TresSugar

Sunday Confessional - I Canceled on My Blind Date

DearSugar — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

A co-worker of mine set me up on a blind date. I'm fresh out of a relationship so she was trying to do me a favor, but truth be told, she doesn't know me that well so I was a little apprehensive about the kind of guy she'd pair me with.

Once I got his name, I immediately searched for him on Facebook and lo and behold, I found him. He was an OK looking guy, but he was definitely not my type, and after reading through his profile, I knew that sitting across the dinner table from him would have just been a waste of time.

I didn't have the heart to tell my co-worker that I snooped on him and didn't like what I saw, so I called in sick to work the day of our date and gave him the same excuse. He's written me emails asking to reschedule, but I've ignored each and every one. I know I judged a book by its cover, but can I be forgiven for avoiding this guy simply based on his Facebook page?

Source

You Asked: Am I Being Too Judgmental?

DearSugar — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My sister-in-law is an escort/stripper, and she lives nearby. We see her three times a week or more, and I love her dearly. But do you think it's judgmental or prudish that I don't want my daughters to ever find out about prostitution in the family? She knows that I know what she does, but we've never openly discussed her occupation. My husband thinks it's just a matter of being young and we'll all be able to joke about it later, but she's 35! With a history of sexual abuse, I think she needs more time on a therapist's couch and less time in bed with married men. So, am I just making something out of nothing?

- Possibly Prudish Paige

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Possibly Prudish Paige,

Unfortunately, your sister-in-law's career choice is her own to make. And while it may not be the most reputable job or healthy as evidenced by her history of abuse, there's very little you or anyone else can say to make her change her mind about it. Obviously you care about her and just because you want to be supportive doesn't mean that you have to approve of her chosen profession. I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to keep it from your daughters, especially while they're young. And both your sister-in-law and your husband should be able to respect that decision.

However, if this is something that really bothers you, I think you owe it to your sister-in-law to address it with her. Perhaps a discussion with her will illuminate something for you and give you a greater ability to understand what she does. Or maybe it will only serve to make you feel more sure that you don't want your daughters finding out, but either way at least the unspoken will finally be said.

If you do sit down with her, let her know how you feel about her career and your concern for her well-being, rather than just your personal opinion on the industry. Also, explain to her why you're making the decision to not disclose it to your daughters. Again, you can't expect her to change, but if you refrain from passing judgment then she should be able to respect your feelings on the matter.

Source

The How-To Lounge: Offering Advice Others Will Take

DearSugar — Wed, 21 May 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Giving advice can be very complicated. You don’t want to lead anyone astray, and if you want to have your words taken into account, you have to tread very carefully. You need to be honest without ruffling feathers and convincing without becoming demanding. If it sounds tricky, that’s because it is. Luckily, I’ve come up with some tried and true methods for offering advice others will take. You can check it out if you read more.

Most importantly, abstain from judgment - at least openly. Don’t shake your head in disappointment or sigh in disbelief. As soon as someone feels like she's being judged, she won’t be inclined to listen to a word you have to say.
Practice thinking before speaking. Consciously deciding what you’re going to say before you say it can make the difference between good and terrible advice.
Cater your wording to the person that you’re talking to. If your friend or relative doesn’t do well with authority, then approach things from a very casual point of view. If someone is particularly sensitive on a certain issue, use a tad bit more finesse than usual.
Honesty is incredibly important, but being kind is more significant. If you’re not nice, the advisee will focus on how you don’t understand him instead of on the advice you’re actually giving.
Referring to your own experiences and mistakes can create a more open and safe place for the people you’re advising. It also tends to make them feel like they can relate to you, which, of course, will make them more inclined to listen to what you have to say.

Remember: if he or she doesn't take your advice, it's nothing personal so don’t get frustrated. Plus, sometimes people are listening more than they let on!

Source

Sunday Confessional: I Interfered in a Friend's Love Life

DearSugar — Sun, 11 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A few months ago a very good friend of mine came to a party with me, which was being thrown by my boyfriend's friend. The host completely fell for my friend, and they have since started dating. I love her to death, but she has some real issues when it comes to men. To put it lightly, she's an awful girlfriend. She tends to attract men like crazy, dates them until they're completely enamored with her, and then proceeds to emotionally abuse them until finally she just stops calling. I have a lot of issues with this behavior and have expressed them to her many times to no avail.

As soon as I could see things heating up between them, I decided that I had to say something to him - I really like him, and I know he's a sensitive guy. While I didn't go into my friend's relationship history, I did tell him that she had a tendency to treat men poorly and I advised him to stay away from her.

Apparently, he decided to share my warning with my friend because a few days later, she showed up at my house in a complete rage. Now she's not speaking to me, and my boyfriend is mad at me for creating tension between him and his friend. I’m suffering serious anxiety over the situation. I truly wasn’t trying to be hurtful and I just don’t think what I did was that awful. I feel like they’re overreacting, but maybe I’m just being too naive. Should they forgive me for interfering?

Source

You Asked: My Husband Wants to Have a Threesome

DearSugar — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been together for two years. We recently had a son who is 5 months old, and we just got married September 20, 2007. He has been talking about having a threesome for almost a year now, with another woman. It's one of his fantasies and the subject only comes up during sex, which we haven't had much of since our son was born.

I don't really have any interest in women, and I couldn't imagine another woman having sex with my husband. I do want to fulfill my hubby's fantasy, but I don't want to be hurt at all from it.

Since I'm not into the whole threesome idea, just to please him, last night (while we were having sex) I asked him if he would like to have sex with another woman when I'm not around, kind of like a girlfriend, and he told me he would love it. I asked him if he knew of anyone in particular and he told me there is a new girl in his office that he thinks is attractive. I told him he could try her. He asked me if I would be mad if he gave her his cell phone number and I told him no. I told him I was willing to do anything that makes him happy.

