TresSugar

Dear Poll: What's the Worst Part About Getting your Period?

DearSugar — Thu, 14 Jun 2007 14:45:00 -0700

If you're female, you suffer from the effects of Aunt Flow just like the rest of us. Although it's just a part of life, I think it is fair to say that every woman can empathize with constant complaining about the side effects of your period. Since every woman is different and no period is the same, what do you think is the worst part about getting your monthly visitor?

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I Feel LOST

DearSugar — Fri, 25 May 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I'm lost. I just finished college and now have my first $30K plus BBA (bachelor's degree in business studies) at 31 years (sad but true); I'm stuck in a rut. I have about a 3.45 GPA or something...I didn't go to Stanford, Yale, Harvard, so no job offers are landing on my doorstep. I live in the middle of nowhere...seriously, NW Minnesota...middle of nowhere.

I feel lost. I think I should start studying for the GMAT and go back & get a Master's. I swear all the good jobs require an MBA or Master's these days, right?

I have tried looking in all the right places for a job, even a
telecommuting type job, and cannot locate anything. I'm 31, I have no kids, I have 2 cats, and I have a boyfriend whom I love so much that I stay in this piddly little town for his sake.

Do I accept the fact that I will be doomed forever to a life of misery and failure? Or does someone actually feel that life can sometimes be fair and I should be able to have both things I want? I feel like I've been wounded in a sword fight, crying my eyes out each night is not ideal. What can I do?

--Lost Linda

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Lost Linda--

It may make you feel better to know that many people feel as frustrated and stuck as you do. It sounds like you are really motivated and want to fix this situation, so that's a great first start.

Getting your masters will give you a leg up, but keep looking -- there have got to be some jobs out there that pay more than $30K that don't require the degree. Talking to a career counselor might be helpful as well. They could offer suggestions as to what your next steps need to be taken in order to get a higher paying job.

I know you said that you love your boyfriend and want to stay with him, but your career sounds equally important, so have you thought about moving to the closest biggest city with him? Remaining in an unhappy job and town isn't healthy for you or your relationship, so explore your options, because you have some here - it just might take some time to make it happen. Good luck Linda.

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Ask a Wife: How Do I Stop Being the Other Woman?

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:00:58 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a woman in a happy marriage tries to help out a woman stuck in an affair. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:

I am involved with a married man and I don't know how to stop. He's been married for a couple of years, and his wife often goes out of town. I feel like I'm in a relationship with him: he calls or texts before he goes to sleep, cooks me dinner when he can, and we talk about almost anything with each other. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, and it doesn't seem like he's going to. He just says he wishes we would have met before he got married. I know deep down that this is so wrong, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I feel too happy when I'm around him. Help!

Signed,
The Other Woman

To see the advice, read more.

Dear The Other Woman,

I have some bad news and some good news. First, the bad news: you are not happy. You are in a relationship that is damaging to both you and this man's wife. The only person remotely benefiting from the situation is this unfaithful person you are involved with.

Now the good news: real happiness does exist. You can find someone - who's not married - to talk, laugh, cry, and have sex with. And it will be so much better. But first you need to do some work on yourself. Look at your life and decide what type of person you want to be. Do you want the adjectives selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful to describe who you are? Or would you rather have the words loving, faithful, and complete describe your behavior and your relationship? Next you need to boost your confidence. Think about what has made you do something that is undoubtedly so hurtful to yourself and this other woman. Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you think this is the best thing you can get? If so, let me tell you that a little patience can go a long way. Focus on the things you really enjoy in life (do you like running? painting? traveling?), the things that make you excited, and you will only become more desirable.

The search for love is a hard and frustrating one, but you are just going down a dark and depressing path with nothing but hurt waiting at the end of it. End things with this unavailable man, figure out why you love yourself, and then you will find someone who loves you for all those qualities too.

Signed,
A Wife

Ask a Trader: Is He Into Me?

TresSugar — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 06:00:00 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a trader helps out a frustrated woman. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's question:

I have been seeing this man for a little over a month. He is significantly older than me (13 years) and pretty busy. We talked last weekend and both said we wanted to take things slow due to failed past relationships (jumping into them too quickly; he was engaged).

