TresSugar

A Do or a Don't: Staying in Touch With a Friend's Ex

DearSugar — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 15:00:00 -0700

While I’m always open and friendly, I try not to buddy up to my friends’ significant others - I don’t want to overstep any boundaries or get too involved in someone else’s relationship. But over time, especially if it’s a long-term and serious relationship, it’s inevitable for a kinship to blossom between yourself and a friend’s significant other - you spend time together, swap stories, and end up at the same events.

But when a friend tells you that the relationship is over, suddenly a person you came to know, surprisingly well, is just gone. Admittedly, I’ve felt losses after my friend’s breakups, but from personal experience I’ve learned it’s best to avoid staying friends with a friend’s ex - it can lead to drama and the sensation of being stuck in the middle. It’s too complicated for me, but what have your own relationships taught you? Is keeping in touch with their ex worth it even if it could affect your friendship?

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Dear Poll: Can You Just Pick Up Right Where You Left Off?

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 16:00:00 -0700

All friendships are different, but the ones that you can just pick up right where you left off are sometimes the best kind, even though they can be hard to come by. The older we get, the less time we have to stay in touch, even with those overly sensitive friends who require a little more TLC. I admit that I prefer regular touch-bases with my friends, but I have grown to appreciate the ease of having friendships with people who don't take offense if we go a week, a month, or even months on end without talking. Since these types of friendships are few and far between, tell me, are your friends the type that you can just pick up right where you left off no matter how much time has passed?

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Dear Poll: Do you Use your Work E-Mail to Engage in Less than Professional Banter?

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 16:00:00 -0700

These days, working professionals are spending more time behind their desks than with their loved ones. With that said, communicating with the opposite sex over the internet is the easiest way to date, make plans, get caught up, and even simply flirt. I think we can all agree that it makes your day fly by when you carry on some fun, playful banter with your new crush -- but what about engaging in unprofessional conversations over your work e-mail? We all know every keystroke you make on your work computer is recorded, but what I want to know is, do you still engage in less than professional conversation over company e-mail?

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Awkward! A Co-Worker Keeps Touching Me

TresSugar — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Thanks to a reader with an issue (sorry, reader!), we have an awkward scenario requiring your advice. (Have some awkward tales of your own? Join our Awkward! group to share etiquette questions and stories with other readers.)

"I have a co-worker who I like except for one extremely annoying habit of hers: when she tries to get my attention, she pats me on the head. I'm not touchy-feely to begin with, and would jump if someone tapped my shoulder, so this is really too much. Plus, it almost feels like I'm being condescended to. Don't you pat babies and puppies on the head? I want to tell her without getting too defensive that I really wish she'd stop this and just email me before she comes over, instead of patting me on the damn head! What's the best way to do this?"

The How-To Lounge: Keeping in Touch With Old Friends

DearSugar — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Often, even if we have the best of intentions, life tends to get in the way of staying in touch with the people that we care about. It’s easy to put off a phone call for one week and watch it turn into four, until finally a year’s gone by without a single word exchanged. Before you know it, you’ve inadvertently lost a friend that you really cared about and enjoyed having in your life. To check out tips on avoiding this common problem, read more.

There’s no doubt about it, keeping in touch is hard work, but it should be worth it. If making the effort doesn’t seem worth it, then perhaps the person in mind isn’t really someone you want to remain friends with, in which case don’t bother. It sounds harsh, but you'll save yourself a big serving of guilt later on.
Once you’ve made the decision to make the effort, then it’s time to start following through. Schedule your calendar once a month to remind yourself to send an email or make a phone call. Make sure to note all the important dates that pertain to that person, too - their birthday, wedding, graduation, etc.
When your reminder goes off, it’s possible you won't have enough time to devote to a full catch-up call. If that’s the case, make the call a quick one and talk to your friend about setting up a phone date sometime soon. Everyone has time for a two-minute phone call to let the person know that they’re too busy to talk right then, and although a phone date might sound silly, it's a great way to make time without rescheduling your life.
If you haven’t called in a few months or forgot to call her back the last time she called, don’t let yourself continue to avoid calling out of guilt. It'll only make things worse, and of course, the more time that passes the more difficult it will be to pick up that phone.

