TresSugar

Book Bag: Kingdom of Simplicity Explores Forgiveness

TresSugar — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 14:00:00 -0700

They say an accident happens by chance, with no planning or deliberate intent. And people who knew my sisters would have said just that. It was an accident. But I would like to tell them there are no accidents.There are only opportunities.

Kingdom of Simplicity, the story about an Amish boy who loses his family in a car accident, explores the simple power of forgiveness.

In 1994, author Holly Payne saw her life plans put on hold after she was struck by a drunk driver and left unable to walk for almost a year. A few months after the accident, the man who inflicted the hardship on Holly wrote her a letter asking for her forgiveness. Not ready to confront him, Holly put the letter away. She finally decided to respond to him with this book about forgiveness, which she recently sent to him along with a letter of her own.

Holly says that she wishes she would have gotten back to the driver earlier to free him from the burden of guilt he felt and free herself from her feelings of resentment.

Have you had the opportunity to forgive someone for something significant?

What Are You Sorry For?

DearSugar — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 07:30:00 -0800

I just came across a clever new website - Oopsimsorry.com - which gives people "Options, Opportunities, Possibilities and Solutions (OOPS), to deal with the 'OOPS' that happen in life." Members can anonymously make amends to people they've hurt or disappointed, and they can ask for an apology from someone else too.

Saying I'm sorry isn't always easy, so if there's something you need to get off your chest, tell us what you're sorry for, and be sure to check out Oopsimsorry.com!

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You Asked: I Can't Trust Him

DearSugar — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend for about six years now, five of which have been spent living together. For the past year, we have been staying in different cities due to work, although we'll be getting married in a couple of months. He really loves me, and we have never had any problems regarding another woman previously; however, when I went to visit him recently, I found out he was lying to me about a girl. I found two ticket stubs for two movies that he said he'd gone to by himself. When I pressed he confessed that he'd taken a girl from his office. He lied because he didn't want to hurt me or have me overreact, since they're just friends.

As it turns out she no longer works with him. But I asked him to introduce me to her, since they were friends. He wouldn't so I asked him to cut ties with her because it was causing me anxiety. Now he says he's not in touch with her anymore, and still loves me very much. However, since I'm in a different city, I can't be sure. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but concerns like this coming up right before our wedding really worry me. What do I do? Should I be worried?

- Mistrustful Melissa

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Mistrustful Melissa,

There's nothing wrong with your fiancé befriending someone at the office, and many people enjoy friendships with the opposite sex even when they're in a healthy relationship. The problem is that he lied to you about it, and now you're unable to trust the man that you're about to commit to for a lifetime. If he was so concerned about hurting you, he should have asked you whether you were OK with him going out with another woman.

But now that the damage is done, you guys have to learn to move past it if you want your relationship to work. That means that you need to decide whether or not you can let go of this incident. Otherwise, worries about trust are sure to plague you into married life. Talk to your fiancé. He can't change what he did, but he can make sure to be more open with you in the future. So take some time and determine if his reassurance is enough for you to forgive him, and if it is, then let it go. Either way, start communicating before the wedding, and not after.

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Is It Possible to Truly Forgive?

DearSugar — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 11:00:00 -0700

If you tuned into The Hills last night, you saw Heidi's sheepish attempt to make amends with Lauren. And even though Lauren has admitted to missing her ex BFF, it didn't seem like becoming friends again was high on her priority list, especially if Spencer remains in the picture. Since their relationship has been on the rocks - to say the least - for the past two years, Heidi got to fear that too much damage has been done to reconcile. Forgiveness is a personal choice and one that is often incredibly difficult, but tell me if you've been badly hurt by someone you once truly cared for. Is real forgiveness possible, or is the damage caused irreversible?

Photo courtesy of MTV

You Asked: Should I Forgive My Ex?

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I am a man looking for the advice of women since my male friends aren't sensitive enough to comprehend what I'm going through. I had been going out with this girl on and off for four and a half years. I truly loved her and she was my best friend. We were happy and we shared some of the best times of our lives. But a few months back, while I was on and she was off, she stopped talking to me all together. I tried desperately to get a hold of her but she never called or emailed me back.

