TresSugar

Mother-in-Law Can't Take a Joke, Sues Comedian

TresSugar — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:30:00 -0700

Well, a comedian who just happens to be her daughter-in-law!

It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, but comedian Sunda Croonquist’s mother-in-law Ruth Zafrin was not kidding when she filed a lawsuit against Sunda for telling so many jokes about her. Croonquist capitalizes on their ethnic differences in her envelope-pushing jokes - she is half-black and half-Swedish, was raised Catholic, and married into a Jewish family.

A typical joke goes something like this. On a first visit to her mother-in-law Ruthie’s house, Croonquist says, "I walk in, I say, 'Thank you so much for having me here, Ruthie.' 'The pleasure’s all mine,' she replies, 'have a seat.' Then she whispers, 'Harriet, put my pocketbook away.'"

Zafrin filed the lawsuit (along with her daughter and her daughter's husband), when material on Croonquist's website made it easy for people to figure out the in-laws' identities. Croonquist is accused of "spreading false, defamatory and racist lies" in comedy club routines that have even been aired on Comedy Central. Croonquist agreed to remove any offensive comments on her website but refused to pay a settlement. (Her husband's law firm is handling her case. Awkward!)

Zafrin isn't exactly giving mother-in-laws a good name. It seems that there would've been a less alienating way of handling this, like, say, asking Croonquist to cut it out! Who do you think is in the wrong?

Do You Dislike Your Partner's Mom?

TresSugar — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 15:00:18 -0700

In a new book, relationship expert Dr. Terri Apter says that women are programmed to not like their mother-in-laws. She says, "Both mother and wife are struggling to achieve the same position in the family - primary woman."

The whole concept of women fighting each other for the man's attention is a little tired. How come we never hear about husbands hating their father-in-laws? I think a good relationship with your significant other's parents, mother included, is completely possible, but I guess the potential to butt heads is always there, too. Have you ever had a problem with your partner's mom? Feel free to share horror (or happy) stories in the comments!

Group Therapy: Am I Being a Big Baby?

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My brothers both married in the past three years, and by coincidence, their wives share the same birthday. Mine happens to be seven days later. My immediate and extended family has already fallen into the habit of celebrating all three of our birthdays together, and I don't like it. I would much rather have a nice dinner with my family on my actual birthday, as opposed to a hectic barbecue with a bunch of people I may not even consider close to me (like my sister-in-law's family, for example). Would I be totally out of line to request my own birthday celebration this year?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: I Don't Want His Dad Speaking at Our Wedding

DearSugar — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My fiancé and I are getting married in August, but we're having some issues in regards to toasts and speeches at the reception. Currently, my fiancé's father is planning on speaking. Neither my fiancé or I ever asked him to do so, he's just decided it's what he wants since he's paying for a majority of the wedding.

To make matters worse, we never would have asked him because he's terribly awkward and is known to tell inappropriate family stories. He's long winded, too! I'm terrified that he's going to go on for an hour and completely humiliate us. My fiancé would prefer we just take our chances, rather than tell his dad "no," but I just can't bear the idea of him talking. How can we compromise on this?

- No Speech Please Paula

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear No Speech Please Paula,

This is a very difficult situation, and I don't blame you for being worried. I've seen many weddings where a painfully long or uncomfortably told speech put a damper on the dinner. As far as tradition and etiquette are concerned, if the father of the groom is contributing in the wedding then he is usually expected to offer a thank you to the guests and some words of encouragement to the bride and groom. Instead of asking him not to speak, which will surely be offensive, I think it might be better to come up with some other solutions.

Discuss some of the anecdotal stories he can use that are funny but not embarrassing, and ask to hear his speech beforehand. If he wants it to be a surprise, tell him that the wedding planner needs a copy of it in order to set aside the proper amount of time at the reception. You can also have your fiancé's mother join him in the toast. If they give it together she'll be able to watch for time and steer him in the right direction should he stray from his speech.

As for the worst-case scenario, ask the best man or another trusted family member to jump in if things get too uncomfortable. Even if he is completely awkward, do keep in mind that as long as his heart is in the right place everything will turn out fine. You'd be surprised how easily an embarrassing story can become an endearing one when it's told at wedding.

To see all of our wedding coverage, check out IDoSugar.com.

