TresSugar

You Asked: His Sex Drive Has Disappeared

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:48:46 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. In the beginning, he was crazy about me and more into me, sexually speaking, than I was into him. At that time, we'd have sex pretty much every time we saw each other. A year into our relationship, he was having career and financial difficulties and moved into my apartment with me and my roommate; he pays for his part of the bills.

Now that we sleep together every night, we don't have sex as often as I'd like to. The longest we've gone is two weeks without it, and lately it will only happen if I initiate things. Sometimes I even have to coax him into it, and I end up feeling pathetic and desperate. We've talked about it a bit, and he said his sex drive has been down as a result of career and financial difficulties, which I know can greatly affect men. He's also not completely comfortable with the living situation and feels too dependent on me. I believe him and understand all of this but don't know how to deal with my frustration.

I know nagging won't help anything, but I find myself very confused, because when I do finally get him to have sex, it's always amazing and he loves it. So what should I do? Do I refrain from initiating and see what happens, or just accept it as it is right now and initiate and enjoy what I can get?

- Sexually Frustrated Sam

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Sexually Frustrated Sam,

When a couple's sex drives don't match up, it's almost always frustrating in some way or another for both people in the relationship. However, it's definitely manageable! Keep in mind that as a relationship goes on and couples become more familiar with each other, there is nearly always a decrease in sexual activity, which is perfectly normal.

In your case, it sounds like many of the reasons causing a drop in your boyfriend's libido are only temporary. As you've pointed out, his current financial situation is making him feel emasculated, and as a result, he probably doesn't feel like he can be an aggressive sexual partner right now. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love having sex with you or feel attracted to you - your encounters when you do have sex have proven that!

It's more likely than not that as your boyfriend starts to get his life moving forward again, his sex drive will pick up too. In the meantime, don't be afraid to be the aggressor. There is nothing pathetic or desperate about trying to satisfy your sexual needs. I'm so glad to hear that you guys are communicating about this, so keep it up, and I'm sure you can work through this.

Source

Dear Poll: Would You Try Female Viagra?

DearSugar — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Earlier this week, an article in the Washington Post reminded readers that Viagra is officially 10-years-old this month. It seems hard to believe it was only a decade ago that the release of this male performance enhancer sparked such huge controversy. Of course, as that debate died down, a new one took its place: When will they make female Viagra? Though there has been talk of similar products, we're still waiting for the little blue pill to be made available for us women. It's pretty clear that it's going to happen eventually, so what I want to know is, would you try it?

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You Asked: What Can I Do About My Low Sex Drive?

DearSugar — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

For the past year I have lost most all of my interest in sex. The strange thing is I am only 20 years old.

I have been with my boyfriend for the past four years and I love him deeply and everything is fine between us. We don't fight often and I still find him very attractive. The sex is great, when we have it. I guess I don't find sex necessary in my relationship any more or I don't consider it as important as I used to.

My question is, is this normal for a 20 year old woman not to have a strong sexual drive? Is there any way to fix it? What is going on? I hope you can help.

--Not-Into-It Natalie

To hear DEARSUGAR's Answer, read more

Dear Not-Into-It Natalie--

Having a low sex drive might not be ideal, but it is totally normal. The good new is that it sounds like things are going really well for you and your long-term boyfriend, and you are able to show each other love in different ways.

You said the sex is good, but since it only happens few and far between, something tells me your head is elsewhere. Are you stressed out about work, money, friends or family? Are you exercising and eating right?

Chances are this is affecting your boyfriend as well, so be honest with him. Work together and maybe he can help think of new ways to excite you or re-connect as a couple. Movies and magazines makes us think that we should be having sex 24-7, but for most couples who work hard and have passed the honeymoon phase, 1-3 times a week is usually a more realistic goal.

Try to not be so hard on yourself. Over thinking this situation could backfire and end up being even more of a turn-off for you. I have a feeling this is just a phase, so give yourself a break from all the worry and you'll probably get back on track in no time. Good luck Natalie!

Source

You Asked: Is Something Wrong With Me?

