TresSugar

You Asked: I Keep Turning My Friends Into Enemies!

DearSugar — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

Lately I've been feeling like I'm turning my friends into my enemies whenever they do something bad to me. I guess you can say that I don't know how to forgive and forget. I used to treasure my friendships so much until one incident in high school where my best friend ditched me for another friend. I know it sounds very elementary school, but it still hurts.

I've since let go of the "friends forever" belief and end up completely shutting people out of my life whenever I feel double crossed. Now my friendships are few and far between and I'm upset because I no longer have that special bond with someone. I really don't want this mentality to follow me through adulthood but how can I change the way I view my current friendships? - Overly Sensitive Sandra

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Having a friendship go sour can be just as devastating as breaking up with a lover. The feelings of loss and betrayal are very similar so I completely understand your position, but just because one friend chose someone to call her BFF instead of you, it doesn't mean that all of your friendships will have the same outcome.

Turning your friends into enemies is a clear defense mechanism, but building walls and hurting someone else before they hurt you won't solve anything. People make mistakes, and your friends will probably hurt your feelings many times along the way, but that's what makes them human! I can almost guarantee that you're not perfect either so if you keep the lines of communication open with your friends, chances are you can work through whatever misunderstandings come your way.

I'm someone that cherishes my friendships like family, but I can tell you firsthand that all friendships have their highs and lows. Sure, it can hurt when you feel left out or feel second best, but remember, good friends will be there for you no matter what. Talk out your fears and try to give people the benefit of the doubt. It might take some time to build up your trust levels, but once you do, you'll be happy you did.

Source

Group Therapy: My Best Friend Wants More

Wed, 14 May 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I have been best friends with "John" since we were both 15 years old. We are 26 now, and he is beginning to express an interest in something more than just friendship. I feel completely unsure about this.

I just started seeing a guy about a month ago, and now John is pointing out all of this new guy's faults and our lack of similar interests. Of course he's also quick to note that he and I have tons in common. I have never thought of John as anything other than a friend, but at the same time, I have never gotten along or connected with anyone like I do John. I'm terrified of losing our friendship. Should I give him a chance and encourage this or do I just refuse?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Source

Group Therapy: Friend Constantly Late

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 14:15:26 -0700

My friend Jane is constantly late and this is putting a real strain on the friendship. She is always late, no matter what time of day or what occasion (meeting friends for lunch, going on vacation, going to work, etc). It is driving me crazy, but I don't feel like I can say anything to her since my group of friends are also her friends and they don't seem to have any major issues with it. (Or if they do, they're not saying.) She's nearly 30 and I think she should have her life together better than this.

The last straw for me was yesterday when she was supposed to meet me at my house at 6pm to go to dinner. At 7:30pm she called me to say she was on her way. When I asked where she'd been, she said she'd stopped on the way to get coffee(!!!!). And she doesn't see this sort of behavior as rude or inappropriate. I don't want to lose her friendship but I really feel as though I should not have to put up with her lateness anymore. It stresses me out and makes me feel as though she does not value our friendship. Please help.

I'm Stuck In The Friend Zone

DearSugar — Wed, 08 Nov 2006 14:14:03 -0800

Dear Sugar
I have been very close friends with this guy around the corner from my house for about four years. We do everything together. We love being with each other and so we spend most of our time together. We tell each other everything and I think that he is just perfect.

Neither one of us are dating anyone right now so we always get the "why don't you guys try dating each other?" question. We both just say that it's because we are such good friends but lately I have been asking myself that same question!

The more we spend time together the more I am beginning to like him in that way. Sometimes I think he feels the same way, but other times I am just not sure. Do you think that I should talk to him about this? I am kind of scared. If I say something to him, I run the risk of losing my best friend, but if I keep quiet, I run the risk of losing my potential Mr. Right. I am so confused. Good Pal Val

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Good Pal Val
Go for it, life is too short and good men are hard to find. If I were you, I'd snatch him up while you can. Speaking your mind is a risky and bold, but could be well worth it in the long run. Trust your feelings and remember that he's your friend because you can openly and freely talk to him about anything.

Always prepare yourself for the worst, but the worst is your current situation. You'll always be best buds so if more is what you want, then you've got to try and get it! I know this could be an awkward conversation and it could totally catch him off guard. How about trying this out. You could say:

"This is so uncomfortable for me, but I really want to talk to you about our frienship. Recently, I've developed feelings for you that go above and beyond our friend zone. I've debated whether or not I should say anything to you about this, but I think it's time to come clean in the hopes that you share my feelings."

Oftentimes, Mr. Right is literally right in front of your face but you are too close to realize it. I hope this works out for you guys. If not, and he just wants to stay friends, unfortunately you are going to have to accept his wishes.

Be as graceful as possible about it and allow yourself some space to heal. Once you are OK again, go back to being friends. Good luck. It would really be wonderful to see you end up with your best friend; it's every girl's dream come true.