That's perfectly fine with me, but the problem is that we never talk. We Facebook message each other, but it's extremely brief two word phrases. When the weekend hits, we might see each other one day. When we do see each other, he acts like he really enjoys my company until I say something nice (he runs a gallery, so I told him if he ever needs help getting a show set up, to let me know) in which case he kind of buries his head. He also won't respond if I send him a compliment via one of our Facebook messages.

He does let me keep some toiletries at his house if I ever spend the night, which is rare - we don't have sex either. I really like this guy and want to get to know him, but it seems impossible and I feel like I'm just getting strung along. Should I talk to him and tell him what I expect with "taking it slow" or something? Or does it seem he really isn't into me at all? Would he really string me along if he knows I don't want to get hurt anymore?

Signed,
Taking it Too Slow

To see the trader's answer, read more.

Dear Taking it Too Slow,

It sounds like, for whatever reason, this guy is not romantically attracted to you. You are right to worry that he lets you stay overnight and keep toiletries at his house, without ever making a move. You say you really like him, but I must recommend that you not waste too much more time on him without knowing he feels the same way because it sounds like you keep putting forth effort, without getting anything back from him. Tell him how you feel, and if he shares those feelings then you can explore the possibility of a real relationship together. If he says he's just not ready, this is your cue to move on and trade up. And no need to second-guess breaking off your sexless sleepovers: if he really does have feelings for you, he'll come back when he's ready, and if you want to, you can give him another shot.

Signed,
A Trader

Women's Gyms to Be Banned in Saudi Arabia

TresSugar — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 15:00:00 -0700

Feeling too lazy to go to the gym? You might jump on a treadmill or lift a few weights in solidarity with women in Saudi Arabia who face the shutdown of all women-only gyms.

Saudi women already face extreme limitations on their freedoms under Wahhabi Islam: they are not allowed to drive, vote, or run for public office; they must be covered in the presence of unfamiliar men; and they're required to have a male guardian.

And now, because the government has agreed to license fitness clubs for men only - categorizing women's gyms as unlicensed and illegal - they have nowhere to exercise without the scrutinizing eyes of men.

In protest, Saudi women recently launched a campaign called "Let Her Get Fat" which protested the decision to close down all-female fitness clubs that are not under the supervision of a government hospital or clinic.

Even entrepreneurs are frustrated. Interested in hearing why? Then read more.

Businessman Bader Al-Shibani, wanting to open a women's fitness club in Jeddah along with the men's club he runs, was told by the government they didn't have the authority to let him do that. "I ran into a stone wall at every turn," he said. "In the end, I just abandoned the project."

So what's the big deal about women working out? For one thing, in a kingdom that intensely regulates the female body, the idea that a woman would focus on strengthening her body - for her own gratification - must rankle patriarchs on a symbolic level. Leading Saudi clerics see an even more imminent threat. If women exercise, they argue, they'll be tempted to leave their homes and neglect their husbands and children.

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Craigslist Casual Encounters: A New(ish) Sexual Frontier

TresSugar — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 10:00:00 -0700

I wonder how many people Craigslist founder Craig Newmark has helped to find an apartment, sell a guitar . . . or hook up.

Besides its helpful housing, for sale, and job sections, Craigslist has a personals section that caters to every predilection, ranging from the strictly platonic to relationship seekers to Casual Encounters - its anonymous sex hookup section.

Sometimes dangerous and often disappointing, Casual Encounters is nevertheless part of what gives the Craigslist personals section higher traffic than other online personals sites - including Match.com, eHarmony, and Yahoo personals.

"Our users like the ability to be both candid and, initially, anonymous," says Newmark matter of factly about Casual Encounters, which accounts for 2 percent of all Craigslist postings.

In a recent New York Times trend piece, 100 or so users were interviewed about their experiences and provided a peek into who posts and answers those ads: Craigslist Casual Encounters attracts a gamut, from "desperados" to prostitutes and spammers and thrill-seeking hotties. Click here to read more.

Nola, a 42-year-old saleswoman in Manhattan, seeks men who will meet her in a public place, so she can go to the bathroom, take her underwear off, and hand it to them in an envelope - for a fee. Melvin, a 35-year-old divorcé, recently made the mistake of going to a woman's apartment before meeting her in public, finding that she was insecure about her weight and trying to hide it by turning out the lights.

And then there's someone like Michael, a handsome artist who claims, "I've met some extraordinarily beautiful women, had a few extraordinary sexual encounters that made my teeth itch and my brain sweat, put me in states of weird contemplation like, 'My God, I’ve never experienced that before.'"

