TresSugar

Do Tell: How Did Your Friendships Change Over Time?

DearSugar — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 07:00:00 -0700

When you've known someone a long time, it's inevitable that you'll experience bumps along the road, but with some friends, those growing pains are more frequent. With age comes maturity and a greater sense of awareness, and sometimes the things that didn't affect us before become serious issues in our present relationships. Friendships can either grow stronger or farther apart over time, so if you've ever struggled with an old friendship, do tell, what changed over the years and what obstacles did you both have to overcome to make your friendship work?

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What Was the Most Trivial Part of Your 20s?

DearSugar — Fri, 02 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

The ladies from Sex and the City were on Oprah yesterday and while their visit was mainly all about the movie, they touched upon some other hot topics as well, age being one of them. All the women, including Oprah herself, were in agreement when saying their 20s were overrated, in fact Kristen Davis went so far to say that she was "kind of unhappy" in her 20s and she didn't know who she was. As someone that's about to be 30 myself, (gasp!!) I'm intrigued to see what all the hype's about. I get that your 20s is a confusing time, a time of self-discovery and trial and error, but I've got to be honest, my 20s weren't all that bad! Of course, I had my fair share of ups and downs, but all in all, I can't complain. So to all you 30-plus women out there, what was the most trivial time in your 20s? Are you with the SATC's girls - were your 20s not all that great in comparison to where you are now?

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Do Tell: What Growing Pains Do you Still Feel?

DearSugar — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 07:00:00 -0800

When we enter new chapters in our lives, especially early adulthood, I think it's safe to say we all experience growing pains. The unknown can be incredibly intimidating and that trial-and-error period can leave you with many highs but many lows as well. Since none of us are getting any younger, do tell, what growing pains do you still feel?

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BTW, Your Parents Are Breaking Up, Love Alan Thicke

TresSugar — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 07:00:00 -0700

This can't be real, yet Alan Thicke was never known for humor. Plus, this video seems to be capitalizing on his role as a psychiatrist on Growing Pains. Picture Alan Thicke popping a balloon and saying he can never get that balloon back as a metaphor for your parents parting. Now watch it . . .

Ask a Yankee Doodle Dandy: Is 30 Old?

TresSugar — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 06:00:03 -0700

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. To help us wrap up this past patriotic weekend, a person born on the Fourth of July will offer her common sense advice today. You can submit questions here.

Today's Question:

I'm almost 31-years-old and single. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years about two years ago because he cheated on me and I could not live with that any longer. I was scared to be alone, but I hoped to find someone who loved me and stood by me. Well it's been two years and nothing. I actually have been jilted by three guys whom I liked. They all came on strong and then just vanished. I've gone over it a hundred times in my head to see if I was doing anything to drive them away, but came up with nothing. So I don't know why three guys thought I was not worthy of being with. I'm finding it really hard to meet anyone now. I'm feeling disillusioned and my self-esteem has taken a beating for sure.

What's not helping is that I have a 25-year-old co-worker who is also a friend. She does not let one day go without reminding me how young she is and how everything is working out in her life. She is going to school for what she wanted and quitting the job that we work at together. She puts the job down, she puts me down for being 30. I'm just tired of listening to it.

Well between being single and listening to her talk like this, I feel like my life totally sucks. I feel like such a failure for being single still . . . for being at this job . . . for just about everything.

What do I do?

To see what our Yankee Doodle Dandy has to say, read more.

Dear 30-year-old,

No matter how badly you are feeling right now, I feel like I should be directing my advice to your poor co-worker. Why is she so unhappy? She may act like she has it all, but trust me - something is eating away at her and that's why she is picking on you. When a person feels good about herself, she naturally wants to spread happiness. But don't waste your time trying to figure out her problem; just treat her kindly and make excuses to avoid hanging around her.

Now about you. I am sorry that you have had lousy situations with these guys. Obviously men find you date-able, but you have not met the right one. Oh well, you're only 30 years old; you've got so much time ahead of you. There are many women that I know who are in desirable committed relationships with men that they met after they were 35. The secret is: don't be influenced by guys who come on strong. When you meet a man, be sure to be yourself so he knows who you are from the beginning. Develop a relaxed attitude about dating. There is something very attractive about a woman who is slightly disinterested. Concentrate for a few months on being good to yourself. How about a little splurge to compensate for this dating pain? A facial, expensive purse, tickets to an opera?

