TresSugar

Sex Myth: Men Want Sex ALL the Time

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Jun 2007 11:00:00 -0700

Where did we ever get the idea that men want sex MORE than women? While it's true that men might feel like it's cool to have as many sexual partners as they can get their horny little hands on, there's got to be women out there satisfying they're need too, right?

In my opinion, it all depends on personality, not gender. Some men don't want sex all the time, and some women can't get enough.

A woman could be sitting on the couch with her man watching TV. She'll reach over and gently rub his thigh, and he'll push her hand away and say "C'mon babe, I'm watching the game." How humiliating, not to mention frustrating!

This debunked myth is screwing things up (no pun intended). In order for a women to want to make love, part of her needs to feel wanted, to be chased, and sought after. So what's a girl to do if her guy has a low libido?

Want to find out, then read more

If you are feeling sex-starved and your man isn't in the mood, give these a try:

Surprise him by sneaking into the bathroom while he's taking his morning shower (and plan on being late to work)
While he is doing something like checking his email or watching TV, go over sit on his lap, and casually start kissing his neck. Some men can't resist a woman who initiates sex.
Plan a surprise massage. Set up blankets on the floor, candles, soothing music, and massage oil. Add some sweet kisses and I bet your massage won't last long...
Wear something you know he likes. This could be a special scent, dangly jewelry, high heels, a flirty skirt, or a t-shirt. It doesn't have to be a sexy g-string - not all guys are into that.
Give him a little space. If you are constantly trying to get it on and he's shooting you down, take the hint. Go out with your girlfriends, go for a run, let him be without you, and he'll be missing you in no time.
Talk to him about how you're feeling. Maybe there's a reason he's not feeling in the mood.

I hope this helps! Have any other ideas? Share them below.

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You Asked: I'm Not Wanting Sex

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. Ten months of it was long distance - way long distance between the US and Europe. He has been back in the US for about four months, and I just started graduate school and he hates his job. We have been having a lot of issues recently and there has been a lot of fighting.

One of our problems is that I am not sexual enough for him. I am 24 years old and he is my first and only partner. Obviously we didn't have sex much last year because we only saw each other three times in ten months. Recently, I just haven't felt like having sex. I don't know what's wrong with me but I just don't really like sex that much in the first place. He told me it bothers him that I don't want to and said I should have my hands all over him. He says this is something that needs to change since he is such a sexual person. So I guess I just don't know what to do. Is there something wrong with me? I love him so much but I got tired of having sex. I just don't know why.

-Not Horny Halley

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Not Horny Halley,

I can tell you why. Since you are so inexperienced, you obviously don't feel that comfortable having sex yet. Also, it didn't help that the person you lost your virginity to lived in Europe for most of your relationship, so you didn't get much practice. Maybe you feel a little weird having sex with him because you don't know him that well, so intimacy feels awkward. You also mentioned that you're in grad school, so I bet you're really overworked and tired, which doesn't help with your sex drive either.

Since you haven't had that much sex, I bet you haven't had many (or any) mind-blowing experiences. I'm wondering if your boyfriend is putting forth any effort to pleasure you, because if he's not, and he's just going right into sex, then it's going to hurt and not make you want to have sex ever again. If your man wants to be intimate with you, he needs to figure out how to turn you on, and you can help him by telling him what you like. If you're not that sure, I suggest getting to know what you like by yourself. If you can get yourself to orgasm by masturbating, then you'll be able to explain to your man in detail how he can do the same.

If you truly love him, then I think you guys can work this out. Sex definitely takes practice. I suggest giving intimacy an honest effort because the more you do it, the more comfortable you'll feel, and the better it'll get. If you still don't want to have sex, then maybe it has something to do with how you feel about your boyfriend. If that's the case, it may be time to date other people because there may be someone else out there who can light the fire of passion inside you better than this guy can.

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Meredith Vieira to Navy Pilot: "I'm an Old, Horny Woman"

TresSugar — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 15:00:00 -0700

Should Max Shuman of Virginia Beach, VA, want to file a sexual harassment charge against Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? guest host Meredith Vieira, he will have no trouble providing documentation to the authorities.

