TresSugar

Is It OK to Go to Bed Angry?

DearSugar — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 09:00:00 -0800

I recently had a fight with my boyfriend about something so stupid, but since we're both stubborn, we couldn't come to an agreement, so we both went to bed angry. As I was lying in bed, trying to forget about it all, I kept hearing a little voice in the back of my mind that said, "Never go to bed angry."

What do you think? Is it a bad thing to go to bed mad? Or do you think there's some benefit to sleeping on it, so you can work things out the next day with a fresh mind?

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Group Therapy: Am I a Fool?

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I am feeling completely unwanted in my relationship. My boyfriend of a year and a half and I live together, and we are rarely intimate. He never invites me to go out with him, even when it's not just a guys' night, and he doesn't even sleep in the same bed with me. He has insomnia problems, which he refuses to get help for, and he says he needs a TV to be able to fall asleep. I purchased a nice TV for our bedroom so that he could start sleeping in the bed with me, but that hasn't worked.

The other night he said he was tired, and he went to go lie down in the second room. When I told him I was going to sleep too, he said he would be in later. I don't understand why he can't just sleep the entire night in a bed with me. He claims he likes to have his relaxing alone time, but that doesn't make sense. Anytime I tell him that I feel unwanted he either says he will work on things or just gets angry. I don't think I am asking for all that much. If I ask him if he wants to be with me, he says of course he does, and that I should know that! I know that he hates his job and it stresses him out, but I don't think that's a good enough reason to act like this. I don't want to be without him, but I don't really want to be with him sometimes either. Why would he act like this? Is there anything I can do?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: My Husband Took Advantage of Me

DearSugar — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been having problems for a while now. I wanted to leave the marriage, but instead we decided to seek professional help and go to counseling. Up until Saturday night, we had not had sex for two months; I'm struggling so much with our marriage that I'm just not able to be intimate right now.

But on Saturday, we went to a get-together then out with old friends. I had a few more drinks than usual and to make a long story short, I woke up next to him naked. He admits that we had sex, although I have no recollection of it. At first I was only angry at myself for drinking too much, but the more I remember of that night, the more I think it was his intention to get me into bed the whole time. Am I wrong to be so angry days later?

- Very Upset Vicki

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Very Upset Vicki,

Obviously you and your husband are grappling with some difficult issues, and though I can't make a claim about your husband's motives, I can say that if you feel violated in any way, you have every right to be upset. While it may be impossible to prove that his intentions that night were anything less than decent, you shouldn't even be in the position of having to consider the possibility that your own husband took advantage of your drunken state. Your relationship will be impossible to fix if you can't trust him when you're vulnerable.

I think it's imperative that you and your husband make a trip to your counselor to discuss the situation and your feelings surrounding it. Furthermore, if you're not already, it may be time to start making personal appointments too, because no matter what happens with your marriage, it sounds like there's more going on than meets the eye. Perhaps it's time to start talking through those challenging emotions without the burden of your husband's feelings or even his presence in the room.

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New Rules of Marriage?

DearSugar — Thu, 22 May 2008 11:00:00 -0700

Whether you're dating, planning a wedding, or already married, I'm sure you've gotten a lot of relationship advice from other married folks. If they've listed off any of the soft rules of marriage, you might want to do some new research. On a recent segment on The Today Show, Rosemary Ellis, the editor-in-chief of Good Housekeeping, shared some new and improved rules of marriage that you should check out below.

Old Myth	New Rule	Explanation
Never go to bed angry.	Sleep on it, but before you roll over in a huff, give your partner a six-second kiss.	If you're blood is boiling and you're frustrated with your honey, duking it out all night won't help. Though kissing before you go to bed won't necessarily solve your problems, it will remind you of your special connection so you can talk about it the next day with a clear and level head.

Want to see the other myths? Then read more.

