TresSugar

You Asked: Should I Take My Ex Back As My Best Friend?

DearSugar — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two years recently broke up with me. It was completely out of the blue and I still can't understand why he did it. He gave me 20 different contradicting reasons, but the main point is that he doesn't want to be with me anymore; and it hurts a lot. He had planned out the rest of our lives right down to when we'd get married, what church, when we'd have kids and what town we'd live in.

We had been best friends for over two years before we got together but we always had this awesome connection. I was very excited when he asked me out, although I was concerned that I could lose his friendship if we ever broke up. I took the chance but now that we're done, he wants to go back to being just friends. I'm not sure if I'm able to do that. My friendship feelings for him are all wrapped up in the romantic ones. We are in the exact same circle of friends and they all think I should give it a try. Half the time I miss my best friend, but the other half hates him for breaking my heart. What should I do? - Crushed Cathy

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Dear Crushed Cathy,

It's pretty clear that you still have some strong feelings around the breakup with your ex, so while going back to being just friends would be ideal, it will only work once you've let go of your romantic feelings for him. Since you're in the same circle of friends, you can remain cordial towards him, but it might just be too soon to jump right back into best friend status.

Crossing the friendship line is always a risk, but once the dust settles, hopefully you can see that your friendship is what brought you together in the first place. With time, maybe you both can work on rebuilding that connection but in the meantime, take all the distance you need to grieve your relationship. Good luck to you and try not to let your friends influence you to move too quickly.

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Dear Poll: Have You Ever Been Heartbroken?

DearSugar — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

If falling in love makes people deliriously happy, then getting your heart broken is emotionally shattering. And while there may be a lesson to be learned, truthfully I can’t really think of anything good about a broken heart. But alas, it is a part of life. So, have you ever had your heart broken?

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Do You Face Your Pain Head On?

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 13:00:00 -0700

In the October issue of the UK's Harper's Bazaar, Liv Tyler opens up about her breakup with Royston Langdon. Her extremely candid interview shows the grieving side of Liv as she admits to struggling through the pain and loss of her five-year marriage. As we all know, breakups can be devastating, but Liv is being brave and facing her reality head on: "I am trying to just let myself feel it. I think you have to mourn and you have to feel that pain."

Although it's much easier to run from your problems, it won't make them go away so I applaud her for taking the high, yet heartbreaking road to her healing process. How do you typically deal with heartache? Are you of the same mind-set as Liv or do you avoid your problems at all costs in hopes that they'll just fade with time?

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Group Therapy: Is His Depression Changing His Feelings for Me?

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend of two years has decided that he wants us to take a break. He is still in school and I graduated a year ago, but have been waiting on him to finish so we could move in together. He is the best boyfriend I have ever had, and he would do anything that I asked. We both said we were soul mates from the beginning. Just last month he gave me my anniversary card that said how much we truly love each other and how he couldn't see his life without me. However, from the beginning he stated that it probably wasn't a good idea to stay together every night, but that's what we've been doing. Now I think that I may have been overbearing and just didn't see things clearly at first.

He has been on antidepressants for years now and every so often he will be depressed for a couple of days, but always comes out of it. The night before he started acting weird he'd forgotten to take his medicine. The next evening he said he didn't think that we should stay together every night, and he thinks that it would solve his problem. But moments later, he said that the spark was gone and the relationship was boring. Then the next day he said that we should take a break for a couple of weeks. He feels smothered and doesn't know what he wants.

All of this is out of character, and I'm not for sure if it's due to his illness or whether he's really done with us. I'm completely heartbroken. I'm especially upset because three days earlier, I gave my 30 day notice on my apartment for another apartment that he's supposed to help me pay for. I can't afford the new apartment by myself and don't know if I can cancel my 30 day notice. I don't understand why he is doing this and I'm beginning to think it really is the end. He hasn't called, but he did change his relationship status online to "It's complicated." What can I do? Please help!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: I Can't Accept That We've Broken Up

DearSugar — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am one of your male readers and have been having a problem for a while now and need some help. About five months ago my (now ex) girlfriend and I broke up. It was initiated by me after a fight when I said that I needed some time alone to think. She was angry that I wanted time away, and so we broke up. The two months prior to that her jealousy had really driven us apart - she was constantly insecure about my female friends.

A month and a half passed and we started talking about the prospect of getting back together, but out of nowhere, something changed and she became cold towards me. She said that she didn't see a future with me, especially since she was moving away for grad school soon - she wants to try her hand at being single. I attempted to get her back to no avail.

It's now five months after our initial breakup and she is seeing someone else. I know it's not serious, but if she loved me like I loved her, how is it possible for her to be with someone else right now?I have pretty much accepted the fact that the relationship is not easily feasible given we would be in different states, but I still love her more than anything and I constantly think about her day and night. How do I convince her that we're meant to be?

