Put yourself out there, volunteer at your local community center, join a gym or a book club, or hang out at a local coffee shop. If you make yourself approachable, it's just a matter of time before you meet nice and welcoming new people to befriend. I'm glad to hear you've put an end to your destructive behavior, it means that you are making progress. In due time and with a lot of work, you'll be able to put your past behind you and move on with your life but remember, pushing your feelings under the rug won't make them go away so lean on those that love and care about you for support during this difficult time. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: My Friends Have Changed

DearSugar — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have a tight-knit group of girlfriends that I have been close to for the past two years. They've been a great support to me during this time, but lately something is different. I'm not sure if I've changed or if they have, but we just don't seem to get along anymore. They've been really rude and angry to me lately for no reason. It's like they're ganging up on me, and I keep getting the feeling that they're talking about be while I'm not there.

I have been very busy between work and school, and I haven't been able to spend much time with them. They've been very judgmental of me, and there have even been a few incidents when I caught them avoiding me or ignoring my calls. I'm really sick of this, but I don't have many other people I can turn to. I miss the way things were, but I don't want to subject myself to this anymore. What should I do?

- Abandoned Alicia

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Dear Abandoned Alicia,

I wish I could give you a reason for why you're friends have suddenly turned their backs on you, but unfortunately, it's impossible to guess. It's not all too uncommon for friends to drift apart as life gets in the way. I'd let your friends know how much you care for them and how their actions are making you feel. Make sure they understand that you want to be spending time with them, it's just that your schedule is really overwhelming and ask them to bare with you. Try planning girls' nights in advance - throw a movie party or plan a taco night.

If they continue to treat you like this, you might want to let them go. Friends are meant to be there for you during the good times and the bad, they're not there to make you feel guilty or bad about yourself. Perhaps time will make them see their immaturity, but it may not be worth waiting around to find out. Making new friends is always challenging, but it's also completely rewarding!

Source

True Friends are Hard to Find

DearSugar — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 08:18:37 -0800

Dear Sugar
I live in a small community outside of New York where it is very conservative, quite like Wisteria Lane on Desperate Housewives. My husband got transferred to the New York office of his company and we decided to raise our kids in outside of the city. All of the women in my neighborhood are married with children, and the only excitement is the rumor mill which drives these women to gossip.

Being the new-comer on the street has made it difficult to makes friends. While the parents of my children's friends have been welcoming, I get a strange vibe from them; they are very sarcastic, extremely closed minded, and I and feel like they constantly talk about me behind my back.

I am not a confrontational person and so I don't really want to ask them about why I feel so strange around them, but I feel like I almost have to be friends with these catty women to fit into my new community. Do you have any advise for me? Talked About Allie

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Dear Talked About Allie
Women can be quite catty, but if you feel they are not being genuine, keep your distance until they earn your trust and friendship. Moving to a new city and making new friends can be extremely difficult, but with time, it is possible. Sometimes the high school mentality is hard to break and it sounds like these women don't have enough stimulation in their daily lives so they revert back to their childish ways.

Feeling like you have to be friends with a certain group can he disheartening, but there is bound to be many other potential pals out there for you to meet. A good way to make other friends is to get involved in your community and your kids school. Do you have any friends of friends that live near by? Does your husband have any co-workers with wives or girlfriends that you can socialize with?

Just because you are out of your comfort zone does not mean you have to loose yourself in order to be friends with the popular crowd. Give it some time and I am sure you will find your niche. Lean on your husband for support and remember a good friend is only a phone call or plane right away. Good luck.

Making New Friends Is Harder Than I Thought

DearSugar — Sat, 09 Dec 2006 13:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar
I have recently moved across the country with my husband and our two young daughters. I didn't think that it would really be a big deal leaving my friends, since everyone is getting married, having children of their own and slowly leaving the city where we all used to live together for the suburbs...but I was wrong.

Now it feels like starting from scratch to meet new friends is difficult and a little painful. It's hard to take casual conversations to the next level and set up play dates, dinners or lunches. I really miss having a pal close by to chat on the phone with about life.

