TresSugar

The How-To Lounge: Making Long-Distance Phone Time

DearSugar — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 14:00:00 -0700

Let's face it: Staying in touch is hard, especially if you have a big family, lots of friends, or entire time zones separating you from the people you love. But the phone is an essential tool when it comes to nurturing long-distance friendships; the problem is finding time to talk.

If you've got friends spread out over the country or the globe, there are a few simple things you can do to make quality talk time. To see my tips and add your own, read more.

Make a date. Particularly when dealing with time zone issues, setting up a specific time to talk helps tremendously. If it's someone you talk to a lot, schedule a day and time when you can talk every week. For one-off chit-chats, use IM, texts, or email to find a time that works.
Write a pre-email. If you've got obligatory job and vacation updates to get out of the way, do it over email. That way, your phone call can focus more on the sort of goofy chit-chat and gossip you'd have if you were talking in person.
Make it fun. Sometimes, if you have a lot of catching up to do, a phone date with a friend can go for hours. To make it worth your while, turn it into a virtual happy hour: Pour yourself a glass of wine, have you friend mix up a cocktail, and sip while you dish.
Squeeze it in. If you don't have time for a marathon phone call, try calling friends and family when you have downtime here and there - if you're walking home from the subway or waiting for the cable guy to show up. This can also help the time zone issue: If you're coming home late and you live on the East Coast, your West Coast friends are just finishing dinner.
Double up. If your parents are on the other end of the phone but in the same room, why not talk to them both at once? Have them get on speaker phone so you don't have to repeat yourself.

Have your own tips? I'd love to hear them, so please share in the comments.

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You Asked: Thinking About Being Intimate Again Since My Husband's Death

DearSugar — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I am in a place where I will be considering being close to someone again. I have not been romantically close to anyone since my husband died nearly six years ago.

I've met someone and it has the chance of really developing into a great relationship, but I'm scared. You see, I was never experienced with many partners, in fact I've only been with a couple of men. The guy I'm getting close to is very much into sex. I'm nervous about when it comes to having sex, that I won't remember what to do, and that he'll get frustrated and not want to be with me.

I miss my husband but know being a widow in my 20's has left me shy of letting my heart be open. This man is protective, loving and simply wonderful, but his lifestyle is also a little dangerous. When I say that I mean that he is part of a club that sends him away a lot. Since I lost my husband at a young age, I'm concerned that something will happen to him.

I do not want to lose him, but knowing sex is important to him and my lack
of experience and long time since doing so has left me losing sleep.

-Having Stage Fright Francine

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Having Stage Fright Francine,

Your fear of rejection, of not being able to perform to the standards you think your boyfriend holds about sex have such a hold on you that you're too scared to take that leap. The best way to ease your nerves is to be honest with this guy. If he's an understanding guy, I'm sure he'd want to know exactly how you're feeling and it will encourage him to be patient with you and move slowly. If he really cares about you, and you care about him, your intimate moments will be about expressing the love you share, and not about your technique.

With that said, I think your nerves may have less to do with sex and lack of experience than you think. It's obvious that you feel unstable about loss, and I can completely understand why. Are you talking to a therapist to help work through your fears? He's got to know how uneasy you feel about him being away so much and that you're scared about getting close and then losing him so the best thing to do is talk to him.

If he can't do anything about his business trips, then maybe you guys can keep in touch everyday to make your time apart more bearable (by phone calls and emails). If you think that him being away from you may be too much for you to handle, then perhaps it's not such a good idea to get intimate with him in the first place. Just listen to your heart, and if something is telling you not to cross the line with this guy, then you've got to trust your intuition. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: Do I Need to Get Over Myself?

DearSugar — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 16:40:51 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I have been in a relationship for a year and a half, and my boyfriend just recently moved away for grad school. I live in Colorado and he lives in New York, so it's quite a distance. Before he left we both got matching promise rings but somehow I keep getting these images in my head that he is sleeping around, or making out with other girls. I am not a jealous person by nature but I really love him, and I'm scared to lose him. Is this a normal reaction or do I just need to get over myself? --Paranoid Paula

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Paranoid Paula --

Something tells me you have had a bad experience with cheating - has your boyfriend given you any indication that he is being unfaithful? Has he been talking about other women or have you heard from friends of friends that he is socializing with other women? If not, you may be acting a little paranoid here. Just because you are out of sight, it doesn't mean you're out of mind.

