TresSugar

Group Therapy: I Got Dumped Over Email

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 04:00:00 -0700

I had been dating a guy for two months and I couldn't have asked for a better relationship; other than the fact that he was too career-oriented and ambitious and always put his work first. I have a very demanding career as well so I made it clear to him that it was OK if we didn't meet up every night after work. When it came down to it, he felt too pressured to spend time with me, so he dumped me over email and blocked me on Facebook, IM, and all other technologies. I'm incredibly hurt because he didn't even give me the respect to end things in person or at least over the phone. I guess I am looking for closure, but will I ever get any?

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Called Me By His Ex's Name - Twice!

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of seven months, who has been amazing, romantic, and thoughtful so far, referred to me by his ex's name on two occasions in front of others. It hurt me very much and it continues to hurt. The first time was around Thanksgiving, the exact time of year they had broken up. The second time was a couple of weeks later, at a Christmas party. He says it means nothing and it was just a slip of the tongue.

They had dated for two and a half years, and he has never wanted to talk about her or why they broke up, but after the second time he called me by her name, I insisted that he tell me about her. He said their breakup really hurt him, but they had intimacy issues and ended up being more friends than lovers. He wanted to work on their relationship but she did not so it ended.

He has told me that he is 100 percent committed to me and me only. He treats me extremely well and makes me very happy. He always tells me how much he loves me, has asked me to move in with him, and tells me how much happier he is with me than he was with her. I have met his family and friends and we get along really well. So was this really just a slip of the tongue? If so, what do I do to get over it? Could he still have feelings for her? I don't want to be naive and I don't want to be blindsided. Any advice would be a great help. - He Made a Mistake Mindy

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear He Made a Mistake Mindy,

From what you're telling me, it sounds as though everything in your relationship is going great except for these two slips of the tongue. While I don't doubt that those mistakes hurt you, you have to remember that people mess up every now and again, even at the cost of someone else's feelings. It's pretty clear that he adores you from the fact that he's constantly reassuring you, but at the end of the day, it's up to you if you're willing to forgive him.

Time will lessen the blow of his mistakes, and keeping the lines of communication open about your feelings will help too. What he did was wrong, but I can honestly say that I don't think it came from a malicious place so if you think you can let it go, I think it'll be worth your while. With that said, if he makes a habit of calling you the wrong name, I'd say that it's a pretty clear indication that he's simply not over his ex. I hope it all works out for you; good luck.

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Group Therapy: How Do I Get Over Someone That Was a Jerk to Me?

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 10:00:00 -0800

I met a man a few months ago who I instantly felt a connection with. We had a lot in common and it was very clear that we were into each other. Fast forward a few weeks when I blew it by saying I was starting to develop real feelings for him. I think I spooked him because he slowly became distant; he stopped responding to text messages and out of nowhere, he told me he couldn't see me anymore because he had to study for the Bar exam, something I didn't even know he was studying for. He said we'd see each other after his test, but I still don't understand why he went from 90 to zero so fast. I feel crushed that I was played like that, but I can't help but still have strong feelings for him. I want to move on but I have no closure. Should I let it go or get the answers I need to put him behind me?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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Group Therapy: My Friends Have Turned Against Me

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I moved two hours away from my home and family a few months ago to attend college. None of my friends from high school were going to this college, so I came to school not knowing anybody. Within the first or second week of school, I made friends with a group of people I really liked. We hung out all the time. In fact, I eventually moved into the building they live in, because they were on the other side of campus and there was an opening.

For the past week or so, they have all been somewhat standoffish. I have had to invite myself to do things with them and I can't help but feel very left out of things. They have lied to me about plans and think I'm too stupid to figure it out. I don't really know anyone outside this circle of friends, but I'm sick of being treated this way. I hate feeling like I'm not good enough to be friends with them. I really just don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

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Group Therapy: What Should I Do About Him?