Finally she came around again and asked for some space. At first, I refused because I was scared of losing her again but I eventually respected her wishes and let her be on her own but we never called it quits officially; the relationship was simply put on hold. Not long after, I discovered that she had been seeing this other guy during her "time alone." When I confronted her about this, she said she only wanted to be my friend and lied about her new guy so that I would stay friends with her. Feeling betrayed and led on, I told her that she was out of my life for good and that I could never be friends with someone who would break my heart so easily.

Two weeks later I'm still in agony over losing a girl I considered to be my soul mate. I need help deciding whether or not I should try to forgive her and talk things through with her. Could we ever be friends again (maybe more)? Or should I wipe the slate clean and forget about her completely?

- Broken-Hearted Brandon

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Broken-Hearted Brandon,

I'm sorry you're suffering right now. Even under the best of circumstances, ending a relationship is usually difficult and can require months of healing. The desire to want to right all wrongs is normal, but it's important that you view the situation rationally. Your ex made the decision to be with someone else, and in a meager attempt to maintain your friendship, she lied to you about it rather than addressing her position honestly. It could be that she just wanted to protect your feelings, but it could also be that she wanted to protect her own so she wouldn't have to feel guilty.

In my opinion, it's time to move on. And I think it'd be in your best interest to abandon the idea of a continuing friendship, at least for now. Give yourself some distance from this girl so that you can see things more objectively. If you decide that you can forgive her then let it be something you do for yourself to let go.

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Sunday Confessional: He Walked Out of My Life, Now He Wants Back In

DearSugar — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 09:00:00 -0700

I'm 29 years old and got out of a long-term relationship about eight months ago. My boyfriend and I had been together for three years and were planning on moving in together and getting engaged within the year. We had a very happy relationship, and I believed we were very much in love. Then out of the blue, he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore.

I was completely shocked, and told him that he was just feeling stressed out with the move and work, but that things would calm down soon. He insisted that he didn't think he loved me like I loved him, and then he just left. When I tried to call, he didn't answer, until finally I received an email from him saying he needed space and that I should stop contacting him. To say I was brokenhearted would be an understatement. Since then I have done the best I can to move on. Although I haven't started seriously seeing anyone, in the past couple of months I've actually flirted with guys and have started to feel like my old self.

But a week ago my ex showed up. Desperate for closure, I agreed to meet with him. I expected a simple apology, but instead he begged for me to work things out with him. Apparently he had spent the last few months soul-searching and realized that he truly does want to be with me for the rest of his life. I still love him, and there's part of me that still wants to be with him, but I'm also unbelievably angry and I don't know what to do. Should I try to forgive him for breaking my heart and make this work?

Source

Sunday Confessional: I Was a Bad Friend, but I'm Ready to Make Amends

DearSugar — Sun, 08 Jun 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A few years ago, I started a relationship with a very controlling and emotionally abusive man. Obviously this wasn't clear to me at the time, I just knew that I felt happy for the first time in what seemed like ages, and I truly believed that we were in love. My group of friends had immediate reservations about him - they saw something that I couldn't - and my feelings were hurt that they weren't being more supportive.

In less than six months time, my entire world had started to revolve around him. He had begun to effectively convince me to cut off all ties with my friends. I stopped returning phone calls and socializing in any way; I still have heartbreaking emails from my friends begging me to call them. By the time I woke up and realized what was going on, I was too ashamed to call them and ask for help. It took me nearly a year and half to pull myself from that terrible relationship.

After a lot of soul-searching, I've come to realize many of my flaws, and I'm ready to start over. My friends are everything to me and I know that it shouldn't have taken all of this for me to see that, but it did. Unfortunately, they want nothing to do with me. Most of them won't talk to me, and those who do are generally angry and full of resentment. I missed a lot of important things that happened to them, and I wasn't there for them when they needed me, but I'm ready to be there now. Is there any way that I can be forgiven for cutting them out of my life?