DearSugar — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for nine months. I have known him basically all my life and one day we just kissed! He is a great guy that loves me and cares for me like no other guy has. Now the only problem is that he loves sex (just like every other guy on this planet!) but I feel like I can't keep up with him. This is causing a rift between us because sometimes I'm just not in the mood and I feel like he feels let down. I have been wondering if there could be something wrong me or if there is some kind of woman Viagra I can take to help this situation. I'm too embarrassed to bring it up to my girlfriends because from the stories they share, they don't seem to be having the same problem I am. Please help! - Low Sex Drive Darcy

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Low Sex Drive Darcy,

You should not feel embarrassed that you don't have a sex drive that matches your boyfriend's. Just like you stated, every guy on the planet loves sex, and if they had it their way, they'd have it all the time, but most women are just wired differently, that's all. Are you on any hormonal birth control? If so, that could be what's to blame. Many women feel the side effects from their BC wreaks havoc on their sex drive so perhaps you can experiment with other methods. Also keep lube handy - even if you aren't totally in the mood, it can make all the difference in the world. It's also not uncommon for couples to get stuck in a sexual rut so plan a date night, set the mood and wow the pants off your man - I'm sure he'll forget right then and there that there's a rift at all!

Unfortunately there are no Viagra like drugs on the market, however researchers are working on it. In the meantime, I suggest talking to your boyfriend about the way you feel. It sounds like your relationship has a great foundation so don't keep your insecurity a secret from him. If he hasn't told you that he feels let down, be sure you're not beating yourself up about nothing. Have a heart to heart and make sure you're on the same page about your expectations and needs. I hope this helps.

Source

What's Up With Sexsomnia?

DearSugar — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 15:00:00 -0800

I've heard of sleepwalking, but sleep sex? Now that's a new one! It's also referred to as sexomnia and it's classified as a sleep disorder. People that suffer from sexsomnia wake up in the morning and have absolutely no recollection of what happened while they snoozed.

At this time scientists aren't sure what causes sexsomnia, but they think it may have to do with genetics, certain medications, or stress. They do know that sexsomnia rages in severity: some victims just moan and grope while others engage in sexual activity with themselves or with the person in bed with them. Some become violent and dangerous, and may even sexually assault people against their will.

Sexsomnia is a rare disorder, but it's definitely real. It's a type of parasomnia - any behavior typically disrupts sleep. Some examples are talking, walking, eating, or driving in your sleep. Parasomnia is common in kids, but as low as three to six percent of adults continue the behavior. Since sexsomnia is chronic, treatment is essential. Medication, therapy, and lifestyle changes where stress and alcohol are avoided can help prevent episodes.

Pretty interesting, huh? Do you know anyone that's suffered from sexsomnia?

Source

Group Therapy: Is Companionship Enough?

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly nine years. He is the most amazing person - it's almost the perfect relationship. However, our sex life is really missing something. We're not celibate, it's just that he has a very low sex drive. In fact we haven't had sex in three months even though we share a bed.

We've had this problem in the past, and though we try to deal with it, eventually we just lapse into the same routine. I'm losing interest in fighting these same battles over and over again. I've questioned many times in the past whether it's worth staying if nothing is ever really fixed. I've always decided that I'm better off staying in it for the companionship, because I'm sure I couldn't find a better guy. But it's getting harder and harder to make this decision to stay with him.

I know that relationships are hard work, but I don't want to be old and resentful of my boyfriend because there's no physical attraction. He compensates in other ways, but I've already noticed myself getting resentful. Has anyone else ever been in a similar situation? When do you walk away?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Come Story Telling with me!!! The Completed Story

DearSugar — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 11:00:00 -0700

I hope you all enjoyed this new feature as much as I did! Your wild imaginations made for a great story line! To read the completed tale you all helped create, read more

I woke up with the sun pouring through the blinds...My head was throbbing and my mouth was very dry. As I slowly opened my eyes, the blurry memories of the previous night came rushing back...did I really make out with that fireman in front of my crush??!!! I reached over to my nightstand to grab my blackberry and called Katie in hopes of piecing the jumbled up night together. Only my blackberry wasn't there....crap!! Why was I such a hard partyier??? I sat up immediately, where was my purple Miu Miu handbag??? I scanned my bedroom to notice that it wasn't my bedroom at all! What have I done? I rolled over as slowly and quietly as possible to get my barrings, and low and behold, I was in the fireman's bed. I laid back, put the covers over my head and shut my eyes in disbelief. Just as I was about to come up with a plan to get out of there before he got up, my fireman grabbed me and, gave me the most passionate morning kiss I have ever experienced. Then he pulled away and said "I'll make us some breakfast". He got up leaving the covers on the bed.

