TresSugar

You Asked: My Boyfriend Called Me By His Ex's Name - Twice!

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 12:00:00 PST

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of seven months, who has been amazing, romantic, and thoughtful so far, referred to me by his ex's name on two occasions in front of others. It hurt me very much and it continues to hurt. The first time was around Thanksgiving, the exact time of year they had broken up. The second time was a couple of weeks later, at a Christmas party. He says it means nothing and it was just a slip of the tongue.

They had dated for two and a half years, and he has never wanted to talk about her or why they broke up, but after the second time he called me by her name, I insisted that he tell me about her. He said their breakup really hurt him, but they had intimacy issues and ended up being more friends than lovers. He wanted to work on their relationship but she did not so it ended.

He has told me that he is 100 percent committed to me and me only. He treats me extremely well and makes me very happy. He always tells me how much he loves me, has asked me to move in with him, and tells me how much happier he is with me than he was with her. I have met his family and friends and we get along really well. So was this really just a slip of the tongue? If so, what do I do to get over it? Could he still have feelings for her? I don't want to be naive and I don't want to be blindsided. Any advice would be a great help. - He Made a Mistake Mindy

To see DearSugar's answer,

read more. Dear He Made a Mistake Mindy, From what you're telling me, it sounds as though everything in your relationship is going great except for these two slips of the tongue. While I don't doubt that those mistakes hurt you, you have to remember that people mess up every now and again, even at the cost of someone else's feelings. It's pretty clear that he adores you from the fact that he's constantly reassuring you, but at the end of the day, it's up to you if you're willing to forgive him. Time will lessen the blow of his mistakes, and keeping the lines of communication open about your feelings will help too. What he did was wrong, but I can honestly say that I don't think it came from a malicious place so if you think you can let it go, I think it'll be worth your while. With that said, if he makes a habit of calling you the wrong name, I'd say that it's a pretty clear indication that he's simply not over his ex. I hope it all works out for you; good luck. Source

DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Forgive My Friend For Betraying Me?

DearSugar — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 09:00:00 PDT

DearSugar and Should I Forgive Shanda need your help. Her friend, who is in a delicate emotional state, betrayed her. Although she knows her intentions were not malicious, she's not sure how or if she should forgive her, so weigh in and tell her what you'd do.

Dear Sugar,

I met a guy about four years ago and knew almost right away that he was not boyfriend material. However, we shared a strong physical attraction and have maintained a casual relationship ever since. It has worked out well for us simply because we did not expect anything more from each other. For various reasons and despite a handful of attempts, we hadn’t seen each other in close to a year. On a whim last Friday, we met for dinner and had wonderful conversation, and I left feeling surprisingly elated, though I still knew he and I would never be anything serious. He called me the next afternoon and invited me out to his friend’s housewarming party that night. I had already made plans with a girlfriend of mine (who doesn't get out much) but we decided to go together.

My girlfriend just had a precious little girl about six months ago and will also be finalizing her divorce in a couple of months due to the discovery that her husband was cheating on her throughout her entire marriage. Her life got turned upside down, but I have been by her side while she’s been picking up the pieces. She's an intelligent, confident, wonderful friend who has had the unfortunate displeasure of marrying a man who made her question her entire self-esteem and life.

Back to the housewarming party. We were having a great time, and by the end of the night, since we were in no condition to drive, we decided to sleep over - that is, until I turned the corner and saw my girlfriend sitting on my guy friend's lap with her shirt up. She got up and started to mumble something to me, but I was already out the door. She called the next day full of apologies, telling me how that was the most awful thing she’s ever done to a friend, how embarrassed she is, and how I mean more to her than any "stupid guy." While I truly believe she did not have malicious intentions and understand she's lonely, I don't really feel that's an excuse for what she did.

It was a simple decision for me to say goodbye to my guy friend (who also had a lengthy excuse list), but given the reason for the failure of her marriage, how could she do that to a best friend? How do I even begin to forgive her? How can I ever trust her again? I am at a complete loss of how to handle this.

Source

You Asked: I Keep Turning My Friends Into Enemies!

DearSugar — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 06:00:00 PDT

Dear Sugar,

Lately I've been feeling like I'm turning my friends into my enemies whenever they do something bad to me. I guess you can say that I don't know how to forgive and forget. I used to treasure my friendships so much until one incident in high school where my best friend ditched me for another friend. I know it sounds very elementary school, but it still hurts.

