TresSugar

You Asked: I Don't Want My Best Friends to Date

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My two best friends (guy and a girl) like each other, but I have really strong feelings against them being together. First off, my girl friend is a man eater. She dates a guy for a week and then when things get semi serious, she dumps him. If she does that to my guy friend, he will be crushed and I don't want to see him hurt. Secondly, I have a feeling that if they do start dating, I will be the third wheel and it could become awkward for me to hang out with them together, especially since she makes a habit of ditching me for her boyfriends.

I told him how I feel but he freaked out on me and told me stay out of it. I don't know how to tell her not to hurt him or how to stop anything tragic from happening. Am I overreacting? I'm just worried about what the outcome could be. - Third Wheel Wendy

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Dear Third Wheel Wendy,

It sounds to me like your hesitation is purely based on your needs. Sure, it's normal to fear being left out, but what if they have something really special here? These two people are your closest friends, so don't you want them to be happy, even if it means you're in an awkward position for a while? Regardless of your answer to those questions, I think it'd be best if you didn't get involved. Since they are close as friends, I'm sure he's well aware of her dating pattern, so if he's willing to take a chance and put his friendship and heart on the line, I don't think you should stand in their way.

Nothing has happened yet, so try to just sit back and let things fall into place as they will. If they do end up dating, the dynamic between you three will change, but that's not to say it will change for the worse. You never know what the outcome will be, so try to be patient with them, let them enjoy their blossoming relationship (if that is in fact the case), but voice your concerns if you're feeling neglected. Hopefully they'll be understanding of your position and you can all work toward developing a new kind of friendship. Good luck.

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You Asked: Everyone Else Has What I Want

DearSugar — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am 28 and was in a seven-year relationship that ended four years ago. Recently my 22-year-old brother got engaged to his live-in girlfriend. They plan on getting married next Summer and are currently trying to buy a house. All of my closest friends and co-workers are married and having kids. I'm single and definitely not where I imagined myself to be at this age. My little brother is experiencing all the things I envisioned for myself four years ago. How can I stop from feeling so envious of what my brother and friends have?

- Left Behind Bea

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Left Behind Bea,

Creating specific expectations for your life is inevitably disappointing; it's just so unlikely that everything will turn out how you planned. Waiting to find something that works right for you is much more important and satisfying than trying to compete with friends and family. Unless you want to be bogged down by these feelings of jealousy and inadequacy, it's time to make some changes to your attitude.

First of all, stop comparing yourself to your brother and your friends. You're all different people and you all have very different lives to lead - that's a good thing! Just because you're not engaged or settling down with kids doesn't mean that you won't or can't be completely content. However, spending more time concerned with what you don't have instead of all the things you have to look forward to - like falling in love or becoming an aunt - could very well make you unhappy. So chin up, and put a stop to all these expectations. Everything will come around eventually, but for now, it's time to enjoy life and yourself just as it is today.

Source

You Asked: He Planned a Vacation Without Me!

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year and half, but we have been friends for about three years. Before I moved to Chicago, we had a long-distance relationship. I frequently flew between the East Coast and the Midwest to see him, although he never visited me. During the entire time we have been dating, we discussed going on a vacation together. Numerous times we both mentioned going on a short trip to NYC and discussed planning a bigger trip to Turkey this Summer.

I just found out that my boyfriend planned a two-week vacation for this Summer with old college friends to Prague. This trip includes people he has known for a few years, as well as their female companions. Not only was I not informed of this trip, but I'm also not invited. I feel extremely hurt. Some of my friends think I am overreacting but I feel still feel wronged because of our previous plans. If I had been invited by a group of my friends to go on a trip, I know I would have extended the invitation to him. Do you think I am blowing this out of proportion or am I justified in my reaction?
- Left in the Dust Diandra

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Dear Left in the Dust Diandra,

I have to say that I'd be just as upset as you are if I was in our shoes. It would be one thing if your boyfriend was going on a guys' trip with old buddies from college, but the fact that their significant others are going, too, and you're not invited, makes me think there are much deeper problems here. Now that you're aware of the trip, have you flat-out asked him why he doesn't want to bring you? Have you met these friends before? Are there any rifts that could cause an awkward vacation for the group? Have things been rocky in your relationships lately?