Unbeknownst to him, the young (and yes, incredibly hot) Navy pilot walked into a cougar's den of lust and inappropriate comments. You can actually watch the poor guy's face change from amused to slightly afraid as it becomes clear that Meredith is not going to stop ribbing him or making horrible double entendres. Sample dialogue: when the clearly rigged question "The childhood prank known as a wet willie involves putting a wet finger in someone's what?" comes up, Meredith says, "Anywhere you want to put it, Max." And that is but one example!

Down, Meredith, down!

(If you've found something funny and would like to share it, join TrèsSugar's Funny Farm group in Community and lighten up everyone's day!)

I'm Horny

DearSugar — Wed, 01 Mar 2006 07:19:09 -0800

Dear Sugar
I am a young 31 year old woman and my boyfriend is 34. We have lived (and have been) together for 4 1/2 years. We are "the perfect match". We laugh and cry together and we are each other's best friend. Since we've met though, we have gone through many rough times. Both my parents died and because of that my friends and most of my relatives disappeared... Don't ask my why... As a result of depression, I had to go on medications - which made me gain about 20 pounds and act like a rollercoaster. Today, I feel much better and I am free of meds. But the weight, of course, stayed on. The problem: My boyfriend takes NO initiative any more when it comes to sex. He says it has nothing to do with the weight...We have sex about 2 - 3 times a year!! He has even brushed me off when I have tried. He says that he's tired. I have tried to talk to him about this, but he says nothing is wrong; he is just tired. But for me it has become a big problem. I need us to be intimate. Let me just add that he is not cheating. I know for sure because we are together all the time. Except for this problem, all is good. What can I do? Horny Girlfriend

Dear Horny Girlfriend
Try being more aggressive at stimulating him. He's not going to stop you if you've already gotten started. Or, have you tried sex toys? Maybe that's something that would turn him on. It sounds like this is a symptom of a bigger intimacy problem in your relationship. The two of you need to have an honest talk about your feelings for each other. You could even give couples counseling a shot if talking doesn't get you anywhere. This is a big problem because if you don't feel sexually attractive to your boyfriend you are going to start to feel insecure and it will show in the relationship. You are a woman and you have needs. You deserve to be sexually satisfied and more if you are in a loving relationship.

Tufts to Dorm Dwellers: Get a Room!

TresSugar — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 11:30:00 -0700

Tufts University has just instituted a policy you'd think wouldn't need to be an official rule: don't have sex in your dorm room while your roommate's present, and don't "sexile" (sex + exile) your roommate, say at 3 a.m., because you want to get it on with your college sweetheart (or random hookup). So basically, if you're dwelling in a dorm, either have enough money to get a hotel room, find a comfy broom closet if passion strikes, or go without.

The Tufts policy arose because students were complaining that their horny roommates were intruding on their privacy and interfering with their studies by either having sex while they were present (ewww!) or asking them to leave for a few minutes. I am so glad I never stayed in a dorm - I just moved in with the boyfriend when I was in college! Problem solved.

How was dorm sex negotiated when you were in college?

Horny Hedgehog Sells a Sponge

GiggleSugar — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 08:00:00 -0700

Sex sells, but there's nothing remotely sexy about a sponge, especially a dirty sponge. Well, some advertising sleazeball thought a filthy sponge was exactly what this world needed, so he made hedgehog-on-sponge porn and called it a commercial. It's shameless, unnecessary, and my poor dishes now feel betrayed.

Only Cuz We Care . . .

GiggleSugar — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 14:00:00 -0700

Lost in translation, you say? Blunt in translation is more like it!

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You Asked: My Hubby Says He's Horny But He Doesn't Want to Have Sex

DearSugar — Fri, 09 Nov 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I love my husband very much, and he says he loves me too. The only issue is that he's 43 and says that since he's older than me (by five years), at his age he just isn't interested in sex with me, or with anyone for that matter. So why, if he says that, does he stay up all night long on the computer, going to porn sites and chatting online about sex? I just don't understand it. He says he is a horn dog but doesn't want to actually make love. Any advice?

