TresSugar

Helping a Grieving Friend

DearSugar — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 11:00:00 -0700

We have all been through sad times in our lives, experiencing a death in your family, the death of a pet or close friend, or a boyfriend. Even when it's expected, it's never easy to come to terms with life's roller coaster ride. Having a friend there to support you can make a world of difference, so what are you to do when you're one of those friends? Here are some helpful tips to keep in mind when you're supporting a friend who is experiencing a loss.

Be there for them, but don't bother them. Give them a simple phone call to let them know you are thinking of them and let them know you're ready to spend time with them when they are ready.
Send them a condolence card or flowers (if it's appropriate). If you know your friend's family, and they are grieving as well, send them a card too. Everyone appreciates the kind thoughts.
If your friend does want to see you, let them feel free to express their emotions and thoughts openly. Let them cry, be angry, upset, or quiet. Just listen and be there to offer emotional support in anyway they may need it.
Talk about the loss in a natural way. Don't avoid the topic and don't bring it up too much either. Sharing memories, even if they are sad, will help in the healing process.

Want to know what else you can do? Then read more

It's nice to let them know you understand how sad they are. You can bring up a past experience you've had losing someone, but I wouldn't talk about it too much. Remember that this is about your friend's loss, and not about yours.
Try and be helpful with their everyday needs. Bring them food, offer to run errands, clean their house, make phone calls for them, offer to watch their pets or children - your friend will really appreciate you helping with the things they may not have the energy or time to do.
Go to the funeral even if they say it isn't necessary. Seeing a friendly and caring face will make them feel better.
Be patient with them and give them time to grieve. It may take several days or weeks until they're ready to talk or see you. Just be understanding and let them have as much time and space as they need.

I hope this helps if the time ever comes. Feel free to share your tips too, since we all want to do what we can to help a friend in need.

Source

Group Therapy: How Do I Support My Grieving Friend?

Thu, 15 May 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Just recently a good friend of mine confided in me that her mom's cancer, which they have known about for a while, had gotten worse and the doctors couldn't do any more to help her. They didn't know how long she had, but it wasn't very long. A little while ago I got a text from a mutual friend letting me know our friend's mom had passed away. I am completely devastated; I didn't realize it would be this sudden. I had assumed she had months left or even years.

Now I just don't know what to do. Our mutual friend advised me not to call her right now, and I think that's probably best, but I want to reach out to her. How can I support my friend right now? I'm just lost completely lost. I don't want to overstep my boundaries, but I want to connect with her, and show her that I'm here. How long should I wait before I contact her?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Source

You Asked: Should I Forgive Her Insincere Apology?

DearSugar — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,
My old college roommate asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding six months ago, and I agreed. Unfortunately, three weeks ago, her mother has passed away unexpectedly. It has been hard on everyone, but especially difficult for the maid of honor; the bride's best friend and a college friend of mine. She's acted as the liaison between the grieving bride-to-be and all her friends. In the time since, the maid of honor expressed in an email to me that she was unhappy with the back seat I took during the grieving period. When I called her and told her I wasn't that close to the bride and I didn't think it was appropriate to get more involved than I already was, she got very upset, started to cry, and told me that perhaps I don't deserve to be in the wedding at all.

She has since emailed to apologize for that comment, but deep down, I know she isn't sorry. While I know this isn't her wedding or her decision, her words were still very hurtful. I know I have to at least keep up appearances through the wedding, but I don't know I can or should forgive her beyond that. Do you have any advice? - Scolded Bridesmaid Bianca

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Scolded Bridesmaid Bianca,

It sounds to me like the maid of honor let the stress of everything get the best of her, and unfortunately, you got the brunt of it. I'm sure the bride is experiencing overwhelming emotion right now - the sadness of her mother's death mixed with the excitement of her upcoming wedding - but if you feel you did your part to express your condolences and be there to support her, there's not much more you could have done. Sure, there's a chance she told the maid of honor that she was disappointed you didn't take on a bigger role during this tragic time in her life, but you're right, that's between you and her. If you're concerned that could be a possibility, I suggest confronting her ASAP. Let her know again how sorry you are for her loss and ask her if there's anything else you can do.

Once things settle down, I have a feeling this misunderstanding will become a distant memory, but if not, it's completely your decision if you want to end the friendship after the wedding. I wish you luck in whatever decision you make, but remember, we can all say and do things out of character under times of stress - something you might want to keep in mind.