Casual Encounters has been around since 2000 and has probably changed the way a lot of sexually frustrated people deal with dry spells. The question is - does it work? And is it healthy for the parties involved?

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Ask a Bad Boy: Are Hot Men Only Interested in Hot Women?

DearSugar — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 07:30:00 -0800

Steve Santagati, the author of The Manual, is back! To ask Steve questions of your own, simply submit them here or in the comments section below. Enjoy!

Dear Steve,

I'm no Ugly Betty, but I'm not a super model either, and I'm having a hard time meeting a man. It seems like the hot men I'm attracted to are only attracted to beautiful women - regardless of their personality - and I'm starting to feel incredibly discouraged. Whatever happened to a guy being interested in a woman for her charisma, her humor, or her intelligence? I'm trying hard not to lump all men into the same category, but not one has proven me wrong. Are men really that shallow? Are looks all that matter? - Frustrated Faith

To see Steve's answer read more

Dear Frustrated Faith,

It can be argued that men are - in fact - more shallow than women. Yes, men are more visually driven creatures and we're often obvious in the reasons behind our female selections. At least with men you know what you're up against. But women are tricky in what they say versus how they execute their mating decisions. Women are often just as bad as men, though their criteria may be different, the superficial standards garner the same results; women want someone hot.

How often have you heard this, it's like a broken record; "I want him to love me for me, I want him to love me for my inside." Yea, well what if the "outside" is lazy, unkempt, and lacks basic femininity? There are women out there who will blame men for being a "Shallow Hal" when in fact it's their own fault men don't notice or ask them out. Think about it, if you saw a house covered in vines with rats running around the front yard, I doubt you'd want to take a look inside. Even if that "inside" is the Taj Mahal, you have to look good inside and outside.

The problem(s):

Many women and men try to date out of their league in looks, education, and life interests.
Many women and men don't take the time to eat properly, dress well, or take care of their bodies, yet they still expect to get a stud or a studette.
Many women make excuses and blame people - other than themselves - for their misfortune in love. Remember; whenever you point your finger, you have three fingers pointing back at yourself. Cliche maybe, but true.

The solution:

Stand in the mirror naked. Love your body type regardless of what type it is. Don't read women's magazines or let TV tell you what sexy is. Men love all types. We just don't love lazy and unhealthy. It's not more complicated than that.
Take stock of "what you have to bring to the table". Are you well traveled? Do you have a ton of hobbies? Are you funny and fun to be with? Do you like music? How smart are you? What kind of shape are you in? Are you a sex machine? Go for someone that is equal or maybe one rung up in those categories.
Be culpable and honest with yourself; we're all shallow to some degree or another. I've challenged the "love me for my inside" types by telling them I had a great guy for them. I explained that he weighed 350 pounds, didn't have all his teeth, and was balding. I also explained that he's loyal, cooks, loves sex, and adores women. To this match attempt I've received a steady breath of "no ways".

So in the end - ladies and gentlemen - we are all shallow; some of which is based in our proclivity towards following natural selection and part of which is rooted in stupidity or delusion. The news you can use is: In the beginning, we're all a bit shallow, but what keeps a relationship going is charisma, humor, and intelligence. [And a million other things, but I'll leave it at that!]

To purchase The Manual, click here and if you're wondering where Steve got that T-shirt he's wearing, click here to shop his entire assortment!

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Do Women Get "Blue Balls" Too?

DearSugar — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A couple weeks ago I posted about whether blue balls were a real condition: When a guy becomes aroused, blood rushes to his nether regions and an erection is born. If he doesn't have an orgasm, many guys claim they're left with an unbearable feeling below the waist known as "blue balls."

So is there some equivalent condition for women? To find out read more.

Yes, women can experience the same thing. This feeling is both physically irritating and emotionally frustrating. It's a type of vasocongestion, which basically means swelling of tissues due to increased blood flow. For women, there's no specific term for this issue. I think it has to do with the fact that scientifically speaking, it's no big deal for a woman not to have an orgasm since the purpose of sex is to have babies. A female orgasm doesn't make that happen, but a guy's does, so that's why his orgasm may be considered more important. I also think that it's become socially acceptable for a guy to climax every time he has sex. Maybe men thought that if they came up with a name for this condition, we'd feel more obligated to "cure" the problem, but puleeze - women deserve to orgasm just as often as men!

