TresSugar

Group Therapy: Torn Between the Future and Now

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 04:00:00 -0800

I'm 21 and have been dating my boyfriend for four years. Our families know each other and know that we're serious about our relationship. His family is traditional and conservative so they hope that we take things slow until we're married. Although it's against our faith, we do have premarital relations, and I found it to be justifying that we do plan to get married - we're not just sleeping around. From my parents' divorce, I know not to marry young and that things don't always go as planned. My friends and family know that I am very serious about my education and know that nothing will stop me from finishing with my Masters degree, even marriage. I dream about my future with my boyfriend and see it to be attainable, and that notion keeps me motivated in school and smarter with my time and finances.

Very recently, however, my boyfriend told me that I'm too much of a dreamer and I need a hit of reality, especially when it comes to our future. But I think I'm grounded with dreams that keep me motivated. Now I'm torn between my beliefs, our conservative families, his bubble bursting comments, and my dream-driven goals. Can I still be grounded with dreams of a wedding, husband, and family? Is it wrong to keep these dreams? And if I do keep them, do I keep them to myself to prevent them from being shot down?

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Do Tell: What Are Your Future Priorities?

DearSugar — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 07:00:00 -0700

I have a friend who’s spent the past year working like a dog to finish her MBA while simultaneously climbing the corporate ladder. She loves dating, but she has no desire to have children or even get married. Meanwhile, I have other friends who have completely set aside their careers to work on building a family. I respect both choices very much, but I find it fascinating that there’s such a distinct difference in priorities. Are you leaning to one of these extremes? Do tell, where are your priorities as far as family versus career in your own future?

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You Asked: Does Religion Trump Love?

DearSugar — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I are discussing marriage. I was brought up in an Italian Catholic family, and although I am not very active in my faith, the traditions and values that have been passed down are still very important to me. My boyfriend, on the other hand, was raised Catholic but is now Agnostic. I knew this when we started dating, and it's never bothered me. I admire that he has searched for his own truth and is happy with his own beliefs. I have fallen in love with a kind and generous person, and his beliefs, or lack thereof, really don't have any influence on my feelings.

The problem is now that we are discussing marriage, I would like to honor the traditions in my family and marry in a Catholic church. He is willing to do so but has mentioned that it would make him feel uncomfortable, and I really want this day to be about the two of us. We have discussed other options, but for some reason they are just not sitting well with me. I know I can't change his feelings or mine but I worry about the future and how this will impact our children and our relationship. I am one to fight for love, but in this situation is love enough?

- Religion Woes Rachael

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Religion Woes Rachael,

First of all, I want to point out that it says a lot about your relationship that you're both taking the time to discuss this prior to getting married. Differing religious views is always a tricky terrain to navigate, especially when it comes to building a life with someone. And like any other serious issue in a relationship, the solution comes down to your willingness to compromise.

I would start focusing more seriously on the issue of how you want your future children raised - it can seem incredibly premature when you're not even officially engaged, but in the end it's a less negotiable and more serious issue than a wedding. You both need to keep your expectations realistic. If you find that you just can't come to an agreement, then it's likely that you'll be waging this same argument throughout the rest of your relationship, and you'll have to decide if you're willing to do that.

As you work through this, keep in mind that there are compromises out there if you're willing to make them. Do research online and don't be afraid to reach out to other people who might be in similar situations to find out what their solutions and hardships are. And most importantly, keep an open mind and examine every possibility. Once you have all the information, you can make a more educated and definitive decision about your future.

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Relationship Protocol: Have You Talked About Marriage?

DearSugar — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

If a relationship lasts long enough, it's natural for thoughts about the long-term future to arise. And figuring out if you and your significant other are on the same wavelength can help you determine whether or not your relationship should continue.

But while considering the future is common, and often important, there's still something inherently scary and exciting when having a talk about marriage for the first time. That's probably why many people jump right into it and others tend to hold off. So tell me, have you talked about marriage or the possibility of it with your boyfriend yet? And, if so, how long did you wait before bringing it up?

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Do Tell: Do You Want The Bottom Line Right Off The Bat?

DearSugar — Thu, 15 May 2008 09:00:00 -0700

When you first start dating someone, all those intense feelings leads to wishful thinking about a possible future full of nothing but hope and adoration. It's those emotions that make the beginning of a relationship so amazing, but as we all know, no relationship is perfect - every couple has their ups and downs. But if you could learn the bottom line about your new man right off the bat, and fast forward through the awkward getting to know you phase, would you? I happen to think it's the trial and error period that makes it all so exciting, even if it doesn't work out. But what about you? Do tell, if you could know the bottom line right off the bat, would you want to look in the crystal ball?