I couldn't seam to resist looking at his rear end as he left the room. Just as I was checking him out, he turned around and I noticed he was still quite excited. My heart started to beat fast as I tried to remember the sex that we had last night. Before I could think he jumped back into bed and said breakfast is going to have to be lunch, "I just got called in to work, but help yourself to anything you want, I'll be back in a flash" and hopped out of bed, into his uniform (which did I mention he looked way too hot for words in) and ran out the door. I looked around the bedroom to take everything in and realized this guy couldn't be so bad! I mean, he knew how to decorate considering it looked like page two through twenty six of the pottery barn catalog. Just when I had a good feeling about this, I saw a picture that caught my eye on his nightstand, a picture that made my spine itch, it was a picture of my youngest cousin, Carrie, who had just graduated from college within the past month. The very same picture had been mailed to me and reluctantly stuck to the fridge. I ran past him, guarding the door.

"Who the hell is this?" I shouted, near hysterics. "It's my colleague's daughter?" he said, a little off balance, probably wondering why he'd spent the night with a crazy person. "I've known this kid practically since birth, and her father is my best friend. And knowing that this girl has followed through on her dreams, I can too." Touched by his sweet, even if a little strange story, I let him through and made my way to the kitchen, feeling rather silly for not remembering my uncle was in fact a fire chief in a nearby town. He followed me and said "Last night was so amazing, I will forgive your insecure little outburst. Please stay for lunch." He gently kissed my lips and left the house. I helped myself to some coffee he had already brewed and contemplated whether I should stay. After having my coffee and toast I decided to give Katie a call on his house phone.

“Hey Katie… you might not believe this, but I spent the night with that hot firefighter from last night! “Oh my god,” Katie gasped. “Don’t you know that everyone was talking about how good you two looked together?! So, where are you? Can I come pick you up so we can get coffee and re-cap the night?" I took a moment to figure out if I wanted to leave and then thought to myself, what the hell. "Katie, I am still at his place and he asked me to stay for lunch, so coffee is going to have to wait!!! Just as I hung up the phone I heard a knock at the door. I peeked out and saw a woman-cute, blonde hair, nice tan, low cut shirt with what HAD to be an expensive set of fakies, my heart was saying I shouldn't get jealous that this may indeed NOT be the one who the fireman is actually dating mental note to self: find out fireman's name anyway, I am trying to figure out whether or not I should open the door when I hear the noise of a key being fit into the lock. I freeze, unable to decide whether I should go to the closet or shut myself in the bathroom. I hear the lock catch and before I could run and hide, I was face to face with a very surprised looking woman.

"Oh, sorry to barge in like this," she said, sticking out her hand ready for a shake, "I'm Michelle, the nanny for Nick's daughter. She's at her Mom's today but apparently she forgot his favorite blanket at Dad's place, so here we are." With half of the introduction out of the way, I relaxed a little bit, and said oh yes. He asked ME to drop that off for Nicky. You drive and I'll take shot-gun. we can chat on the way." I was going to find out all I could from this woman. I introduced myself, dressed quickly and we got in her car. I started asking questions, trying not to be obvious. He was 32, single, wanting to get married and have more kids. Nicky's mom cheated on him 3 years ago and his heart had just healed enough to try again. he was so lonely, and depressed. He seemed like the absolute perfect man. But, as we chattered on, it seemed he had his flaws. Turns out, he was a sex addict. I opened my mouth in shock and said "No way! I'm a recovering sex addict as well!" Michelle glanced, up, surprised at my enthusiastic admission, and said, "Well, I guess you have a lot in common then." She paused, considering her words. "I try to stay out of his business, but you seem nice, so I'll tell you this. You aren't the first person I've found alone at his place on a Sunday morning, and no offense, but I'm sure you won't be the last."