The good news is that although it may be tough to fall asleep with your mind on sex, the physical aching quickly subsides as soon as the blood flow to the area decreases. With both men and women, you don't have to worry about this feeling causing any harm to your privates. If you're experiencing "blue balls," there's no reason why you can't just take matters into your own hands, if you know what I mean!

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You Asked: Can I Learn to Tolerate Her?

DearSugar — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been great friends with my boyfriend for 10 years now and we have been dating for three. Throughout that time, I've become close with many of his friends. I love them dearly and I respect the close relationships he has maintained throughout the years, and I know that they respect and love me as their own good friend now too. Unfortunately, from day one, I have never really taken to my boyfriend's best friend's now-wife. She was rude to me when we began dating and later explained that she just didn't like "outsiders" dating her best friend - but I'm not an outsider! We were friends for 10 years before we started to date! Of course knowing how much his friends mean to him, we laughed it off. As the years pass, I can't help but cringe when I find out she will be anywhere we are. And the sad thing is I absolutely adore her husband. He is sweet, kind, smart, and a ton of fun. In social settings, she is alienating, rude, loud, unkempt, and just a total nightmare to be around.

I love all the other guys’ girlfriends, but this one makes my skin crawl and I can't take it anymore. What can I do to have a good time when we're all out? I hate having my evenings ruined because I have to listen to the loud, obnoxious things that she says. Any ideas? - Fed Up Phoebe

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Fed Up Phoebe,

Just from reading your letter, I can feel your frustration. It sounds to me like this woman is very protective of her friends, but since you've been part of this group for three years now, it's absolutely time for her to let you in. Since she and her husband are constant fixtures in your boyfriend's life, you're going to have to make this tolerable somehow. Whenever I meet people that I don't mesh well with, it's easy for me to pick up on the things I don't like, but I've found that once I fixate on the negatives, I end up disliking that person even more. So, instead of letting her get under your skin, try to find some good in her, or at least something you have in common. I also suggest talking to her. If she's affecting you this much, chances are she feels it too, so perhaps a good heart-to-heart is in order.

Since you've made friendships with the other girls, try to hang out with them more when you're in a group setting. I'm not telling you to alienate her - two wrongs don't make a right - but when she starts to annoy you, simply walk away. Unfortunately, not everyone gets along, and while it can cause awkwardness within a circle of friends, it's important to realize that you don't have to be her best friend in order to have fun with everyone else. Perhaps after a talk you guys can agree to disagree, but keeping the elephant in the room is only going to make matters worse.

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The Period That Won't Quit

DearSugar — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 10:00:00 -0700

Now that we've delved into what is and isn't normal when it comes to your period, I thought we could take a closer look at what can cause a period that lasts longer than an average of seven days. If you're experiencing this frustrating change in your cycle, a trip to your gynecologist is a necessity. But in the meantime, it's a good idea to educate yourself on possible explanations in order to prepare yourself for your exam. Here are some of the general possibilities:

For women on the pill, spotting or extended bleeding may be solved with a simple change in prescription to a pill with a higher dosage - not all pills are created equal when it comes to hormones. Or if you're chronically tardy when it comes to taking your pill, you may just need to be more diligent.
If you're not on the pill, hormonal issues can still play a role. If you're having any other strange symptoms outside of your period, be sure to mention them to your gyno; she may want to make sure your thyroid gland is functioning properly.
Both IUCs and Depo-Provera can cause irregular bleeding. If you've started experiencing spotting after trying out either of those methods of contraception, and it lasts for an extended period of time, you may want to discuss the possibility of trying out an entirely different method.

To see other reasons that may account for heavy, prolonged bleeding, read more.

If you're experiencing excessive bleeding, persisting over two weeks or more, there are more significant issues that could be at fault, including uterine fibroids, endometriosis, or ovarian cysts. Be sure to tell your doctor if you have any kind of pain or physical discomfort accompanying the excess bleeding.
Heavy bleeding post-period can also be a symptom of a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy, both of which are very serious. Even if you feel sure you can't possibly be pregnant, it's important to be seen by your doctor.

Dear's Advice: Every woman's different, so don't panic if your cycle differs from your peers. However, if you've noticed a change in your cycle, it's always a good idea to make an appointment to see your gynecologist and make sure that everything is functioning as it should. And don't be afraid to let her in on any other issues you may be experiencing, including emotional ones, as they could be related.

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