TresSugar

You Asked: Did My Boyfriend Cheat?

DearSugar — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:17:05 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I went to the doctor today to find out why I was experiencing a painful breakout on my nether regions, and it turns out I have herpes. I have been with only one man for the last two years, and he is the only man I have ever had intercourse with.

I had a serious talk with him today, and he told me that before we started dating, he got tested for every STI, and they all came back negative. I'm so confused because from what I have read online, the initial outbreak usually happens within two to four weeks of contraction, but we have been together for more than two years! Did he cheat? Has this infection laid dormant in him for years? I am scared and confused. Any advice would be a great comfort to me right now. - Taken Aback Abbie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Taken Aback Abbie,

You are right, the first outbreak of genital herpes usually happens within two weeks after it's contracted, so I'm a little wary of your boyfriend's honesty. It is possible for someone not to know he has the infection - sores can often be present in places where they can't easily be seen - but if he was tested two years ago and got a negative result, it's pretty obvious that he's contracted this STI since then; in other words, he most likely did cheat on you.

Unfortunately, what's done is done, and I'm terribly sorry that you've been put in this situation, but now you have to decide how to proceed. Obviously you need to have another serious talk with your boyfriend, but I also suggest you get tested for other STIs and talk to you doctor about medication and treatment options for the herpes you do have.

I know that you're scared right now, and I wouldn't be surprised if you start to experience feelings of betrayal and sadness too, so turn to your loved ones for support. Good luck to you.

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Funny or Not Funny: Herpex

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 11:00:00 -0700

This morning I found a funny faux commercial posted on Tango mocking the herpes commercial genre. The funny guys at Britanick.com are the brains behind this add promoting a made-up drug called Herpex. Since there is no cure, Herpex is "specifically created to deal with genital herpes" and even though it doesn't prevent outbreaks, it does allow you to teleport which can come in handy during those uncomfortable moments! Of course this STI isn't a laughing matter, but I have to say that I thought this parody sure was. What do you think? Does this faux commercial take it too far or are you able to see the humor in it?

Dear Quiz: The Big Apple Has Some Big Problems!

DearSugar — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 12:00:00 -0700

I've given you a lot of information about genital herpes and even though people seem to be aware of how easy this STI is to contract, herpes is still effecting sexually active men and women every day. According to a new study released yesterday, the number of infected New Yorkers is up. What do you think the new statistic is? How many people have genital herpes in NYC?

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Oral Sex Doesn't Equal Safe Sex

DearSugar — Fri, 29 Feb 2008 15:00:00 -0800

I hate to bring up this not-so-fun topic, but I'm concerned. Many of my friends have dated guys that they wouldn't have sex because they were worried about STIs, but they didn't seem the least bit worried about having oral sex. When your mouth has contact with someone else's business, you can very well get a whole plethora of STIs - the problem is that many of these sexually transmitted infections are asymptomatic, which means you can't tell if someone is infected just by looking at them. That also means an infected person may not realize they even have an STI so they let their partner perform oral sex on them while unknowingly and accidentally passing the infection on to them.

Which STIs can be passed on through oral sex? To find out read more.

Gonorrhea: I know this is gross, but if you perform oral sex on an infected person, you can get gonorrhea of the throat.

Chlamydia: This can also infect the throat in the same way.

Genital Herpes: This STI is passed by skin-to-skin contact with a developing or existing sore. Unfortunately, even when there are no sores present, an infected person can still pass it on to their partner.

Genital Warts (HPV): This can be passed on when an uninfected person touches infected skin on their partner's genitals. So you don't even have to be having vaginal or oral sex in order to get HPV from someone else.

Syphilis: If a person performs oral sex on someone who's infected, and they come in contact with an open sore or a skin rash, they can get syphilis, too. Since lesions can appear on the genitals and on the lips and mouth, that means you can even get it from kissing an infected person.

HIV: This potentially deadly STI can be passed on through blood (including menstrual fluid), semen, vaginal fluid, or breast milk. So if a person performs oral pleasure on an infected person, and if they have a cut or sore in their mouth or on their gums, then they can contract HIV, too.

