TresSugar

The How-To Lounge: Avoiding Lines

DearSugar — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 08:00:00 -0700

If you’re anything like me, then the idea of standing in a line for longer than a minute or two makes you want to go home and crawl under the covers. I’m exaggerating a bit, but you know what I mean - lines can really dampen a mood! If you feel the same way, see my tips for dealing with the dreaded line and read more.

If you’re going somewhere you know is crowded at a particular time, like after work or first thing in the morning, put off your trip for one hour. Even an hour can make a huge difference. And waiting in your house or office is far better than waiting in line.
If you’re going to an event that will be expecting a huge influx of people at one time, try getting there early or late. It might be slightly inconvenient, but you’ll save yourself so much trouble that you won’t mind. And you'd be surprised how much even 15 minutes can help.
If you’re going to be alone, bring your iPod, a book, or a magazine that will keep you occupied while you wait. Taking your mind off of the line really does make it feel like it’s moving faster.
If you have someone else with you, then break up the monotony by letting one person walk around or do errands while the other waits. Switching off like this will not only give you each a break, but it’s a good opportunity to get other stuff done too.
And of course, if applicable, always buy tickets in advance.

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You Asked: He's Sending Mixed Signals

DearSugar — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend of two and a half years broke up with me about a month ago. Before the breakup things were great; we were having a wonderful Summer. We talked of being together forever and we were so in love, but he had other things going on in his life. He didn't get into the school he wanted and is now taking a year off to work. It's a hard issue for him; I think he feels like a failure. But when he's home, all he does is play video games and he only works three days a week.

I do love him and he's very important to me, but it seems like he ended things just so he could avoid commitment. He said he doesn't love me the same way anymore but wants to remain friends, although his behavior has shown nothing like that. Recently I decided to stop contact with him, and I noticed that his phone calls started coming in more frequently. When we do see each other, which is rare, he tries to flirt with me. I'm sick of him calling me all the time and acting as if we're together when we're not. I've tried to talk to him and set boundaries, but so far all he's done is try to surpass them. My question is what else can I do to get the point across? How can I help him realize that he needs to be more responsible? How can I communicate these things and ultimately help him find his way?

- Over It Ilea

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Over It Ilea,

I've seen this situation before, and it's most assuredly a frustrating one. Fortunately, it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and I'm glad to hear you're not up for allowing this behavior to continue. He does sound lost, and I'm sure his sense of failure in school, and life, is definitely a factor in his fears about continuing a relationship. However, regardless of the reason, you deserve someone who wants to be with you through good and bad. I mean, that's what relationships are really about. He's obviously afraid of losing you, which is why his phone calls picked up when you backed off. But that's the choice he's made, and he's never going to learn the consequences of that until he feels them.

Instead of trying to talk to him, get straight to your point. Be clear that you can no longer play the role of the de facto girlfriend. If he doesn't want to be with you, then he doesn't get to be with you and that's that. While you're at it, go ahead and mention that you think he needs to start taking some initiative in life. Encourage him to apply to schools for next year or start taking classes at a local community college. But once you've made your stance clear, you have to stand by it. Maybe he'll change down the line, and in that case, you guys can start considering a relationship again, but in the meantime, focus on your own future.

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Where Do You Stand? Saying "I Told You So"

DearSugar — Mon, 08 Sep 2008 15:00:00 -0700

When it comes to dispensing advice to our loved ones, it’s difficult to know when it's worth it. And if you do decide to speak up against a bad decision only to be ignored, it can be incredibly frustrating to watch as what you predicted would happen does. If I end up in that situation, my first reaction is to dispense the requisite “I told you so.” However, time and experience has taught me that “I told you so” does little good. Either your friend still won’t get it, or they'll already be beating themselves up enough. So, since I’m sure we’ve all been on the receiving end at one time or another, where do you stand when it comes to dishing out “I told you so's"? Do you avoid it or do think it’s something someone else should hear?

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Handle This: Your Friend Surpasses You

DearSugar — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A few months ago, you and a girlfriend decided to finally lose some weight that you've both been complaining about. Since you were both looking to lose pounds within the same range and starting at the same physical activity level, doing it together seems like a great idea.

