TresSugar

True Confession - Why Is He Still With Me?

DearSugar — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive this True Confession or not.

"I have no idea why my partner is still with me. He's more attractive than I am and I doubt I'm the only woman out there crazy enough to put up with him. He's going to realize this any day now. I know I shouldn't think so negatively about myself, but sometimes I can't help it. Do any of you ever feel the same way? Please say yes so I can forgive myself for having such low self-esteem!"

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Do Celebrities Make You Feel Better or Worse About Yourself?

DearSugar — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 15:00:00 -0700

It's no secret that Americans have a fascination with celebrities. Of course knowing that they live in a completely different world than we do makes admiring them from a far all the more fun, but new research shows that praising celebrities can actually improve self-esteem in those that suffer from low self-esteem. Jaye L. Derrick and Shira Gabriel of the University at Buffalo said:

Connections to celebrities - or parasocial relationships - can allow people with low-self esteem to view themselves more positively. . . . These parasocial relationships, which have very low risk of rejection, offer low self-esteem people an opportunity to reduce their self-discrepancies and feel closer to their ideal selves.

While I find this research interesting, I happen to feel the exact opposite - though I would never want to be a celebrity myself, I do look at them through envious eyes. It's their perfect exterior that makes me feel inferior, even though I'm fully aware of all the help, time, and effort it takes to make them look that way. What about you? How do you feel when you compare yourself to celebrities? Do they make you feel better or worse about yourself?

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Do Tell: What Are You Paranoid About?

DearSugar — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 13:00:00 -0700

It's completely normal to be insecure from time to time, but do you ever get paranoid thoughts? If so, you're not alone. According to a recent study, paranoia is no longer a symptom of mentally ill individuals, but rather a common feeling of the general public. An unusual study that was highlighted on the mental health Web site PsychCentral, created a virtual tour of a London train ride for 200 volunteers. They wore headsets and encountered computerized avatars of people riding this train, reading the paper, and occasionally glancing at the volunteers. While most of the individuals thought the virtual avatars were friendly, 40 percent actually felt at least one paranoid thought during this tour. Sure, the people that suffered from low self-esteem were more likely to suffer from paranoid thoughts, but the study proved that worrying about what others think, or assuming the worst about strangers is more common than not.

Since having paranoid thoughts from time to time is part of what it's like to be human, tell me ladies, what are you paranoid about?

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Ask an Agnostic: I Cheated on My Husband and Feel Guilty

TresSugar — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a Christian woman who cheated on her husband feels guilty and needs advice; she'll get some from an agnostic. If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I have a confession to make: I'm having an affair. I'm a good woman, and I do love my husband very deeply but I have a problem with being alone and he is not here. I have always had a problem with cheating and I have never been faithful in a relationship. I recently ended the affair but the guilt is killing me and I don't know what to do, especially as a Christian woman.

Signed,
Guilty as Sin

To hear what an agnostic has to say, read more

Dear Guilty,

I don't know what to tell you "as a Christian woman," as I am an agnostic woman and religion doesn't factor into my life, but I will tell you what I know about cheaters and cheating. It may not assuage your guilt, but perhaps it will help you to figure out why you continue to sabotage your relationships and undermine your self-esteem, and hopefully it will get you into therapy or counseling to get to the bottom of why you keep stepping out on people you say you love so deeply.

I have a theory about cheaters: they don't feel too good about themselves. I've heard many justifications for cheating, and they all seem to be variations on the theme of, "I'm being cheated, so I have a free pass to cheat." Let's say they feel cheated because they're not being paid attention to by their partner. Instead of expressing this to the partner and seeing how they can remedy it to their mutual satisfaction (or, if there's no remedy, to get the hell out of the relationship), they grab onto what they can to fill that void, their partner be damned. It's a passive-aggressive act that seems to say, "I am too powerless (or chicken) to directly confront this head-on, so I will get what I can on the down-low."

Or let's say they're jealous of their partner, who might be more successful, happier or have more sexual experience than they. Cheating for them accomplishes two things. Out of resentment that life hasn't given them what they wanted, and out of a feeling of egoic deficiency - they get a quick fix of attention from another person (filling a void inside by outside validation), and they secretly punish their partner for having what they don't.

You say you've never been faithful in a relationship, so although you almost blame your husband for your cheating ("he is not here"), you also admit you are the one with the problem. This is a good first step. So what to do now? There are two schools of thought about what you should do if you've cheated and stopped.

One school says that to tell the person you cheated on would be selfish; all it would accomplish is to put your burden on them. This school of thought says you should just suck it up and vow to yourself you'll never do it again. Another school says that you must come clean and give the other person a chance to decide whether or not they want to forgive you or work on the relationship with you.