Since I don't know the answers to these questions, I can only speculate as to why he's shutting you out. I would have a heart to heart with him, try to get some of your questions answered, and use this situation to touch base with regards to the bigger picture. It's very clear that he's being selfish, but instead of taking the defensive approach, let him know how he's made you feel: sad, left out, hurt, etc. At the end of the day Diandra, you're feelings are absolutely justified, but be aware that he might not budge. If that's the case, you need to determine if you want to continue dating someone who doesn't include you on such adventures, especially after a year and a half of dating. I wish you luck.

Source

You Asked: My In-Laws Hate Me

DearSugar — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I would like to be closer to my in-laws, but it's difficult since my in-laws don't seem to like me. They will give my husband a birthday check for $1,000 while my birthday gift will be $20 worth of scratch off lottery tickets. Whatever food I bring to parties, my Mother-in-Law makes a sour face when she tastes it. One time, she invited my husband and son to France and didn't invite me! I have to do something. My sister refuses to even visit her in-laws and this seems to work for her but what other options do I have?

-Tired of Being Left Out Tiffany

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Dear Tired of Being Left Out Tiffany,

Keeping your feelings inside is the worst thing you can do. Things are just going to build and build until one day you'll explode, and your in-laws won't know where it's coming from.

The best thing to do is invite them over for dinner and have a talk with them about how you feel. Make sure your husband knows about your side of the situation so he can be there to back you up. Tell them you're upset by how they treat you so coldly, and that you think of them as family and wish you were closer. Ask them why they act this way, and if there's anything you've done to make them not like you. Give your in-laws examples of their behavior or things they've said so they can better understand where you're coming from. Who knows, they may not have any idea that you're feeling this way or even be aware of how their actions are coming across so remember that things can only improve from there.

If they get defensive and aren't willing to try to become closer, than there's really nothing else you can do. Show them you are the bigger person, try to reach a common ground, and if things don't improve, I wouldn't want to spend time with them either! Good luck.

Source

Bridesmaid Drama

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 13:55:35 -0800

I got engaged over the summer and immediately asked my 4 best friends to be bridesmaids even though I am having a very small wedding and I only really wanted 3 bridesmaids because I did not want anyone to feel left out. Well, just recently one of my bridesmaids (I will call her Elaine) just got engaged and she had decided to have a HUGE wedding and she has asked 5 other girls (a couple of whom I have never heard her talk about and I know she is not close with) to be her bridesmaids. I am extremely hurt by this because she always tells me (and puts all over her myspace) that I am one of her best friends and she couldn't live without me and how much she misses me because I am in college a few hours away. Elaine, another girl, and myself have all been very good friends since high school and have done everything together. She asked our other close friend to be the maid of honor. Even her other friend who I did not know told me that we should get to know each other since we are going to be bridesmaids together because she assumed that Elaine would definitely ask me considering how good of friends that we are and have been for so long. I am so upset and hurt that Elaine left me out of her wedding party when I included her in mine. Now I have a situation where one of our groomsman cannot be at the wedding (he is in the military and will be away) so now I feel like I need to get rid of one of my bridesmaids because we will only have 3 groomsmen (my fiance does not have another friend close enough that he wants to include in our wedding party) and now I want to ask Elaine NOT to be in my wedding party anymore. On one hand, I feel like I am being petty, but on the other hand, I am very upset by Elaine's exclusion of me from her wedding party. I'm not sure what I should do because I can't just say "Why didn't you make me a bridesmaid?" because I don't want her to have to change her plans and include me if she did not want to because I do realize that her wedding should be her day. It just hurts me to think that all of our friends will be standing up there and I will just be sitting in the audience with everyone else who isn't close to her when we have been best friends since high school. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it because right now I am just so hurt and I have no idea what to do.