I've since let go of the "friends forever" belief and end up completely shutting people out of my life whenever I feel double crossed. Now my friendships are few and far between and I'm upset because I no longer have that special bond with someone. I really don't want this mentality to follow me through adulthood but how can I change the way I view my current friendships? - Overly Sensitive Sandra

To see DearSugar's answer

read more. Having a friendship go sour can be just as devastating as breaking up with a lover. The feelings of loss and betrayal are very similar so I completely understand your position, but just because one friend chose someone to call her BFF instead of you, it doesn't mean that all of your friendships will have the same outcome. Turning your friends into enemies is a clear defense mechanism, but building walls and hurting someone else before they hurt you won't solve anything. People make mistakes, and your friends will probably hurt your feelings many times along the way, but that's what makes them human! I can almost guarantee that you're not perfect either so if you keep the lines of communication open with your friends, chances are you can work through whatever misunderstandings come your way. I'm someone that cherishes my friendships like family, but I can tell you firsthand that all friendships have their highs and lows. Sure, it can hurt when you feel left out or feel second best, but remember, good friends will be there for you no matter what. Talk out your fears and try to give people the benefit of the doubt. It might take some time to build up your trust levels, but once you do, you'll be happy you did. Source

Relationship Protocol: Have You Ever Accidentally Injured Each Other?

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 16:00:00 PDT

When you're a kid, getting hurt is inevitable; you run, jump, fight with your siblings and wrestle with your friends. As adults, our play is usually more relaxing and less agressive, but I'm sure most of us still engage in some roughhousing with our significant others every now and again.

Just like our parents warned us as children, as soon as people get rowdy someone's likely to get hurt. And the physically closer you are to someone, the more chances you'll have of accidentally injuring them. To me, the only thing worse than hurting myself is inadvertently hurting someone else, so tell me, have you or your significant other mistakenly injured the other when goofing around?

Source

You Asked: My Friends Don't Respect My Time

DearSugar — Tue, 20 May 2008 06:00:00 PDT

Dear Sugar,

I feel like the people in my life don't respect me. Several of my friends and even my boyfriend are very inconsiderate when it comes to our time together. I make plans with them and time and time again, they either cancel or show up extremely late. At first, I stopped and evaluated what I was doing, thinking maybe I should take a hint - I even went as far as confronting my friends and boyfriend on the issue. I explained that I plan my day around our plans and when they don't work out or are moved around, it messes up my day. I have also tried doing it back to them but that does nothing! I don't want to make something out of nothing but I am truly offended. There are so many other things I could be doing besides waiting around for them all day and I am at the point where I am finding myself developing huge resentments against these people. I don't want to end relationships over this. Do you have any suggestions on how I could possibly handle this situation better? - Fed Up Frannie

To see DearSugar's answer,

read more. Dear Fed Up Frannie, I don't blame you for being fed up with your friends and boyfriend! Of course things come up and sometimes breaking plans is inevitable, but when it's happening time and time again, it just becomes unfair so I'm glad you've addressed this issue. When you asked them for an explanation, what was their response? Is it just happen circumstance every time or do you feel like they're deliberately avoiding you? If you think you've done everything on your end to rectify the situation to no avail, perhaps it's time to just accept these specific people for who they are. While bailing out on previously made plans is no doubt inconsiderate, the might be doing the best they can. Going forward, I'd simply let them know how you feel when they don't regard your time. Instead of bottling up your feelings inside, get it off your chest ASAP so you don't end up harboring unnecessary resentment - if they don't know that their actions hurt you, they won't know to stop. If things still don't change, I'd think about moving on from these relationships and aim to spend time with people that are willing to make more of an effort with you and your time. Good luck. Source

You Asked: Where Did This Come From?

