TresSugar

Do Tell: Why Ask, When You Already Know the Answer?

DearSugar — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 12:00:00 -0700

As someone who offers a lot of advice, I’m often asked questions in which it’s clear to me that the asker already knows the answer. In fact, they’re often first to point out that they know exactly what to do, but they’re just unable to do it. I had been thinking a lot about this and then it dawned on me; they’re probably just looking for permission to do the “wrong” thing.

I could be completely mistaken, so I want to know your opinion on this. Do you ever encounter this with your friends? Are you guilty of doing this yourself? Ladies, do tell, why ask when you already know the answer?

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Dear Poll: Does It Bother You When People Give Unsolicited Advice?

DearSugar — Mon, 26 May 2008 12:00:00 -0700

When you're down and out or dealing with a difficult situation, it seems that most people are at no loss for words of wisdom even if that's the last thing that you want to hear. The same goes for advice too. Whether you’re complaining about an annoying colleague or an argument with your boyfriend, sometimes you’re just looking for an eager ear and not a mouthful of encouraging solutions. I know that when I want to just vent, advice of any kind is definitely unwelcome! Does unsolicited advice bug you too?

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Dear Poll: Do You Ever Just Pretend to Listen?

DearSugar — Tue, 13 May 2008 11:00:00 -0700

If you’re even moderately well mannered, there’s probably been a time or two when you’ve listened to someone else recount a story or gripe over a personal issue that you had absolutely no interest in. In those moments, it’s often easier to just nod and smile then actually try to follow what they’re saying. It may not be the nicest thing to do, but it’s better than just completely ignoring someone so let me ask you: do you ever just pretend to listen?

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This or That: Whining or Gloating?

DearSugar — Thu, 08 May 2008 10:00:00 -0700

You and a friend have made a great duo for the past year while you’ve both been single. It’s been so nice to have someone to commiserate with over all the bad dates and giggle with after the great late nights. While you’re not opposed to finding a guy, you’re actually really happy with the way things have been lately. Unfortunately, after a night out a month ago, everything has been different with your friend. Would it be worse if…

This: She met a new guy and just won’t stop talking about how amazing he is and how perfect they are together? You’re happy for her, but now when you see her it’s more like she’s bragging then actually talking with you.

Or…

That: After getting turned down by a cute guy, she just won’t stop whining about how terrible her life is, and how she’s going to end up alone forever? You understand where she’s coming from, but her constant pity party is getting old and starting to bring you down too.

Which would be worse?

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Is Eavesdropping Impolite?

DearSugar — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 10:00:00 -0800

I love to people watch. I think it's a fun past time as long as you do it in a way that isn't obvious or rude, but what are your thoughts on eavesdropping? It's like people watching but with your ears, and I'll admit that if the opportunity presents itself, I've definitely been one to listen in on other people's conversations.

I happen to feel that a little innocent eavesdropping is totally acceptable, but what are your thoughts on the taboo subject? Do you think it's impolite to listen in on other people's conversations, or is freedom of hearing the rule you live by?

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Self Help: Keep a Journal

DearSugar — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 08:00:00 -0700

Women spend a lot of time worrying and thinking about things. That's just our nature. If I spend too much time running thoughts or problems over and over in my own head, I get totally stressed out. Plus it clouds my brain and then I can't focus on anything else.

Talking to a trusted friend or a therapist is awesome, but sometimes you just want to get your thoughts out without anyone listening, judging, or offering advice. That's where journal writing comes in.

Click here to read more

I've kept a journal ever since junior high. Back then I had a locked book that said "My Diary" on the cover and it got me through my first period and my first crush. Having a journal has helped me through some tough times since then too. Writing in a journal is also a way to keep track of important events (good and bad). I can look back to entries I wrote many years ago and relive bad dates (these are good for a laugh), birthday celebrations, fights I've had with friends, and unforgettable nights out once we've made up, graduations, even amazing restaurants I had forgotten about.

A journal is always there for you, never talks back, and always remembers what you say. It's a way to tap into your creative and thoughtful side. I guarantee that once you've gotten your thoughts and feelings out on paper, you'll be able to sort through them all, and make better sense of a situation.

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He Doesn't Seem to Listen? Blame His Brain

TresSugar — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 11:30:00 -0700

I've been lucky to have boyfriends who didn't just love talking like I do, but who were good listeners, too. Maybe they were in the minority, or maybe they worked hard to overcome what many scientists say is a male brain hardwired to keep conversation short and informational.

Compared to women's brains, researchers conclude that men's brains not only have fewer verbal centers, but their brains produce less serotonin and oxytocin. The former aids in calming a person down and the latter with bonding.

