TresSugar

Dear Poll: Do You Like to Stand Out in a Crowd?

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 16:00:00 -0700

I’m an observer by nature, but that's not to say I suddenly become shy in a group setting. In fact, I'm happy to be the leader of the pack now and then. Even so, the idea of having all eyes on me does send a shiver down my spine and get my heart racing. But some people are at their best when they can stand out in a crowd. Does that sound like you?

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Relationship Protocol: Do You Mix His Friends With Yours?

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Doing just about anything with a group can be tricky. The more people, the more opinions and personalities are butting up against one another. And combining two groups together can upset any kind of balance that’s already been achieved, which is often the case when you try to combine your friends with your boyfriend’s. Even so, I think it’s worth a try, since establishing a group of mutual friends is completely convenient when it comes to socializing. What do you think? Do you mix your friends with his? Or are they both fairly separate?

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The How-To Lounge: Going Out With a Group

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Enjoying a night or weekend with a group is almost always a strange mix of fun and frustration. As exciting as a good group dynamic might be, it can also be difficult to manage. If everyone starts tugging in different directions, it’s not uncommon for tension to build. If you encounter your share of group outings, read my ideas for making them a bit easier and read more.

It helps to know ahead of time what you’re dealing with. It is a group of five? 10? 20? It’s much easier to deal with a large group when your mind is in the right place.
If there’s a meal involved, make sure to bring cash so you won't have issue when it comes to splitting the tab - you don’t want to be stuck throwing down your card and paying twice as much as everyone else. In fact, it’s an even better idea to ask for your portion to be on a separate tab right when you sit down.
Get ready to go with the flow. Mingling with a group is a more pleasant experience if you don’t try to lead the pack. Instead, try being as adaptable as possible.
Don’t feel like you have to do something you really don’t want to do. Though being easygoing is important in a group setting, you’re still an individual. Don’t let your needs or concerns be stepped on.
Finally, act the way you want the rest of the group to be. If you want it to be a high-energy night, then you have to project that attitude. Whereas if you want it to be mellow, then reflect that in your conversation and actions. One person can really affect the mood of the entire group.

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Are You an Introvert or Extravert?

DearSugar — Wed, 05 Sep 2007 08:30:00 -0700

According to Myers-Briggs personality test, we are either naturally introverted or extraverted. It doesn't necessarily mean you either prefer hanging out with other people or by yourself - rather it refers to the determination of your source of energy. Check out this chart and tell me if you are an introvert or extravert.

Extroverts...	Introverts...
Tend to be more naturally active, expressive, social. They talk more than they listen. They think out loud. They act and then think. Are interested in many things, they have many hobbies. Can sometimes be easily distracted. Prefer being around people a lot. They have high amounts of energy. You are extraverted if being with people gets you excited and energizes you.	Tend to be more reserved, quiet, cautious. They listen more than they talk. They think quietly in their head. They think and then act. Are interested in fewer things, but with a greater amount of focus and depth. Have powers of high concentration. Feel comfortable being alone. They have quiet, calm energy. You are introverted if hanging out in a crowd makes you feel tired.

How Do I Handle This Strip Club Situation?

Tres Community — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 06:00:15 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

First of all my husband and I have been married for half of a year now. He's in the Navy and just got deployed, but right before the deployment he was sent to Hawaii for one day. I dropped him off at the airport and it was so hard for me to let him go. He called from Hawaii and we talked for five minutes then he said he had to go and he would call back.

As I was checking our bank account to check on the bills I noticed he had paid to go in to some type of club. While crying my eyes out because of how much I already missed him and knowing he wasn't coming home any time soon, I waited for him to call back. When he finally did I got him to tell me the truth and it turned out to be a strip club. This was his first time going into a strip club. The problem is that I feel so offended and disrespected. I know I'm not unattractive, and I'm very open minded in our sex life. So to me it seems as if I'm not enough for him, and that he didn't care about how I feel about strip clubs. The fact that he was lusting over those girls makes me so angry and upset.

To see the rest, .

When we talked I was so mad and disappointed and couldn't stop crying. But after a while I realized that I've been told not to say anything negative or upsetting to him since he was going on deployment to a very stressful environment. I won't be able to talk to him at all while he's gone, I can only send emails but I can't confront him there either. So I had to pretend that I got over it and that I was OK, so he wouldn't feel bad and guilty. But in reality I feel so disgusted and can't take the thought of him wanting someone else. I'm alone and don't have any family here, this is our first deployment and I'm still trying to handle it. He made things so much worse for me, now I'm not just worried about his safety, but also at the thought of when he goes to a port he's going to cheat on me. I'm just hurt and feel resentment towards him, but for as long as he's out I have to pretend I'm fine and support him through the emails. I know some people might think I'm over reacting, but to me this is just like cheating.