I really hadn't expected this to be quite so challenging. My husband and I have always been outgoing, friendly and we would open our home to friends without hesitation. Do you have any suggestions for how I can turn my very distant acquaintances into friendships? Lonely Lana.

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Dear Lonely Lana
You can equate making new friends to dating. You still have to go through a screening process and only time can really tell if you are compatible and the feelings are mutual. Sometimes to get the fire started though, you've got to take a risk. Something as simple as inviting some moms over from your kid's school one day would be a great way to break the ice.

Another creative idea could be to start a book club where you can invite just the ladies over without the kids so that you can find more to talk about then just your children. Have you ever considered attending a support group? Support groups are a great way to make new friends.

Venture out to and participate in community activities like; sporting events, plays, concerts, art shows, book signings, religious/neighborhood meetings and volunteer activities. The point is to just get out there and see who you connect with.

Also consider what makes a good friend and make sure that you are acting accordingly. Are you reaching out to others when they need support? Good luck to you and your husband; hopefully he can also benefit from some of these suggestions.

What Should Be the Word of the Decade?

TresSugar — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:30:31 -0800

Yesterday we revealed that the New Oxford American Dictionary chose "unfriend" as the word of the year. Many of you thought it should be something like "sexting," or "de-friend" at least.

Since we're headed toward a new decade, this story got me thinking about which lexicon newcomer would make a good word of the decade. BellaSugar suggested a Bushism like "misunderestimated," or perhaps "text" or "FAIL." Based on the high number of depressing things that happened this decade, I'd say "FAIL" makes an excellent candidate.

You all seem to have a good read on which words have "lex-appeal," so tell me what you would choose as the word of the decade.

Hump Day: I Have Little Desire to Have Sex Anymore

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:00:00 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“When my husband and I first got married, I was so in love with him that we had sex what (for me) seemed like a lot (a few times a week). But now, three years into it, I feel like my baseline libido, which never was much in the first place, has flatlined. I simply have no interest in sex mentally or physically. My husband keeps asking me if there’s someone else, but in reality, I don’t want sex at all - with anyone. I’m worried he’s going to leave me, this is causing so many problems between us. Any advice?”

To see the answer, read more

It’s pretty common for sexual frequency for couples to lessen after a couple of years. It’s not always just the stereotypical “things are becoming routine” situation. Shifts in hormones can occur as time goes by and those shifts can affect sexual desire. Lots of people have a low interest in sex for any of a number of reasons. It’s not necessarily a sign of any kind of problem and if that has been your pattern for a long time; that may be simply how your sexuality is.

Do you consider your lack of interest in sex a problem? If you do, you might want to see if there are any medical issues causing it. You could have low testosterone for example. While we generally only think of it as a male hormone, women also have some testosterone in their systems and it’s often related to interest in sex. Sexual desire is quite complex and sometimes, the answers aren’t as easy as that, but it could be worth exploring.

Whether you think that your low desire is a problem or not, it sounds like your concerns center on how you and your husband talk about it and what his and your expectations are. Differences in desire can be one of the more tricky relationship challenges and almost all couples face it at some point or another. When you consider how much we (as a culture) equate sexual desire with relationship health, it’s no wonder that many of us feel a lot of pressure around it.

While I would NEVER suggest to anyone that they engage in sex that they don’t want, the two of you might want to explore other ways to connect physically. After all, it doesn’t have to be sex or intercourse. For example, would it work if you gave him backrubs? What if he masturbated while you help him or ran your hands across him? And are there ways that you would like to receive physical contact? As another possibility, are there ways in which the two of you could make room for him to get his sexual needs met, such as giving him solo time at home for some self-pleasure?

Whether you find your low desire a problem or not, you could also find a sex-positive therapist. One of the most helpful things that a therapist can offer is tools for talking about tricky topics and a safe space to do it in. Plus, sometimes an outside perspective can be really helpful. There are plenty of great people who know about sexuality issues and lots of them can be found on the website for the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. Anyone in their directory has passed a rigorous certification process, which gives them the foundation to be as helpful with sexuality topics as possible.

Ultimately, the best advice I can offer you is to be honest with each other about what’s going on for you and how you each feel about it. With that as the foundation, the two of you can start looking for new ways to be together that work for both of you.

