TresSugar

Do Tell: What Are Your Rules For Casual Sex?

TresSugar — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 08:30:40 -0700

I never noticed the similarities between a friends with benefits relationship and a temp job, until I watched this adorable little vid explaining how to have casual sex. It presents a pretty solid set of rules that can be applied to both temp jobs and FWB arrangements, including "don't leave anything there" and "don't expect special treatment on your birthday." Hilarious, but also great advice.

Have you ever been in a friends with benefits relationship? If so, what rules and tips would you offer for others getting into the temping game? Or would you just recommend people avoid it completely?

You Asked: I Don't Want to Be Used Anymore

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 12:51:20 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been hooking up with a guy for about a month now and he continues to surprise me by how genuinely sweet he is every time we hook up. Unfortunately though, he doesn't want a relationship - he has considered it many times but something always changes his mind.

I continually get angry at myself for allowing him to, for lack of a better word, use me. On many occasions I tried to just be friends with him, but we always end up going back to the same old thing. He's been very vocal about not wanting a relationship, but I'm left confused because his actions tell me something different. Is there hope for us? - Wanting More Maureen

To see DearSugar's answer read more.

Dear Wanting More Maureen,

While actions speak louder than words, I think you should take what he says to heart this time. A month is a pretty long time to hook up without taking it to the next level, so if you're left unfulfilled with the relationship you have, I suggest you cut ties and move on. If he does come to the realization that he wants something more, revisit the situation, but until then, put yourself first. Feeling like you're being used will eventually wreak havoc on your self-esteem.

Source

Group Therapy: I Can't Live With Him; But I Can't Live Without Him.

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 04:00:00 -0800

I fell in love with someone who will never love me the way I want him to. We are the best of friends as well as being lovers; we make each other happy, but I always long for more. I always knew we were not in a "relationship", but I thought we had an understanding that we would not sleep with other people.

Earlier this month, he told me that he slept with another woman about a year ago, and it crushed me. He said that he saw our relationship differently. He was unapologetic about his actions, but apologized for how it made me feel. He insists that it was purely physical, and I believe him, but I can't help but be saddened by his actions. Since then it has been hard for me to open up to him again. I know I hold some resentment, but deep down I would rather have part of him than not have him at all. All I want is for us to be together so how do I show him that he is missing out by not being with me?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own
question here.]

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You Asked: My Friend With Benefits Doesn't Make an Effort

DearSugar — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 14:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I had a horrible breakup not too long ago, and so I'm not currently dating right now. I'm OK with being single, but the one thing that I am not a fan of is the lack of sex. I started up a sex-buddy relationship with an ex of mine that I'm still really good friends with because we're both unattached, but I never see him! Our schedules are hard to coordinate and I don't feel that he makes the effort. I read your rules on casual sex, but I don't know how to talk to him about our lack of sex or even if I should since we're not in an actual relationship. I would think that he would be jumping at the chance for hot sex with no strings attached! Should I confront him about this or am I better off just leaving it alone?

- Sexless Stacey

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Sexless Stacey,

It's true that the general idea behind a friends-with-benefits situation is that you actually get to have sex when you want, but it's also a situation centered on convenience - yours and his. By broaching this subject with him, you're automatically redefining your relationship and venturing out of the casual and into the emotional. If you want this guy to just be your sex buddy then you have to accept the flippant nature of that relationship. But instead of dealing with all of that, why not give yourself a hand and use a vibrator! I know it's not the same as having sex, but the perks are unbeatable - it comes with absolutely no drama and it's available whenever you want it!

Source

Handle This: Your Friend With Benefits Is Seeing Someone on the Same Night

DearSugar — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Although your friends warned you about a friends-with-benefits situation, you did so anyways, and so far things have been going well. The sex is satisfying and you are both very respectful of the other, or so it seems.

One night when you have plans to meet up with your special friend for a lustful night, you decide to go grab dinner and drinks with girlfriends first. You’re totally shocked when you see your guy leading another woman out of the very same restaurant. You don’t care about dating other people, but to think of him seeing her on the same night that he plans on seeing you is just too strange. How do you handle this?

Source

The Rules of Casual Sex

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 07:00:00 -0700

We've discussed how a friends-with-benefits situation can lead to problems. But if you're single, sometimes you want to be able to enjoy a little nooky with a partner who you actually know, so there are some perks to having a trusted booty call. Of course it's all about finding a balance between physical intimacy and emotional detachment. In the hopes of helping achieve this perfect and elusive equilibrium of the casual hook-up, Daily Bedpost has formulated a list of 25 rules. I picked my favorites below, and threw in a few of my own, too.