It truly is invaluable to have people in your life that you’ve shared memories with and who've seen you grow into yourself, so make it work even it means planning ahead!

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Hump Day: I'm Self-Conscious About Receiving Oral Sex

TresSugar — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I'm very self-conscious about my body, and that extends to receiving oral sex. I like to give blow jobs to my boyfriend, but I worry about smelling and tasting good so I rarely let him reciprocate. I wonder if I never get satisfaction when I let him go downtown (he has to practically beg!) because I can't relax enough to enjoy it. Any advice?"

To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more

First off, the vagina is self-cleaning, as long as it's healthy. I mention that because I want to make sure that it's very clear that all of the myths about the vagina being dirty have more to do with sexism and sex-negativity than anything else. That was a bit different in the past, when women's medical needs weren't really addressed and things like yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis went untreated. At the same time, if you ever suspect that your scent has changed, that can be a sign of these or other conditions and it's worth getting checked out by a medical professional.

But assuming that there isn't anything like that going on for you, you definitely have my sympathies. Worries about our bodies and how our partners perceive us is a serious mood-killer. And the irony is that our partners often either don't mind or actively admire exactly those parts of our bodies that we're worrying about!

From what you've written, it sounds like your boyfriend has no problem going down on you. After all, if he's begging for it, it's probably something that he's into. How does he describe your scent or taste? If he's just as enthusiastic about that, maybe that can help you reframe how you feel about it. As the saying goes, we each have our own tastes (sorry for the bad pun, but I couldn't resist).

Try taking a shower before having sex. If you do it together, then it becomes part of the warm-up instead of a chore. While it may not be strictly necessary, if it helps you relax, there's no reason not to. Just don't overdo it with the soap. The vulva (the exterior female sex organs) is covered with sensitive skin and some women find that washing too much can be irritating. And don't get soap inside the vagina - it can be irritating or even set off a yeast infection if you're sensitive.

It might also help if the two of you approach oral sex as a pleasure in itself, rather than worrying about whether you'll have an orgasm from it. Set the bar a little lower for a while and aim for discovering ways that it can feel good for you, even if you don't have an orgasm. Make it a science experiment and have him try different techniques so you can discover how they feel. One great way to do that is for him to do two different things, such as sucking your clitoris or making circles with his tongue for a little bit. Then you decide whether you liked A or B more. It's a fun way to explore new sensations and keep your focus on what you're feeling, rather than worrying about your scent. If he needs some ideas for things to try, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Oral Sex is a great DVD on the topic. Or check out Violet Blue's book Ultimate Guide To Cunnilingus for a fun read.

It could also be helpful if you ask your boyfriend for some positive reinforcement afterwards. After all, you're moving into an edge of your comfort zone and you deserve some hugs for that. When you're ready to move on from the oral experimentation, you'll probably feel better about it if he tells you how much he enjoyed it and that he's glad that the two of you are trying it out. If he goes too far and starts seeming pushy about it, that could backfire, so a light touch is better. But that's a really good way to make sure that you end on a positive note.

I hope that this helps. I know that it can be really hard when exploring out things that feel uncomfortable. It's a good idea to stretch enough to give it a serious try without going so far that it's too much. Take it slowly and remember - you want it to be fun!

Get Etiquette Advice in TrèsSugar's Awkward! Group

TresSugar — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 02:00:00 -0700

Does your co-worker keep touching you? Is your boyfriend always late? Does a friend never know when to leave? It happens! It's awkward. And the Awkward! group in the TrèsSugar Community is here to help you deal with life's most shuddersome situations. Get advice from fellow readers, and if your problem's bad enough - lucky you! - we'll answer it in our Awkward! feature.

Mad Men: Do One-Night Stands Make You Feel Worse?