This is a personal decision I can't make for you. For me, cheating is an (almost) irreparable act of contempt for the person you're in a relationship with. If it happened to me, I would want to have the chance to determine whether or not the person who did it was a) truly sorry, and b) sure it wouldn't happen again. I don't think I'd want someone of questionable ethics to decide on my behalf. Plus, I'd have more respect for someone who came clean even at the risk of losing the relationship.

What seems most important to me is that you figure out why, especially if you believe in the pretty rigid moral code of Christianity (especially when it comes to sexual matters), you keep on cheating? Maybe you are rebelling against this moral code. What do you lack within your marriage (but more importantly, within yourself) that you're getting from attention outside your marriage? (Maybe your husband travels a lot, leaving you alone. Lots of people are alone, though, without feeling empty inside. This is an important distinction.) Are you someone who doesn't feel comfortable confronting others, or asking for what you want? This "people-pleasing" attitude often means a lot of repressed anger, which can lead to cheating.

Whatever you decide to do, the first step I would recommend you take is to repair the relationship you have with yourself. If your actions don't square with your beliefs about right and wrong, you need to confront that first before you begin to heal your relationship with your husband. Hope that helps and good luck to you.

Dear Poll: Do You Have High Self-Esteem?

DearSugar — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

According to Merriam-Webster, self-esteem is defined as “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself." That sums it up, but I think it’s so much more. Self-esteem is about defining yourself outside of other’s perceptions. It’s about recognizing that you’re an imperfect person and that that’s OK. People with high self-esteem naturally make those around them feel more comfortable and confident, while persons with low self-esteem can easily end up closing themselves off from others. I know we all grapple with insecurities - that’s just part of being human - but would you say that you have high self-esteem?

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When a Girl Becomes a Woman: Menstruation Genes Found

TresSugar — Mon, 18 May 2009 11:30:00 -0700

"You're a woman, now." That sentence probably wouldn't make much sense to a young girl - sometimes as young as 7 years old - who has begun to menstruate. A new study suggests that genes, in combination with other factors, determine when a girl will reach the moment commonly referred to as the first sign of womanhood.

According to the study, genes that direct the onset of menstruation sit next to DNA controlling height and weight. This may explain why shorter and heavier girls get their periods at a younger age. In addition to the newly discovered genes, we know that factors like nutrition and exercise influence the onset of puberty.

Scientists hope that finding out what causes early menstruation will eventually improve women's health. The age of first menstruation has been dropping in the West (some girls get their first periods at the age of seven), especially among girls with higher BMIs. This is of concern to the health community, because early menstruation is associated with depression, aggression, substance abuse, low self-esteem, and a higher risk of disease as an adult.

How old were you when you got your first period? Were you thrilled, traumatized or just expecting it?

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You Asked: How Do I Get Him Back?

DearSugar — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I spent four months dating a really great guy. We broke up five months ago when he decided it was too hard, which it was. He works full time and goes to school. I also work full time, but my schedule changes every week. During the relationship. I did the same thing I've been doing all my life, and took the blame for everything that went wrong. It bothered him that I never shared my opinions because I've been programmed to feel that my opinion isn't worth much.

Recently I have been trying to stay away from him (to give him space) and started going to therapy for my low self-esteem. What else can I do to show him that he really does matter to me, and that we can both be happy? He never lied to me or failed to be there when I needed him for something. He's worth the work I'd have to put into the relationship. He's better then what I could possibly deserve even with his own imperfections. How can I get him back?

- Want Him Back Becca

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

Dear Want Him Back Becca,

It's great to hear that you're trying to work on your self-esteem and insecurities, but it still sounds like your expending more energy trying to get your ex back than figuring out how to make yourself happy without him. If one of the biggest obstacles in your relationship was your lack of self-confidence, by working hard to retrain your mind and grow your confidence, you will naturally open up yourself to a relationship (perhaps with someone who's schedule is more in tune with your own.)

Breakups are incredibly difficult, and letting go of someone that you feel close to hurts, but I recommend doing whatever you can to let your ex take a back seat while you continue to work on believing in yourself and building your self-esteem. Once you've given yourself time to heal and some space to grow, re-examine your past relationship and then decide if it's really something you want to pursue again. By that time, you'll likely have the confidence and spirit you need to easily start a new relationship if need be. Good luck to you.