Thu, 04 Sep 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half, and we argue a lot. He gets mad very easily and insults me, but when he's not mad, he treats me really well and is very romantic. The problem is that I love him with all my heart and I can't just forget him. Every time he hurts me, he wants me to "forget it and move on" like he does, but I just can't. If I get emotional, he just gets angrier. I've told him how I feel about this, and he either blames me or promises never to do it again.

Everybody tells me that he doesn't deserve me and that I'm too nice for him. I've tried to forget him and not talk to him, but I just can't. I feel so empty without him. If I don't call him he doesn't call for a week, and then if I do call, he's mad and asks me why I haven't called. We just started college, and we're going to different schools; I'm scared that he will find someone else. I really love him. What should I do? Has anyone been through something similar?

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Forgive My Friend For Betraying Me?

DearSugar — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Should I Forgive Shanda need your help. Her friend, who is in a delicate emotional state, betrayed her. Although she knows her intentions were not malicious, she's not sure how or if she should forgive her, so weigh in and tell her what you'd do.

Dear Sugar,

I met a guy about four years ago and knew almost right away that he was not boyfriend material. However, we shared a strong physical attraction and have maintained a casual relationship ever since. It has worked out well for us simply because we did not expect anything more from each other. For various reasons and despite a handful of attempts, we hadn’t seen each other in close to a year. On a whim last Friday, we met for dinner and had wonderful conversation, and I left feeling surprisingly elated, though I still knew he and I would never be anything serious. He called me the next afternoon and invited me out to his friend’s housewarming party that night. I had already made plans with a girlfriend of mine (who doesn't get out much) but we decided to go together.

My girlfriend just had a precious little girl about six months ago and will also be finalizing her divorce in a couple of months due to the discovery that her husband was cheating on her throughout her entire marriage. Her life got turned upside down, but I have been by her side while she’s been picking up the pieces. She's an intelligent, confident, wonderful friend who has had the unfortunate displeasure of marrying a man who made her question her entire self-esteem and life.

Back to the housewarming party. We were having a great time, and by the end of the night, since we were in no condition to drive, we decided to sleep over - that is, until I turned the corner and saw my girlfriend sitting on my guy friend's lap with her shirt up. She got up and started to mumble something to me, but I was already out the door. She called the next day full of apologies, telling me how that was the most awful thing she’s ever done to a friend, how embarrassed she is, and how I mean more to her than any "stupid guy." While I truly believe she did not have malicious intentions and understand she's lonely, I don't really feel that's an excuse for what she did.

It was a simple decision for me to say goodbye to my guy friend (who also had a lengthy excuse list), but given the reason for the failure of her marriage, how could she do that to a best friend? How do I even begin to forgive her? How can I ever trust her again? I am at a complete loss of how to handle this.

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Group Therapy: Can We Just Be Friends?

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I met a guy a few years ago while on vacation. Since that time we have stayed in contact and become the best of friends. Of course, there have been romantic undertones to our relationship. The problem is that we live about 900 miles apart. In the beginning I was hesitant to act on any feelings, but eventually we both admitted that we care about each other yet have not agreed to be in a relationship.

My hesitation comes from both concerns about the distance as well as the fact that I'm more established than he is - he's still in college. His hesitation is primarily the distance. I have casually dated guys over the past few years, but nothing serious, and I assume he has dated girls casually. Neither of us have gone into the details of our dating history, but we have talked about our possible future. One of the fears he has expressed is that I will meet someone and not tell him I'm already deeply involved. So we agreed to tell each other if we met anyone we thought the other person should know about.

But recently he told me he has met someone that he is interested in, and I can't describe how much it hurt me. I told him my feelings were hurt but that I understood. He insists that he would never want to hurt me, which is why he was trying to be honest. Now I can’t stop thinking about him and the time he must be spending with her. Where do I go from here? Should we just be friends? Is it possible to maintain a friendship or see other people?

