TresSugar

Where Do You Stand: Being Naked in a New Relationship

DearSugar — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

As annoying as dating can be, you can't deny that it's also equally exciting. Nothing beats the anticipation of having your first kiss, and of course, moving on to other fun pleasures in the bedroom. Sharing your body with someone else is a very special experience, so I'm wondering, how do you feel about getting naked when you're in a new relationship?

Are you shy at first, but then quickly warm up? Or are you the kind of person who is completely comfortable in her skin and can bare it all with no qualms? Maybe you're a little hesitant and you wait for the other person to get naked first, or does being naked make you utterly uncomfortable no matter who you're with? Share your feelings in the comment section below.

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Handle This: He's More Interested in Porn

DearSugar — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

In the past few months your sex life has all but dried up. You’re always trying to initiate things, and you’ve even gone so far as to buy sexy new lingerie, but nothing seems to get your boyfriend interested. When you ask him about it, he says he’s sleep deprived and stressed out.

One night you wake up and realize he’s no longer in bed. Following sounds coming from the living room, you peek in to find him masturbating to porn on his computer, when you haven't had sex in a month! How would you handle this?

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Where Do You Stand: Scheduled Sex Dates

DearSugar — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:00:00 -0700

We're all busy people. Many of us work or go to school full time. We take care of our dogs, our homes, or our children. We spend time at the gym, with our friends and family, and we run around doing errands on the weekends. The stress and busyness of everyday life can unfortunately take away time spent with our significant others, forcing couples to pencil each other in for special dates and intimacy.

Sometimes having a scheduled sex date is exciting, knowing all day that you have a hot date planned after work, then other times it can feel forced. So ladies, where do you stand on scheduled sex dates? Do you think it's important to set aside times for this kind of intimacy if you're too busy for it to come naturally? Or is sex better when it's spontaneous and unplanned?

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Slow Sex Movement Guru: What Do Men Want?

TresSugar — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 14:00:00 -0700

"The men who come to OneTaste are men who are so sick of having to pretend like they know what they’re doing."

This is the third in a four-part series of interviews I had with Nicole Daedone, who is emerging as the leader of the slow-sex movement and who founded the OneTaste urban retreat center in San Francisco. OneTaste invites men and women to learn about mindful sexuality by participating in workshops, yoga, and (for residents only) controversial "OMing" sessions in which men stroke women to orgasm during daily morning sessions. To read the third part of the interview with Nicole, read more.

TrèsSugar: Why do you think men come to OneTaste? Is it different from why women do?
Nicole Daedone: Everyone is coming to plug into the same thing. But there is a gender differentiation. My experience with most men is that they can sense that the kind of power that they have in our culture is a precarious thing. Because it’s not real, it’s not based on truth. It’s crumbling, right? We’re watching that everywhere, so most of the guys that I see who come in don’t really want to hold the power of sexuality. They don’t want to be the sole holders of this thing.

How we have sexuality set up at this point is a subject-object relationship and so it’s just inaccurate. Guys are thinking, “But I have power” and women are thinking, “But I’m the victim." We know that's not true; we want to find that right true relationship. The men who come to OneTaste are men who are so sick of having to pretend like they know what they’re doing.

TS: Regarding the OMing sessions, how does it help men to unload their sense of having to hold the power, as you put it, when they're touching women and bringing them to orgasm? I'm sure this is very misunderstood!
ND: The primary reason that it’s misunderstood is what I was talking about with the subject-object issue. If you look at it like something is operating on something, like “he is doing something to her,” you miss the point of what’s actually happening. It’s this amazing feedback loop, a kind of surrendering into a field of sexuality. Both people are plugging into something together and playing different roles in it.

TS: In tantric sex, there's an emphasis on eye contact. But in the article about OneTaste in the New York Times, the writer says there's a no eye contact rule. I think that could be misconstrued as something really anonymous and weird.
ND: There's actually no rule that you have to make eye contact. I’m saying, “Look, you don’t have to look into each other’s eyes.” I know that as a woman, I’ve done a lot more eye gazing than I was actually comfortable with and then what I’m doing is that I’m looking at him and wondering if I really look attractive. Then all of a sudden I’m contorting my face to make sure it looks attractive and then I’m no longer focusing on the sensation of no longer focusing on the attraction.

TS: There’s this idea that intimacy might only happen if you’re gazing into somebody’s eyes.
ND: I’ll have this experience with my boyfriend where my back will be to the door and I’ll feel him come into the room. That is such a subtle level of intimacy that we very often miss because we so rely on our visual sense. More what I’m saying is let’s take these things that we overly rely on and sometimes just be willing to not rely on those but not exclude them. I’m not interested in excluding anything, I’m interested in including more.

TS: For some women, male sexuality just feels toxic. I don't think it's inherently so, but perhaps becomes that way.
ND: I think that the reason it becomes toxic is because it doesn’t have counterbalance. I think that we have male sexuality that has grown up like this, and female sexuality that has grown up like this, and so I think it just gets out of balance and wonky.