Old Myth	New Rule	Explanation
As you get older, sex isn't as important.	There's no reason you won't grow more sexually connected.	The more comfortable you feel with a person, the more confident you'll be to ask for what you want and try new things.
As a marriage grows, you'll realize that you've grown apart and fallen out of love.	Marriages don't run on feelings - in order for them to thrive, both partners need to do their fare share of work.	Working through your differences and talking through your disagreements and issues will make your relationship stronger.
Couples who stay together have a lot in common.	It's actually the couples who don't have a lot in common who are often happiest.	You don't have to love doing everything together all the time as long as you do set aside time to be together. Also, having different interests is a plus because it'll keep you happy and secure as an individual, which can only benefit your relationship.
Every guy has a midlife crisis.	It's actually a "reinvention," and women go through it too.	Everyone's life goes through change. Maybe your career takes off in a different direction, or your children leave home, or a parent passes away. The first half of your life is different than the second half, but the second half should get better!

I don't necessarily agree with all of these "new" rules, but what about you? Is there some merit to these news ways of thinking about marriage? Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

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Dear Poll: Do You Sleep On It or Battle It Out?

DearSugar — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 16:00:00 -0700

When it comes to communication and expressing differences, there are just too many dos and don’ts to keep track of. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “never go to bed angry” used in movies, self-help books, and amongst friends. But then we’re also told to “sleep on it.” So which is it? I wish I knew, but I really think it depends on the person. So, let me ask you, when you’re in a fight, do you sleep on it or duke it out before crawling into bed?

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The How-To Lounge: Spicing Up the Mundane

DearSugar — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 10:00:50 -0700

One of the most common couples' complaints is not having enough time for intimacy. In response, people always offer a rather silly solution: Set aside a special “sexy” time. This may work for some people, but personally I think the idea of setting a sex schedule is mildly depressing. I think it’s far sexier to turn boring life obligations into intense foreplay. To check out some fun suggestions, read more

Exhaustion can really put a damper on a person's mood, so you have to beat it. Instead of rushing to get the dishes done and the kitchen cleaned after dinner, head on over to bed. You don’t even have to get in it to enjoy a little nooky. The dishes aren’t going anywhere, but your mood just might.
Cleaning isn’t typically fun or sexy, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be. Don’t worry: I’m not going to suggest vacuuming in the buff - though please give it a go if you’re so daring - but I do think that giving him some positive reinforcements while he’s cleaning will liven things up. Every time he bends over, give his toosh a squeeze. Or each time either of you finishes a task, give each other a swoonworthy kiss!
There’s nothing quite as frustrating as getting stuck in some killer weekend traffic. Often you can find yourself frustrated, angry, and ignoring your significant other. Use that time to engage in some serious dirty talk; he won’t see it coming from a mile away. Sure, you’re not in public per se, but it can still feel pretty exciting.
When you’re at the market, pick up something totally decadent but welcomed in the bedroom: whipped cream, berries, a luscious bar of dark chocolate, or a pint of dulce du leche ice cream. Then make use of it before, or even while, you put away the groceries.

Keeping the romance alive is all about having fun, so make every moment a good one!

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You Asked: Why Am I So Upset About Her Abortion?

DearSugar — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

Last night I came home from work to find my roommate/best friend asleep on the couch. She woke up a couple minutes later asking her boyfriend to get her some brownies. Her demeanor was such that I suspected something was wrong as she doesn't usually crave food this way. I asked her jokingly ''what's the matter with you, are you pregnant?'' and she started laughing, looked at her boyfriend and said ''I can't lie to her." I asked her if she was keeping it and she told me that she'd already scheduled an abortion. She is 24 and works as a waitress. Her boyfriend has a decent paying job but she said that keeping it would put their goals and dreams on hold (they are hoping to start a business together). I was mad, disappointed, and went
straight to bed.

As far as abortion goes, I feel that the reasons they came up with just weren't good enough. But who am I to judge? I want her to keep it and even though it's none of my business really, I just can't see their perspective. How can I let go of this angry feeling that I have about a decision that has nothing to do with me?
- Pro Life Lyndsay

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more.

Dear Pro Life Lyndsay,

I'm sorry to hear that you're taking this news so personally, but you're right, this isn't your decision to make. Their rational for aborting their baby might not be good enough for you, but it is for them, which is really all that matters. Obviously this pregnancy was unplanned, so if having a baby wasn't a desire of theirs and would have been more of a burden than anything else, it sounds as though they did what was best for everyone involved.

