TresSugar

Dear Poll: Would You Move Back in With Your Parents?

DearSugar — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 15:00:00 -0700

Living on your own as an independent woman is something we all strive for, but what happens when you just can't afford to make ends meet? I know moving back into your parents house isn't ideal, but for some it's the only option. So ladies, tell me, if you needed to move home until you got back on your feet, would you consider it?

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: My Roommate Is Crossing the Line

DearSugar — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Sleepless Sammy need your help. Her roommate has been extremely disrespectful and it's starting to affect her ability to get a good night's sleep. She's tried to talk with her roommate about it, but she has yet to make an effort to change. She's stuck in her lease until the end of Summer, so do you have any advice as to how she can make the best of this living satiation?

Dear Sugar,

I'm in law school and living in an apartment with another girl who I found on Craigslist. It's been about seven months now and I feel like she has absolutely no respect for me. She uses my stuff, eats my food, drinks my beer, and lets her friends crash on our couch without ever asking me. I can deal with these things; however, I recently hit my breaking point.

My roommate likes to sleep around and will have loud, porn-like sex even when I’m home. It's not that I'm a prude - she's entitled to sleep with whoever she wants - but our walls are paper thin and I can hear every bed creak, scream, and moan, and sometimes I can feel her bed shake through the wall we share. Her late night activities are wreaking havoc on my sleep pattern and I'm constantly exhausted. I’ve talked to her about it once before but nothing has changed. I’m stuck in this lease until August but I can't continue living like this. What should I do? - Sleepless Sammy

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You Asked: His Mother Is Trying to Control Him!

DearSugar — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 13:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been going out for four years; since I was 20. Despite working full time, he still lives at home with his mother who is very controlling, and in turn, he lets her treat him that way. The problem is he can't say no to her. She frequently makes plans for him and guilts him into staying home. It's gotten to the point where he doesn't have any friends he sees regularly besides me.

The other night we arranged to go out for dinner. When he got home from work, his mom had made him dinner because he forgot to tell her we had a date. Rather than saving the dinner she made for another day, he called and told me he changed his mind about going out and then he got mad at me for being inflexible when I got upset.

Clearly his mother is causing a rift in our relationship. It feels like she is trying to fight me for his attention all the time. This has been going on a long time now so I guess it is my own fault for putting up with it, but I don't think he will ever change. Do you think I should wait until he moves out or see if things change on their own? - Competing Courtney

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Competing Courtney,

First thing's first - talk to your boyfriend about how his actions affect you. He might be feeling pulled in two directions by the two women he loves most. So if he's not aware that he's hurting your feelings, he might just be trying to avoid hurting her's. Since your boyfriend has a full-time job, I think it's time he looks for a place of his own. I understand money is tight for almost everyone right now, but there are always options: roommates, a small studio, or a sublet.

Waiting for something to happen on its own isn't your best bet here, so voice your concerns and set some ground rules. If he's unwilling to make time for both of you, you'll need to decide if this rift is something you can tolerate. Good luck.

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You Asked: How Do I Kick My Roommate Out?

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My roommate moved to Seattle (my town) from Indiana at the end of June after I had secured a lease on an apartment. We had never met before, except online through a mutual hobby. She moved in time to go to an interview for a job she did not end up getting. A month went by before she found work, leaving me to pay the rent in its entirety, with the agreement that she'd pay me back once she found a job. Meanwhile, as she sat at home looking for a job all day, she did nothing to clean the apartment. I would come home from work, do the dishes, clean up the place, make dinner, and then go to bed. Rinse, repeat.

She finally got a job, and then lost it three weeks later. This was not her fault, but regardless, it has been three weeks since she lost her job and she still does not have another. Not even a minimum wage job to tide her over until she finds a web design job she wants. And yet again, she fails to do anything around the apartment.

I can't stand the fact that I'm living with someone I find to be irresponsible. In addition to the lack of cleaning, lack of job, and lack of ability to pay rent on time, I hate her dog. I walk in every night and the dog is all over me. She doesn't do anything to stop it, so I always feel like the bad guy for disciplining it. We are both on the lease. I've already inquired about switching roommates and the landlord said it wouldn't be a problem, but how do I tell her I want her out? She has no money and no job, but I'm simply miserable! - At My Wits End Emma

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear At My Wits End Emma,

Yikes, your situation really does sound miserable. While I understand helping your roommate once, there's absolutely no reason why you should be carrying the weight yet again, so it's time to put your foot down and be firm with her. Everyone knows it's a difficult time to find a job, but she's a grown adult who should have planned for this, or at least gotten a part-time job in the meantime so she can pay her share of the bills.

This woman has not been taking your feelings into consideration, and while I don't feel that two wrongs make a right, I think you should concentrate on yourself right now. Your home needs to be a place where you're comfortable, and your roommate has to be someone you trust and who respects your living space; she clearly doesn't fit that model.

If I were you, I'd just be honest with her. Tell her that it's simply not working out and you no longer want to live together. If she puts up a stink, be aware that you might be the one that has to move since both your names are on the lease. Regardless of who gets the actual apartment, it's very clear that you two are not meant to be roommates. In order to salvage your relationship (if you even want to), I suggest you broach the subject as soon as possible, because something has got to give! Good luck.

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A Do or a Don't: Living With Friends

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Living with someone can give you an entirely new perspective, and unluckily it’s not always for the best. The close proximity created by a living space creates many opportunities for butting heads, and so I often hear people say that it’s better to live with someone you don’t know, rather than with a friend. It’s easy to lose a bad roommate but harder to lose a good friend.

