TresSugar

You Asked: I Hate My Father

DearSugar — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

For years I've had a deep ingrained hatred towards my so-called father. I went to therapy for two years for it, but I still have a lot of resentment built up. I've never had a real conversation with him, and I don't plan on ever having one with him in the future. I don't want to work it out because I do not want a relationship with him. Unfortunately, I have to live with him. I am currently in school and living with my family. I applied to a couple of new schools for the Spring semester, so if all goes well, I will be living on campus, but until then, I have to deal with my dad. But I can't even stand looking at him, let alone speaking to him.

My sister and my mom have told me I've been too hard on him, but I couldn't care less. He has put my family through extremely difficult circumstances, and has not once apologized for his actions. I am otherwise pretty happy with my life, except for the fact that I have to deal with him on a daily basis. I wish he would just go away, but that's not an option. Is there anything at all I can do to ease this tension?

- Bitter Brianna

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Bitter Brianna,

You say you want to ease the tension in your family, and yet, the intense hatred you're holding on to says otherwise. Your dad isn't going away, and even if you want to cut him out of your life, it sounds like he's still very much included in your mother's and your sister's. I don't know the reasons for your anger, but obviously they run very deep. The process of letting go is no easy task, and I commend you for trying to work things out with therapy, but holding on to this bitterness is only going to serve to hurt you. While I certainly won't suggest you make any kind of amends with your dad - anger is a very necessary emotion and often a method of protection from future wounds - you can recognize his inabilities and your grievances, but take your rage out of the equation.

First of all, get out of the house. Apply for a student loan, drop down to a part-time class schedule, take another job, or rent out your friend's closet, if necessary. This living situation sounds incredibly unhealthy, and I would guess that by physically removing yourself from his presence, the tension would naturally decrease. When you do see him, stay reasonable; if your anger overwhelms you just leave and that will automatically deescalate any impending conflict. And certainly, continue therapy - your campus health center should have options available for you. You're obviously still experiencing the impact of the relationship with your father, so even if you don't want to work through it for your family, do it for yourself.

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Have You Ever Had a Love/Hate Relationship?

DearSugar — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 11:00:00 -0700

If you've ever had a love/hate relationship with someone, you know how frustrating and confusing it can feel, but according to new research, there's a reason why these kinds of relationships are so common. In a recent study, participants were shown images of individuals they hated and the brain activity pattern it revealed partially occurs in areas of the brain activated by romantic love as well. Written in the Public Library of Science journal PLoS One, researchers said, "This linkage may account for why love and hate are so closely linked to each other in life. Our results show that there is a unique pattern of activity in the brain in the context of hate." The study also revealed one conclusion to this research:

While both emotions are all-consuming passions, it may be that people in love are often less critical and judgmental about their partner but need to maintain their focus when dealing with a hated rival.

Since there's such a thin line between love and hate, tell me ladies, have you ever been in a love/hate relationship before?

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Group Therapy: Oh How Revenge Is So Sweet - But Did I Go Too Far?

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I met "G," we dated, had some hard times, and then things got really rough. He was the move too fast type. I was the slow it down and enjoy the ride type. Long story short, he cheated on me every chance he got. We got pregnant, I lost the baby, and he was completely unsupportive. "G" cheated during the whole relationship, and the final straw was when friends of mine saw friends of his at a club. A girl was flirting with "G" and he disappeared. He was nowhere to be found. I don't need to be a genius to figure out what he was doing.

He's a very money-driven man, so to get revenge on him, I reported his side business, on which he pays no taxes, to the IRS. Everything I reported was the absolute truth and things I had witnessed or he said directly to me, and in no way did I lie. But did I go too far?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: His Parents Don't Think He Should Be With Me

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 15:00:00 -0800

My boyfriend and I both work in a strip club. It is normal for everyone - including the bartenders - to hide their relationship status from the customers in order to gain higher tips; this is how we all make our living. It is also not uncommon to see high spending customers outside of work, usually for lunch, in order to maintain their interest.

I've had two lunches with a man from my club - one of our biggest spenders. Both times I drove myself, and both times I called my boyfriend to let him know when and where I was going and I never stayed longer than lunch. This client does not know where I live, he communicates with me only by cell, and I have the full permission of my boyfriend; in fact, he suggested the lunches.

His parents have caught wind of this and they told him they don't want him to be with me since I'm out "dating other men." I can understand what it must look like to them, it's just not that way nor is it really any of their business. They are making me feel like I've done something wrong even though I haven't and now I don't feel comfortable around his parents. I just don't want to be misunderstood by them. How I can make this situation better?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Say What? Leighton Always Hates Her Boyfriends

TresSugar — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:30:27 -0800

"Honestly, I've hated every boyfriend I've had. . . I don't want to have a boyfriend unless I want to be with him forever. If I don't see an end, that's nice. Because I always see an end."

