TresSugar

You Asked: I Moved In and Now I Want to Stay

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I moved in with my boyfriend because of financial reasons and because he wanted to help me out. We both said it would be temporary, but now I'm not sure I can go backwards. I want to make a life with him because I love him so much, and I know he feels the same but I'm not sure how to bring this up. Should I just move out and not say a word, or open up and tell him how I feel?

-I Want to Stay Stephanie

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Dear I Want to Stay Stephanie,

You should most definitely talk to your boyfriend. Explain to him how much you love him and love living together. Tell him that you've given it some thought and you'd like to stay, but you want to know how he feels and make sure you're on the same page. Say that you know you previously decided that this would be a temporary situation, but you like it so much that you don't see why you should move backwards. Whatever you do, don't just move out without expressing your feelings. You'll always regret not listening to your heart. Since you said that you know he loves you very much, I'm sure he won't want to let you go. I hope things work out.

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You Asked: Can I Tell My Boyfriend to Get a Job?

DearSugar — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 years now, and it seems like everyone around us is getting engaged, married, having kids, and moving in together. I'm not in any rush to get married, but I do want us to live together. He is currently unemployed and we don't have the money to move in together. How can I get him to start looking for a new job without sounding like a nag?

--Ready To Move In Renee

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Dear Ready To Move In Renee--

I am wondering where your boyfriend is living now and how he's paying for it. As a matter of fact, how is he paying for anything? Is he living with friends or family? Is he charging all his expenses to his credit card? And how long has he been unemployed? These are great questions to answer, because they'll help you figure out how mature your man is, and if he is "living together" material.

I know you may be feeling bad that everyone around you is in relationships where they are either married, engaged or cohabitating, but even though you are ready for that next step, it doesn't sound like your man is. Living together may seem all fun and exciting, but it takes a degree of maturity and responsibility from both people to make it work.

If I were you, I'd definitely encourage him to go out and get a job - you're not being a nag, you're doing him a favor. Even if he does get one, I wouldn't move in with him just yet. He needs to prove to you that he can keep a job, have his own apartment, manage his money and pay his bills. If you move in with him before you know he can be responsible in that way, how can you be sure he can pull his weight when you're sharing an apartment together? Be patient, but don't be too patient. If you don't see him making any effort in the job search, I'd think about finding yourself the responsible and mature man you want and deserve.

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You Asked: He Won't Help With the Chores

DearSugar — Thu, 20 Sep 2007 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years now and we've been living together for a year and a half. The things is that we always have those kinds of arguments that people have when they live together - about things he's left around the house, about the bathroom being messy, and about him not helping with the dishes, etc.

Yesterday he told me that he wanted to get his own place for a while since we're always arguing about household stuff. He wants to see if things improve in our relationship. I know that he is certainly not thinking about breaking up with me, but I feel bad about him moving out. I'll miss him, and I like sharing our home. On the other hand, I think that I should let him go so he can miss me and not take me for granted.

What should I do? Let him go for a month or two, or insist he stay??

-Loving Living Together Laura

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Dear Loving Living Together Laura--

You are describing the problems that all couples have who live together. If he takes a "break" and moves out for a while, it won't magically solve these problems. As soon as he moves back in after missing you for 2 months, your problems will still be there. I suggest that he doesn't move out.

The only way to fix these problems is to be proactive about it. You've got to sit down together and set up some guidelines and a cleaning schedule so you each know who is responsible for what. You should both be in charge of cleaning up after yourselves, and when it comes to other household chores, you can either take turns or assign certain chores to each person. Maybe he does the vacuuming and takes out the trash, and you do the dishes and clean the bathroom.

It sounds like he's freaking out about having to answer to someone and he doesn't like being nagged. When he lived alone, he could do what he wanted and leave his dirty underwear on the bathroom floor. Now that he's living with you, it's all about respecting the space that you two share. Cleaning the house is no fun for anyone, but it's just not fair when one person is doing all the work. Once you guys work out a schedule, you'll be able to focus on the fun parts of your relationship.

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Are You Anti-Marriage?

