TresSugar

Are You Highly Focused or Easily Distracted?

DearSugar — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 11:00:00 -0700

When it comes to work or school, we all have projects, assignments, reports and deadlines to deal with. We have things to type, research to make, books to read, and emails to write.

Some of us can stay focused and get through a to do list even when there are people chatting, music blaring, food being passed around, or sirens outside - (like me). Then there are others who can pay more attention, and get more accomplished when they are completely alone, with no sounds or people to distract them.

So I want to know, when it comes to getting your work done, are you highly focused or easily distracted?

Source

Adult ADD and ADHD: Know the Signs

DearSugar — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 10:00:00 -0700

Adult ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) are conditions that have to do with the way you think. Unfortunately, they can seriously affect adults when it comes to their job, relationships, and their finances. It's true that they have to do with not being able to concentrate, but there's a lot more to it. Some of the signs include:

"zoning out" during conversations, or daydreaming

not remembering being told something
being late or forgetting to show up when expected
speaking without thinking first or interrupting others when they talk
talking fast or excessively, and hopping from one topic to the next
getting easily frustrated or bored
procrastination or difficulty staying focused
not finishing what you start (projects, books)
low self-esteem or insecurity
impulsive behaviors, quick to get angry

There are also some really positive "gifts" if you have ADD and ADHD? Want to hear them, then read more

Adults with ADD or ADHD may also be able to maintain intense focus on something that they are greatly interested in. This is called hyper focus, where people can be engaged for hours with a lack of awareness for others or time. They can be super determined and have high energy and enthusiasm for something if it sparks their interest. Einstein and Da Vinci had this ability and look how successful they were!!
People with ADD or ADHD are also great at creative thinking, problem-solving, and brainstorming ideas. Scientists, inventors, artists, musicians, and doctors can benefit from this type of brain.
Intelligence, flexibility, and spontaneity are also character traits of someone with ADD or ADHD.

Dear's Advice: If this sounds like you, and your symptoms are preventing you from living your life the way you want to, I would definitely talk to a therapist. They can offer suggestions for ways to help with the symptoms that get in the way of your job or having the relationships you want, possibly prescribing drugs to lower the symptoms of these disorders. Plus you'll feel better talking to someone who understands and supports you.

Source

Berlusconi's Mistress Tells Us More Than We Need to Know

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 13:30:23 -0800

Italians really take their sex scandals to the next level. Today, Patrizia D'Addario, former call girl mistress to Italy's "I'm no saint" prime minister, adds a "lesbian dimension" to her tale of sex, power, and retaliation.

Patrizia has a book coming out and excerpts reveal that she has been the target of threats, robbery, and violence after going public about her affair with Silvio Berlusconi. But that's not stopping her. Describing a party held at Berlusconi's home, Patrizia shares the prime minister's preference for white silk pajamas and women who like other women. To see an excerpt, read more.

Patrizia writes:

"Other girls arrived, including a pair of lesbians, and a few other escorts. . . My first thought was that I'd found myself in a harem. He was on the couch and all of us, 20 girls in all, were at his disposition."

While the presence of lesbians probably seems relatively inconsequential, it might upset Italian citizens who were otherwise willing to dismiss heterosexual escapades. And as the Guardian reports, Berlusconi can say good-bye to a recent break from bad press: "The publication of D'Addario's book will divert public attention back to the affair after a period in which the focus had been on another sex scandal involving the former center-left governor of the region around Rome. Piero Marrazzo resigned after being filmed taking drugs and having sex with a transsexual." Mama mia.

Ask a Wife: How Do I Stop Being the Other Woman?

TresSugar — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 08:00:58 -0800

Conventional Wisdom is a different kind of advice column. Your questions will be answered by people from all walks of life rather than by advice experts. This week, a woman in a happy marriage tries to help out a woman stuck in an affair. If you have a question you'd like answered on Conventional Wisdom, you can submit it here.