Source

You Asked: My Boyfriend Dragged Me Through the Mud

DearSugar — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 12:56:55 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I was with my ex for three years - we lived together and pretty much grew up together. We have been broken up for two months and it's been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with - moving my stuff out was extremely painful. All I ever do is think about him and our old life. The thing that tears me up the most is that I just found out he's been extremely promiscuous since we've split, all the while having breakup sex with me. I also learned that he is now ready to settle down again, but not with me.

I'm hurt that he got to have all of his fun and drag me along on his ride only to leave me in his tracks. I am incredibly heartbroken, saddened, disgusted and I feel completely rejected. I dream about him almost every night and wake up every morning, sad to be at my mom's house and not our old apartment. Is this normal? I feel like I'm crazy to still think about him every day and mourn like this. - Heartbroken Heidi

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Heartbroken Heidi,

To answer your question, yes, your reaction is completely normal - in fact, I'd be a little concerned if you weren't feeling this way after ending a three-year relationship. The fact that you had to move out of the apartment you shared definitely makes matters worse, so take your time in this grieving process and try not to be so hard on yourself. In the meantime, if living at home with your mom is making this bad situation worse, I suggest you find a roommate and move out ASAP.

Having breakup sex adds a level of difficulty to the moving on process, but rest assured that thinking about your ex, even though he dragged you through the mud, does not make you crazy, it makes you human. Time is the best healer, but you should also lean on your friends and family for support. All of your feelings are justified Heidi, and in due time, I have faith that you'll see that this relationship just was not meant to be. Hang in there and good luck.

Source

You Asked: Should I Take My Ex Back As My Best Friend?

DearSugar — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two years recently broke up with me. It was completely out of the blue and I still can't understand why he did it. He gave me 20 different contradicting reasons, but the main point is that he doesn't want to be with me anymore; and it hurts a lot. He had planned out the rest of our lives right down to when we'd get married, what church, when we'd have kids and what town we'd live in.

We had been best friends for over two years before we got together but we always had this awesome connection. I was very excited when he asked me out, although I was concerned that I could lose his friendship if we ever broke up. I took the chance but now that we're done, he wants to go back to being just friends. I'm not sure if I'm able to do that. My friendship feelings for him are all wrapped up in the romantic ones. We are in the exact same circle of friends and they all think I should give it a try. Half the time I miss my best friend, but the other half hates him for breaking my heart. What should I do? - Crushed Cathy

To see DearSugar's answer read more

Dear Crushed Cathy,

It's pretty clear that you still have some strong feelings around the breakup with your ex, so while going back to being just friends would be ideal, it will only work once you've let go of your romantic feelings for him. Since you're in the same circle of friends, you can remain cordial towards him, but it might just be too soon to jump right back into best friend status.

Crossing the friendship line is always a risk, but once the dust settles, hopefully you can see that your friendship is what brought you together in the first place. With time, maybe you both can work on rebuilding that connection but in the meantime, take all the distance you need to grieve your relationship. Good luck to you and try not to let your friends influence you to move too quickly.

Source

You Asked: How Can I Move On?

DearSugar — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 12:30:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of four years and I broke up seven months ago. Three days after we broke up, he started hooking up with a new girl. For the past seven months, he has been dating her semiseriously, and I have been trying to see other people. I had no idea it would take so long to find someone new, let alone get over my ex, and I have been miserable. I know people have this happen to them all the time, so what should I do to ease the pain of missing him and watching him move on when I haven't been able to do the same? I still love him so much. - Stagnant Stacy

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Stagnant Stacy,

Moving on from a failed relationship when you're still in love can feel like an uphill, never ending battle - I know, I've been there - but realize that it's not a race; it doesn't matter who moves on first or faster. We're all different beings so while it might have taken your ex a shorter amount of time to find someone else, it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with the fact that you haven't yet. The only way to have a successful relationship with someone new is to leave your old one in the past, so take as much time as you need to grieve - four years is a long time - and when you feel ready, take baby steps in the moving on process. In the meantime, be good to yourself. Lean on your friends and family for support, keep busy, and look forward to a fun holiday season ahead of you! Good luck.

Source

Remembering and a Musical? "South Pacific" on Memorial Day

CitizenSugar — Sun, 25 May 2008 09:10:03 -0700

In the New York Times this morning, Frank Rich has a lovely op-ed seeing the vintage musical South Pacific through the eyes of a modern audience on Memorial Day. He calls the clamor for tickets to the musical's revival, "surely the most unexpected cultural sensation the city has experienced in a while," with some spending up to $1,000 for the $120 ticket.

Why? The show has not only withstood the test of time, but has become again relevant. Rich muses that even during the broad musical numbers, the subject matter shines through. Audiences are forced to contemplate Iraq, remember those whose memory we honor tomorrow - even the racial conflicts depicted still feel alive.