About your job. If you really don't like it, investigate other opportunities. In this recession, you may want to thank your stars that you have a job, and find ways to grow a little at work. (Do not discuss this with your co-worker.) Every Monday, go into the office with a plan to do something differently, to change a routine. And each week, determine, by your actions and words, to improve the mood of one person at work, in your family, or circle of friends.

A wonderful love is in your future, and then you will experience not only fireworks, but also the lasting glow of a Roman candle.

Marijuana Supporters Think Legalization Is Coming- Do You?

TresSugar — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 11:00:00 -0700

April 20 has long been considered marijuana's unofficial holiday. Fans of the drug-in-exile gather for weed-fueled concerts, festivals, or college smokeouts. But today's widespread use won't change the fact that marijuana is illegal. High on hope, advocates think the legalization debate is moving from the fringe (and Sean Paul songs) to the mainstream.

There have been some signs of modest movement toward legalization. Obama's Justice Department declared that it will no longer prosecute those who get high for medical purposes. In California, state lawmakers have also introduced legislation that would legalize recreational pot. The reason? It's not compassion for those undergoing physical pain, but rather because of cold hard cash - if taxed, the green cash crop could bring in billions for the state.

But if you ask Obama, like many people did during his online townhall, he has no plans to legalize pot. He doesn't think it's a good strategy to grow our economy. I guess Obama assumes Americans would be too stoned to get to work.

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Headline of the Day

GiggleSugar — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 10:20:00 -0800

Mother Spent Hours on Roller-Coaster Ride - Unaware She Was Pregnant and About to Give Birth

Why worry about prenatal vitamins, prenatal care, doulas, midwives, and Lamaze classes - when you can just go to Great America and induce labor the fun way? 21-year-old Issy Murdo spent a day riding upside down on roller coasters at an amusement park but couldn't figure out why days later she was in excruciating pain. She was informed she was preggers. (How could you not know?!) Issy thought all that time her ankles were swollen from standing up all day at the pub where she works. (What about her swollen belly?!) Wow. All's well that ends well, and one day later little Oscar came into the world. He'll probably love roller coasters when he grows up. Click here to read more about this ridiculous story.

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Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: Does He Have True Feelings For Me?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 09:17:24 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I’m an elegant, attractive, educated and well-spoken 37-year-old woman. After nothing but eight long years of dating horror stories, three months ago I met a really attractive, sexy, open, bright, educated, and interesting 40-year-old man who was well raised and comes from a very nice family.

Since then we have been seeing each other up to three to four times a week, including sleepovers at both my house and his. Given that we both talk openly with one another about desiring marriage and a family, we realize the need, and share the same interest in spending lots of quality time together. We also realize that by doing so, we have put our relationship on a rather fast track. That can be an exciting thing to do, but it can have some major pitfalls too that are rather unexpected.

So, the major issue we are contending with has to do with altogether too frequent discussion and many detailed references to past relationships - on both sides. Honestly, my new man opened this line of communication with me very early into our relationship. I believed at that time, and appreciated, that it was purely for informational purposes - not to make me jealous and certainly not to showboat. In turn, I felt safe opening up about my past heartbreaks in order to let him know he was in good company, but that I was serious minded about him and what we could build together based on what lessons we had cultivated from our past choices and subsequent disappointments.

But now, three months later, I am growing increasingly concerned by his constant references to not only the most recent failed relationship (nothing more than an extended "Summer fling" type of love affair with a seriously-troubled woman in her mid-30s), but also to the many women he has dated over the last 20 years. How he remembers so much detail is beyond me. I can scarcely recall what any of my exes looked like in the nude, nor do I care to recall for that matter. I have pointed out several times how much better it would be for me, and for us, to converse about more interesting and more appropriate things. We do, by the way, laugh often and have a wide range of topics that we chat about. And he has been agreeable each time to my request. But then, at some point soon after, he launches into yet another story or analysis of what might have been wrong with so andso or how hurt he was when his attempts to help and/or intervene with this one or that one failed. To me, he seems hung up on the past failed relationships.

But the most damaging thing of all is that he provides me with far too much detail about past sexual matters. Sometimes he tells me that sex with so and so was awful, then he recants and says that in the beginning with her he actually really enjoyed it. It is becoming more clear to me as I grow to know him that almost every single lady he has been with since he was in high school had serious emotional and/or psychological problems. We're talking about family histories of severe alcoholism and physical abuse, women with eating disorders, girlfriends who may have been sexually abused by parental figures, rape, neglect, poverty, etc.