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Beauty Lies Within

DearSugar — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 10:38:51 -0800

Dear Sugar
I have this overwhelming feeling that I am ugly all the time. I sit in front of the mirror and over analyze my face, I hate my nose and feel like I have gotten fat. People tell me this isn't true, but I always think they are lying. During college, I graduated three years ago, I used to do some modeling but I never understood why they asked me.

My boyfriend tells me everyday that he thinks I am beautiful but if he forgets, or if my friends don't think I look cute, which they do most of the time, I get so upset and assume I look terrible which ends up ruining my night. A million times a day I find myself comparing myself to other girls and I am paranoid that my boyfriend wishes I were someone else.

It has gotten to the point that when we have sex, I wonder if he is thinking about other girls. I have contemplated plastic surgery. Has anyone else ever felt this way; and what do you think I should do to fix my ailing self esteem? Down in the Dumps Diandra

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Down in the Dumps Diandra
I am so sorry you are feeling this way but try not to be too hard on yourself. You are not alone... many women suffer from low self-esteem and most of the time we are our own worst critic. Have you always felt this way about yourself or is your self-hatred a reaction to a recent event?

Suffering from low self-esteem can be extremely damaging so I think it is imperative to nip the root of this problem in the bud ASAP. From what you have said above, you are a beautiful young woman who is letting your confidence level get the best of you.

Have you considered speaking with a therapist? Are you willing to figure out why you feel this way about yourself? Many women turn to plastic surgery in an attempt to "fix" themselves even though the problem really has nothing to do with their physical looks, rather it has to do with their emotional insecurities.

Before taking any drastic measures, I advise you to seek professional help, as you are not in the right mind to go under any kind of knife and morph your look just yet. Hopefully, soon you can begin to love all the wonderful things your friends and family see in you. I wish you luck.

Self Help: How Can I Feel Better About Myself?

DearSugar — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 11:00:00 -0700

We all have moments when we feel insecure and bad about ourselves. The thing that is hard is when you hit a low spot and you're consistently beating yourself up. We can be our harshest judges and cruelest critics, so how do you break the cycle and start feeling good about yourself? Here are some ideas:

Instead of relying on others to give you compliments, give them to yourself. Focus on the positive aspects of your personality, your appearance, and your accomplishments. Quit worrying about what others think or say.
Don't allow yourself to say destructive comments to yourself like "I'm so stupid," or "Nobody likes me," or "I'll never be as pretty as so-and-so." Make positive comments instead.
Surround yourself with like-minded and supportive people. If you are working hard to better yourself in some way, say you're trying to lose weight, it's not going to help you to hang out with people who eat junk food and don't exercise.

What else can you do? To find out read more

If there is something specific about how you look, what you do (school or job), or your relationships that you are unhappy about - change it! Although it may seem really difficult at first, if it is causing you to feel bad about yourself, it'll be worth it in the end.
Try something new - take a painting class, fly on a trapeze, take a Spanish course, sign up for a 5K race - You'll feel proud of yourself and your confidence level is bound to improve how you you feel about yourself.

Nobody is born with an amazing self-esteem. Your family, your relationships, your environment, and your experiences all help to shape the opinions you have about yourself. A low self-esteem can be rooted in things you have no control of - maybe you were surrounded by people who never supported or encouraged you, or maybe you were in abusive relationships where you were insulted or ridiculed.

You obviously can't change the past, but you can learn from those experiences. In order to feel better about yourself, you need to know that those things were not your fault. Start telling yourself that you are a wonderful, brilliant, special person, and pretty soon you'll start believing it.

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DEARSUGAR Needs Your Help: The Excuse Captain Of The Universe

DearSugar — Tue, 12 Dec 2006 14:03:31 -0800

DEARSUGAR and Low Self Esteem Jean need your help. Her boyfriend is famous for giving her excuses even when he's been caught red handed. Can you guys help me out to make her see that this guy and his lies need to be kicked to the curb?

Dear Sugar
I have been with my boyfriend for about eight months now. Overall it's been good, but we've definitely been through some rough times and we do seem to fight a lot. The downfall started when I caught him kissing another girl while we were at a friend's house. Ultimately I forgave him because he claimed that he was drunk and didn't even remember it.

Next, I found dirty pictures that were emailed to him from his ex girlfriend. He told me that it was only a joke and it would never happen again. Again, I forgave him. Since then, I have caught him in a handful of lies, but he always seems to have a legitimate excuse.

The problem is that I really do care about him but I am getting frustrated finding out all of these things that are diminishing my trust for him. I don't want to lose my boyfriend, but I know what he's doing is wrong. At this point, I'm so confused that I'm not really sure what to do. What do you think? Low Self-Esteem Jean