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You Asked: I Keep Turning My Friends Into Enemies!

DearSugar — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Lately I've been feeling like I'm turning my friends into my enemies whenever they do something bad to me. I guess you can say that I don't know how to forgive and forget. I used to treasure my friendships so much until one incident in high school where my best friend ditched me for another friend. I know it sounds very elementary school, but it still hurts.

I've since let go of the "friends forever" belief and end up completely shutting people out of my life whenever I feel double crossed. Now my friendships are few and far between and I'm upset because I no longer have that special bond with someone. I really don't want this mentality to follow me through adulthood but how can I change the way I view my current friendships? - Overly Sensitive Sandra

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Having a friendship go sour can be just as devastating as breaking up with a lover. The feelings of loss and betrayal are very similar so I completely understand your position, but just because one friend chose someone to call her BFF instead of you, it doesn't mean that all of your friendships will have the same outcome.

Turning your friends into enemies is a clear defense mechanism, but building walls and hurting someone else before they hurt you won't solve anything. People make mistakes, and your friends will probably hurt your feelings many times along the way, but that's what makes them human! I can almost guarantee that you're not perfect either so if you keep the lines of communication open with your friends, chances are you can work through whatever misunderstandings come your way.

I'm someone that cherishes my friendships like family, but I can tell you firsthand that all friendships have their highs and lows. Sure, it can hurt when you feel left out or feel second best, but remember, good friends will be there for you no matter what. Talk out your fears and try to give people the benefit of the doubt. It might take some time to build up your trust levels, but once you do, you'll be happy you did.

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Relationship Protocol: Have You Ever Accidentally Injured Each Other?

DearSugar — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 16:00:00 -0700

When you're a kid, getting hurt is inevitable; you run, jump, fight with your siblings and wrestle with your friends. As adults, our play is usually more relaxing and less agressive, but I'm sure most of us still engage in some roughhousing with our significant others every now and again.

Just like our parents warned us as children, as soon as people get rowdy someone's likely to get hurt. And the physically closer you are to someone, the more chances you'll have of accidentally injuring them. To me, the only thing worse than hurting myself is inadvertently hurting someone else, so tell me, have you or your significant other mistakenly injured the other when goofing around?

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You Asked: My Friends Don't Respect My Time

DearSugar — Tue, 20 May 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I feel like the people in my life don't respect me. Several of my friends and even my boyfriend are very inconsiderate when it comes to our time together. I make plans with them and time and time again, they either cancel or show up extremely late. At first, I stopped and evaluated what I was doing, thinking maybe I should take a hint - I even went as far as confronting my friends and boyfriend on the issue. I explained that I plan my day around our plans and when they don't work out or are moved around, it messes up my day. I have also tried doing it back to them but that does nothing! I don't want to make something out of nothing but I am truly offended. There are so many other things I could be doing besides waiting around for them all day and I am at the point where I am finding myself developing huge resentments against these people. I don't want to end relationships over this. Do you have any suggestions on how I could possibly handle this situation better? - Fed Up Frannie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Fed Up Frannie,

I don't blame you for being fed up with your friends and boyfriend! Of course things come up and sometimes breaking plans is inevitable, but when it's happening time and time again, it just becomes unfair so I'm glad you've addressed this issue.

When you asked them for an explanation, what was their response? Is it just happen circumstance every time or do you feel like they're deliberately avoiding you? If you think you've done everything on your end to rectify the situation to no avail, perhaps it's time to just accept these specific people for who they are. While bailing out on previously made plans is no doubt inconsiderate, the might be doing the best they can.

Going forward, I'd simply let them know how you feel when they don't regard your time. Instead of bottling up your feelings inside, get it off your chest ASAP so you don't end up harboring unnecessary resentment - if they don't know that their actions hurt you, they won't know to stop. If things still don't change, I'd think about moving on from these relationships and aim to spend time with people that are willing to make more of an effort with you and your time. Good luck.

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