TresSugar

Group Therapy: I Don't Want to Give Up on Us

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and have been living together for most of that time. In the first eight months, we were rocky - we broke up twice for brief periods. He had some serious issues and a wall that I couldn't get passed. After we broke up the second time, we finally worked through his personal issues that were holding us back. We haven't had any serious problems since then.

We have gone through some spells where I doubted us, but they've always been temporary. But in the last few months I'm having more serious doubts; I just feel like we aren't going to make it. I really want us to, but it just seems like we keep growing apart. We have sex only three or four times a month. I know we both want to be happy, but we just keep butting heads. He loves me, and the majority of the time I end up being the bad guy in our disputes. I don't really respect him, and I'm not sure he's truly what I want. But I do love him. I want him to be the one I want. I want us to work it out. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Is this even possible? Any advice?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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The How-To Lounge: Keeping in Touch With Old Friends

DearSugar — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Often, even if we have the best of intentions, life tends to get in the way of staying in touch with the people that we care about. It’s easy to put off a phone call for one week and watch it turn into four, until finally a year’s gone by without a single word exchanged. Before you know it, you’ve inadvertently lost a friend that you really cared about and enjoyed having in your life. To check out tips on avoiding this common problem, read more.

There’s no doubt about it, keeping in touch is hard work, but it should be worth it. If making the effort doesn’t seem worth it, then perhaps the person in mind isn’t really someone you want to remain friends with, in which case don’t bother. It sounds harsh, but you'll save yourself a big serving of guilt later on.
Once you’ve made the decision to make the effort, then it’s time to start following through. Schedule your calendar once a month to remind yourself to send an email or make a phone call. Make sure to note all the important dates that pertain to that person, too - their birthday, wedding, graduation, etc.
When your reminder goes off, it’s possible you won't have enough time to devote to a full catch-up call. If that’s the case, make the call a quick one and talk to your friend about setting up a phone date sometime soon. Everyone has time for a two-minute phone call to let the person know that they’re too busy to talk right then, and although a phone date might sound silly, it's a great way to make time without rescheduling your life.
If you haven’t called in a few months or forgot to call her back the last time she called, don’t let yourself continue to avoid calling out of guilt. It'll only make things worse, and of course, the more time that passes the more difficult it will be to pick up that phone.

It truly is invaluable to have people in your life that you’ve shared memories with and who've seen you grow into yourself, so make it work even it means planning ahead!

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Group Therapy: Should I Let My Best Friend Drift Away?

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 14:00:00 -0700

I love my best friend. She's a great girl, and our friendship has brought tons of joy into our lives. However, we're at this stage in life where things are changing for both of us - I just graduated from college, and she's still in school. She has a serious boyfriend, and I'm very single. I understand that since we're not doing the exact same things anymore, its harder to get together, and I respect the fact that her boyfriend or classes will come before me a lot of the time. But lately I feel like she's been completely nonexistent. When we do try to get together, it's near impossible, and when I feel like I really need to talk to my best friend, I hesitate to call because I wonder if she'll really be listening.

I have a special event coming up where I expected her to be, and predictably, she's not going to be able to come. I'm really frustrated and totally hurt! Should I just let things be and watch our friendship grow apart or make more of an effort to be a part of her life?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: Are We Growing Apart?

DearSugar — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 03:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and he just doesn't seem to have any time for me anymore. He tells me everyday that he loves me, but I've only seen him twice over the past week. I feel like we are growing apart. I love him more than anything so can you tell me what I should do? Should I stay with him or let him go his way and I go mine? - At a Loss Laurie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear At a Loss Laurie,

Feeling like you're growing apart from the man you love is a terrible feeling, but let's make sure you're not over reacting here. Having to juggle work, family, friends and a relationship can be incredibly difficult, especially when you're trying to please everyone. Has he been over loaded with work or preoccupied with anything lately? Have you only felt the distance this week or has this been an ongoing issue?

When you're together with someone for three years, the honeymoon period can feel like a distant memory, but you can get the romance back with a little effort from both of you. Try making a few date nights per week so you're guaranteed time together. Add some excitement back into your relationship - surprise him with a candle lit dinner or take him away for the weekend so you can reconnect.