You're entitled to your own opinions on abortion, but you need to remember that they are just that - your opinions. I'm sure you're still a little shocked to learn this news so I'd take a few days, let it process, and remember that no matter what, she needs your friendship and support right now. The best part about having good friends is that they are there for you even when they don't necessarily agree with the decisions you make. Hopefully you can put your difference aside and not let her ruin your relationship.

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You Asked: How Can I Get Over This Betrayal?

DearSugar — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 03:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,
I was in a relationship with a man for three years and I thought he was it. A couple of months ago, he met a woman and they became friends. He mentioned her vaguely in the beginning but never spoke about her after that. I later found out that he had been secretly texting her and lying to me in order to meet with her. There were sometimes where he would stay out until two/three in the morning. When I confronted him about it, he denied that there was anything going on and he only talked to her about me and how to improve our relationship. I accepted his explication but his behavior became more suspicious. He took my acceptance of his explication as a sign that it was okay to continue on this relationship with this married woman.

I finally couldn't take anymore lies and ended the relationship. Unfortunately, the lies didn't stop there. After we had broken up, I found out that while I was at school, this woman would come to our apartment to see him. I felt very betrayed. When I pressed for more answers, he admitted that he had sex with her in our bed while I was visiting my family back home. I immediately moved out and changed my phone number. I wanted to cut all contact with him but it only lasted for a couple of days. I went for a walk one day and he spotted me and followed me to my new place. Now he drops by once in awhile to "see how I am doing" and it hurts just to look at him. What do I do? It's like he doesn't even care that he hurt me. He couldn't even wait until I completely moved out before she began to sleep over. I would find her clothes and other belongings when I would come to get my things. How can I get over this betrayal when I feel so much anger still?
- Betrayed and Hopeless Heidi

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Betrayed and Hopeless Heidi,

Your boyfriend's lying and cheating is terrible and extremely hurtful so it's no surprise that you're still angry, I'd be a little alarmed if you weren't. Since you can't change the past, all you can do is make a better future for yourself. First and foremost, do not let this man come to your new home again. If he really cared "how you were doing", he wouldn't have made the decisions he did to get you where you are now. Since you were together for so long, it's going to take time before you're ready to move on. Keep yourself busy, use your friends and family for support, and whenever you're feeling lonely, think how lucky you are to have found out what this man is capable of before you were even more committed to each other. Time is a great healer, so be patient and good luck to you.

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Come Story Telling with me!!! The Completed Story

DearSugar — Sun, 05 Aug 2007 10:00:00 -0700

I hope you all enjoyed this new feature as much as I did! Your wild imaginations made for a great story line! To read the completed tale you all helped create, read more

As I slammed down the phone I could feel my face flush with pure anger I can't believe she had the nerve to set her wedding date on the same day as mine! If I had the nerve I would've knocked her out! I could feel the tears coming so I took a few deep breaths and said my social security number backwards. I had to focus on work right now. So I turned to my computer, opened my e-mail, and saw a message from my boss. She said, "I know that this is short notice, but I need to see you in my office ASAP. There are several things that we need to discuss."

I grabbed my yellow legal pad and blue pen, and went in to her office. Why was I sweating profusely all of a sudden? "Please close the door," she said. I sat down in the chair across from her desk. What I wouldn't give for this view, I thought. "What's up?" I said casually?

"Emily," my boss said looking me straight in the eyes, "you have been doing such an amazing job lately that we have decided to give you a promotion! Congratulations!" "Really?" I said, "That's great, but, uh, isn't that job stationed in London?" "yes," my boss said "is that a problem?" "Of course not. It's amazing. Thank you." Emily said but what she was really thinking was, "A destination wedding in London will top them all, especially hers."