I felt a pang of jealousy as she said that, but then I thought about it well, he brought me back here and he has brought others back also so maybe I can change the future part. Then she said "But you are the only one that has ever wanted to come to his ex's house...." then, I added "and can we not tell her about the circumstances in which you found me?" She said sure as we pulled into the driveway. Suddenly I was sick with panic. Am I insane?? What am I doing here? Meeting some guy's ex who I just had a one night stand with? Why do I always get stuck in these crazy circumstances. What would the fireman say when he finds out. Thinking fast I undid my seat belt, opened the card door, and jumped out. Thank goodness we were at a stop light, I thought, as I ran, fists pumping, down the sidewalk in the middle of a quiet, tree-lined suburban street. I heard a horn honking ahead of me and I tried not to look, but it was persistent and getting louder. I finally turned to see who was honking, and could not believe who I saw! It was Katie, to the rescue! She slammed on her breaks and I opened her car door and jumped inside. "Oh my god, what are you doing???" Katie asked, looking at me like I was crazy. "Katie, I am going to drop off the fireman's daughters blanket as his ex wife's house! What am I doing?? Thank god your here, this is all just too much too soon. Will you drive me by the firestation so I can say goodbye to him and finally put this day to an end?" Katies obliges and off we go.

News to Me: Viagra-like Drug For Women?!

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0800

To all you ladies out there suffering from a low sex drive, hang tight, there might be a cure sooner than later! According to a recent article in USA Today, researchers at the University of Virginia are testing a gel-based product that has similar effects on women that Viagra has on men. This product, which is intended to boost the libido of women who have lost their sexual appetite, has not yet been approved by the FDA. If this drug is given the go ahead, BioSante Pharmaceuticals, Inc. will be able to help an astonishing one-third of American women who are suffering from hypoactive sexual desire disorder.

To read more, read more.

This experimental drug comes in a pump bottle and 24 hours before engaging in intimate behavior, women are directed to rub a small dab of this gel onto the upper arm. The medicine will enter the blood stream resulting in a boosted libido. Pretty cool, huh? According to Dr. Anita Clayton, a psychiatrist with the UVa Health System, this drug is proving to be better than past treatments so hopefully women will be able to get the help they need. It's about time women had access to sexually-enhancing medical treatments like men do!

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The How-To Lounge: Finding the Right Birth Control for you Part 1

DearSugar — Wed, 02 May 2007 09:30:00 -0700

I receive countless questions from women inquiring about the best birth control options out on the market, and my answer is always the same-- everyone is different and some methods work better for some than others. Finding the right match can take some trial and error, so I am here to give you some information, in an ongoing series, about different methods to help you find what works best for your lifestyle.

Click here to read more

While there are methods to protect against sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy, the safest and most effective way to protect yourself is abstinence. If you are in fact sexually active, here are some options to help keep you safe.

Condoms

Condoms are the most commonly used over the counter form of birth control because they protect against disease and pregnancy and there are usually no side effects to using a condom
Condoms are only 75% effective so it is best if they are used with a sperm killing agent as well
Putting on a condom correctly is essential to effectiveness. Remember to leave a 1/2 inch of room at the tip to collect semen and be sure to roll the condom all the way down the base of the penis
If you are in a monogamous relationship and you have both been tested for sexually transmitted diseases and are interested in a more convenient method of birth control, there are many prescribed hormones and devises on the market that might be a better match for you

The Pill

The Pill is the most commonly prescribed form of birth control. The pill stops a woman's ovaries from releasing eggs during ovulation. The pill also thickens the mucus found in a woman's cervix which makes it more difficult for sperm to penetrate
The Pill is 99% effective when taken properly: at the same time everyday. Be aware that taking antibiotics and other medications can interfere with the pills effectiveness, so it is advised to use another form of birth control while you are on other medications
While the pill works well for most women, others are heavily effected by its side effects which include but are not limited to experiencing a low sex drive, nausea, moodiness, depression, breast tenderness, the possibility of blood clotting (especially if you are a smoker over the age of 35) and possible skin sensitivity to the sun
In order to get a prescription for the pill, you must see your physician to go over your heath history in order to determine what pill is right for you

The Patch

The patch is a thin plastic sticker like patch that adheres to your skin, most commonly on your stomach, buttock, arm or chest. The patch must be changed once a week for three weeks in a row
The patch has similar hormones to the pill, however many women find it more absent-minded friendly since you only need to change it once a week versus taking a pill at the same time daily
The patch is most effective when it is changed at the same time every week and adhering it to a different part of your body each time
The patch has been proven to be more effective than the pill when used correctly but can cause pregnancy if it becomes loose or falls off for more than 24 hours or if it is left on your body for more than the allotted weeks time
The patch is not recommended for women who weigh over 198 pounds

Tune in tomorrow for Finding the Right Birth Control for you Part 2!