Both parties must be either single or in open relationships.
Exes you are currently friends with make ideal booty call partners. However, if one party broke the other's heart, pursuing a booty-call arrangement is a no-no (at least for 24 months).
If you're not having fun, then by definition, it isn't a proper booty call.
Just because the sex is casual doesn't make it an appropriate topic for casual conversation. Be discreet.
Don't assume that duration implies relationship progression.

Click here to see the rest of Daily Bedpost's rules, and to check out my additions, just read more.

If you feel yourself getting emotionally invested, don't convince yourself that he's feeling the same way. In fact, as soon as you notice those feelings rising without reciprocation, end things.
Don't use someone who has feelings for you as your casual hook-up. Imagine how you'd feel if someone did that to you.
Even if you're not sleeping with anyone other than him, get STI tests regularly. (You don't know who else he might be having sex with.)

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You Asked: I Want More From My One Night Stand

DearSugar — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I was in a serious relationship for six years and I am now single. Up until last week, I hadn't had sex in eight months! On Saturday night, I met up with a guy I used to have feelings for. I invited him over and we had sex. There wasn't much flirting, kissing, or any kind of lustful passion. We did it and then hung out for an hour afterwards. I thought that would be the end of that, but he called me the next day and came over. We just hung out that time, but the following day he texted me and we started flirting. It's clear to me that he's looking for a hookup and that he's used to this lifestyle. He's incredibly sexy and I could see him getting girls easily. I know I was wrong for sleeping with him so quickly, but I like him now. Is there anyway to change the direction of our relationship at this point? He obviously sees me as a sex buddy, but I want more. We've been hooking up almost every day now.

- Hooked Up Hilary

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Hooked Up Hilary,

It sounds to me like you and your one night stand have become friends with benefits, at least in his mind. I can't say whether or not you guys can have a more serious relationship - that's up to the two of you - but of course it's possible to try. In order to do so, you're going to have to tell him that you have feelings for him and put an end to the booty calls. But keep in mind that because of how your relationship has been established, your friend may not share your feelings or desire to embark on something more committed. If that's the case then I think it's in your best interest to avoid continuing the friends-with-benefits deal you have going on because it's likely that your feelings will grow, but unlikely that a relationship will blossom. The sex might be nice, but not at the sacrifice of your emotional well-being.

Source

Good Idea or Bad Idea: Becoming More Than Friends With Benefits

DearSugar — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

We’ve had many discussions about friends with benefits here. Though many of us think they’re a recipe for disaster, I’m sure an equal number of people find themselves in the midst of one right now. Understandably, the opportunity for emotions to grow is certainly a point against such relationships. But what if you want emotions to get in the way? Some might say that as soon as you find yourself wanting more, you should hightail it out of your “friendly” situation. But maybe it's the perfect opportunity for something to develop, especially if both people feel it. What do you think?

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You Asked: Will Something Come of This?

DearSugar — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have a guy friend who asked me to be his guest on an all-expenses paid trip next weekend. We have been friends for about a year, but I'm curious to see if it will develop into something more while we're away. I've always been very attracted to him, so how can I tell if he's into me too? I don't want to put myself out there first and get hurt. - Interested Izzie

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Interested Izzie,

Before you go on this trip together, I think it would be a good idea to make sure you're on the same page. Since the jury is still out on whether or not men and women can just be friends, I'm leaning toward thinking he's interested in you as well, but before jumping to conclusions, I think a talk is in order. A vacation is supposed to be fun and relaxing, so getting there and being let down will no doubt put a huge damper on the weekend.

Being fearful of getting hurt is a perfectly normal apprehension, but chances are, he feels the same way. You have to assume he feels something for you - why else would he ask you on this trip? - so if I were you, I'd approach the conversation in a cheeky manner. Flirtatiously ask him if you'll be sharing a bed, or ask him if this will be a romantic weekend or an adventurous one; if you give him some inkling that you're interested, he'll most likely do the same. Follow your instincts on this one, as they most likely won't lead you down the wrong path. Good luck and have fun!

Source

True Confession - Why Did I Complicate Things?

DearSugar — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 07:00:00 -0700

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"We met and became friends with benefits. I loved it and wanted to keep it that way. He, however, had feelings from the beginning and constantly told me that he wanted more. I ended up falling for him and we dated for 10 months. We broke up last week, and now we're friends with benefits again. He loves it, and now I want more. I feel like I'm being punished for being the complicated one from the get-go. I really want this to work out, so can I please be forgiven for brushing him off at first?"

Source