I went on the Evite website and did a mass invite to my wedding explaining that I would be sending the real invitations later. Perhaps if I got mine out before her more people would go to mine. In the midst of my anger, I even sent one out to her. The next day I got a call from her. "Hi Emily," she said, with so much fake sweetness it could give you diabetes. "Just got your evite, sweetie. 'Course I can't come, you know... Jared and I are so busy with wedding planning and all that. Can't wait till our honeymoon in Milan... Jarad rented out an entire villa! Did he ever take you to a villa, Emily, hmm?" Emily cringed, thinking back to the days of her and Jarad's tumultuous relationship if she only knew what we did before they got engaged. I wish I could just rub it in her face how he thinks I am a better lover than she is. The ignited passion between us that stemmed from the mutual contempt we had towards each other. I guess what they say is true: there's a thin line between love and hate. "Haha, no he never took me to a villa, but we had a most amazingly hot weekend together in Paris, Dans le Ritz" I said, using my most excellent french accent. "In fact, it was him not me who ended up begging for more. Anyways, Matt is a much more generous lover and our wedding is taking place in London..."

I tried not to smile but it was all too true. I could hear her breathing, she was angry. I could tell things were going to get competitive and ugly. It was going to be a battle of the weddings. I was almost ashamed of myself for being this determined to make my wedding better! Besides, she had no idea that I had already hired her sister, who was a personal trainer, to help me look and feel amazing on my wedding day. Which reminds me, I have to go meet her soon to discuss my pre-wedding workout program plan. "Listen hun, I actually have to run. Gotta look super skinny for the wedding," she said. "Yeah you could lose a pound or two or ten," I said as b*tchy as I could before she hung up. I then began thinking to myself about the weight I have been gaining lately. I have been trying to lose weight, and unable to. I have already cancelled four of my morning classes due to feeling sick. Wait could I...no...I can't be pregnant can I? I better not be! I can't have my fabulous London wedding looking like a blimp! Amanda would surely love to see my wedding fail and all the rumors she'll spread! Oh dear god. hopefully it's just pre-wedding weight due to the stress of planning this.

I can't handle the fact that my future mother-in-law is wanting me to wear her old wedding dress! It's the most hideous dress ever and probably won't even fit me since his mother is larger. What am I going to do I thought to myself. Problems are already arising out of nowhere. I took a breath, laid down on my bed, and completely passed out! I awoke to the intoxicating smell of my fiancee cooking dinner. I couldn't shake the dream I just had, well, if you could call it a dream, more like a sleep panic attack. Flashes of me, in a hideous wedding gown, half of my guests not showing because London is crazy far, and my 'friend' laughing her holier than thou ass off at my misguided attempt at being 'better'. I got up and tipped toed over to the kitchen. I wanted to catch of glimpse of my fiance cooking without him knowing I was watching. I couldn't control my laughter as I saw him dancing around the kitchen to a popular Michael Jackson song. It was in that moment that everything came together -- he is definitely the love of my life. How could I ever doubt that he was the one for me. When he proposed I took a week to give him an answer. He proposed over cell phone while he was on tour. I didn't think he was serious at first. I told him I need a ring and a bended knee and he had the nerve to say I wasn't special enough! Luckily he was joking. God, how amazing will our life be together? After he noticed I was watching he laughed and motioned for me to sit at the table.

After eating, I told him about London. He was ecstatic! But I had to make sure of one thing: I wasn't pregnant. I told my love I was going out to Walgreen's and would be right back. I didn't want to alarm him. When I got back, before I could get the door fully shut I dashed into the bathroom. After 15 minutes of waiting the test read... Pregnant. OMG I AM PREGNANT. Well, maybe now by the time of the wedding, I will have to wear my mother-in-laws dress after all. I decided to tell Matt right then and there. I stormed out of the bathroom and up to Matt.

"What's wrong luv?" "I'm pregnant." He looked at me and just stared. Literally, just stared! I don't think he even blinked!!! "Well?" I asked. Then Matt said,"Well if its a girl I've always been partial to the name Chauntelle, and if it's a boy Liam." I couldn't believe it!!! "What about your band?" I asked. "I can be a rock star Dad." Matt then dashed off to write a song about the baby. I couldn't believe it! A man not freaking out over becoming a Dad so young? He came out of his studio room an hour later. He had wrote a song called Baby Wedding. I screamed out of frustration. This can't be right, those stupid sticks always can make mistakes so I'll just go to the doctor! I told Matt, and grabbed the car keys.