Sociolinguist Deborah Tannen's fascinating book You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation, focused on how men and women are socialized to have different conversational styles. Women, she argued, use talk to connect emotionally to another person, while men use conversation to impart knowledge. If you want to hear tips on how men and women can better communicate, then read more.

So whether we look to biology or society for the differences in men and women's conversational styles, the differences seem to be there. How can we bridge the gap? Psychotherapist Robi Ludwig has some tips. For men, she suggests that they remind themselves that although they think women talk too much, take too long to get to the point, or don't allow for lulls in conversation, that women are talking to connect to them, so they should listen to show emotional support. Women don't necessarily want you to solve the problems they're telling you about - just listen. And just because you're not fascinated with what she's saying, she probably listens to a lot of stuff with rapt attention about which she couldn't care less.

And women? Pay attention to timing. Don't bring things up when he's trying to unwind, try to keep it short and to the point (this would be impossible for me!), and make sure he's listening by pausing and maintaining eye contact. Or, you could use a strategy some of my female friends have taken: go to your female friends if you have something you really want someone to listen to!

Things He Should Know: Listening Like You Mean It

DearSugar — Tue, 06 Mar 2007 12:30:00 -0800

It's an unsettling and hurtful feeling when your partner doesn't seem to be listening to you. Not only is it frustrating, but it can easily begin to feel as if you're not worthy or important or interesting enough for his undivided attention. I think aspiring to be more present is one of the most loving and generous goals anyone can have. And like any skill, listening better is a matter of practice and willingness.

To read more read more

Feeling heard helps secure trust and confidence in a relationship. But, in order to feel heard, someone needs to be listening well. Body language plays a huge role in listening to others: uncross your arms, shift your focus, and most importantly, look your partner in the eye when she's talking to you. Be present when you're listening to your partner and engage her; ask questions and take part in the conversation. If you aren't following her completely, it's okay. Ask a few questions.

These 6 tips from AskMen.com will help steer you in the right direction:

* Remember that your one and only job while listening is to understand her experience, feelings, attitude or point of view.
* Always give her your undivided attention. Make sure that you're not watching the football game while she's trying to discuss your next vacation together.
* Help her along by asking questions to encourage her to open up and to clarify things for your.
* Try not to be sarcastic; when you do this, it insults the intelligence of your partner.
* Try to understand the feeling behind what she's saying, as well as the content.
* Show her that you truly understand her point of view, and, whether or not you agree with it, talk to her in a calm and composed manner. Remember, as soon as your tone of voice goes up, so will hers (and vice versa). If she is yelling, then bring your voice down and she will eventually do the same.

Sensitivity matters. And intimate, connected conversation reduces conflict and builds trust. Relationship coach John Boesky, M.A., MFT, believes active listening communicates how we value each other:

"Active Listening" skills play a significant role in helping people solve problems, resolve conflicts, foster deeper intimacy, and create more loving, harmonious relationships. These skills also help people to have more empathy for whomever is speaking, for they are better able to get into the other person's shoes, and listen to their perspective on things, and understand how reasonable it might be for him or her to feel and/or think the way they do. Active listening skills also enable a listener to show that while they may not agree with the other person, they value his or her own unique point of view. People feel seen and heard, understood, and cared for.

This kind of listening takes a little more work, but it's the kind of work that pays off, that matters, and that makes you feel better about yourself at the end of the day. It's also the kind of work that makes a marriage, or any relationship, stronger, better, and more fun. Try it for 2 weeks and let me know if I'm wrong!

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Paranoid At Heart?

GiggleSugar — Thu, 03 Jan 2008 09:21:50 -0800

It starts out fairly normal: she wants to read, he wants to watch television, and they're bickering over the TV volume. But this infomercial takes a turn for the creepy when she uses the advertised hearing aid device to listen in on conversations had across the street and some other dude uses it to hear what the girls are saying about him at the gym. You know what they say: ~~sex~~ insecurity sells.

Bro vs. Douchebag: Is There a Difference?

TresSugar — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Listening to Phish. Wearing popped collars. Playing ultimate Frisbee. Flaunting the number of chicks bagged.

Are these the traits of a bro or a douche? Is there a difference? While pondering this question, you might want to pop over to BroBible.com, a "brocial" networking site created by 24-year-old Doug Banker, a hesitantly self-identified "bro" who wants to redeem bro culture from being demonized as douche culture. (Sample post: "What's More Bro: Oral or Anal Sex?")

Last year when the site was still under construction, he had this to say about the distinction: "[A] bro is just someone who likes to go out and have a good time, who likes to stay connected to their group of friends while expanding their horizons. It’s not one of our goals to make the word ‘bro’ more positive. But yes, hopefully, that will happen."

So is there a difference between a bro and a douchebag? Does it matter? Do you wish those words would go away? Inquiring minds want to know!