TresSugar

Ask an Intern: I'm Jealous of My Boyfriend's Female Friend!

TresSugar — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 08:00:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, our fabulous new intern dispenses advice to a woman who is beginning to wonder if her boyfriend's female friend is "just a friend." If you have a question, you can submit them here.

This week's question:

I've been dating this wonderful guy for two years now. Lately, though, I've gotten really insecure about myself and the relationship.

During the last six months, there's been a girl that he has started hanging out with more frequently. They go to school together and often have breakfast or go to sporting events. (I see him about twice a week.) I feel like I should relax and let him have his female friends, but I can't get over the fact that they might not just be friends. (He told me once he didn't think men and women could be platonic friends.) I get this awful sick feeling every time he mentions her name, I don't know if its jealousy or insecurity, but I just feel bad!

I tried talking to him about it a few months ago, and all he said was that I'm the one for him and he can't help it if his friends are hot. (That didn't help me feel much better!) I know we are in an adult relationship and he is allowed to choose his friends, so how can I change the way I think and feel so that I'm OK with it? Help!

Insecure and Hating It. To hear what an intern has to say about this, read more

Dear Insecure and Hating It,

I often shy away from confronting people with my insecurities and worries, but I have come to realize that if I am having a dilemma then it’s best to just talk about it. Have you asked your boyfriend if he is romantically interested in this other woman? If not, then you should. It’s a legitimate question and don’t be afraid to ask him what their relationship is and how he feels about her. It’s good to talk about things and get them in the open.

If you’re not ready to talk, maybe ask him if you can join them on their outings and then use the power of observation to see what their relationship is like. But remember, it’s good to be direct. I’m personally tired of playing games and while the natural inclination may be to find yourself a new cute guy friend to stir jealousy, I doubt that will work. Good luck!

Do Tell: Have You Ever Been Jealous of a Friend's Engagement?

DearSugar — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 09:00:00 -0700

When you've hit that point in your relationship where it's just a matter of time before he asks you to marry him, the wait can feel like an eternity. So when a friend gets engaged before you, it can make you green with envy, not to mention even more restless. While the engagement race may seem foolish to some, it does exist, so tell me, have you ever been secretly jealous or disappointed that a friend got engaged before you?

Source

You Asked: Are My Feelings Justified?

DearSugar — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I went to a party on a Saturday night. We had a great time and as the night progressed, the drinks started to flow. A dance party erupted in the living room and as I was talking with some girlfriends off to the side, I saw my boyfriend dancing rather inappropriately with a girl I had never met before. I was pretty taken a back and honestly, I'm still really upset about it. My friends seem to think it was no big deal, especially since I was at the party with him, but I can't help but worry about his behavior when I'm not around. I don't want to cause an unnecessary fight, but I'm really hurt. Am I overreacting? - Perturbed Penelope

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Perturbed Penelope,

If you're upset with your boyfriend's actions at the party, you should most definitely talk to him about it. Your friends are entitled to their opinion, but this is your relationship, not theirs, and if your feelings are hurt, you're not overreacting.

You mentioned that you're concerned with the way your boyfriend behaves when you're not around so I have to ask if he's acted inappropriately before. Regardless, what matters most here is that you're secure in your relationship, and it doesn't sound like you are. In an effort to avoid an argument, approach your boyfriend in a very nonthreatening manor. Let him know that his actions hurt your feelings, and if he doesn't understand where you're coming from, simply ask him how he'd feel if you were dancing the same way with a man he's never met before - I have a feeling he'll get it once you reverse the situation! Hopefully, a good heart to heart will smooth things over - good luck.

Source

You Asked: Is This Relationship Worth Salvaging?

DearSugar — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've known my "best friend" for about eight years. We used to get along great, but lately she's been increasingly rude to me and I don't know how to react. She gradually began making undermining comments about me in front of other people, regarding both my intelligence and my body type, but when we hang out, just the two of us, she's the same old fun person that I befriended all those years ago.

A few months ago my boyfriend and I went to visit her. We now live on opposite sides of the country and I figured that some space would make her realize the value of our friendship. Unfortunately, that didn't happen and she in fact acted even more horrible towards me. She would prance around in her bra and underwear (claiming it was too hot in the house to wear clothes), and while shopping for swimsuits, she commented on my small chest, saying "No offense, but you aren't that curvy," while my boyfriend was right next to me! Stranger still, she had her own boyfriend with her the entire time, too.

I'm fed up with her lack of respect for me so I haven't initiated any contact with her. She calls and emails occasionally, but she's become my last priority. She was once my closest friend, so is this relationship worth saving? Should I be the bigger person and forgive and forget? - Upset by Her Helen

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Upset by Her Helen,

I don't blame you for being upset with your friend's actions but why haven't you asked her what's wrong? Could she be going through a difficult time that you're unaware of? Could she be jealous that you've moved far away and started a life without her? Could this just be a phase?