I rushed to the doctors and took the test and awaited my results. As I flipped through a magazine, well none other then Amanda walks in, pale as a ghost! She didn't see me, and made her way to the desk, where the secretary whispered. "Oh my God, is she pregnant too?" I thought to myself. "NOOOO" Emily screamed. "I can't be pregnant, I'm a bride to be!!" She glanced over and saw me staring. I was trying not to laugh. Then my results were in... "Negative"

YESSSSSSSS!!! Amanda's jaw dropped and I left her like that.

Fast Forward 7 months later.

The weddings of Emily and Amanda was next week. After Emily's pregnancy scare and Amanda's miscarriage, they realized it they are so alike and they should have a joint wedding. Everyone was looking forward to it, however no one expected cousin Billy Bob to show up with his new male partner. Who knew that he was gay???

Emily glanced up and down the hallway of the chapel and pulled her head back into the dressing room. Why had she agreed to wear matching dresses? That was a seriously emotional decision. Regrettably, she puffed the skirt as she stared in the mirror she was sharing with Amanda. Thankfully they had at least opted for separate hairstyles. Emily's was red and pulled up half way and had a feeling of summer about it, while Amanda had her blond hair pulled into a chic chignon. They looked at each other and opened their mouths to speak. Embarrassed, Emily conceded, "You first" "It looks better on you," Emily snorted, suddenly bursting into tears while pulling a bottle of mace from her Lulu Guinness pink leather purse. Amanda screamed and ran behind the mirror. Peeking out she saw Emily poised and ready to attack. "Are you serious? I mean are you actually seriously pointing MACE at me?" She barked. "No," Amanda replied cooly "I'm just...going to... I can't do this! i can't marry Jared! I am in love with Matt, yes, YOUR Matt, he belongs to me!" "He does not! He's mine!" Emily grabbed at Amanda's perfect chignon and yanked it out. "I knew I couldn't trust you!" She gave her a hard shove then another one until she was backed up against a wall. " I knew I couldn't trust you the moment I met you when you..." *BAM!* a loud noise was heard outside their dressing room's door. Amanda and Emily stopped what they were doing and stared at each other in shock.

Jared and Mat walked into the room, Matt grabbed Emily and said, let's get the hell out of here, your friend Emily is a whack job, I have a car waiting outside, we are eloping, I can't wait anymore to be your husband, I love you I love you I love you!

Emily, grinning ear to ear, basically left tracks not even thinking about the fact that she won after all!

You Asked: My Boyfriend and I Have Opposite Schedules

DearSugar — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar --

I work a 9 to 5 job at a law firm while my boyfriend bar tends all night. When I am ready for bed at a normal hour, he is usually not because he slept during the day after getting home really late. The problem I have is that he stays out after the bar closes to clean up and wind down and then at least once a week he goes out afterwards without me. I obviously can't go since I have to be at work at 9am. He sometimes will arrive home just as I am getting up for work, which makes me so mad. If he would just come home when his shift is over, we could have something resembling a normal relationship. My boyfriend does not see that this is an issue, but it really bothers me that we have such opposite schedules. Things are great otherwise. Do I have a right to be angry about this or should I just let it go and be happy for the time we do get to spend together? --Left Out Lindsay

To see DEARSUGAR'S Response read more

Dear Left Out Lindsay --

I can see why you feel angry and hurt when your boyfriend goes out after work, but I think you need to take a good look at the situation and see if you might be able to compromise in some way. If his late nights typically only happen once a week, try cutting him a little slack. It is not uncommon for couples to have different work schedules and we all need a little time to unwind and relax outside of work, but it is important to make time to be together so you feel more connected to each other.

With that said, are you able to spend time together on the weekends or on your days off? I think you have a right to voice your concern if his nights on the town are making you feel second best next to his job. Let him know that the schedule he is keeping makes you feel alone in your relationship. Listen to how he responds. If he has legitimate reasons for being out so late, make sure you hear him out and try to come up with a compromise. If he gets defensive and hostile, those are good signs that he values his time out partying with friends more than his quality time with you. If that's the case, you might be better off without this man in your life. Relationships take work, but perhaps your opposite schedules act as too much of a road block for you to get what you need out of this partnership. Good luck.

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