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You Asked: I Can't Stand My Future Sister-in-Law

DearSugar — Thu, 15 May 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My fiancé and I are getting married later this Summer, but my negative relationship with his sister is putting a damper on things. We've always been friendly toward one another, but we've never really connected as friends in any way. Since the wedding planning has begun, she's been helping out with some of the details, so I've started to spend more time with her. As it turns out, we have a lot of conflicting opinions on things, and even though it's my wedding, we've managed to butt heads over a few choices I've made. She has a certain set of views and beliefs and if she feels like you're not following them, she lets you know in a very upfront manner.

Needless to say at this point I'm really annoyed. I have my bachelorette party coming up in a month that I want to keep very small, with only my closest friends - I really don't want to invite her. I feel like she'll put a complete damper on my mood. I talked to my fiancé about it, but he thinks his sister will be offended if she's not on the invite list, so I just don't know what to do. Can I get away with not inviting her to the bachelorette party?

- Sick of My Sister-in-Law Selena

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Sick of My Sister-in-Law Selena,

It is your wedding and your bachelorette party, and your sister-in-law shouldn't be trying to insert her opinions as demands, but unfortunately this is how family tends to be when it comes to weddings. It's likely that if you guys get through this without any head-to-head arguments, things will go back to the way they were when the wedding is over.

On that note, I think you really need to think things through before you leave her out. The bachelorette party is an opportunity for you to have some serious fun with your girlfriends, and there is no rule that says that you must invite anyone you don't want to. However, it's very clear that your sister-in-law's feelings will be hurt if you don't ask her, which can end up creating some post-wedding conflicts that could be easily avoidable.

I'd suggest asking a couple of your friends to make sure that she's entertained and out of your hair the entire night. Or consider having two bachelorette parties; a larger one in which you include your soon-to-be sister-in-law and a more intimate one with just your two or three closest friends. Keep in mind that a fun night with the girls may be just what she needs to loosen up and could lead to some sisterly bonding between the two of you. Either way, remember that a wedding only lasts a day, but the relationships with your in-laws can last for decades, so try to keep things amicable if possible.

To see all of our wedding coverage, check out IDoSugar.com.

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This or That: Caught by Your Mother-in-Law or Your Boss?

DearSugar — Tue, 13 May 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Out on a Sunday afternoon stroll and shopping trip with a friend, you find yourself complaining about the stress you’re having at work and the issues you and your husband are having with your monster-in-law. You guys are having a good laugh - you're giving your best impressions, even mimicking your boss's constant hand motions. But just as you're exiting a store, your mood turns from jovial to terrified. Would it be worse if …

This: Your mother-in-law appears with pursed lips right in front of you? She starts to make small talk, but her expression makes it clear that she heard every word; this will make the weekly dinners far worse than usual.

Or …

That: Your boss comes up from behind you with her arms crossed and a stern look on her face? When you say hello, she gives a nod and says that she looks forward to seeing you in her office on Monday morning.

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Group Therapy: My Mother-in-Law Insists I Call Her Mom

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 14:00:00 -0700

Now that we're married, my husband's mother insists that I call her "mom." I have a mom, and I feel she is the only one who deserves that name. The idea of calling my mother-in-law mom when my actual mom is around makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I just can't get over how weird it is to call my husband's mother mom. I want to be a great daughter-in-law, and I want us to be close, but I just can't get used to this idea. I don't want her to turn on me just because I can't follow though on this.

What is the proper etiquette in this situation? Is it normal for her to ask this? How can I get her to understand that this just isn't normal for me without making her feel bad?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: My Sister-in-Law Is Driving Me Crazy

DearSugar — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My brother and his family live close by, and we're pretty tight, meeting weekly for dinner and frequent outings. The problem is, while my relations with my brother are perfect, his wife is another story. She frequently misunderstands everything I say, turning things into big issues. For example, last week she asked if I could babysit for her on a Tuesday evening while she went out with friends. When I told her that I couldn't because I had to work late, she was completely hurt and acted like I had totally let her down.

Over the last 10 years, I have supported her and treated her with nothing but love and respect; taking care of her kids and even forgoing a vacation when she needed babysitting help. I have never interfered in her and my brother's relationship or family life. I feel like I constantly have to walk on eggshells around her, and I just can't keep it up for much longer. What should I do?