DearSugar — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 11:00:00 -0700

As a little girl, I always knew I'd grow up, meet someone and get married, or at least I always hoped I would. But in this day and age, with the divorce rate so high, I found that some of my friends (men and women), have made the conscious choice NOT to get married. They see marriage as the road to divorce.

These anti-marriage friends aren't young, they aren't angry, and they are definitely not sleeping around. They are actually extremely caring, sensitive and loyal lovers who have had a little too much experience watching couples' relationships fall apart. They are in committed relationships with people who share their feelings about marriage. They don't want to end up in a traumatic divorce, so they just play pretend marriage. They basically do everything married people do --buy a house together, share a bank account, get a dog, even have kids-- but they skip the wedding.

So what do you think? Do you have friends like mine, who see divorce as the next step after the wedding? Do you feel that it's possible to live and love just ONE person for the rest of your life or do you still have faith in the sacred union of husband and wife? I want to know: Do you believe in marriage, or do you think it's doomed from the start?

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Changed His Mind

DearSugar — Tue, 19 Jun 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I am 18 yrs old and have been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half (he will be 21 in October). I'm very confused right now because he and I are planning on moving in together. We have been talking about this for at least six months, but now that I have finally talked to my mom and got her to accept it, he is very crabby and gets irritated when I bring it up. He says I talk about it every day, which I know I don't. My boyfriend is the most hard-headed person I know, so that makes everything difficult.

Well I don't know what to do with that, but on top of everything else, he has started to drink a lot more and go out with his friends almost every night, which I am sure is only going to get worse when he actually turns 21. I have a lot going on and just really need some advice, can you help me?

--Confused Catherine

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Dear Confused Catherine--

Take this as a huge warning sign! It sounds to me like your boyfriend is NOT ready to live with you, even though he agreed to it in the past. He must have changed his mind, which is pretty disrespectful to you and your relationship, but it's better to find out now before you get settled into a new apartment. He should be honest with you and tell you that he's not ready, or that he changed his mind, or whatever his reason is, instead of turning the tables and insinuating you are pressuring him. If he's too "hard-headed" to listen, well then, he doesn't deserve to live with you in the first place. Living together is a huge step, so if you are struggling with communication now, I would re-think your decision to cohabitate.

Turning 21 is a huge deal to some people, since it allows so much freedom. It sounds like he'll want to be out drinking with his buddies and if that doesn't sit well with you, that is just another reason that living together just might not be the right thing to do at this time. Moving in with someone requires commitment, trust, patience, and respect, and unfortunately it sounds like he's too immature for all that. He needs to "sow his oats" and if I were you, I wouldn't be around when he does. Good luck Catherine.

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Dos and Don'ts of Living Together Before Marriage

DearSugar — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 10:30:00 -0700

When couples get serious in their relationship, they start to think about taking things to the next level, and living together is usually the next step. Many prefer to do it before they get married to strengthen their bond and see if they're compatible, but before you pack up your boxes and move in on the fly, here are some things to consider.

Do	Don't
Do be flexible about where you'll live. Take space, cost, and convenience into consideration. And instead of moving into one of your places, consider finding a completely new place.	Don't move in for the wrong reasons. You shouldn't live together just because it'll save money or it's close to your favorite health food store. Decide to share a place because of where you are in your relationship.

To see the rest of my dos and don'ts read more.

Don't

Do communicate each other's needs, expectations, and schedules before moving in. He should know that on Tuesday nights, you need the place to yourself to host your all-girls potluck dinner.
Do respect those needs, expectations, and schedules. If he can't stand a dirty kitchen, don't leave your dishes in the sink.
Do discuss your finances. Whether you split things even-steven or one person pays more than the other, be sure you're fully aware of your responsibilities.
Do make sure you're on the same page when it comes to having pets, house guests, and time alone.
Do divvy up the chores and responsibilities that come with your home evenly and fairly.

Don't assume that moving in together means you're getting married. If that's the only reason you're doing it, perhaps you should wait until you're engaged first.
Don't buy a place together unless you're ready. It's better to rent together first, without any financial ties.
Don't be bossy or stubborn about decorating. Try to compromise with a new style that works for you as a couple.
Don't let living together take the romance out of your relationship. Be sure to schedule weekly dates to keep the magic alive.