Today's Question:

I am involved with a married man and I don't know how to stop. He's been married for a couple of years, and his wife often goes out of town. I feel like I'm in a relationship with him: he calls or texts before he goes to sleep, cooks me dinner when he can, and we talk about almost anything with each other. I don't expect him to leave his wife for me, and it doesn't seem like he's going to. He just says he wishes we would have met before he got married. I know deep down that this is so wrong, but I feel like I can't do anything about it. I feel too happy when I'm around him. Help!

Signed,
The Other Woman

To see the advice, read more.

Dear The Other Woman,

I have some bad news and some good news. First, the bad news: you are not happy. You are in a relationship that is damaging to both you and this man's wife. The only person remotely benefiting from the situation is this unfaithful person you are involved with.

Now the good news: real happiness does exist. You can find someone - who's not married - to talk, laugh, cry, and have sex with. And it will be so much better. But first you need to do some work on yourself. Look at your life and decide what type of person you want to be. Do you want the adjectives selfish, dishonest, and disrespectful to describe who you are? Or would you rather have the words loving, faithful, and complete describe your behavior and your relationship? Next you need to boost your confidence. Think about what has made you do something that is undoubtedly so hurtful to yourself and this other woman. Is it because you are afraid of being alone? Is it because you think this is the best thing you can get? If so, let me tell you that a little patience can go a long way. Focus on the things you really enjoy in life (do you like running? painting? traveling?), the things that make you excited, and you will only become more desirable.

The search for love is a hard and frustrating one, but you are just going down a dark and depressing path with nothing but hurt waiting at the end of it. End things with this unavailable man, figure out why you love yourself, and then you will find someone who loves you for all those qualities too.

Signed,
A Wife

Hump Day: Sex Makes Her Uncomfortable

TresSugar — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 07:30:23 -0800

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. If you have questions about sex, send them to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:
I'm 24 and in my first relationship. I really like the guy, we've been going out for six months, but I get nervous whenever he slips his hand under my underwear. He gets the hint and stops. I don't mind him doing other things (we haven't slept together yet), but I wish I wasn't such a prude. I don't know what he expects and I worry that he will be grossed out, as I only shave/wax the bikini line but not the whole thing. What if he thinks it is ugly? I also don't know what I should expect; he knows I'm a virgin, but I don't know how to speak to him about why I get uncomfortable, and I don't know how to overcome it! I also have a few stretch marks and worry that he will be grossed out by them. Please help?

To read Dr. Glickman's response, read more.

Thank you for sharing this challenging situation. I know that it can be scary to talk about things like this, but these are all really common thoughts.

One of the things that can help when you’re on the edge of your comfort zone is to take it very slowly. It’ll probably help to tell your guy about your discomfort, even if you can’t tell him why it’s there. You could simply say "I have a lot of discomfort around sex." You also might want to do a little solo exploration. It takes the pressure off because there aren’t any partner expectations. Check out the wonderful book Becoming Orgasmic. If you’re looking for tips or ideas for techniques, Tickle Your Fancy is full of suggestions. Once you know a bit more about what you like or dislike, you and your boyfriend might be able to find something that you both like to do.

It’s worth mentioning that vulvas come in all different shapes. (The vulva is the external female anatomy. The vagina is the inside part.) There’s a long history of negative attitudes towards the vulva, but each one is unique and beautiful in its own way. A lot of women have the idea that there’s something wrong with their vulvas because they don’t look like what we see in porn or because they have hair, and I think that’s unfortunate. I strongly recommend getting to know your parts and Scarleteen has a great site about that. It’s geared towards teens, but there's lots of amazing info about sex, bodies, and pleasure.

Another option would be to explore some of these concerns with a therapist. When you have an itch on your back, you need someone else to scratch it. Therapists help us by reaching the spots we can’t reach on our own. Lastly, depending on where you are, you could join a body-image support group. While they tend not to focus on sexuality, they can be an incredibly helpful way to work through our concerns about our bodies and how we (or other people) feel about them.

Working through these challenges isn’t always easy, but it can be very rewarding. Whatever route you choose, I hope you find the pleasure and joy that you deserve.