If your female intuition is telling you you're growing apart despite his efforts of telling you he loves you, the only thing you can do is talk to him about your feelings. Ask him what you can do to get things back on track but don't give up without putting up a fight. I wish you luck and hopefully you're just having an off week.

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Growing Up, Growing Apart

DearSugar — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 11:00:00 -0800

Most of us enter our first serious, long-term relationship in our 20s, and even if it doesn't lead us to the altar, it usually gets us thinking about marriage. And yet, whether it's personality and values or career and financial stability, our twenties are chock full with uncertainty - it's the time when we discover who we are and what we want from life. Because of these constant changes, often the person we believed was the one doesn't turn out to be.

With a little hindsight, it's easy to point out the ways in which you and your significant other have changed over the course of your relationship. Although it certainly takes a commitment on both sides, I do believe it's possible to grow together rather than apart. Do you agree? What's your advice when it comes to growing apart or together?

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You Asked: Should I Let Our Friendship Fade?

DearSugar — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

In high school I had a best friend who I was really close with. In the beginning of college, I started getting interested in vegetarianism and yoga. She didn't understand at first, but then became a devout follower. Over the past few years I have eased up on my tight restrictions. I feel that I have found a good balance between living purely and enjoying the world humans have created.

My friend, however, has stayed at the radical end of things. I feel like she looks down on everything that doesn't fit her vision of acceptable. That is, until she goes through it herself. Last year she thought that I was a nonindependent woman for doing most of the household chores (because my boyfriend worked more and paid most of the bills). Now she is in the same situation and is fine with it. I saw her last week and told her about my boyfriend's great new job and all she had to say was "Doesn't it bother you that one of his clients is Nike since they use sweatshops?"

We have a long and precious history together, but I am starting to feel like I can't tell her anything without having judgment thrown against me. I feel like if I tried to explain my feelings to her, she wouldn't even understand since she is so far on that side of the fence. I feel like she is on such a high horse and is just following the crowd instead of making choices for herself. Should I try to keep the connection alive and risk judgment of my choices or should I let the old friendship fade?

-Less than Perfect but Perfectly Happy Harriet

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Less than Perfect but Perfectly Happy Harriet,

It sounds like your friend is extremely opinionated. It's great that she holds onto her beliefs, but doesn't she see that they are getting in the way of your friendship? I know you're nervous to talk to her, but you've got to tell her how you feel if you want this friendship to last. Explain that you respect her views and you would appreciate that she respects yours as well. Tell her that you feel like she is always making you feel bad about your decisions and that you don't feel like she's being a very supportive friend. You never know, she may not even realize that's she's acting like such a judgmental friend.

The thing is, when you're in your early 20s, you go through a lot of changes trying to figure out who you're going to be. It may turn out that your differences are way too vast to make this relationship work. Losing a friend is never easy, especially when you have a tight history together, so you should at least give it one last shot before you let it fade completely out. Good luck.

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You Asked: Should I Cut My Losses Now?

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been dating about six months and I was seriously considering marrying him a month ago. He is gentle, humble, passionate, and I just know he'll be a great father. The problem is he's unemployed. He was a subcontractor in the construction industry and he loved his job, but the construction industry has just fallen apart in our town. I thought I would be able to handle this but the truth is, he doesn't really know how to do anything else and there are no jobs in sight.

We've talked about money and it's clear his parents taught him nothing. Even though he is 30 and has a really nice car and apartment, he has no savings of any kind and no health insurance (it's too expensive since he's self-employed). To make matters worse, I have a very stable job as a high school teacher. The fact that my job is not in jeopardy (yet) just makes me feel worse about everything. I'm not trying to rub it in his face, but at the same time, my parents struggled when I was growing up and I picked my job specifically so I would never have to worry about unemployment. The longer he goes without work, the more our relationship gets strained. I can handle not going out and I am fine with teaching him about money if he wants to learn, but I feel like he should be much more proactive in his job search. I don't want to throw away an otherwise great relationship over this, but at the same time, I know that a lot of couples divorce over money and I am starting to understand why. Should I cut my losses now or give him more time to pick himself up again? - Disappointed Diana

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Disappointed Diana,

I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend lost his job - it's a very scary time right now so I understand your concerns. With that said, he won't be unemployed forever so if you can accept his situation for the time being, I agree, it's not worth throwing away an otherwise seemingly good relationship. If you stay together, yes, you'll have to make some adjustments in your life, you might even have to pick up some of the slack, but I'm sure he'd do the same for you if the roles were reversed.