But now she’s completely surpassed you weight-loss wise, and she's looking amazing. She remains a diligent and motivating partner, but the problem is that every time you guys work out or go to dinner together, you just end up wondering what’s wrong with you. You’re starting to feel more and more jealous and down on yourself so how do you handle this?

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Do Tell: Do You Talk About Your Co-Workers to Other Friends at Work?

DearSugar — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Even if you don't spend time with your work buddies outside of the office, you've probably made some pretty good "work friends" - you know those people you can vent to, share exciting news with, and gossip. And when the going gets tough between nine and five, they are the only ones that can understand your frustration so it's no wonder we all rely so much on them. And I know it's not the most PC thing to do, but it's pretty common to vent about other people in the office to those trusted confidants. I'll admit that I do it on occasion so do tell, do you talk about other co-workers, even your boss, to your friends at work? Don't worry, I won't tattle on you!

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This or That: His Mom's a Diva or a Control Freak?

DearSugar — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 12:00:00 -0700

You knew your fiancé’s mom had issues, but since you’ve started wedding planning, you’ve really been able to see her true colors. Now you’re in direct contact with her multiple times a week without your fiancé as a buffer. Would it be worse if . . .

This: She somehow manages to make every aspect of planning about her? You’ve spent more time helping her find a dress than focusing on your own wedding gown! When you call her out on it, she only gets more outlandish.

Or . . .

That: She’s completely taken over all of the planning? You feel like you don't have a say in your own wedding and when you try to make a suggestion, she tells you that she's already taken care of it.

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You Asked: I've Never Had an Orgasm

DearSugar — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've never had an orgasm. Not with another person or on my own. All the advice I find just tells me to relax and spend some time alone getting to know myself. And I've been trying that all these years with no luck. I am frustrated beyond belief! I get so stressed out about it that I often end up in tears. I know stress can be a factor, but knowing that doesn't help. I've discussed it with my various boyfriends over the years, and they have felt bad about it, but have no better ideas than me. I've read that some women go their entire lives without ever experiencing one. I don't want to be one of those women. Please help!

- Feeling Awful About Orgasms Alice

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Feeling Awful About Orgasms Alice,

Alice, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sexuality, especially that of females, is incredibly complicated. Everyone is made and develops differently. While it's true some women out there are unable to experience an orgasm, just because you haven't yet, it doesn't mean that you never will. Orgasms are nearly impossible when you're distracted, and there's nothing as distracting as the pressure of trying to climax.

As much as I know you want this, you have to stop making an orgasm the be all end all of your sexual encounters. Let your body remember what it's like to enjoy sex without the stress of something that may or may not happen. Instead of trying various positions and movements to see if they'll elicit the response you're looking for, focus on the sensation that you're actually feeling. If you can learn to enjoy the moment, it will help relieve all the stress and disappointment you're coping with.

Though it sounds like you're already doing it, don't stop communicating with your partners about what you like and don't like. And be sure to use lubrication, which can turn a dismal sexual experience to an extremely sensual and arousing one. Give yourself a break for a while and just let your body do what it naturally does. Sometimes the moment you let go is the moment things turn out, but in any case, you'll be ultimately more satisfied if you can find the pleasure in sex without an orgasm.

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You Asked: My Mother Won't Help Me

DearSugar — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My parents are divorced and I've lived in my mother's house for most of my life. I'm currently a student at a very prestigious college. My mom has never fulfilled her responsibilities as a mother. Throughout childhood, I was barely fed and lacked balanced nutrition. My meals were always frozen dinners that my mother bought in wholesale. I've had to work since I was 14 years old so I could pay for my academic competition fees, my own computer, and a lot of my personal expenses. Since my earnings were usually in cash, my mother would "borrow" from me but never pay it back.

I have worked very hard to get where I am, but right now I am struggling to pay for college while my mother lives a lavish lifestyle beyond her means. In the three times that my mother has ever needed to fill out my financial aid applications, she has been four months past due, costing me thousands of dollars that she doesn't contribute to. I paid my first year of college on my own. When I asked my mother to help me with my second year, she acted surprised that I even needed to pay for college at all.