Berlusconi's Mistress Tells Us More Than We Need to Know

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:30:23 -0800

Italians really take their sex scandals to the next level. Today, Patrizia D'Addario, former call girl mistress to Italy's "I'm no saint" prime minister, adds a "lesbian dimension" to her tale of sex, power, and retaliation.

Patrizia has a book coming out and excerpts reveal that she has been the target of threats, robbery, and violence after going public about her affair with Silvio Berlusconi. But that's not stopping her. Describing a party held at Berlusconi's home, Patrizia shares the prime minister's preference for white silk pajamas and women who like other women. To see an excerpt, read more.

Patrizia writes:

"Other girls arrived, including a pair of lesbians, and a few other escorts. . . My first thought was that I'd found myself in a harem. He was on the couch and all of us, 20 girls in all, were at his disposition."

While the presence of lesbians probably seems relatively inconsequential, it might upset Italian citizens who were otherwise willing to dismiss heterosexual escapades. And as the Guardian reports, Berlusconi can say good-bye to a recent break from bad press: "The publication of D'Addario's book will divert public attention back to the affair after a period in which the focus had been on another sex scandal involving the former center-left governor of the region around Rome. Piero Marrazzo resigned after being filmed taking drugs and having sex with a transsexual." Mama mia.

Lack of Communication With Husband After Layoff

Tres Community — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

My husband recently got laid off from his job. He is lucky because he was given 30 days to try and find a new position within the company before he's officially let go. He has a prospective job in another area of the company, but I am not sure where everything stands. He just won't communicate with me and let me know what's going on. It's very hard for me to be in the dark about whether or not he will have a job in a couple weeks, and it feels like he has completely closed off communication regarding this job situation.

When I ask if he's heard anything, he is always very vague and claims that he doesn't have any new information, but there have been a couple times when I have seen over his shoulder that he has gotten emails from the people involved with this potential job, so there must be some sort of news. How do I explain to him that behind left in the dark about our situation is really stressing me out?

There's lots of fun stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

Douchebags Attempt to Reclaim the Word, Bro

TresSugar — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 06:00:00 -0800

If the Daily Show left you wanting more douchebags to laugh at, I present you with the Douchebag Solidarity Movement. They are douchebags, and they're taking back the word! In this video, these fine douchebag specimens explain that the Merriam Webster dictionary defines "douche" as a jet of cleansing solution directed toward a bodily cavity. So they say, "Don't think of us as disgusting; think of us as cleansing." If you can stand almost two minutes of serious douchiness, check out this introduction to the movement.

Say What? Ex-Letterman Writer Says Hostile Work Environment No Joke

TresSugar — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 09:00:00 -0700

"Was I aware that other high-level male employees were having sexual relationships with female staffers? Yes. Did these female staffers have access to information and wield power disproportionate to their job titles? Yes. Did that create a hostile work environment? Yes. Did I believe these female staffers were benefiting professionally from their personal relationships? Yes. Did that make me feel demeaned? Completely. Did I say anything at the time? Sadly, no."

- Nell Scovell, a female writer on the David Letterman show in the '80s, on why she left her "dream job" in less than four months as a writer on the show because of the sexual atmosphere there. Sexual favoritism, a subset of sexual harassment, creates a hostile work environment for women who are not having sex with higher ranking men by creating an uncomfortable sexual atmosphere in which it appears that advancement is predicated on having a sexual relationship with higher-ups. In 27 years, there have only been seven female writers on Late Night and Late Show. Scovell's dream? "I just want Dave to hire some qualified female writers and then treat them with respect. And that goes for Jay and Conan, too." As of today, there are no women out of the 50 comedy writers writing for Late Show With David Letterman, The Jay Leno Show, and The Tonight Show With Conan O’Brien.

Group Therapy: Boyfriendlessness

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 10:06:21 -0800

I'm nearing the end of university, and I haven't been in a relationship. I'm so pleased with all else I've been able to do at university - academically and otherwise. But I can't rid myself of the nagging sense that I haven't experienced this romantic rite of passage - the first relationship. I've had opportunities, but they haven't felt right. I suppose I don't have a question exactly, but any suggestions on how to cope?

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