The How-To Lounge: Making New Friends

DearSugar — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

In the unending quest to meet new people, making a new friend seems the most elusive, especially when you've hit the point where quality is always more important than quantity. If you're in need, see my ideas for making new friends when you read more.

Take every opportunity to get out there and socialize, but keep in mind that you're more likely to meet new friends in situations that involve actual woman-to-woman interaction, like a BBQ, birthday party, or a recreational sports league.
Though most women I know aren't inclined to come right out and say that they would like to be friends with someone, I've never met a girl who wasn't receptive to a new friendship if another woman initiated it. Don't be afraid to pass out your number or ask for someone else's, it can be as easy as making a tentative plan to see a new movie that's coming out!
That said, everyone likes their personal boundaries maintained so don't come on too strong. She may get the wrong vibe if you text, call, and send her an email all on the same day. If she wants to be friends, it won't take more than one phone call or email to get the ball rolling.
Look to your current friends for opportunities to widen your circle. If she's a friend of your friend, you can at least be sure that she's someone worth getting to know. Plus, it's always easier to make conversation when you have a common connection.
Work is often the best place to meet someone new because not only do you share similar interests, but you see each other day in and day out. It's always important to stay professional, but great friendships can be born out of a job so don't be afraid to grow an office friendship into something you can enjoy outside of work as well.

Just like in the dating world, making new friends means putting yourself out there, but certainly the results are worth the effort.

Source

Sunday Confessional: She's Jealous of Her Daughter

TresSugar — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 03:00:00 -0700

We're mixing things up this week and taking an anonymous confession from our new Confession Booth group for you all to weigh in on! This confessor finds herself wanting her daughter's suitor.

Am I a bad person? I really liked a guy I work with who is younger than me . . . a lot younger. I invited him over several times and we partied and we eventually became really close friends. I was really sad when I found out that he liked my daughter. I gave my permission for them to date and told them I was "OK" with it when secretly it's breaking my heart. I find myself resenting them. My daughter knew I liked him before she started dating him, so it was a very delicate situation when I found out about their feelings. This is tearing me apart.

What advice would you give her?

Make your anonymous confessions in our new Confession Booth group.

You Asked: How can a Shy Girl Make New Friends?

DearSugar — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--
I moved to Japan by myself for a job a couple of months ago and I am having a hard time making friends. I am a very shy person and I don't feel comfortable walking into bars or going to restaurants by myself (both of which have been recommended as good places to make friends). I also don't feel comfortable initiating conversations with strangers, especially since I can yet string together a complete sentence.

Because I'm Asian, I completely blend in and don't get the benefit of having random strangers start conversations with me like other foreigners in Japan do. I started going to Japanese lessons offered by a community centre in hopes of
meeting people but the volunteers there are all senior citizens. They are very nice but I want to meet people my age. The other students too are all much older. I am a single woman in my mid-twenties and I want to have some
fun! But I don't know where to start. Any suggestions? --Lonely Laurie

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Dear Lonely Laurie--
Moving to a new city, let alone a new country can be a difficult transition, so while you are shy, stepping out of your comfort zone and being a little more outgoing than usual will help move you in the right direction to creating a new life for yourself. Making friends can be equated to dating, you have to go through a screening process to see if you are compatible with potential new friends, a process that won't happen overnight.

Since you moved to Japan for work, have you gotten to know any of your co-workers? Making friends through your job is a sure fire way of finding people with similar interests. Venturing out and exploring/participating in community activities is another great way to meet people. Join a gym, or a local book club. Instead of reading or working at home, try spending some time in a coffee shop. Volunteering is a wonderful way to spend your time so perhaps look into something a little more age appropriate.

Are you opposed to meeting people on the internet? Even if you don't use it as a way to find a "love connection" you could use it as an easy way to make friends. Do you have a favorite boutique you visit often? Sparking conversation with store owners and sales associates is yet another great way to meet local people that could in time, introduce you to friends of friends.

Making connections with people won't happen overnight, so be patient and don't give up. Getting yourself out there and being approachable is the best thing you can do. Hopefully in time you will develop your own niche and Japan will feel like home! Good luck.

Source