He says, “South Pacific isn’t prowar or antiwar. But it makes you think about the costs." Maybe now is the window when the show is most relevant. He says maybe audiences want, "to glom onto an earlier America’s noble mission because we, unlike 'the greatest generation,' had none of our own. The real South Pacific returns us to the war as its contemporaries saw it, when the wounds were too raw to be healed by sentiment."

View 5 Photos ›

He concludes beautifully:

And so as we watch that family gather at the end of South Pacific, both their future and their country’s destiny yet to be written, we weep for the same reason we often do when we experience a catharsis at the theater. We grieve deeply for our losses and our failings, even as we feel an undertow of cockeyed optimism about the possibilities of healing and redemption that may yet lie ahead.

Whether watching an old musical tomorrow, or barbecuing with friends, here's to remembering our losses and embracing hope for the future. Tomorrow at 3 p.m. is the National Moment For Remembrance - pause then for a moment and remember.

Source

You Asked: Why Am I Still Mourning?

DearSugar — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been divorced for about five years, and almost three years ago, my ex passed away. It was very sudden and my two kids were at home with him the morning it happened and I was lucky enough to make it over to his house just in time to say goodbye. I have been in a relationship with someone ever since my divorce, but lately I find myself missing my ex more and more everyday, some days I get almost to a depressed state because I miss him so much. I think about him all the time and he's often in my dreams. I don't understand why I am feeling all of these emotions now when he died so many years ago. Do you have any advice? - Mourning Maura

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Mourning Maura,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Grieving someone's death is a different process for everyone, so still feeling pain three years after his passing is by no means abnormal. Since you were present with your children when he passed, something tells me you pushed your emotions down inside in order to be strong for your kids but no matter how hard you try to mask your feelings, they won't go away.

You and your ex-husband obviously had a very special bond so just because you've moved on doesn't mean you can't miss him or lament his death. The only advice I can offer you is to give in to your sorrow - feel your pain and be sad if that's what your body and mind is telling you to do. The sooner you face your feelings head on, the sooner you'll be able to process them. Talk about your emotions too. Lean on your friends and family for support and try to focus on celebrating his life. Although these tips are much easier said than done, remember that time will also be a great healer for you. My heart goes out to you and your family and I wish you all the best.

Source

You Asked: I'm Having Feelings For My Best Friend

DearSugar — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I developed feelings for my best, guy friend a couple of months ago. We had been hanging out for less than a year and I thought we were compatible. When I finally got up the courage to ask him if he thought we would ever be more than friends, he rejected me. Surprisingly, we're still really good friends. I love spending time with him so much, but sometimes it hurts to be with him. How can I let go of these feelings I still have for him?

-Crushed Kim

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Crushed Kim,

When you have feelings for someone, they don't just miraculously disappear when the other person doesn't feel the same way. It's going to be really hard for you to spend time with him, since it will be a constant reminder that he's not interested in a romantic relationship. I'm sure you keep spending time with him in the hopes that he may change his mind and want to be with you, but that's really unhealthy for your heart. It's time to let him go, and that means putting his friendship on hold.

It may help to treat this like a breakup, and get a little space from him. It will give your heart a chance to grieve and will allow you to get him off your mind. Spend time with your family and other friends, and do things that make you happy. Be honest with him and say that you can't be friends right now, but that maybe in time you can rekindle your friendship. Good luck.

Source

Breakup Blues

DearSugar — Mon, 18 Dec 2006 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar
A couple of days ago I broke up with my boyfriend of two years. We didn't break up because he mistreated me or because I didn't love him, but because we were just in two different places in our lives. We were beginning to grow apart and wanting different things in our future. I know I did the right thing by ending it, but it still hurts so badly. I love him as a person so much and I miss having my best friend around. Do you have any advice for someone with a broken heart? Grieving Gabby

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Grieving Gabby
I am so sorry you are brokenhearted. Breakups are always tough especially when you can't blame someone or something for your split. Sometimes it is just easier to be mad at the other person than to admit the timing just wasn't right but the person was. Take it easy on yourself as your wound is still raw. Time is the best healer out there although it can feel like an eternity until you feel better.

Do you have a good group of girlfriends you can spend time with? A sister or a mom you can talk to? Do what makes you feel good. Get a massage or treat yourself to a day of shopping, anything to keep your mind busy. Every person is different and each breakup is unique. I wish there was a magic potion out there to heal your heart, but you are just going to have to give it time. Keep your chin up.