But I’ve never agreed. I think friends are the ideal roommates, as long as you’re aware that you’ll be facing their good along with their bad. But do you agree? Or do you think it's only a recipe for disaster?

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Handle This: Your Roommate Has Terrible Hygiene

DearSugar — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

You just moved into a new apartment with another girl. The place was super clean and the girl was nice, so it seemed like the perfect fit. But after only a week living with your roommate, you’re starting to notice something funny - specifically, her smell.

A trail of B.O. seems to follow her everywhere, and you've never actually confirmed that she brushes her teeth. Living in such close quarters you can’t help but be affected by it. It’s really starting to gross you out, so how do you handle this?

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This or That: Tiny Pad or Parents' Place?

DearSugar — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 16:00:00 -0700

Financially speaking, times are tough for you and your fiancé. He was recently laid off and your job doesn’t pay well to begin with. Unfortunately, he’s been having a difficult time getting a new job, and now that your lease is up, you guys need to downgrade in order to make ends meet. Your apartment hunt has hit a few snags, but you desperately need to get out of your current place before drowning in credit card debt. Would it be worse if . . .

This: You get stuck with the only affordable apartment around, which is a 200-ft. studio that doesn’t even have a closet? The neighborhood is nice, but still, you'll literally be stepping all over each other.

Or…

That: You end up back in his old bedroom at his parents' house, who only asks that you’re home for dinner every night, and breakfast on Sunday mornings? It's spacious and cheap, but they're completely demanding!

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This or That: He's Hating or He's Crushing?

DearSugar — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 15:00:00 -0800

Things have been going extremely well with your new beau. In fact, you've been spending four nights a week at his apartment, and it's been as easy as can be. The only negative is that his roommate kind of gives you a strange vibe that you just can't put your finger on. You've mentioned it to your boyfriend, but of course, he doesn't notice anything; it doesn't help that his roommate is one of his oldest and dearest friends. Would it be worse if . . .

One day you come over to find your boyfriend upset because his roommate is making him choose between you and him? He won't reveal the specifics of what his roommate complained about, but he said he's moving out if you don't stop coming over.

Or . . .

You receive an unexpected email from his roommate telling you that he's in love with you? He asks you not to tell your boyfriend because he doesn't want to create a problem, but he feels like he'd always regret not telling you how he really feels.

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You Asked: I Slept With My Roommate, Now What?

DearSugar — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I broke the cardinal rule of hooking up with my roommate. We have this amazing chemistry so it was bound to happen sooner than later. I'm fairly new to the city and he's become my closest friend and confidant. Right after we hooked up, we decided to try a real relationship, but it fizzled pretty quickly. He turned out to be really immature and a little too needy for my liking. The problem is we're still living together and while we've only had sex once since we "broke up," he'll still pull me into bed with him in the mornings, or I'll get lonely and insecure and go and cuddle with him.

I have a track record of falling for guys too easily and while he's happily moving on with his life, I'm still hung up on him! My usual solution is to make a clean break - no calls, no emails, no contact at all but we live together and I'd really rather not move out. How do I get over him? And how do I convince him that the cuddling in bed is inappropriate when I'm finding it so hard to give up myself? This is all so complicated. Please help!
-We Crossed the Line Carrie

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Dear We Crossed the Line Carrie,

Seems like you really got yourself into a jam here. Although you don't want to move, the easiest way to put this situation behind you is to find a new apartment. If that's absolutely out of the question, you need to put an end to your early morning cuddling ASAP. Sure, it's easy to snuggle up with him when you're feeling lonely, but doing that will only make you more lonely in the long run. I'm a big advocate of out if sight out of mind so get yourself out there and meet people. Just because you're new to the city doesn't mean you need to stay home all the time - go to the gym, read at a coffee shop, explore your new city, and get involved in your community. Not only will doing those things help you get your mind off your roommate situation, but you'll increase the chances of meeting someone else.

The next time you're tempted to fall back into your routine, remember why your relationship didn't work out - he was too immature and needy for your liking. At the end of the day, it's your decision but if you stay strong and don't give into the convenience of having a warm body in the room next to you, I promise you'll be better off in the long run. Good luck.

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You Asked: Where Should I Go to the Bathroom?

DearSugar — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about six months already, and for those six months, he has basically been homeless. No, no like he's not a bum, but he lives with his single dad in their garage while their house is being constructed.

His dad has gone to great lengths to build the garage himself with bedrooms in the upper floor so they can get by until the house is complete. My problem is that I am over at my boyfriend's "house" a lot and there is only one bathroom, which is right in front of the living area and the rest of their living space. Normally I have no problem going to the bathroom there and running into his dad and random people that are over, but when we have sex, I simply just want to run to the bathroom in his T-shirt or a towel. Now I am either forced to get fully dressed and clean up, or hold it all in which I know is unhealthy. Sometimes I don't want to go through all the trouble to embarrass myself. What should I do? - I Gotta Go Gretta

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Dear I Gotta Go Gretta,

You're right, it is imperative to go to the bathroom after having sex in order to prevent UTIs so let's put our heads together and make this garage living work for you. First of all, do you and your boyfriend have to sleep at his house every night? Can you sleep at your place instead or at least alternate houses so you aren't with his dad all the time?

Since you're living in such close quarters, his father obviously knows you're sleeping there, so why do you feel the need to get completely redressed? Can you keep a bathrobe on the back of his door, or could you throw on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt so you're more covered up? All three of you are grown adults so try not to get too hung up on the embarrassment factor - just do your business and return to his room if you're still weirded out. Hopefully this construction won't take too much longer and you can have more personal space with your boyfriend. Good luck, and I hope this helps.

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