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 06:00:00 PDT

Dear Sugar,

Just today my boyfriend broke up with me out of left field and he won't even tell me why. I didn't do anything wrong apart from love him and care for him. I don't know what to do. He won't return any of my calls or answer any of my text messages. We were fine two days ago and now this. Please tell me what I can do! I'm really hurting right now and feel so lost. - Stunned Sadie

To see DearSugar's answer

read more. Dear Stunned Sadie, I'm so sorry to hear that you're hurting right now. Breaking up is hard, but it's even harder when you don't have the answers you so desperately want. Since he's gone radio silent, the only thing you can do is wait. I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but it's really the only one I can offer. Pestering him and clogging his voicemail or text inbox won't make things better, but if you feel like you just have to get some things off your chest, I suggest typing him an email or writing him a letter explaining how you feel. Once you've done that though, don't make any more attempts to contact him - let that be the closure you give yourself until he's ready to talk. We could sit here all day and speculate where this suddenly came from, and as cliche as this may sound, only time will tell. Since you say you've only loved and supported him, something tells me this is an issue that has more to do with him than you, but again, I'm only speculating. While you wait for more to be revealed, try to lean on your friends and family for support. Do all the things that have been on your to-do list and keep yourself busy. I can only imagine how hard this must be for sure, so please treat yourself well. Good luck. Source

To Ice or to Heat? That is The Question

FitSugar — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 10:45:00 PST

If you have a pain or you hurt yourself, do you ice it or heat it? Good question for all of you weekend warriors.

Apply ice no longer than 20 minutes:

If you've hurt yourself in the last 48 hours (sprained your ankle or hammered your thumb instead of the nail).
If the area is swollen - ice will decrease the inflammation around the injury which will help control the pain.
After surgery to reduce swelling, bleeding, and bruising.
To chronic injuries suffered by athletes, such as overused joints like runner's knees - these areas should be iced after the activity to reduce inflamation.

Apply heat no longer than 20 minutes:

If you have chronic pain, such as sore, stiff, nagging joint or muscle pain - the heat brings new blood to the area to help loosen the tissues and help them to relax.
To chronic conditions, such as a tight hamstring before you exercise to improve elasticity.

Fit's Tips: Both heat and ice manipulate blood flow. Heat increases circulation which boosts the supply of oxygen to the area which accelerates the removal of waste products. Ice restricts blood flow which reduces inflammation and pain. If the injury hasn't improved or gets worse after 48 hours make an appointment to see your doctor.

How Long Will It Take A Mark To Grow Out Of Your Nail?

FitSugar — Thu, 11 Jan 2007 02:30:00 PST

I'm sure you've all done this before - You're late for work and you're rushing to get out of your car and sh** - you slam the car door on your finger. Or maybe you tried moving a table on your own and dropped the leg on your toe. Besides the unbelievably intense pain, you're left with a little red reminder of your accident - Subungual Hematoma. Unless you're in complete pain for days, you don't need to seek medical attention. Pop a pain reliever such as ibuprofen but don't try to pop a hole in your nail to get the blood out because you could get a nasty infection under your fingernail. Just let it grow out naturally.

I am curious, how long do you think it will take?

Vote below and then read the next post for more information on this issue.

Savvy Ways to Talk Money in Your Relationship

Emily Co — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 13:03:44 PST

Money is a dicey issue, and whether you're just "withholding" information about a small purchase or lying about the amount of debt, deceiving your partner can hurt the relationship.

Insecurities about your money situation might be holding you back from the money talk, but there are smoother ways of introducing the topic. For example, couples can take advantage of tax season to bring up money questions that they were holding back. My suggestion for other times to do it is the year-end bonus period, when either one of you is checking your credit score, making a major purchase, or paying bills. Another way of casually introducing the money topic is to talk about a finance article that pertains to your question. Remember, there's nothing wrong about talking frankly about serious issues with your partner, so don't be afraid to bring it up even without these conversation starters!

"My Boyfriend Is a Jerk"

Tres Community — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 03:05:00 PST

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend makes such hurtful comments that he has me crying at least once a week. I also see him checking other women out right in front of me. I know that he feels unattractive and I wonder if he says stuff to me because he feels inadequate. He has told me my butt is too big and my breasts are too small. He told me I should have breast augmentation to just have a lift. He wants me to set up a three way with another woman. To be honest I love him and hate the thought of sharing him. He makes me feel inadequate in every way. I have started to take prescription anxiety medicines frequently because I am in tears most of the time. He told me the woman he wants to have for our three way and she is pretty but I feel like why should I be there if he wants her why not just have her and let me go? I don't understand him at all. He wants to talk about marriage but I could never marry this man. Every time I try to break free something he says brings me back. I want away from him and I don't want to get pulled back. Why can't I stay away from him. I deleted him from my cell phone, I deleted him from my email. I have blocked his text messages. What else can I do to keep from being pulled back in?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.