- Sick of My Sister-in-Law Sasha

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Sick of My Sister-in-Law Sasha,

In my own experience, the walking on eggshells approach never works when it comes to family - you'll only end up feeling resentful. The joy of family is that you get to be yourself, so do just that. Conflicts are going to arise no matter what, but especially when two people are very different. Your sister-in-law sounds overly sensitive, but that doesn't mean you should have to tiptoe around her. In fact, the tension is going to exist whether or not you try to keep it buried, so you might as well just let it all out and see if it can be resolved once and for all.

The next time something seems to ruffle her feathers, be direct. Tell her that you didn't meant to offend her and would never try to hurt her intentionally, but you're not willing to ignore your own opinions or emotional needs to protect her. If she's simply a very touchy person, it's unlikely that she'll just suddenly change her ways, so don't wait around for that to happen. As long as you're caring and reasonable, there's no reason you can't act how you want when you're with her.

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You Asked: My In-Laws Hate Me

DearSugar — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I would like to be closer to my in-laws, but it's difficult since my in-laws don't seem to like me. They will give my husband a birthday check for $1,000 while my birthday gift will be $20 worth of scratch off lottery tickets. Whatever food I bring to parties, my Mother-in-Law makes a sour face when she tastes it. One time, she invited my husband and son to France and didn't invite me! I have to do something. My sister refuses to even visit her in-laws and this seems to work for her but what other options do I have?

-Tired of Being Left Out Tiffany

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Tired of Being Left Out Tiffany,

Keeping your feelings inside is the worst thing you can do. Things are just going to build and build until one day you'll explode, and your in-laws won't know where it's coming from.

The best thing to do is invite them over for dinner and have a talk with them about how you feel. Make sure your husband knows about your side of the situation so he can be there to back you up. Tell them you're upset by how they treat you so coldly, and that you think of them as family and wish you were closer. Ask them why they act this way, and if there's anything you've done to make them not like you. Give your in-laws examples of their behavior or things they've said so they can better understand where you're coming from. Who knows, they may not have any idea that you're feeling this way or even be aware of how their actions are coming across so remember that things can only improve from there.

If they get defensive and aren't willing to try to become closer, than there's really nothing else you can do. Show them you are the bigger person, try to reach a common ground, and if things don't improve, I wouldn't want to spend time with them either! Good luck.

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The How-To Lounge: Dealing with Overbearing In-Laws

DearSugar — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 10:00:00 -0700

Now that you are married, you have not only gained a life partner, but a set of in-laws. If you're one of the lucky ones, you have developed a good relationship with the mother and father of your new hubby, but if you're unfortunately like most newlyweds, getting along with the dreaded in-laws is no small feat. Learn how to cope with overbearing in-laws below.

Click here to read more

If you can, try to get along with your in-laws as best you can from the get go. They are now a part of your life forever so developing a good repertoire will benefit all involved, especially when you have children
Many wives and mother in-laws develop a competitive relationship. (MIL's seem to be more of a problem than FIL's simply because women pay closer attention to detail and over all seem to be more sensitive than men) Some MIL's feel threatened by the new wife that she is "stealing her son away", so try to be as understanding as possible during the first few months to a year after tying the knot, but don't be a push over! Marriage is an adjustment for the bride and the groom in addition to the in-laws
Blood is thicker than water so if you need to talk about the tough issues, as a rule of thumb, the wife should deal with her family while the husband should deal with his
Some men have a difficult time cutting the umbilical cord if you will so if your mother in-law is calling incessantly, or if your husband is always saying, "Well, my mother thinks we should move the couch more towards the right," or "She doesn't like our paint color in the study," you're going to have to sit him down and create some boundaries. You are now husband and wife - you should be your husband's first priority - so if you're unhappy, you need to work on a way to remedy the situation, ASAP
Keep a healthy distance from your in-laws. If you start to tell them all your personal business, they will soon think it is theirs. It is important, however to stay connected with the in-laws so they don't feel left in the dark. Finding a happy medium will no doubt take time, but it can be done

I hope these tips are helpful for all you newlyweds out there. Seeing as how I am not yet married, if you have other tips you would like to share, please dish away below!

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