She cries to me that she lives from paycheck to paycheck, but I've seen her collection of expensive perfume and designer sunglasses, and the entire basement piled with her clothes. My father is barely employed with a low salary. I feel terrible asking him for anything. He lives well below his means in order to pay child support and his bills. I'm working overtime, but I'm running out of ideas as the tuition payment deadline approaches. Do you have any advice on how to persuade my mother to help me?

- Dead Broke Brooke

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Dead Broke Brooke,

I have no doubt that your frustrations with your mother are legitimate, but it doesn't sound like she's about to change anytime soon. I'm so sorry that things have to be this way, but I think the sooner you learn to accept that your mother is not your ally, the sooner you'll be able to let go of some of this stress.

First of all, it's time for you to take over your financial aid forms. See about getting your dad, who it sounds like has a much lower income than your mom, to claim you; I think it's very likely you'll be able to qualify for more aid, and he might actually get it in on time too! Meanwhile, request a meeting with someone in the financial aid department and start looking into other ways to get some of your tuition paid for. If you have to, drop to part time or consider taking a leave of absence. Whatever you do, stop asking your mom for money.

And finally, start speaking to a therapist through your on-campus health center. I think you have some serious pain regarding the way you were raised and treated by your mother. It's time to start to detach and distance yourself from those feelings; I guarantee on the other side there is much more happiness. Good luck to you.

Source

You Asked: He's Too Sarcastic

DearSugar — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating a great guy for five years now, but often I am annoyed by his sarcastic, hostile, and almost snobbish attitude. Sometimes it just seems like he can't be nice or get along with anyone - he's even mean to his friends. I love him very much, and he says that he loves me, too, but I'm not sure I can handle this anymore. We've been through so much together, but lately things are getting too hard.

My family doesn't trust him, and ever since I got into a spat with his brother whom he lives with, conversations with his family have been very strained. I feel uncomfortable when I'm at his parents' house, and I can tell they now have some animosity towards me. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about all of these issues, but he doesn't like to discuss them so instead he ignores me, and they get worse. In fact, he can't have a real adult conversation without getting angry and being childish. Am I just completely stuck? What do I do?

- Sick of His Attitude Alice

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Sick of His Attitude Alice,

If you're asking whether or not you're stuck with his sarcastic behavior then the answer is yes. As long as you stay with someone who refuses to change his bad attitude or even discuss it, then you'll always be dealing with it. However, you're never stuck in your relationship. It can take a long time to accept and process, but learning that love is not always enough to make for a healthy or happy relationship is an important lesson. Things like communication, respect, personal responsibilities, and family can all play a very serious role in determining the success of a couple.

It sounds like you've just about hit your breaking point, so perhaps now is the time to try taking some time apart while you both figure out if you want to continue to invest yourselves in this relationship. And don't be afraid to let your boyfriend know that his inability to talk with you makes it impossible for your relationship to grow or change. I think it's important that he understands the role he plays in your frustration. Whatever happens, always remind yourself that you're never stuck in an unhappy situation; there's always a solution, even if it's a scary one.

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The How-To Lounge: Making It Through Something You Just Don't Want to Do

DearSugar — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

Part of being an adult is doing things you just don’t want to do, so I’m sure most of you have tolerated an occasion that you would have given anything to avoid. Since I’m sure you all have silent suffering down pat, I have a few suggestions for making it through a dreaded event without the agony. Check them out, and read more.

There’s no point in fretting about it if you know you have to go somewhere or do something, so stop dreading it. Don't let a future event that you have no control over ruin your mood now.
Make the best of the situation by trying to find one redeemable thing about participating in something you don’t want to do. Maybe you can connect with an old friend or learn something valuable. Or maybe the biggest thrill is just being able to say you did it. Whatever it may be, focus on it whenever the going gets tough.
Find the humor in everything. Being able to laugh can make an otherwise miserable situation actually enjoyable.
Give yourself something else to think about, like what you’re going to treat yourself with when you’re finished, or how you’ll describe the whole situation to a friend. Removing your mind from the situation will definitely make time go by faster.
Just relax! Since you have to do it, you might as well take a few deep breaths and get through it without letting frustration and anxiety take over. It will be so much more pleasant if your blood pressure isn’t skyrocketing.

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