War on Drugs Makes Women the Enemy

TresSugar — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:00:45 -0800

If you've been following the story of Cleveland's alleged serial killer Anthony Sowell, you know it's horrific. Eleven female bodies have been found in and around the man's home, leaving the public wondering how could these crimes go on undetected for years. Writing in the Daily Beast, Cleveland journalist Mansfield Frazier says he knows why: Sowell was able to kill drug-addicted women without anyone noticing because the war on drugs targets women. Let's examine the evidence he uses to support this allegation after the jump.

Rolling Rock Tests Out Its Boob Bottle

GiggleSugar — Tue, 24 Jul 2007 10:30:00 -0700

In the following prank, a Rolling Rock representative claims to want feedback from a women's focus group on the brand's new (and not so improved) boob-shaped bottle. It's a curvy design with two giant breasts and a slender "waist" built right into the bottle for maximum drinking pleasure. The fact that some men would get off on this sort of marketing is downright pathetic--which makes me wonder: who's the joke really on?

Bad Relationship, Great Sex?

TresSugar — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0800

Is it possible to have great sex with someone you hate? That was the hot and heavy debate on last night's Parks and Recreation, when mustachioed Ron reunites with his ex-wife Tammy. The toxic couple can't talk without fighting - and the fighting inevitably leads to sex. Sex that Ron compares to "doing peyote and sneezing slowly for six hours."

Ron eventually learns that hooking up with a toxic ex can be a very bad idea: "It took years of intense, focused hatred to get over her, and now I've undone all that great work." Have you ever had amazing sex with someone you couldn't stand? Or hooked up with an ex only to discover it was a terrible idea?

He Doesn't Seem to Listen? Blame His Brain

TresSugar — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 11:30:00 -0700

I've been lucky to have boyfriends who didn't just love talking like I do, but who were good listeners, too. Maybe they were in the minority, or maybe they worked hard to overcome what many scientists say is a male brain hardwired to keep conversation short and informational.

Compared to women's brains, researchers conclude that men's brains not only have fewer verbal centers, but their brains produce less serotonin and oxytocin. The former aids in calming a person down and the latter with bonding.

Sociolinguist Deborah Tannen's fascinating book You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation, focused on how men and women are socialized to have different conversational styles. Women, she argued, use talk to connect emotionally to another person, while men use conversation to impart knowledge. If you want to hear tips on how men and women can better communicate, then read more.

So whether we look to biology or society for the differences in men and women's conversational styles, the differences seem to be there. How can we bridge the gap? Psychotherapist Robi Ludwig has some tips. For men, she suggests that they remind themselves that although they think women talk too much, take too long to get to the point, or don't allow for lulls in conversation, that women are talking to connect to them, so they should listen to show emotional support. Women don't necessarily want you to solve the problems they're telling you about - just listen. And just because you're not fascinated with what she's saying, she probably listens to a lot of stuff with rapt attention about which she couldn't care less.

And women? Pay attention to timing. Don't bring things up when he's trying to unwind, try to keep it short and to the point (this would be impossible for me!), and make sure he's listening by pausing and maintaining eye contact. Or, you could use a strategy some of my female friends have taken: go to your female friends if you have something you really want someone to listen to!

IOC to Come Up With Better Guidelines For Ambiguous Sex

TresSugar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 06:00:00 -0700

The treatment of 18-year-old champion runner Caster Semenya by the International Association of Athletic Federations (IAAF) left me scratching my head. How could officials publicly call into question Caster's sex, knowing the profoundly personal nature of the matter? Their actions were so degrading that Caster was rumored to be in hiding after the tests reportedly revealed that she was intersex. Well here's one way to understand how officials could take such an irresponsible approach: international bodies that govern competitive sports lack appropriate guidelines for dealing with ambiguous sex cases.

Hoping to address this problem, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) will gather medical experts at an international conference charged with creating guidelines for such cases. It might be a difficult task, but at least they can look at Caster's case as an example of what not to do.

This meeting will be held during the World Conference on Hormonal and Genetic Basis of Sexual Differentiation Disorders, and IOC officials say that there should be a focus on the privacy of competitors whose sex has been called into question. Let's hope so.