Yet again, this is just the beginning so read more!!!

His most recent ex-girlfriend currently works as a high-school special education teacher, but at night and on weekends she sells drugs (pot, pills) out of her basement, to some of these same students she teaches by day!

My most recent mistake was a relationship with a man I came to view as secretive, commitment phobic, and probably living some kind of double life. I think the whole affair was one great big lie. Admittedly, it was a traumatic bond and a most painful experience for me. It has now been a year since I ended that nightmare, and sufficient time has passed so that I am more than ready, not to mention eager, to move on.

My new man, however, did not make a clean break from his most recent affair with the teacher, and when he met me he was still interacting with her. I cannot be sure how often. He finally informed me last week that he recently received a long-winded letter from her, filled to the brim with apologetic words and sorrowful language and leaving no doubt in my mind that she would like to pick it up where they left off and try again. He insists that he is over her, well aware that he'd be stupid to ever go back to her, that he is happy with me, that I blow her out of the ballpark in terms of just about everything. But my anxiety grows by the day and I am uncomfortable and uncertain of his true feelings for me, and for her. I have an impossible time anymore taking a man at his word. Burned a few too many times I guess. Help!!! - Connected in Buffalo

Buffalo, My Luv,

The man is a giant ass.

His being an ass, however, is beside the point. You must deal with the genuine travesty here, which is this: You’ve told us that his “most recent” girlfriend is a special education teacher, and that she’s selling drugs to kids - not only to kids - but to her special kids who need extra care.

This is murderous! The drugs she sells to the kids may interact with their medications. The effects of the interactions - memory loss, hallucinations, convulsions, seizures, brain damage, car crashes, death - if I listed just the obvious ones would take up the whole page here on DearSugar. So call the police at once. Also alert the Board of Education. The women needs to be in jail by tonight.

I’ve never heard of such a weak, deluded, manipulative, talky-talky, embarrassing excuse for a man in my life.

That this “bright, educated, and interesting” boyfriend of yours didn’t stop his drug-pushing “Summer fling” from imperiling the children in her care tells me everything I need to know about him.

This is not a man a smart woman would ever consider as a husband and father. Underneath that “nice family” veneer, he’s a 40-year-old narcissistic pantywaist. He’s so involved with himself and all the sex he had with screwed-up, alcoholic, sexually-abused women in the past, he will never see you for the healthy, worthy, lovely woman who you are.

Get rid of him, Miss Buffalo! You can do a thousand times better.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: I'm a Total Basketcase!

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 10:00:52 -0700

Sit tight, Sugar darlings: This is a long and juicy letter!

Dear E. Jean,

OK, you ready? My two middle school children decided for themselves to fabricate some claims about me so they could live with their dad, who buys them everything they want and lets them go anywhere they want.

Me? I won't do those things, and even if I could, I'm not able to. I am on disability for fibromyalgia and have a very low income. So because they thought the only way they could make it possible to live with their dad would be to make horrible accusations about me, my visitation has been suspended until it goes to court. Yes, I have an attorney. And, yes he sucks, but I had to beg and borrow to hire him and now I'm stuck.

I also recently ended a six-year relationship with a man who, by the way, is still married to his wife. He has a son. He did not want to pay child support, so he kept stringing me along for those six years with the promise of, "I'll get a divorce in the next few months when we get caught up on bills so I can afford an attorney." Hook, line, and sinker, that’s how hard I fell for this. I tell you what, at the time I even thought I was being so loving and patient - ha! So I booted him out once and for all!

(That's just the beginning! So read more.)

You don't know the days that all I could manage to do was cry. I would be so depressed that I couldn't eat, sleep, or even go out to check the mail. However, recently, I've been getting out on weekends and have made some friends. I’ve gone out with a couple of real jerks and I’ve gone out with a couple of really nice, handsome, very successful men. But the nice ones don't want me after they find out about the disability. I feel like damaged goods or like I'm defective in some way, when really I have quite a few good days, where I am able to get out, go dancing, or do whatever I feel like doing.

My current issue is a new man I met online. We had been talking about a month online then decided to meet. He is sooo much fun, funny, down to earth, successful, and gorgeous as all get out! He is just the perfect picture of who I want to be with. The issue? He wants to have children someday, and I had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis. He told me on the phone today that he realized that I wanted a relationship (without me saying a word about that because I didn't want to scare him away) and he admired the fact that I could be so full of love and open with my heart with no fear, but right now he just wants to be friends.