It obviously never feels good to be undercut by anyone, let alone your bff, so I advise you to stand your ground the next time she behaves like this - since you've never pushed back on her, she might not know that what she's doing is upsetting you. Her constant need to talk negatively about your body makes me think she's either insecure or jealous so when broaching the subject, don't attack her as she'll most likely get defensive. Her antics only serve to boost her ego while bruising yours so I advise you to get everything out on the table before your relationship suffers any more than it already has.

When it comes to good, old friends, I always think it's worth it to make amends. Though your friendship might not be the same for a while, or ever again for that matter, at least you can know that you did your part to work it out. Hopefully this is just a phase, but if nothing changes, perhaps your friendship has run its course in which case you might just be better off living your own lives and going your separate ways.

Source

Dear Poll: Do You Mind If He Checks Out Other Women When You're in a Relationship?

DearSugar — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 16:00:00 -0700

When you're in a relationship, it's assumed that you only have eyes for each other, but come on ladies, that's just not reality! Of course, we're going to look twice at a hot guy walking down the street, the same way men check out beautiful women - it's just human nature, right? Sure, an excessive wandering eye is a bit much, but ladies, let me ask you this. Do you get upset if your significant other does a double take when he notices a good-looking woman walking down the street? Do you tend to take it personally or do you accept that it's just a guy thing?

Source

Group Therapy: How Do I Deal With His Arrogant and Cocky Bragging?

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I have been dating an amazing guy for the last 10 months, however just recently, I've started to realize just how cocky he is. Sure he is a successful and incredibly attractive guy, (at least to me) but is it really necessary to brag about everything? He's constantly letting me know just how many girls stare at him at the bar and he's always going on and on about how great of an athlete he is. Just today he was comparing his ex girlfriends to my ex boyfriends - bragging about how he's dated models. I'm not jealous at all but I can't tell if he's trying to make himself look good in front of me or if he's trying to prove that he's better than me all together. It's like he's in constant competition with everyone around him. I love him to death but this constant bragging has got to stop. It's ruining this relationship for me and really changing my views about him. Has anyone ever been in this kind of situation or have any good advice?

Sunday Confessional: I Hurt My Sister Out of Jealousy

DearSugar — Sun, 23 Mar 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for just under three years now. It's been a difficult process to say the very least. The worst of it came about nine months ago when I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I was so happy to be pregnant that the miscarriage was absolutely devastating. For weeks afterwards I was depressed and felt hopeless.

During this time, my sister, who is a couple of years younger than me, broke the news that she was pregnant. The father of the baby had basically told her that he wanted nothing to do with the baby. She told me in a very gentle and respectful way, and initially, I tried not to get upset, but when she started to tell me how she was scared about having a baby and being a mother, I completely lost it. I turned on her, called her horrible names, said she would make a bad mother, and basically went out of my way to hurt her. She left my house in tears.

Even though I knew I was being stubborn, I didn't make any efforts to apologize to her. Although it devastated my parents, I refused to speak to my sister or have anything to do with her unborn child. It took months of personal healing to realize that her pregnancy wasn't any kind of personal attack on me. I realized how selfish I had been and unkind. About a week ago, I tried to reach out to her and apologize - she's in her eighth month now - and she basically slammed the door in my face. Now, I don't know what to do. Should I be forgiven for my terrible behavior?

Source

Dear Poll: Do You Like a Little Jealousy?

DearSugar — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 13:00:00 -0800

At dinner the other night, a single male friend asked me if I thought girls liked their men to be a little jealous, and I didn't know what to tell him. Obviously no one wants a boyfriend who's controlling and paranoid, but there are girls who complain that their boyfriends aren't jealous enough. We don't want to be taken for granted, but it seems like a little jealousy can easily turn into too much jealousy. Obviously I'm completely torn on this one, so I need your opinion. Is a little jealousy a good thing?

Source

Group Therapy: How Can I Make My Boyfriend Jealous?

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 14:00:00 -0800

Let me start off by saying that my boyfriend and I love each other very much. My issue is that I think he takes me for granted a bit too much. I'm always willing to do everything he wants to do and am always available to him. Don't think I'm a sucker, it's just that I'm really easy going. This has lead me to feel a bit unwanted. I want him to think that I'm not a sure thing (even though I am), and basically make him show more interest in me, like how it was when we first started dating. Any ideas on how I can get him to do this? Do I need to make him jealous in order to see how good he has it?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Source

Group Therapy: An innocent lunch date.

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 03:00:00 -0700

I've just come back from lunch - with another man. I have a boyfriend in another town and this other man knows about him as well. For some reason I am feeling a bit guilty. I should probably tell my boyfriend but I feel that my whole life doesn't always have to revolve around him and that I am entitled to have friends of the opposite sex. I can assure you that it was just a platonic date. All done at the spur of the moment because he was have a horrible day so he asked me out for a bite.

I can't help but feel guilty about it. We even spoke about mye bf and he didnt' seem jealous at all. So strange. Funny enough, I have no inch of attraction to the other man, not a single tiny inch. I still feel guilty which is so silly, right?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]