-I Don't Get My Husband Hannah

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear I Don't Get My Husband Hannah,

Well I have to admit that this situation seems fishy, and there's got to be more to this story. If your hubby would rather look at porn online than have sex with you then there's got to be a reason why, besides the fact that he's older. I mean, he's obviously interested in sex if he's checking out porn every night, right?

Here are some questions to think about. Is he stressed out about work or something else? How was your sex life in the past? Did he seem satisfied? Were you satisfied? Was sex a chore, meaning did it take a lot of effort in order for either of you to climax? Was sex boring? Was he always interested in porn, or is this a new thing? Does he masturbate while watching porn?

The only way you are going to get to the bottom of this is to talk to him openly and get those questions answered. Explain that it really upsets you that he'd rather look at porn, and that you wish you two would have sex more often. Try to figure out ways to compromise. Maybe you guys can incorporate pornography into your lovemaking. Or maybe he can explain what he needs you to do in order to get aroused. Talking about it will make you both feel better and will hopefully give you insight into what your husband is feeling. Good luck, Hannah.

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Air Sex Championships - Hilarious or Horrifying?

TresSugar — Fri, 08 May 2009 11:00:00 -0700

I'm well acquainted with air guitar competitions, but until today, I was unfamiliar with the R-rated equivalent, the Air Sex World Championships. After watching a few videos, I'm pretty intimate with the concept: horny hopefuls take the stage (usually clothed) and simulate having sex with an imaginary person. Like air guitar, but with more thrusting. Interested? See if there's a show in your city.

Conventional Wisdom: Ask a Film Professor

TresSugar — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 06:00:00 -0700

I am in a heterosexual marriage and have a reasonably satisfying sexual relationship with my husband. Every now and again, though, we butt heads on the same issue. He is horny and I'm on my period; he wants me to "help" him out. I'm exhausted and would rather roll over and go to sleep. I resent his question, but more than that, I resent that when I do refuse "helping" him out - he gets upset.

We end up arguing for at least 15 minutes, I don't get to sleep, and he doesn't get off. Neither of us wins. If I say "yes" just so I can get back to sleep, I secretly resent him. He says that if I asked for a back rub, he'd give me one. (If I could rub my own back, I wouldn't ask for one.)

He doesn't feel comfortable getting himself off, because he believes it is bad for a marriage. I, on the other hand, do not have a problem with it and feel it is unfair to pressure me. You see now where we're stuck. I feel he is being selfish; he feels I am the one only thinking of myself and my precious sleep. Help!

- Please or No Please?

To read a film professor's answer, read more

Hi Please or No Please,

I definitely see your dilemma. On the one hand (no pun intended), when you are not in the mood you are not in the mood (and that includes “helping out”). That needs to be respected by your partner and not subjected to extensive discussion if you generally have a healthy sexual relationship. On the other hand, it sounds like for him it is really hard (OK, now the pun is intended) to just relax when he is turned on and either forego sex that night or give himself a hand.

No wonder men are not super comfortable masturbating, especially when their partners are aware of it, if you take into account the myriad humiliating masturbation scenes from films that these guys have to watch (think There’s Something About Mary, American Pie, or even Fast Times at Ridgemont High).

It seems to me that a lot of the problems in relationships are as much, if not more, about the way people communicate about that problem as they are about the original problem. As the famous media theorist Marshall Mcluhan once said, “The medium is the message,” which is a fancy way of saying in this context that the conversation about this trouble spot is as much the problem as the issue of what to do when you’re not in the mood.

I would suggest that the best starting point would be to try talking about the problem somewhat differently, and not in the moment when it comes up in the bedroom (my god, I can’t stop with the double entendres!). Maybe you could ask him why he thinks masturbation is bad for marriage. Or ask him to suggest some different ways you could incorporate masturbation into your sex life in a way that doesn’t feel so irritating to you.

Above all, try to have a bit of fun experimenting with the situation. When conversations about sex make sex seem unsexy, use communication about the issue as a way to increase, not decrease, your intimacy.

Hope this helps! Signed,

A Film Professor

Click here to find out more about Conventional Wisdom and here to submit a question.

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