One of the feminist things we can do today is say, “Hey, wait a minute. I’m responsible for this, I’m not being victimized by this sex that’s coming at me." I deal with these guys trying to find the tiniest spot on a woman’s body after however many years of having a woman not talk to them about their sexuality except to say, “No” or “I don’t like that,” or like “Ewww.” So these guys have as many issues as the women!

Ask a Feminist: My BF's Texting My Friend – Should I Worry?

TresSugar — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 11:15:00 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. A Feminist, who answered a previous Conventional Wisdom column, is back to answer yet another "Am I paranoid or is he cheating on me?" question. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I recently found out my boyfriend has been texting my friend behind my back. He says there's nothing going on and that she has a boyfriend. He doesn't live with me as he works away, but he texts and calls her more than he does me. When I confronted him, he just said she was giving him relationship advice but I don't know what to believe. He also lied about being at work one day and apparently stayed with one of his friends instead of being with our daughter and me. I don't know what to do. I'm so paranoid lately.

Signed, Worried.

To find out what a feminist has to say to Worried, read more

Hi Worried,

I'm sure you know the saying, "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you." I say this not to make light of your situation, but to remind you that both your extreme suspicion and your boyfriend's inappropriate behavior could be going on simultaneously.

To begin with - I need more information about your situation. You have a child with this boyfriend. Was this a planned pregnancy? Are you both together for the sake of your child or do you truly want to be together? How old are you? Do you plan to get married? I ask this to get a sense of what your bond with your boyfriend is right now, as well as to see if ambivalence might be fueling his lies and strange lack of boundaries. From the way you describe his behavior and your lack of trust, I almost don't need answers to these other questions.

It goes without saying that without trust in a relationship, there's nothing. If you both have promised to be exclusive with one another, and your boyfriend begins to erode your trust in other areas, it makes sense you would begin to wonder if he's strayed from his fidelity or plans to.

Although I can't speculate on his fidelity to you, I can say your boyfriend, the father of your child, seems to lack a sense of propriety, or a sense of what appropriate behavior is. To text and call your female friend without your knowledge to talk about relationship issues is sketchy in the extreme. Whether he's counseling her or getting advice (what the heck could he be asking her or saying about you?!), seeking emotional intimacy with your friend is just weird. Is he trying to get "close" to her in other ways? I assume your friend told you he was doing this and with what frequency, given that you say he's calling and texting her more than he does you.

This is a problem, Worried. I would confront him. Make sure he understands why this feels like an emotional betrayal, tell him that you want him to talk to you about your relationship, and that he needs to stop texting and confiding in your friend. If you can, maybe you both can see a counselor together. The bottom line is, use common sense in deciding whether or not you can trust him going forward. I really believe we women should trust our guts about infidelity or its potential - we're almost never wrong.

Good luck!

Conventional Wisdom: Ask a Film Professor

TresSugar — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 06:00:00 -0700

I am in a heterosexual marriage and have a reasonably satisfying sexual relationship with my husband. Every now and again, though, we butt heads on the same issue. He is horny and I'm on my period; he wants me to "help" him out. I'm exhausted and would rather roll over and go to sleep. I resent his question, but more than that, I resent that when I do refuse "helping" him out - he gets upset.

We end up arguing for at least 15 minutes, I don't get to sleep, and he doesn't get off. Neither of us wins. If I say "yes" just so I can get back to sleep, I secretly resent him. He says that if I asked for a back rub, he'd give me one. (If I could rub my own back, I wouldn't ask for one.)

He doesn't feel comfortable getting himself off, because he believes it is bad for a marriage. I, on the other hand, do not have a problem with it and feel it is unfair to pressure me. You see now where we're stuck. I feel he is being selfish; he feels I am the one only thinking of myself and my precious sleep. Help!

- Please or No Please?

To read a film professor's answer, read more

Hi Please or No Please,

I definitely see your dilemma. On the one hand (no pun intended), when you are not in the mood you are not in the mood (and that includes “helping out”). That needs to be respected by your partner and not subjected to extensive discussion if you generally have a healthy sexual relationship. On the other hand, it sounds like for him it is really hard (OK, now the pun is intended) to just relax when he is turned on and either forego sex that night or give himself a hand.

No wonder men are not super comfortable masturbating, especially when their partners are aware of it, if you take into account the myriad humiliating masturbation scenes from films that these guys have to watch (think There’s Something About Mary, American Pie, or even Fast Times at Ridgemont High).

It seems to me that a lot of the problems in relationships are as much, if not more, about the way people communicate about that problem as they are about the original problem. As the famous media theorist Marshall Mcluhan once said, “The medium is the message,” which is a fancy way of saying in this context that the conversation about this trouble spot is as much the problem as the issue of what to do when you’re not in the mood.

I would suggest that the best starting point would be to try talking about the problem somewhat differently, and not in the moment when it comes up in the bedroom (my god, I can’t stop with the double entendres!). Maybe you could ask him why he thinks masturbation is bad for marriage. Or ask him to suggest some different ways you could incorporate masturbation into your sex life in a way that doesn’t feel so irritating to you.