I know this is all very scary information, but knowing the facts will help keep you safe. Before becoming sexually active, you and your partner should get tested. It'll show that you respect one another, that you're responsible, and your sense of relief will make it all worth while when you do share that kind of intimacy.

Dear's Advice: If you are planning on having oral sex even though you're not sure about your partner's STI history, using male and female condoms and dental dams can reduce your risk tremendously.

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Genital Herpes 101

DearSugar — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 08:00:00 -0700

A couple days ago I posted Handle This: He Has Herpes and some of your comments let me know that we could all use a refresher course on this STI.

Genital herpes is highly contagious, and is passed on through sexual contact. It's caused by a strain of herpes simplex virus (HSV), which enters your body through small cuts in your skin or mucous membranes, and then causes outbreaks of painful sores on your privates.

You should know that a person can pass herpes on to someone else even if they have no visible sores. Although there is no cure for genital herpes, the outbreaks can be controlled with medication, so a person with herpes can still be in a relationship and have sex (with protection, of course), without passing it on to his or her partner.

Want to learn more about how this STI is tested and treated? Then read more.

Symptoms	Small, painful blisters or open sores. After they ooze, they'll scab and then heal within one to three weeks. For women, sores may appear in the vagina, on the outside genital area, cervix, anus, or rear end. For men, sores may appear on the penis, scrotum, rear end, anus, thighs, or inside the urethra. Along with an outbreak of sores, a person may have flu-like symptoms including headache, muscle aches, and fever. Many people have no symptoms at all, or they'll have one bad outbreak of sores and then never experience another. Others can experience outbreaks up to 40 years after they first contract herpes.
How do you test for it?	A blood test can detect a herpes infection. If you have present sores, your doctor can take a fluid or tissue sample and test that, too.
Complications	Herpes will not cause death, but it can increase your risk of contracting other STIs such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, or HIV. A pregnant woman with sores can pass genital herpes on to her baby during delivery, which could cause brain damage, blindness, or death to the newborn. In this case, a C-section is usually performed.
Treatment	There is no cure, but oral, antiviral medications taken including Zovirax, Famvir, and Valtrex can help heal sores faster and prevent recurrent outbreaks. If taken every day, these meds may also help reduce your risk of passing it on to anyone else. If you have herpes, wait until all sores are healed before resuming sexual activity. Always use a condom to prevent passing it on to your partner, since this virus can be spread even when no symptoms of herpes are present.

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Group Therapy: I Just Found Out That I Caught Genital Herpes From my Boyfriend

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 04:00:00 -0800

I have been dating this guy for close to a year now, and I just found out that I have contracted genital herpes from him. We've had unprotected sex before, but he promised me that he had been tested, and I had an annual exam where I was declared free of STIs before we started sleeping together. This is a long distance relationship and when I returned home from a recent visit, I began to notice symptoms almost immediately.

He swears that he hasn't cheated and that he never knew he had it. I want to believe him, but things just aren't adding up. Is anyone else in the same situation? Do you have any advice or tips?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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Fact or Fiction: Genital Herpes

DearSugar — Tue, 06 Jan 2009 10:00:00 -0800

I know you'd rather not talk about herpes, but the only way you'll know how to prevent yourself from contracting this STI is by knowing the facts and myths. Take this little quiz and you just may learn a thing or two.

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Hump Day: Is My Cold Sore Contagious?

TresSugar — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column! Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“I know that cold sores are the same virus as herpes. Is it a bad idea to go down on my boy when I have one? Is it transmissible that way?” To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more.

Dr. Glickman's Answer:

YES!!!

There are two types of herpes virus: HSV-1 and HSV-2. Oral herpes is usually HSV-1 and it’s estimated that 80 percent of the population has been exposed to it. Genital herpes is usually HSV-2 and it’s estimated that 25 percent of women and 12 percent of men have it. However, genital herpes can be caused by either version of the virus, so going down on someone when you have a cold sore (another name for a herpes outbreak) can spread it. To make things a bit more complicated, only about 1/3 of the people who have genital herpes are aware of it - either they’ve never had an outbreak or the outbreak was very mild. (See herpes.com for more info.)