I am not sure why you are doubting his trust, but a women's intuition is a very powerful tool. If you can't shake this feeling, flat out ask him. Don't attack or accuse, just tell him your concerns and hopefully he will make you feel better. It's very easy to over analyze things in your head, especially when you're far away from the people you love, so try to take a step back and think about this logically - you love each other, you gave each other promise rings, and he hasn't given you any reason to believe he is cheating so just breathe and have faith in your relationship. Good luck.

Source

You Asked: Can a Long Distance Relationship Work?

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

Last night I went out with a friend and her husband. We were dancing and having a good time. I didn't have a date with me and I was content with that. There weren't any strange guys coming up to me with cheesy pick up lines. I was having a blast.

Around 1am a wedding party came in. Two guys approached me. One was obnoxious and used a line on me. The other one was nice and quiet with a great smile and gorgeous eyes. Soon he asked me to dance and we stayed at each other's sides the entire night. Afterwards, everyone went to grab a 3 a.m. bite to eat at the local Waffle House. He introduced me to the entire wedding party and I thought surely he'd ask for my number and we would go on many dates, and blah blah.....Little did I know, he lives in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania and I live in Georgia! So we stayed up talking at my friend's house until 6 a.m and I took him back to his hotel at 9:30 a.m.

Now here is the problem: I have found the perfect guy but he lives so far away! He did get my number and said he will call when he arrives home safely this evening. I can't help but fantasize about this relationship actually working. What am I supposed to do? I am the pickiest person in the world when it comes to guys and I don't wanna let this one slip away! HELP!! Will it work?

--In Love in Georgia

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear In Love in Georgia--

That's so awesome that you finally found a great guy, but what a bummer that he lives so far away! Your best bet is to wait for him to call you so you two can get to know each other a little bit more. See what he thinks -- ask him if he felt like there was a connection between you two and if he wants to see where this could go.

Some people find it difficult to be in a relationship with the other person isn't physically with them, but for other couples, they make it work. Long distance relationships are not easy, especially when you start off that way, but they are possible. It could be really exciting to get to know each other by talking on the phone and writing emails, and then you never know -- if you develop a bond that is unique, perhaps you can explore the possibility of moving to Philly, or him moving to Georgia. I'd say if he's willing to seeing where this can go, it's worth giving it your best shot. Good luck!

Source

Group Therapy: Long Distance Relationship Problem

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 03:00:00 -0700

So I am having a problem with my relationship, which happens to be a transatlantic long distance relationship. I live on the east coast in America, he lives in the UK.

We met while I was on vacation and visiting the town where he lived. We immediately hit it off and kept in constant contact for 9 months until I came to the UK again and we spent more time together and decided we cared about each other so much that we both wanted a relationship.

When I was there in March, he promised he was going to come and visit me in April. At this point, I have gone there twice so it is his turn to come and see me. He talks all of the time about how he can't wait until he sees me, and we talk on the phone every single day.

Click here to

Everything is great, EXCEPT..he has YET to make the arrangements to come and see me. It has been over half a month since I have been home, and he promised me he would do this, yet every time I ask him about it he says "I will check", and "soon". Everyday it's the same story, now its April, and he has no definete plans to come here. I am trying to be patient and he swears he means it when he says he will come here to visit, yet every day it is another excuse and I am getting frustrated. He always uses work as an excuse, saying he is so busy he hasn't had time to check. Yet he has plently of time to go out drinking and hanging out with his friends after work. Why can't he make the time to figure this out as well? And honestly, it doesn't take THAT much time to check your schedule and book a ticket! Everytime I mention it he says he will do it and not to "give him a hard time". I am getting fed up and do not want to invest anymore of my emotions and feelings into this if he is not going to come here to see me like he promised. I don't just want to drop the subject though, because in the meantime we are still talking and I like him more everyday and am scared to keep investing my emotions in this while he keeps making excuses. He is so great in every other way, and I don't want to give an ultimatum to him so what should I do??

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Group Therapy: A Boyfriend, a Crush, and 3000 Miles

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 16:00:00 -0700

I recently moved across the country to attend an exchange program at another university that's 3000 miles away. I'll be here for eleven weeks, or about two and a half months. I'm meeting all sorts of great people and going to fun parties, and I've developed a rather quick crush on someone I met and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way.

Click here to

The problem is, I have a boyfriend of six months at home. I know he's dealing with the separation as best he can, and he's wonderful, and I would never want to hurt him. But I also can't help how I feel. Maybe it's because I'm far from everyone I know and love. Maybe it's the thrill of newness. Maybe I'm just lonely. But this crush is witty and nice and makes me happy and I don't know what to do.