Today I am torn about the conversation we had last night. I don't even want to go home after work; I just want to cry. He has never lied or cheated on me, and he respects me, pays all our bills, and is the best husband in the world. What did I do?

-Torn and Upset Tina

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Torn and Upset Tina,

Since you are a new mom, I bet you're probably too exhausted to even think about having sex. Part of me is worried that you are only agreeing to let your hubby be with another woman because you feel guilty that you aren't satisfying him sexually. Your husband should be understanding and patient until your body and mind are ready to have sex again. Aside from being a new mom, it sounds like your man is into experimenting sexually, which is awesome, but he needs to respect your position as well. Since you're not really into inviting other people into your bedroom (which I completely understand), it's great that you are willing to suggest other options.

Even though you originally suggested that he have sex with another woman, it sounds like you changed your mind, which you are totally allowed to do. If you go against your judgment, not only do I foresee this ruining your relationship and sex life, but he's also putting your health at risk (hello STIs!). You should talk about this some more (I suggest when you are not having sex) so you can lay out all your feelings and concerns on the table. Things are bound to change if he has sex with another woman, even if he promises they won't.

There's got to be other ways you two can get creative under the sheets without there being another woman involved. Get yourself some sex toys, books, videos, or get a babysitter for the weekend so you two can take a romantic weekend somewhere alone. We all want to make our significant others happy, but there's something wrong if it makes you unhappy. Good luck to you, Tina.

Source

WTF?!

GiggleSugar — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 14:00:00 -0800

So this is a headline of the day and a WTF?! all rolled up in one confusing post just for you. A study was conducted whose conclusion was that clean people are less judgmental than dirty/unwashed people. How did these researchers come up with their conclusion? They had two controlled groups - one clean, one dirty - and had them make judgments on a series of moral dilemmas. They found that the more unwashed the person, the harsher their judgment. What I'd like researched is how the researchers came up with these moral dilemmas. I think you know which one I'm taking issue with . . . (Click here if you're intrigued and want to know more.)

Joseph Wilson: Obama Has Not Proven Better Judgment

LibertySugar — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 15:00:19 -0800

Joseph Wilson, who personifies the dissent surrounding the build up to the Iraq war, profoundly resents Barack Obama's distortion of George Bush's folly into Hillary Clinton's responsibility.

On the Huffington Post, the husband of ex-CIA agent Valerie Plame and former ambassador, systematically deflates Obama's argument that he possesses superior judgment, evidenced by Obama's 2002 speech against the war. For some of the arguments made by Wilson, read more.

Wilson contends that:

Obama was not privy to briefings by Secretary of State Colin Powell, in support of authorization as a diplomatic tool.

Obama's 2002 speech was nothing more than pander during a re-election campaign for an Illinois senate seat in the most liberal district in the state. No other position would have been viable.

Bush lied to Congress about his intention, and cooked up intelligence.

Obama is a political opportunist looking to avoid having his fingerprints on any controversial issue that might require real judgment, while preserving his freedom to attack his adversary for actually taking positions.

To find out what Joe Wilson makes of Obama's judgments in foreign affairs as a US senator, read the piece.

Are you convinced by Wilson that Obama's 2002 speech is not enough to demonstrate superior judgment? Or - do we want leaders that are informed and intuitive enough to spot cooked intelligence?

Source

Group Therapy: My Friend's Judgment Really Hurt Me

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 10:00:00 -0800

My three best friends and I are really close. They are all either married or engaged, so I am the odd girl out, trying to keep afloat in the complicated world of dating. Yesterday I had dinner with one of the girls and I told her about a recent date I went on. I mentioned that I had slept with the guy, and she immediately got this disgusted look on her face, rolled her eyes and said, "Another one?" I looked at her, stunned, and she went on to say, "You've slept with so many guys. What's your number now?" I was shocked that she was being so blunt, but I responded with my number, which is 13.

I am 27 years old, I always practice safe sex, and I've have never had a one-night stand. Her criticism really hurt me and I feel that her judgments were unfair, especially since she's been with her husband for the past 10 years - of course her number is not that high! So my question is, is 13 really that high of a number for someone my age?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

Source

Man Fined For Taking "Unchivalrous" Photo: Snap Judgment?

CitizenSugar — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 15:45:53 -0700

Ever been tagged in an embarrassing Facebook pic? In the UK you might just have a legal leg to stand on to stop those pictures from ever being taken. One 28-year-old mailman was just fined $200 for snapping what the judge deemed an "unchivalrous" photo of a woman. . . . decorating the gutter outside of a bar. The woman's friends called the police after the man took the picture and he was charged with breach of the peace.

The judge says of the fine levied, "I'm going to impose a fine to remind him chivalry is not dead and when somebody is in distress you leave them to it." His lawyer says he regrets the "error of judgment." Of snapping the puking pic his lawyer says, "It was ill-judged, it was a spontaneous act and entirely inappropriate. He accepts it was conduct liable to cause upset and did in fact cause upset. It's been a matter of severe regret for him. He's extremely anxious and very contrite about the affair."

Source

True Confession - Am I Just Being Judgmental?

DearSugar — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I know how much you all love our Sunday Confessional, so my friend at True Confessions is joining forces with me to bring you a midweek confessional! Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or don't forgive the confessional below.

"I cant stand my fiancé's family. They are mean to me and I don't like the way I feel or act around them. I worry that he will cheat on me because his dad cheated on his mom for 10 years of their marriage. I love him so much, but I don't know if I can go through with it. Can I be forgiven for passing this kind of judgment when my financé has given me no reason to distrust him?"

Source