Above all, try to have a bit of fun experimenting with the situation. When conversations about sex make sex seem unsexy, use communication about the issue as a way to increase, not decrease, your intimacy.

Hope this helps! Signed,

A Film Professor

Click here to find out more about Conventional Wisdom and here to submit a question.

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Toxic Bachelors: Who Is the Worst Kind?

TresSugar — Wed, 06 May 2009 07:00:00 -0700

A Toxic Bachelor is a guy who won't commit to a woman or pretends to be something he's not.

The Player loves chasing women down and trying to win them with douchebag techniques he's learned from advice books like The Game. His goal? To make a woman fall for him, so he can move on to his next victim. The Smart Guy may woo you with his literary references, but he'll put you down in no time.

Yeah, they're damaged and have self-esteem and intimacy issues, but before we psychoanalyze them - we have to spot them and get the hell away. They come in all, even unexpected, guises. Below is but a preliminary list of Toxic Bachelors: Who is the worst kind?

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Sex Surrogates?

DearSugar — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 15:00:00 -0700

I've heard of a surrogate mother before but a sex surrogate? Now that's something new. Therapists prescribe sex surrogates to clients seeking help for sex and intimacy issues. Sex therapy can help rape victims, people with severe depression or social anxiety, or those with sex fetishes. Sessions often don't involve intercourse, but rather include other ways of being intimate such as talking, holding hands, or massage in an effort to figure out how to solve the person's issues. For many clients, this type of hands-on therapy is the only kind that works.

Sex surrogacy was huge in the '70s, but understandably got a bad reputation because it was, and still is, regarded as prostitution or adultery. Sex surrogates know how beneficial this type of therapy is though, and they're campaigning for its return - they want it to be seen as a professional and respected healing therapy.

What's your opinion about sex surrogates? Are they just glorified prostitutes, or do you think there's validity to this type of sex therapy?

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5 Sex Lessons From the Animal Kingdom

DearSugar — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 15:00:00 -0800

A recent study shows that deer mice are monogamous and have "superior stress tolerance and blood sugar regulation." That would make us think that for humans, a monogamous relationship would prove to offer health benefits, but what else can we learn from the animal kingdom? Here are the first five of 10 sex lessons from a recent MSNBC article and my interpretation of each one. I'll warn you, some of these are a little out there, but enjoy!

Do not turn sex into warfare: If you nag your guy and pressure him into having intimacy, it'll drive him away and you both could end up unhappy.
Avoid weaponizing your penis: If a guy pierces his business or does anything else that may make sex painful to a woman, she won't want to engage in the act with him.

To see the other lessons read more.

Try woman on top: Guys like to be on top so they can be in control of the speed and depth of intercourse. If the woman is on top though, there's a better chance sex will last longer, so she's more likely to have an orgasm. If she has an orgasm, the guy will end up feeling very proud and confident that he can please his lady. This in turn will translate to having sex more often. Win-win.
For a great afterglow, choose an orgy: I don't know about this one. Rats have been known to mate in groups and switch partners in the middle of copulation. While free love sounds fun, given today's rates of STIs, this just doesn't seem safe.
Gifts don’t always work: If you're having issues in the intimacy department, a dozen roses from the guy won't necessarily solve a sexual conflict.

To see the next five lessons, check out MSNBC's article by clicking here.

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Called Me By His Ex's Name - Twice!

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of seven months, who has been amazing, romantic, and thoughtful so far, referred to me by his ex's name on two occasions in front of others. It hurt me very much and it continues to hurt. The first time was around Thanksgiving, the exact time of year they had broken up. The second time was a couple of weeks later, at a Christmas party. He says it means nothing and it was just a slip of the tongue.

They had dated for two and a half years, and he has never wanted to talk about her or why they broke up, but after the second time he called me by her name, I insisted that he tell me about her. He said their breakup really hurt him, but they had intimacy issues and ended up being more friends than lovers. He wanted to work on their relationship but she did not so it ended.

He has told me that he is 100 percent committed to me and me only. He treats me extremely well and makes me very happy. He always tells me how much he loves me, has asked me to move in with him, and tells me how much happier he is with me than he was with her. I have met his family and friends and we get along really well. So was this really just a slip of the tongue? If so, what do I do to get over it? Could he still have feelings for her? I don't want to be naive and I don't want to be blindsided. Any advice would be a great help. - He Made a Mistake Mindy

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear He Made a Mistake Mindy,

From what you're telling me, it sounds as though everything in your relationship is going great except for these two slips of the tongue. While I don't doubt that those mistakes hurt you, you have to remember that people mess up every now and again, even at the cost of someone else's feelings. It's pretty clear that he adores you from the fact that he's constantly reassuring you, but at the end of the day, it's up to you if you're willing to forgive him.

Time will lessen the blow of his mistakes, and keeping the lines of communication open about your feelings will help too. What he did was wrong, but I can honestly say that I don't think it came from a malicious place so if you think you can let it go, I think it'll be worth your while. With that said, if he makes a habit of calling you the wrong name, I'd say that it's a pretty clear indication that he's simply not over his ex. I hope it all works out for you; good luck.

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