If you feel that he's not making an effort to find work, either in his field or another field for now, that's another story. You can do your part to support him and teach him about money, but he's a grown adult and it's his responsibility to make his future and his career a priority. I wish you luck during these difficult times - hopefully there's a light at the end of the tunnel for you both.

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You Asked: Is It Too Late to Mend Our Friendship?

DearSugar — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

Last year I went to visit one of my best friends in Chicago. Before I had arrived, she mentioned that she cut her hair really short. A few years ago when I did the same thing, she would tease me about it, so the night I arrived, in joking, I said something about her new "boy" do. I reassured her later that night that I was just teasing, but during my visit I couldn't help but feel that she was distant towards me.
After I left, she stopped returning my phone calls and when I would see her online, she would not respond to my IMs. After about a month, she finally called me to let me know that I had really hurt her feelings. I apologized and I reiterated that I was only joking with her, but I'm not sure I made things better because I pointed out that she had teased me when I had my hair cut that short, too. She reminded me that she's a lot more sensitive than I am and told me I should have known better. I apologized and thought we had worked everything out, but I haven't talked to her in over a year. I left her messages on her birthday, on Christmas, and on New Year's last year, but I haven't heard a peep in response so I decided to give her some space.

I miss her terribly and want nothing more than to have my friend back so should I call her and make another attempt to mend our relationship, or should I just respect her obvious decision not to talk to me and just leave it at that? - Cut Out Constance

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Cut Out Constance,

It sounds like your friend was incredibly sensitive about her new hair cut and, in my opinion, overreacted. Are you sure there was nothing else bothering her? The fact that she's gone radio silent for over a year makes me think there is something deeper behind her anger towards you. It's pretty clear that she isn't going to make the first move to rekindle this friendship, so if you miss her, I say reach out again - you have nothing to lose.

Since she doesn't seem to answer her phone when you make attempts to call, I'd write her an email or send a card. She's explained that she's more sensitive than you so I advise you to take a tender tone - I might not even talk about the incident at all. What happened is in the past now, so try to focus on the future. Let her know how much you miss her friendship and ask what you can do to make things right in the new year, for a new friendship. Unfortunately, friends grow apart, so once you say your piece, it'll be up to her if she wants to mend things - I hope she does. Good luck!

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Do Tell: How Did Your Friendships Change Over Time?

DearSugar — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 07:00:00 -0700

When you've known someone a long time, it's inevitable that you'll experience bumps along the road, but with some friends, those growing pains are more frequent. With age comes maturity and a greater sense of awareness, and sometimes the things that didn't affect us before become serious issues in our present relationships. Friendships can either grow stronger or farther apart over time, so if you've ever struggled with an old friendship, do tell, what changed over the years and what obstacles did you both have to overcome to make your friendship work?

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The How-To Lounge: Giving a Relationship Another Try

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Just because a relationship ends, doesn’t mean that your feelings suddenly come to a screeching halt too. In fact, sometimes without that person in your life, your feelings can grow, and you can be left with the longing to try things over again. Certainly I’ve seen many couples try to give their relationship another go, but not all are successful. So I’ve come up with some things to consider when giving a past relationship another shot. To see them read more.

Some may disagree with me, but I don’t think it’s actually possible to start fresh. The mistakes you made before will always be with you into the future, so there’s no point in pretending that they don’t exist. Instead, embrace them and learn from them. What did they teach you about yourself and each other as a couple?
Although it’s possible for people to change, truth be told, unless it’s been a very long time apart or one of you has gone through some serious life-altering events, it’s unlikely that either of you has drastically changed. But that’s OK; it doesn’t mean that it can’t work out. But don’t rely on the “change” you’ve both experienced to fix things. This is going to take real work.
You need to be clear about what your needs are, both in the short-term and the long-term. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you’ll just make it work because you now realize how much you love each other. That’s not reality, and just like at the beginning of a totally new relationship those feelings fade with time.
Finally, figure out exactly what you want for yourself out of this. Are you willing to do whatever it takes? How long are you willing to put aside to see if it’s working again? These are important questions to keep in mind as you go through this process. They’ll keep you clear-thinking and grounded.

Healing a wounded relationship is a hard road so be ready for the challenges along the way.

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