TresSugar — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 10:05:00 -0700

Peggy! So good at your job, so bad at choosing men. Back in the first season of Mad Men, she skittishly flirts with Don, her boss, on her first day because she's told he needs to like his secretaries to keep them. That fails, and she sleeps with smarmy Pete Campbell, who just happens to be getting married that weekend.

Then last night, she has a "go-round" with - spoiler! - middle-age Duck. BuzzSugar touches on the pure ickiness of this in their 5 Maddest Moments, but I have something to add. I know she's young and negotiating the power of her sexuality, but she sleeps with almost anyone who is willing.

It felt OK when she went home with that college boy earlier this season, because she was clearly in control and having fun. She even said no to sex because he didn't have a condom. Last night, though, it didn't feel like fun anymore. The look on her face the next morning progresses from $%*! to uneasiness and, finally, regret. But who knows, because they do it again! Duck "loves mornings."

Let's hope this tryst doesn't bring any ducklings.

Photo courtesy of AMC

Sex Therapist Says: Go Ahead and Snoop on Him

TresSugar — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 12:00:00 -0700

In an ideal world, says sex therapist and relationship counselor Dr. Ian Kerner, partners in committed relationships wouldn't hide anything from each other nor be suspicious of the other's activities. But Internet infidelity is such a problem these days, he argues, that sometimes you are justified in snooping on your partner's online activity.

You might not find out that your partner's cheating on you in the real world, Dr. Kerner says, but he might be committing emotional infidelity - that is, confiding in someone of the opposite sex, flirting with her, or even sending sexual messages. Research has shown that men don't think about emotional infidelity the same way that women do (most of them think it's not as bad as sexual infidelity), but it is a drain on the relationship nevertheless. If you've ever been with someone who checked out from the relationship and was investing romantic attention elsewhere without technically cheating, you'll know what he's talking about!

So when should you take this taboo leap into treating the person you're supposedly closest to like a crime suspect? I'll tell you after the jump, but you tell me - do you think it's worth taking this step, or are suspicions sign enough that it's time to bail? To see Dr. Kerner's list of signs you might need to start snooping, read more

Does he spend too much time on the computer or other digital devices?
Is he comfortable leaving Facebook pages or emails open when he's not at the computer?
Does he keep in touch with exes or members of the opposite sex on social networking sites like Facebook? Does it make you feel uncomfortable, or do you feel like you should know more and you don't?
Does your partner give you other reasons to not trust him - like flirting with others a lot when you are out together?
Has the frequency with which you have sex decreased?
Does your gut tell you something's wrong?

A&E's Obsessed Explores Extreme Hoarding

TresSugar — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 10:35:00 -0700

Do you have a slight problem with being messy? This week's A&E’s Obsessed, in its exploration of the obsessive compulsive disorder extreme hoarding, will have you cleaning up your apartment or desk and feeling for poor Russ, who can't stop buying things and also can't bear to throw anything away. "I get attached to things," he says, "because I don't have people to care about."

As a result, Russ's apartment is packed to the gills with furniture, mattresses, antiques, and tchotchkes that literally keep him from getting past his front door. In fact, he admits he's slept in front of it before because he couldn't get past his junk. He sometimes even sleeps outside, where he says there's at least fresh air and no feeling of claustrophobia. To find about Russ and extreme hoarding, read more

Why would someone accumulate so much stuff that his home becomes uninhabitable and unfit for guests? According to Russ's cognitive behavioral therapist, a hoarder cannot distinguish the level of an object's importance with respect to other objects. Everything is important, everything imbued with sentimental value, everything may be something the hoarder will need in the future.

In Russ's case, losing his mother was the trigger for his hoarding. "When I touch or hold a keepsake," he says, "it's like being held nearby her." But we're not just talking about photos of his mother or things she owned. Russ struggles with his therapist to throw away a dime store Santa figurine because it's wearing a purple scarf - his mother's favorite color.

Lucky for Russ, he has a great therapist and the true desire to let go of these objects and their relation to his losses so that he can clear the way for a new life.