TresSugar

Have You Ever Cheated?

TresSugar — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

I've read a lot about women cheating on their partners lately.

Yesterday in our Conventional Wisdom column, an agnostic woman offered some advice to a Christian woman who felt guilty for cheating on her husband. And last week an Ohio woman, determined to win back her fiancé, made headlines for standing outside a supermarket wearing a sign that said: "I cheated. Honk if I deserve a second chance." The back read: "I honestly love him."

If there's any insight to be gained from this sign-wearing woman's antics, it's that many cheaters feel an enormous amount of guilt for betraying the person they love. Have you ever been in that situation?

Guilt: It's a Good Thing

TresSugar — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 09:43:12 -0700

Guilt trips get a bad rap, and for good reason: no one likes being made to feel bad. But having a healthy sense of guilt could help you exercise self control. Feeling guilty about stealing something will make you less likely to shoplift; the pangs you feel after a chocolate binge might prevent the next one.

Feeling guilty at a young age could give you more self-control as an adult. A University of Iowa study stretching over several years examined how guilt helps children become more conscientious as they grow up. The sorta mean experiment involved giving children a toy to play with, telling them it was very special and they should be super careful, and then rigging the toy to break. The researchers followed the kids for years afterward, and interestingly, children who felt more guilt - an emotion that starts around age 2 - about the broken toy went on to have fewer behavioral problems as they aged.

But don't get ready to lay on the guilt trips just yet; atonement was also an essential part of the experiment. After making the children feel guilty about the broken toy, the researchers soon told them it wasn't their fault and that the toy could be easily repaired. The lesson: guilt can be constructive, but you have to administer it right. Have you found this to be true in your life?

Sunday Confessional - I Can't Stand To Be Around My Friend and Her Baby

DearSugar — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0800

My best friend recently had a baby. She and her husband tried for years to get pregnant, so when it finally happened for them, she was over-the-moon excited. Since she's had her beautiful baby boy, she's gone above and beyond the call of mom duty, and has completely let all her other relationships fall by the wayside.

As a mother myself, I know how time-consuming caring for a child is, but she has taken things to a whole other level. She's become a huge germaphobe and is reluctant to take her baby outside of her house, she constantly talks in baby voice, and all she ever wants to talk about is babies.

If her friends want to see her, we have to go to her (which is fine at first), but when we do go over, we have to go through a lengthy process of washing our hands and disinfecting everything that comes in contact with the baby. I love my best friend with all my heart, but I have to admit that it pains me to be around her and her child. It's gotten to the point where I make up stories to avoid them and I'm starting to feel incredibly guilty about it. Can I be forgiven?

Submit your own Sunday Confessionals here and see if you are forgiven!

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Sunday Confessional - I Stole From My Grandfather

DearSugar — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 09:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,
I did something horrible and I feel terrible about it.

My grandfather recently asked me to get him some cash from the ATM by his house. He gave me his pin number and instead of getting the $100 he asked for, I took out another $400 for myself without his permission. I lost my job a few weeks ago so money is tight, but I know that is no excuse to steal from my own grandfather, who, mind you, has always been extremely generous to me.

I haven't told anyone about this but I'm petrified that he will find out. I love my grandfather; he is the nicest, most kind man I've ever known and I don't know why I ever took advantage of him like I did. Can I be forgiven for making a mistake I'm truly sorry for?

Submit your own Sunday Confessionals here and see if you are forgiven!

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True Confession - I Feel Guilty For Being Upset About My Ex

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"I'm in an amazing, fulfilling relationship with a man I want to marry someday. I'm blissfully happy with him, so why did my heart fall to the floor when I found out my ex just got engaged?"

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You Asked: How Can I Get Over My Guilt?

DearSugar — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and we've been friends for three years before that. We're very much in love and plan on getting married and having kids. About four years ago I found out that I have HPV which developed into genital warts - I've since had treatment and the warts are gone. I never told my boyfriend for fear that he wouldn't have wanted to be with me, but the guilt was killing me so I told him the truth this week. He reacted very well and we are still together, but I'm a wreck about all this. How can I let go of my guilt so it doesn't affect my relationship any more than it already has? - Remorseful Renata

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Remorseful Renata,

I'm glad to hear that you've told your boyfriend the truth about your HPV, because as I'm sure you know, you can pass it to him even if you have no signs of genital warts. With that said, it's imperative that he gets tested and I urge you to use condoms every time you have sex, if you aren't already taking that preventive measure.