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Do Tell: What Would You Ask a Psychic About Your Future?

DearSugar — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 11:00:00 -0800

I've never been to a psychic before, but I know people who swear by them. I guess I'm just too afraid of knowing what's in store for me - I might not like what I hear. I'd rather live my life and leave the outcome to chance and fate. But what about you? If you're interested in learning about your future, do tell, what's the one question you would ask a psychic?

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You Asked: Is He Worth It?

DearSugar — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating a guy for about eight months now. We have been friends for several years and always liked each other but it wasn't until a year ago that we were both single and decided to get together. We have a lot in common and we always have fun with each other. He gets my personality better than any of the guys I have dated before him and actually knows how to handle my "Monica" tendencies.

However, he is going through a huge transition in his life right now. He has finally decided to finish school which will add to his $70,000 student loans. His parents are completely unsupported with anything he does and he is basically broke.

I really love him and can picture us with a future together but the stress of his situation has already gotten to me. I am always his outlet for frustration and stress which wears on me because I have my own stresses. By the time he is done getting his college degree and teaching certificate he will owe $100,000, not including all the interest. This amount of money is daunting to me. It's currently not my debt but if we stay together and get married, it will becomes mine. Fortunately I am not in any debt and I know I'll have a decent paying job once I am done with school but I don't know if I want to foot all the bills while he is paying off his school loans.

With all this said, my question for you is this: should I stick it out with him and accept that this amount of money will burden us for years down the road (will we be able to afford a decent house and kids?) or do I run now and try to find someone more financially stable? - In the Red Rebbecca

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear In the Red Rebbecca,

You're right, your boyfriend is going to be in some serious financial debt after all is said and done, but he obviously feels his education is worth it. Of course, it will take some time to pay off all his debt, and you're being smart to think proactively about your future, but at the end of the day, if you love him you shouldn't be losing sleep over this.

Since you've only been dating eight months, I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket quite yet. Have fun and see where the relationship goes. If things do end up working out between you, it will be because you love each other despite the financial obstacles you have in front of you. Finding someone you want to spend your future with is a huge deal and while you might have to make some sacrifices like waiting to buy a house or having kids until his debt is under control, you have to ask yourself if passing up "the one" is worth it. If you ask me, I would say no. I happen to think finding a compatible mate is something very special that you shouldn't pass up so have faith that it will all work out in the long run. I hope this helps.

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Have You Ever Seen a Psychic?

DearSugar — Wed, 07 Nov 2007 11:00:00 -0800

Living in the city, you can't walk more than five blocks without seeing an advertisement for a psychic. There are tarot card readers, palm readers, and people who say they can tell you your future, but I have to say that I've never seen one.

Psychics both intrigue and scare me at the same time. Part of me feels like they're full of it - that there's no way a person could flip some cards or look at your hands and reveal your destiny. Thinking about ghosts and spirits is definitely one of my irrational fears and what if I didn't like my future?

What about you? Have you ever seen a psychic? If so, did you go alone or with friends? Was it a positive experience? Did they tell you anything that actually came true or was it a waste of money?

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Dear Poll: Which Baby's Future Would You Like to See?

DearSugar — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 09:30:56 -0700

We know that one stunning female celebrity plus one handsome male celebrity equals a gorgeous baby, but do you think having such famous parents will lead these kids down the wrong path? Do you think that growing up in the spotlight will make them susceptible to "child star syndrome" or do you think their parents will try to normalize them as much as possible?

If you could take a sneak peek into the future of any celebrity baby, who would you want to see in your crystal ball?

"I'm In Love With a Younger Man"

Tres Community — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:00:00 -0800

This post comes from our Confession Booth group in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I've finally fallen in love. He is everything I have ever dreamed of. We are a perfect match in every way. He makes me feel calm. He makes me feel complete. He complements me in every way. We're on the same level and we are equals.
He's crazy about me and I'm wild about him. We've been together almost two years and he's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

He is almost six years younger than me and while I don't think about it, others point it out. I'm almost 30 and I hate feeling like I'm doing something wrong by being with him and wanting a future with him. Sometimes I just feel old even though he does nothing but make me feel beautiful. He's the most amazing person I know.

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community - join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!