Source

Dear Quiz: Are You Forgiving?

DearSugar — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 12:00:00 -0700

Forgiving someone is no small feat. Sometimes it takes real determination and sacrifice and other times, forgiveness just isn't in the cards. While I like to think everyone deserves a second chance, sometimes that's easier said than done. So how forgiving are you? Take this quiz and find out!

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After a fight with loved ones, and after they've apologized for their wrong doing, you

Take some much-needed space and make them sweat a little.

Say you forgive them, but deep down, you're still a little hurt.

Forgive them. What's the point of holding a grudge?

How do you typiclly feel after an argument?

If I'm in the right, I feel totally fine about it. If I'm in the wrong, I feel a little uneasy.

Horrible. I hate fighting with people so I usually smooth things over pretty quickly.

Fights don't really bother me. I'm a pretty confrontational person.

If you were to run into someone from your past that was a negative force in your life, you would

Act as if not a day had passed and put up your guard to protect yourself.

Say a cordial hello but leave no room for small talk.

Greet them with a smile, exchange some surface chitchat, and you go on your way. It's water under the bridge!

A girl from your sorority, who hooked up with your boyfriend, is interviewing at your company. You would

Have a good chuckle and look forward to the look on her face when she sees you in the corner office!

Immediately tell your boss about her shady past and advise her not to hire her.

Keep mum. If your boss asks for your honest opinion, you give it, but you don't want to stir the pot.

Dear's Advice on Atonement

DearSugar — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 11:00:00 -0800

Atonement, one of the Best Picture nominees for the 2008 Oscars, is wrought with wrongdoings and drama. In this specific incident, a chain reaction of events actually seems to echo a universal problem that I'm sure we've all dealt with in one way or another - if a message that's never meant to be seen ends up in the wrong hands, trouble always arises. Check out the clip below, and then share your own experiences.

To see DearSugar's advice read more

Dear's Advice: We've all played the game of telephone enough as kids to know that a message can be completely changed and taken out of context after it's been told too many times - especially one that shouldn't have been revealed to begin with. Once it's out, it's out, so the best thing that you can do is some immediate damage control, which usually begins with fessing up and apologizing - it's going to be awkward no matter what, so get it over with quickly. Confront the "messenger" directly before the rumor begins to spread, and try to offer a reasonable explanation.

Once you've apologized, take the necessary precautions to make sure this doesn't happen again. In this case, getting rid of the note is probably a good idea but in this digital age, when sending a message is just a click away, things are dicier than ever. Make sure to confirm who you're sending something to before you press send. That one second can save you hours of anxiety - trust me, you don't want to learn that lesson the hard way!

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You Asked: Should I Forgive and Forget?

DearSugar — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

A little over two years ago, when my father was in the hospital, my older sister and I had a horrible fight. Nasty words were exchanged and our argument even turned somewhat physical. I haven't seen or spoken to her since - she has always been a little on the hateful side. This fight has been eating at me and I was thinking about writing a letter to tell her I have forgiven her and to apologize for my part. I have never in my 49 years had a confrontation like this and I don't know if this will stir the pot more. What do you think? - Ready to Forgive Regan

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Ready to Forgive Regan -

Taking the initiative and making the first move to mend your relationship with your sister takes a lot of strength and courage, so you should be very proud of yourself. It sounds like you two went to blows under at an incredibly stressful time so since all this time has passed, I'm sure she is ready to forgive and forget as well.

Writing a letter is a great format to talk. It won't put her on the spot to respond immediately and you can reread what you've written until you've said everything you wanted to say in, and in the right way. Two years is a long time to go without talking to your sister and I'm sure you miss her terribly, so I say go for it Regan. Even if you stir the pot, at least you can breath a sigh of relief because you made an effort to reach out to her, got a chance to apologize for your wrong doing in the situation, and asked for her forgiveness, too. I wish you luck.

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