- Leighton Meester explains that she rarely meets someone she wants to be in a committed relationship with. Do you share her attitude toward relationships?

Front Page: Congress Passes Matthew Shepard Hate-Crime Bill

TresSugar — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 08:00:08 -0700

Congress has passed a bill making violence against LGBT Americans a hate crime. The bill named after Matthew Shepard is now headed to the White House for signature. - LA Times
Roman Polanski is one step closer to being extradited to the US. - AP
The FAA is investigating whether fatigue caused two Northwest Airlines pilots to overshoot the airport by 150 miles earlier this week. - New York Times
Significantly more Americans now doubt global warming. - The Guardian
Fox News founder Roger Ailes is being encourage to run for president in 2012. - Politico

Religious Hate Crimes Down, Except Against Jews

LibertySugar — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 10:00:58 -0700

With last week's news that Missouri sixth-graders had organized "Hit a Jew Day," it appears a new generation of children are being exposed to hateful attitudes towards the traditionally targeted minority.

The total number of religiously motivated hate crimes dropped in 2007, yet the number of crimes directed against a people because of their Jewish religion increased from 2006.

Of the 1,477 crimes perpetrated against victims because of their religion in 2007, 68 percent of them were against Jews. Comparatively, only nine percent of those crimes were perpetrated against Muslims.

Crimes based on race still make up the biggest proportion of hate crimes. While it's promising that overall religious tolerance is growing, let's hope more Americans avoid violence based on hate.

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Should We Separate Hate Speech From Freedom of Speech?

CitizenSugar — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 12:15:24 -0700

If a Canadian magazine publishes an article about the threat Islam places on Western values in a mocking or biting tone - but not any different from what people read on the Internet - is the reaction any different in Canada than it is in the US? Yes. The magazine that published the critical article is now facing trial to decide if it violated a provincial hate-speech law.

The battle between what is hate speech and what is free is complicated in Canada.
In the US the debate has been settled. The First Amendment allows the media to say anything about minority groups and religions - even false, provocative, or hateful things - without legal consequences.

Speech laws in Canada stem from a desire to promote societal harmony. A Canadian human rights commissioner said of the article, "in Canada, the right to freedom of expression is not absolute, nor should it be. By portraying Muslims as all sharing the same negative characteristics, including being a threat to "the West," this explicit expression of Islamophobia further perpetuates and promotes prejudice toward Muslims and others."

One of the article's authors says, "what we're learning here is really the bedrock difference between the United States and the countries that are in a broad sense its legal cousins. Western governments are becoming increasingly comfortable with the regulation of opinion. The First Amendment really does distinguish the US, not just from Canada but from the rest of the Western world."

Is regulation for the sake of harmony a good idea? Should there be a line drawn between hate speech and free speech?

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Is the Sarah Palin Effigy a Hate Crime?

CitizenSugar — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 14:30:16 -0700

Does seasonality determine intent? Here's what I mean. Earlier this fall, a likeness of Obama was hung from a tree at a college in Oregon. Now, a similar display of Sarah Palin in West Hollywood has been determined by the Secret Service to not be a threat. The display is apparently part of a Halloween decorative scene and shows the vice presidential candidate dangling by her neck from the rafters. The display also shows John McCain surrounded by flames coming out of the house's chimney.

The FBI in LA agrees saying, "It's clearly distasteful, but it doesn't appear to be a violation of federal civil rights statutes. Currently, we do not have an investigation open." The local sheriff's department says that it doesn't rise to the level of a hate crime saying, "I'm not defending this; I'm not criticizing it. It doesn't rise to the level of hate crime. Now, if there was a crime against bad taste . . . " The mayor of West Hollywood on the other hand wants it taken down right away. He says, "While these residents have the legal right to display Sen. John McCain and Gov. Sarah Palin in effigy, I strongly oppose political speech that references violence - real or perceived."

View 5 Photos ›

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No US Hate Crime Law, Decade After Matthew Shepard's Death

LibertySugar — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 10:00:14 -0700

Ten years ago today, 21-year-old Matthew Shepard, a gay man, was beaten, tied to a fence, and left to die. Since then 31 states and Washington DC have passed increased punishments for crimes motivated by the victim's sexual orientation. Yet, there is still no federal hate crime law, and FBI stats show that the rate of anti-gay based crimes has remained the same.

The Matthew Shepard Act, which has never made it into law, would have given the federal government more authority to investigate and prosecute hate crimes, and would have expanded victims specifically protected by federal law to include those who are attacked because of disability, gender, sexual orientation, or gender identity.

Should it be a federal offense to commit a crime against persons because of their sexuality, or is too hard to legally define a victim class based on how a criminal defines their sexuality?

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