Part of what makes herpes tricky is that it can be transmitted even when you don’t have a visible outbreak. The virus lives in your nervous system and every so often, it’ll come to the surface. It’s especially likely to happen when you’re sick or have been stressed for a while. There’s evidence that the virus starts shedding from the skin (and is therefore potentially contagious) before any visible symptoms. It’s a low risk, but it’s a possibility. To make matters worse, if the site of the shedding isn’t covered by a condom, it can be spread even when you’re practicing safer sex.

While herpes can be uncomfortable, it doesn’t represent nearly as much risk as other sexually transmissible infections (STIs) such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, human papilloma virus (HPV), or HIV. Having said that, there’s evidence that HSV-2 makes HIV transmission more likely. See this article for more information about how that works.

It’s also worth mentioning that I’ve seen a lot of people get really upset about STIs when they don’t get nearly as upset about any other health issue. I’ve also seen a lot of people who have all sorts of judgment about STIs but think nothing of going to work and sharing their flu germs (or worse)! STIs can be unpleasant, annoying, or life-threatening, but they don’t mean anything about the person who has them any more than chicken pox or measles do. Negative attitudes about STIs are a holdover from before we invented antibiotics and when diseases such as syphilis were seen as the wages of sin. But now we know that they’re just germs and we don’t need to shame people for having them. (Not that I’m saying that you’re doing that, but I wanted to mention it.)

The best thing that we can all do is to get tested for STIs regularly, even if you’ve never had a symptom. Lots of people have STIs and don’t know it. Check your local Planned Parenthood or other agency for information, although I recommend going with anonymous testing in order to ensure your privacy.

And safer sex is always a good choice. It’s easy to do, with a little practice. Using a lubricant can make safer sex more enjoyable since latex tends to have a bit more friction than skin. Try a silicone-based brand if you’re prone to yeast infections. Water-based brands are a bit easier to clean up since they rinse away.

If you or your partner don’t like the way condoms feel, try a different brand. The Japanese-process condoms such as Maxx and Skinless Skin are more sheer than other types. Or you could give Skyn a whirl. It’s made from polyisoprene, rather than latex, so it’s very sheer and both people will get more sensation.

Given that you have oral herpes, you might want to talk with your boyfriend about using condoms for oral sex. If you go that route, change the condom before having intercourse. That will make sure that you don’t spread the herpes virus to your vulva or vagina. It’ll also reduce the risk of your condom breaking; teeth can cause small abrasions that weaken the condom.

For an excellent, sex-positive read on safer sex, check out The Hot Guide to Safer Sex . It’s full of helpful advice and great tips.

This Week With DearSugar

DearSugar — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 04:00:00 -0800

If you're struggling with your weight, check out E. Jean's plan - it just might do the trick!
Don't miss my January must haves.
Make sure you know the facts about genital herpes.
Which comes first: showering together or passing gas in front of each other?
If you're suffering from the post-holiday blues, don't forget about these five things you have to look forward to this January.
Would you have a joint bachelorette/bachelor party with your fiance?
Do you expect your man to walk on the curb side when he's with you?
Has anyone ever read your diary?

Sunday Confessional: She Knew He Had Herpes and Didn't Tell Me

DearSugar — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Six months ago I started dating my girl friend's male roommate. At the time, my friend warned me that although her roommate was a good friend, he was a notoriously bad boyfriend. I explained to her that I just wanted to have fun, but she still acted weird about it. Five months in, I learned he was hanging out with a lot of other girls, so we decided to end things. I was disappointed it didn't work out, but I knew it wasn't meant to be.

A few weeks ago I found out that I have genital herpes. I knew immediately it was from him - I've only been with one other guy who was also a virgin. I had asked him before we slept together if he had been tested, and he said he was totally clean. Obviously I was very upset by the news and confronted him. Naturally, he claimed that I must have picked it up from some other guy.

When I came crying to my friend, she was extremely distressed by what he had said. Apparently, he had confided in her a long time ago that he had herpes, but asked her to keep it a secret. When I heard this I was furious. I know that they're good friends, but I couldn't believe she'd kept that from me when she knew I was sleeping with him! I feel beyond betrayed, but she says she "tried" to warn me. Is her omission of the truth forgivable?

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