A diagnosis of an STI can go hand-in-hand with a lot of guilt and shame, so if you're still experiencing those feelings, I suggest talking about it with a trusted friend, your boyfriend, or a therapist. You can also call an anonymous hotline - they hire trained individuals who have a wealth of information about all STIs and great tips on how to cope with them. Carrying around any kind of guilt has the ability to eat you up inside, so turn to those around you for support and hopefully now that you've told your boyfriend the truth, your guilt will dissipate with time.

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Handle This: She Wants You to Be Her Maid of Honor

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A friend you used to be really close to throughout high school and college recently reconnected with you after you'd both lost touch. You have nothing against this friend, but most of what made you friends in the first place doesn’t really exist anymore.

You have little in common, but she still pushes your friendship. You've been accommodating so far, but only to be nice. At a recent outing she lets you know how grateful she is for your friendship since she doesn’t have anyone else outside of her fiance. Then she proceeds to ask you to be her maid of honor at her wedding in eight months. You can’t imagine saying no, but you really don’t want to say yes, so how do you handle this?

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Sunday Confessional: I Have Feelings For My Best Friend's Boyfriend

DearSugar — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I've been close with my best friend for nearly eight years. We were roommates in our freshman year of college, and have been practically inseparable ever since. About a year ago she started dating a guy whom we met through a friend of mine. At the time we both had a goofy crush on him, and when they started dating I was happy for her. But as their relationship developed, my feelings for him only grew. We all spend a lot of time together, and I've come to know him really well. I won't go into all the reasons why I feel such a connection with him, but my feelings are incredibly strong. It's gotten to the point where I can't be around them together without experiencing a lot of frustration and sadness.

On the one hand, I'm glad my friend's happy, but on the other, I wish it was me. Though I would never compromise my friendship or their relationship by acting on my emotions, I still feel incredibly guilty for spending so much time thinking about my best friend's man, and even worse, secretly wishing things wouldn't work out for them. Can I be forgiven for these inappropriate feelings?

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You Asked: How Do I Listen to My Instincts?

DearSugar — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

For some time now, my instincts have been telling me to break up with my boyfriend of one year. For the most part I've been happy, but a couple of months ago it seemed like something changed. And while I'm not sure if he's become different, or if I'm just not willing to tolerate certain things anymore - he can be very harsh and unkind - I know that something in my gut is telling me it's time to get away.

Every time I work up my courage to end things, he says something that convinces me I'm wrong and makes me feel incredibly guilty. He always promises to try harder and work on whatever it is that's hurting me but nothing ever changes. How do I fight through the guilt and break up once and for all?

- Calling It Quits Callie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Calling It Quits Callie,

I'm glad that you're listening to your instincts enough to know that it's time for you to leave your relationship, now it's just a matter of following through. I understand why you feel torn; your boyfriend sounds very convincing, but a promise to change is only worth something if the person follows through. And if your boyfriend didn't change the first time around, I guarantee he's not about to suddenly do it now. Eventually things will have to come to an end, so you can either put it off and continue to let it weigh on your mind or call it quits now and start moving on with your life.

While guilt is a normal feeling during a breakup, you don't owe it to your boyfriend to stay. As long as you're respectful and kind, you have nothing to feel guilty about. So next time you work up your courage, don't give time for negotiations. Get up and leave or hang up the phone, just get yourself away from the situation before he can start spouting false promises. Be clear that this time you're not willing to try to work things out. As always, call on your friends and family members for support; I'm sure they can remind you why you're making the right choice. I know it's hard, but trust me, you'll feel so much better once it's done.

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Sunday Confessional: I Want to Leave Her

DearSugar — Sun, 27 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

My girlfriend and I are both 24 years old and have been together for nearly four years. Two years ago we were in a terrible car accident together. I was driving at the time, when an oncoming car swerved across our lane. I walked away with chronic back problems, but my girlfriend was critically injured. She spent two weeks in the hospital, where she had multiple surgeries to fix her broken arms and legs. She did eventually recover, but she has a very bad scar that runs the entire length of her face; she looks like a different person.

At the time, I struggled with extensive amounts of guilt over what had happened to her. I did everything to be a good boyfriend while she recovered; I worked closely with her through her rehabilitation and was always there for her. Once she was doing better, we started focusing on our relationship again. We've been making it work, with ups and downs of course, but overall we've been happy. However, in the last couple months, I've found myself longing for something else.

I care about my girlfriend deeply, and I think that we'll always have a connection, but I don't love her the same way I used to. Based on a few conversations, I know that my girlfriend and our families assume that we'll marry because of what's happened. I don't want to abandon her - she still copes daily with her appearance and physical pain - and I don't want to disappoint our families, but I'm just not sure that's what I want. Can I ever be forgiven if I walk away from this relationship?

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