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

Hump Day: Sex Makes Her Uncomfortable

TresSugar — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:30:23 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. If you have questions about sex, send them to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:
I'm 24 and in my first relationship. I really like the guy, we've been going out for six months, but I get nervous whenever he slips his hand under my underwear. He gets the hint and stops. I don't mind him doing other things (we haven't slept together yet), but I wish I wasn't such a prude. I don't know what he expects and I worry that he will be grossed out, as I only shave/wax the bikini line but not the whole thing. What if he thinks it is ugly? I also don't know what I should expect; he knows I'm a virgin, but I don't know how to speak to him about why I get uncomfortable, and I don't know how to overcome it! I also have a few stretch marks and worry that he will be grossed out by them. Please help?

To read Dr. Glickman's response, read more.

Thank you for sharing this challenging situation. I know that it can be scary to talk about things like this, but these are all really common thoughts.

One of the things that can help when you’re on the edge of your comfort zone is to take it very slowly. It’ll probably help to tell your guy about your discomfort, even if you can’t tell him why it’s there. You could simply say "I have a lot of discomfort around sex." You also might want to do a little solo exploration. It takes the pressure off because there aren’t any partner expectations. Check out the wonderful book Becoming Orgasmic. If you’re looking for tips or ideas for techniques, Tickle Your Fancy is full of suggestions. Once you know a bit more about what you like or dislike, you and your boyfriend might be able to find something that you both like to do.

It’s worth mentioning that vulvas come in all different shapes. (The vulva is the external female anatomy. The vagina is the inside part.) There’s a long history of negative attitudes towards the vulva, but each one is unique and beautiful in its own way. A lot of women have the idea that there’s something wrong with their vulvas because they don’t look like what we see in porn or because they have hair, and I think that’s unfortunate. I strongly recommend getting to know your parts and Scarleteen has a great site about that. It’s geared towards teens, but there's lots of amazing info about sex, bodies, and pleasure.

Another option would be to explore some of these concerns with a therapist. When you have an itch on your back, you need someone else to scratch it. Therapists help us by reaching the spots we can’t reach on our own. Lastly, depending on where you are, you could join a body-image support group. While they tend not to focus on sexuality, they can be an incredibly helpful way to work through our concerns about our bodies and how we (or other people) feel about them.

Working through these challenges isn’t always easy, but it can be very rewarding. Whatever route you choose, I hope you find the pleasure and joy that you deserve.

Group Therapy: I'm Ready For a Relationship

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 14:00:00 -0700

I'm a 20-year-old college student at a women's college. I have been single for a while now. I've dated before but I've never had a serious relationship, nor have I ever had a real boyfriend. Now that I'm going abroad for the Summer and next Fall, I want some experience before I leave. I'm starting to feel the pressure to be in a relationship because most of my friends are in one, and I'm really ready to take the leap! I've been trying to work on myself this semester, and it's done a lot of good. I feel much more confident, and I'm ready to have a guy in my life. I need some help from people with experience on how to meet guys and attract them. Does anyone have any advice?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Lack of Communication With Husband After Layoff

Tres Community — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0800

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

My husband recently got laid off from his job. He is lucky because he was given 30 days to try and find a new position within the company before he's officially let go. He has a prospective job in another area of the company, but I am not sure where everything stands. He just won't communicate with me and let me know what's going on. It's very hard for me to be in the dark about whether or not he will have a job in a couple weeks, and it feels like he has completely closed off communication regarding this job situation.

When I ask if he's heard anything, he is always very vague and claims that he doesn't have any new information, but there have been a couple times when I have seen over his shoulder that he has gotten emails from the people involved with this potential job, so there must be some sort of news. How do I explain to him that behind left in the dark about our situation is really stressing me out?

There's lots of fun stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

Meditation, Anyone?

Tres Community — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 07:00:00 -0800

This post was written by member Honey Knows and comes from The Couch group in our TrèsSugar Community.

I've never done a lot of meditating, but I think it might be time to start. In these turbulent times, I know so many people who are looking for an anchor (or maybe a life preserver?) with nowhere to turn. Perhaps meditation can provide the peace that external influences seem bent on robbing us of these days. Do you meditate? If you do, what type of meditation? How has it helped you?

The website LearningMeditation.com seems basic (and free!); however, please feel free to add any resources you find helpful.

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

More Teens Getting Pregnant; Who They Are May Surprise You

TresSugar — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:00:00 -0800

We often hear media stories about teenagers from poor and single-parent homes getting pregnant.

Research conducted for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, however, concludes that only 28 percent of people who reported giving birth or fathering children as teens lived in families with incomes below the federal poverty line, and only 30 percent said they were living with a single parent.

Although teens from poor families headed by single mothers are disproportionately likely to become teen mothers, "teen pregnancy is not limited to a particular racial group or socio-economic status or a particular family structure," says Bill Albert, chief program officer for the National Campaign.

In other words, parents and schools need to be vigilant about teaching teens either to abstain from sex or to have safe sex - even upper-middle-class teens. After 15 years of a decline in teen pregnancy, the number of teens giving birth has gone up in the last couple years. The reason? More sex and less contraception, says Albert, especially because teen boys are less concerned about contracting HIV.