- Desperate Dave

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Dear Desperate Dave,

Breakups are always painful, and even under the best of circumstances, they can take a lot of time to recover from. It's normal to get lost in all the emotions and longing for what you had with your significant other, but as hard as it is to accept, much of that longing is based on an idealistic notion of your relationship and your ex. There's a reason you initiated a break from her, and it's not because things were going perfectly. While it's easy to get hung up on the loss you're feeling, it's time to start thinking rationally. You tried to get your ex back and she chose not to. Now she's seeing someone else and is about to move away. Unfortunately, I think her intentions towards you are clear. Instead of focusing all your energy on trying to woo her back, it's time to start letting go so you can move on with your life; you may be surprised who you meet along the way.

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Dear Poll: Is It Harder to Be the Dumper or the Dumpee?

DearSugar — Fri, 30 May 2008 12:00:00 -0700

At the recent NYC press junket for the big premiere, our favorite Sex and the City actors got asked about some of the tough relationship issues their characters have dealt with throughout the show and now, in the movie. Ironically, the infamous heartbreaker Mr. Big, AKA Chris Noth, was asked if he had any experience in breakups, to which he responded:

Absolutely, I always think it is harder to dump than to be dumped. . . . Because when you’re dumped, you can feel sorry for yourself and listen to sad songs. . . . But when you dump someone, you take the full responsibility of possibly hurting someone and no one wants to hurt anyone.

I thought Noth's take was an interesting one, though I'm not sure I agree. Sure, everyone loves a good pity party every once and a while, but I'm not convinced that having your heartbroken is better than doing the breaking yourself. Neither are fun, but which is harder?

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You Asked: Will Time Heal My Broken Heart?

DearSugar — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

Three years ago my ex left me for another woman. We have divorced and they have since gotten married. My problem is this: Even after everything, I still love him and I'm still attracted to him physically. I have dated other men and even been intimate with one of them, however it has done nothing to change how I feel about my ex. Is this something that will fade with time? If not, how do I get over him?
- Still in Love Linda

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Dear Still in Love Linda,

Holding onto one-sided feelings for your ex must feel incredibly frustrating, but they will fade with time. Since your split was out of your control, I'm not surprised that you still have feelings for him, but let me ask you this, did you ever get closure from this relationship? Just because you have both gone your separate ways, if you were never able to truly end things and say everything you needed to say, it's no wonder you're still carrying the torch for him.

I'm glad to hear that you're getting yourself out there again, but be patient Linda. Just because you haven't made a connection with the first few men you've dated, it doesn't mean there isn't someone else out there for you.

I'm not sure where you stand now, but I highly advise you get whatever closure you need so you can put most of this relationship behind you. Time is an amazing healer but in the meantime, keep doing what you're doing - get yourself out there, keep yourself busy, and use your friends and family for support. Good luck.

Source

News to Me: Paid Time Off While You Break It Off?

DearSugar — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0800

Breakups can often be debilitating, and while it's easy to tell our friends that we don't feel like going out, it's a lot more difficult to get out of going to work, even if your breakup does feel a lot like having the flu. But now, a Japanese marketing firm called Hime & Company is offering "heartbreak leave" for its employees going through difficult breakups. According to Reuters:

Staff aged 24 years or younger can take one day off per year, while those between 25 and 29 can take two days off and those older can take three days off, the company said.

While I don't think this company's idea will be very catching, I do like that it acknowledges the bigger mental health issues we all deal with. So what do you all think? Is this is a neat concept or a little over the top?

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Do Tell: How Does Love Affect You?

DearSugar — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 07:00:00 -0700

There is really nothing better than falling in love, but on the flip side, there's nothing worse than having a broken heart. Love and heartache hits everyone differently, some get physically ill when they are overcome with love while others get sick with a broken heart, so ladies, do tell, how does love sickness affect you?

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Group Therapy: self-imposed singlehood

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 10:17:54 -0700

Tonight I had another in a long line of bad fights with my boyfriend. And like most of our fights, the root cause is my out of control temper. It got to a point where I can see he wanted to hit me, but instead he caught himself and just pushed me.

This is a very big deal because in our 7 years together, he has never lifted a finger to hurt me physically.

When he walked out, I realized my temper, although I have been working on managing it for years, will always be a problem. So I texted and emailed my boyfriend (because I know he won't take my calls) to say that I think it's better for us to break up after all these years. He hasn't replied.

I don't want to hurt him anymore, and I don't want it to come to a point where things turn really ugly. He is a great guy and I know for a fact he was faithful throughout (I was faithful too). I think it is time he was free of my volatile temper and find someone who will really be kind and loving to him.

Click here to

My heart is broken because I do love him. But I know this is what's best for him. I really tried, but I think it's time to throw in the towel or risk destroying him as well.

I'm fine with the idea of being alone. He was my first boyfriend, and before him, I was perfectly prepared to be alone because I know my temper would make it hard for me to be in a relationship. But he seemed to understand me most, and it was fine until recently.

I'm not sure I made the right decision. I am sleepless, but very very tired.

Was I right to end it? And how do I get to sleep again?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]