He said that he really had to think about him wanting to be a father and the fact that I was not able to bear anymore children. That hurt worse than if he would have just dropped me like a piece of trash!

I broke down and started crying on the phone when he said this. Well, he felt bad that he had hurt me like that and called back a few minutes later inviting me to go to PetSmart. He told me to bring my little dog so he could pay to get her toenails trimmed. He bought her a new leash and he paid to put gas in my car. (About $125 for just those three things).

After I left his house, I took a walk with my dog for two hours. When I got home, I wrote him a simple email that said, "I am sorry I started crying on the phone earlier. I'm OK now after a long walk to get my head straight. I am happy to have your friendship. I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I think I'll put it in my pocket for safe keeping. Talk to ya later." I honestly thought I would never hear from him again. That was basically my goodbye.

As soon as he read that email, he called me. I took every ounce of energy I could find to sound chipper on the phone. I kept the conversation very brief. Then, as soon as we hung up, he starts IMing me. We chatted for over an hour about simple trivial things. He said that he was going to bed and would talk to me tomorrow.

I am left sitting here past 2 a.m. with band-aids on six of my fingertips (when I get nervous, I bite my nails), wondering what in the heck is going on! I'm a friggin' basketcase! I know this is a lot to get advice on, but trust me. I could really use some. Not even my therapist can keep up with everything that is going on with me right now! - All Messed Up and Lonely in Tennessee

Dear Miss Messed,

You are wrong, my darling. I do not have "a lot" of advice for you. I have no doubt that you are quite charming, but alas, I have read your insufferably long letter, and your excruciating selfishness, immaturity, and juvenile idiocy comes through with every line.

Your children left you - brought "horrible accusations" against you - and you're writing because you're a basketcase over a man who had your dog's toenails trimmed?

Grow up, hunny. Get your priorities straight. Stop thinking about yourself for one half-second and realize there are other people on this planet. Like your kids.

The one piece of advice I do have for you is this: Take the band-aids off, stop bawling, cease trolling for dudes online, and get a job. Fibromyalgia is painful. Fibromyalgia is a bitch. But you gotta play the hand you were dealt, girl, or be a loser the rest of your life.

Get a job! Get a job! Get a job! Get a job! Get a job! Get a job! A job will bring in money. A job will boost your feelings of self-worth. A job will help you gain your self-respect. A job will give your kids a mother to admire. Every problem you have comes from the fact that you’re a superficial, man-crazy, irresponsible lackwit who lays around the house carping and bellyaching and doing nothing to help herself.

And don’t tell me about the pain. I know from pain. Get a job.

P.S. About that line in your letter that says "the nice (men) don’t want me after they find out about the disability." The guys are not turned off because you have an unfortunate medical disorder, my dear; they are turned off because you are a helpless, rather thoughtless woman who lost your own kids because you would not get a job and fight for them.

No sane man would want a woman like that.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

You Asked: Why Do We Keep Fighting?

DearSugar — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. After much thought and discussion, we decided to move in together. The first month things seemed to be going very well. We had to make obvious adjustments to each other's lifestyles, but all in all, we seemed to be managing things well. Recently, however, we have been bickering about a lot of little insignificant things and we both don't understand why these arguments never arose before. It's very frustrating. We spent two years in a long distance relationship and now that we are finally together, we are at each other's throats! Is this something that I should be concerned about, or is this just another step in the relationship that is going to take time? - Cohabiting Casandra

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Cohabiting Casandra,

Since you spent two years in a long-distance relationship, it's no wonder that you and your boyfriend are having some growing pains. Going from having your own space to living with someone is a huge adjustment, so my first suggestion is to sit tight and give yourselves time to work through the kinks.

Since these arguments are over petty, insignificant things, try to keep the lines of communication open and talk things out before they blow up into something bigger - sometimes taking a step back and thinking before you speak can make a real difference. Compromise is also really important when living with someone. It's perfectly normal for you guys to get bugged by each other every once in a while - arguing from time to time is healthy and normal - but try to keep things in perspective and remember to pick your battles. If you're annoyed about him leaving dirty dishes in the sink, just ask him not to do it next time. If he is irritated that your hair is on the bathroom floor, make more of an effort to clean it up. Cohabiting for the first time takes an adjustment period, but after you figure everything out, I promise that it'll be a lot of fun. Hang in there and remember to be open and honest about your feelings and ask him to do the same.

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