I don't want to wait until I do something I regret and hurt my boyfriend or lead this new guy on either. What should I do? Stop talking to my crush even though I enjoy his company? Be honest with my boyfriend when I know it will hurt him? I want to enjoy my time here, but I also don't want to do anything I'll regret, whether it's hurting my relationship or missing out on something potentially great while I'm here. What would you do? Any advice?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

The Benefits of Long Distance

DearSugar — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Though I've mentioned the environmental concerns related to a long distance relationship, I know that being able to physically see the person you love is extremely important. Feeling like a major facet of your relationship is out of your control can be very frustrating, and missing someone is always a struggle. Together, these can make long distance relationships difficult, which is probably why they get such a bad reputation.

But there are plenty of healthy, happy, and successful couples in long distance relationships. So why not look on the bright side and come up with some perks to doing the distance thing? I've listed mine below. What are yours?

You get to have more time for yourself.
You're never the friend who's always with her boyfriend.
You might miss out on nightly sex, but when you do have it, it's really great.
You can actually keep up with your plan to eat healthy and work out more.

To see the rest and share your own, read more.

There's always something to look forward to.
You may not have a lot of time together, but the time you do have is extra special.
You have the whole bed to yourself!
You actually get to miss each other.

Source

Intimacy Device Helps Long-Distance Couples See the Love

TresSugar — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 11:43:34 -0700

No, not that kind of intimacy device; this one has glimmers of science fiction. But if you're in a long-distance relationship, some British researchers want to help you get more intimate with your partner. A new invention, dubbed Mutsugoto, allows couples to "communicate intimacy" by drawing with lights on each other's bodies. Sounds hot!

The device promises to go beyond phone calls and email by allowing people to "communicate through the language of touch as expressed on the canvas of the human body." But it's not as simple as reaching out and touching someone.

Here's how it works: couples wear touch-activated rings on their bodies, and a camera mounted above the bed reads the rings. When one person moves the rings over her body, the strokes are transmitted and projected as light on the partner's far-away body. When the strokes cross, the lines change color.

This device might be a creative way for long-distance couples to break their routines of communication, but video chats still sound a lot more practical to me. To see a video demonstration, read more.

Mutsugoto from Distance Lab on Vimeo.

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Dear Poll: Have You Been in a Long-Distance Relationship?

DearSugar — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Long-distance relationships, or LDRs, seem to come up a lot around here. If you’ve been in one before, are currently in one now, or would never even consider one, it seems like everyone has some very specific feelings on the matter. I for one think long-distance relationships are very feasible, at least temporarily, but always challenging, too. With all the insight you ladies seem to have, I’ve never directly asked: Have you ever been in a long-distance relationship?

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You Asked: Long Distance Is Hard!

DearSugar — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 05:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,
I feel like just when I have finally found a strong and stable relationship, it's all about to crumble. My boyfriend and I have been dating for six months, none of which have been easy. Since the beginning, we've been carrying on a long distance relationship and I've been driving 300 miles almost every other weekend to see him. Here is the problem: I recently started a new job which is closer to him, but still three hours away. I work almost seven days a week and my hours differ.

My boyfriend has gotten used to the situation from before and doesn't like the change. He says he understands that it's not that I don't want to see him, it's that I can't. With that said, he still constantly pesters me about visiting him when I just can't do it! I adore him, he's my rock right now, but I just have a bad feeling about this. How do I nicely tell him that he's bothering me without hurting his feelings? I don't want to lose him but I need him to be understanding and supportive. - Frustrated Franny

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Frustrated Franny,

Long distance relationships are very hard, there's no doubt about it, but if you're both willing to put forth the effort it takes, you can make it work, however I'm seeing a few red flags here. It seems like you're the only one that's putting forth that effort to see one another. Why is that? Is your boyfriend working the same long hours as you are? If not, it would be nice if he would drive to you every once in a while. Also, you've said it's been hard from the get go and you have a bad feeling. I'm a firm believer in trusting your intuition, so please don't ignore what your body is trying to tell you. Relationships are all about compromise and give and take, so if he's not pulling his weight, your one sided relationship is going to suffer.

Be honest with your boyfriend. Let him know that if you had it your way, you'd see him every day, but since your job is requiring you to work such long hours, it's just not possible right now. Yes, you might hurt his feelings, but he needs to know that his pestering is only making the distance harder. At the end of the day Franny, he's going to have to do his part in order to make this relationship work. Hopefully, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you two and I wish you luck.

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