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Do You Believe in Living Together Before Marriage?

DearSugar — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 11:00:00 -0700

Sometimes I feel like my grandmother's generation is like another species. Those women were just so different when it came to their opinions about relationships. I try to welcome my mom's advice, but sometimes, it's just so "out there," that I have to end the conversation.

The other day we were talking about my best friend who is about to move in with her boyfriend when my mom went off on this whole tangent. She believes that living together before you get married is a bad idea because you'll end up getting divorced. She said it's like playing house and unless the two people are committed to each other by law, that they're not going to take the relationship seriously. She thinks it makes it easy for people to walk away from their relationship problems, instead of staying together to work them out.

I had to completely disagree with her. I believe that it is absolutely essential to live with someone before you make the marriage commitment. Being in love with someone and living with someone are two totally different things. You've got to try the person out to make sure you're compatible roommates. If you can survive living together, and work out all the things you need to do like grocery shopping, cleaning, sharing a bathroom, and paying the bills, you're on your way to a successful marriage.

So what do you think about living together before marriage? Is it a good idea or a bad idea? Will it pave the way for a healthy marriage, or cause a future marriage to end up in divorce?

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Dear Sugar Needs Your Help: His Past Made Him Scared of Living Together

DearSugar — Sat, 10 Nov 2007 09:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar and Ready and He's Not Nell need your help. She's ready to live with her boyfriend, but he's reluctant based on an awful past experience. Do you have any advice?

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and we have a great relationship in all respects. We love spending time together, and we deeply love and respect each other. We've both expressed that we're in it for the long haul, and although we haven't talked about marriage we know we're headed that way. Since we're still young, we're in no hurry but in the meantime we've discussed living together, but he's reluctant.

You see, he once lived with his ex-girlfriend, and shortly after they moved in together, things started to unravel. She never gave him any time or space to himself, and she didn't do her share around the house and became disrespectful and inconsiderate of his needs and feelings. Communication and intimacy went out the window, and the bitterness and resentment continued to build until she finally left him for another guy.

Because this is his only experience living with a girlfriend, he's scared that the same thing might happen to us. He realizes that our relationship is a hundred times better than theirs was, but for some reason he's still not sure about the whole idea. He says that he definitely sees us living together in the future, but whether it will happen soon (when our leases expire in seven months) is still up in the air. It's really frustrating when I'm so confident about living together, and all he can see is the possibility of failure.

I hate being judged based on some other girl's stupid mistakes, and would love the opportunity to show him that we can make it work. Is there anything I can do to encourage him to give it a chance?

-Ready and He's Not Nell

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Group Therapy: I'm Not Ready to Live Together

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 06:00:00 -0800

There is a nine-year age difference between my boyfriend and me. He is almost 30 and I am finishing my last year of college. We have known each other for almost seven months and have dated for the last four. He has increasingly alluded to the idea that once I am finished with school, he and I will find an apartment and live together. When he first suggested this, I told him I wasn't ready to jump into living together so quickly. He doesn't have a steady job and I will just be entering the "working world." He got really upset, saying that the "natural progression" in a relationship is for both people to start thinking about living together once they've been together for a while. While I agreed that after some time you will inevitably start thinking about it, I pointed out that we haven't been dating for very long at all and that even though he feels ready and is willing to take the next step, I don't feel the same way just yet. He took this to mean that I saw no future with him and the conversation ended rather quickly after that. He has hurt feelings and I don't know what else to say or do, besides telling him I'm not ready. Do you have any suggestions?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]
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Sunday Confessional: My Parents Don't Know We're Living Together

DearSugar — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 09:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year and we've been living together for just over three months. The thing is, my parents are super conservative and would just die if they found out we were living together before marriage. So I've been lying to my parents, and when we see them, I make him lie too but he hates it. Since my parents are such do-gooders, they'd be really angry if they found out we were lying to them all this time, but they'd be even more angry if they knew we were "living in sin."

I lie to them so that we are able to live the way we please and I don't feel guilty because what they don't know won't hurt them, but is it wrong for me to make him lie as well, or is it forgivable since I'm doing what's right for us?

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