TresSugar

You Asked: I Hate My Father

DearSugar — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 12:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

For years I've had a deep ingrained hatred towards my so-called father. I went to therapy for two years for it, but I still have a lot of resentment built up. I've never had a real conversation with him, and I don't plan on ever having one with him in the future. I don't want to work it out because I do not want a relationship with him. Unfortunately, I have to live with him. I am currently in school and living with my family. I applied to a couple of new schools for the Spring semester, so if all goes well, I will be living on campus, but until then, I have to deal with my dad. But I can't even stand looking at him, let alone speaking to him.

My sister and my mom have told me I've been too hard on him, but I couldn't care less. He has put my family through extremely difficult circumstances, and has not once apologized for his actions. I am otherwise pretty happy with my life, except for the fact that I have to deal with him on a daily basis. I wish he would just go away, but that's not an option. Is there anything at all I can do to ease this tension?

- Bitter Brianna

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Bitter Brianna,

You say you want to ease the tension in your family, and yet, the intense hatred you're holding on to says otherwise. Your dad isn't going away, and even if you want to cut him out of your life, it sounds like he's still very much included in your mother's and your sister's. I don't know the reasons for your anger, but obviously they run very deep. The process of letting go is no easy task, and I commend you for trying to work things out with therapy, but holding on to this bitterness is only going to serve to hurt you. While I certainly won't suggest you make any kind of amends with your dad - anger is a very necessary emotion and often a method of protection from future wounds - you can recognize his inabilities and your grievances, but take your rage out of the equation.

First of all, get out of the house. Apply for a student loan, drop down to a part-time class schedule, take another job, or rent out your friend's closet, if necessary. This living situation sounds incredibly unhealthy, and I would guess that by physically removing yourself from his presence, the tension would naturally decrease. When you do see him, stay reasonable; if your anger overwhelms you just leave and that will automatically deescalate any impending conflict. And certainly, continue therapy - your campus health center should have options available for you. You're obviously still experiencing the impact of the relationship with your father, so even if you don't want to work through it for your family, do it for yourself.

Source

Group Therapy: He's Into Questionable Porn

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I have a friend that had a baby 15 months ago and being so involved during her pregnancy and after her baby girl arrived, naturally I was named godmother. Recently my friend came to me to talk about her fiancé, the father of the baby. We all know that he dabbles in online porn, but after repeated requests for him to stop my friend finally gave up, figuring that online porn really isn't so terrible.

They currently have no Internet at home so he's been using her cell phone to get online. Upon checking the browsing history, she's found he's back to the porn surfing again. But the problem is the type of porn he's looking at. He's now checking out family incest porn and it's raised a flag to my friend. She asked me if she should be worried and what should she do. I, being a mom, immediately said get that baby and go. But she doesn't want to, so I told her to talk to him about it. When she did, he acted as if what he was doing was nothing. I recently learned that he has had a family history of incest too. What do I tell my friend to do next?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Source

You Asked: How Do I Repair My Relationship With My Father?

DearSugar — Wed, 23 Jul 2008 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

My relationship with my father has always been rocky, since before my parents divorced 18 years ago. It has been over a year since the last time we interacted - our last correspondence was filled with nasty, hateful words through email. He's never been much of a role model or a parent to me. I think he should make the first move and put out the proverbial olive branch, but he hasn't made a move. Now there's a void in my life and it's making it very hard for me to feel emotionally well.

To be honest, I'm not even sure I want to open the lines of communication, but losing touch with my dad has pulled me apart from my much-younger sisters; they're both under 10. I miss them dearly. Is this worth repairing? What should I do to regain somewhat of a relationship with my family?

- On the Outs Olinda

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear On the Outs Olinda,

Though I think that most familial relationships are worth repairing, there are some circumstances in which I think distancing yourself from a particular family member is a must in order to avoid abuse or emotional anguish. Since I don't know the details of your issues with your father, it's impossible for me to say whether this is a relationship worth saving. However, it's obvious the relationship you have with your sisters is one worth fighting for.

Try reaching out to your dad in a simple and cordial manner. Don't languish in apologies if you don't feel sorry, and don't excuse his bad behavior just because you're trying to reconnect. It's OK to let him know that this dispute is weighing heavily on your mind, and that you don't want your sisters to grow up without knowing you. Take this opportunity to express some of your feelings in a respectful way, and be prepared to hear his thoughts, too.

Perhaps you can both resolve this once and for all, but otherwise, keep it friendly and work on connecting with your sisters again. Once they get a little older, you can maintain a separate relationship with them without having to interact with your father at all if you don't want to. Issues with our parents can run far deeper than we realize, so don't hesitate to talk to a therapist if this conflict with your dad continues to hurt your day-to-day life. Good luck.

Source

Do Tell: How Old Were You When You Found Out Santa Wasn't Real?

DearSugar — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 07:00:21 -0800

Do you remember the good old days when you believed in Santa Claus? Every year my dad and I would put golden brownies and milk by the fireplace, and I'd go to bed dreaming about what Santa was going to bring me! It wasn't until I was 7 that I found out the truth about who ate those brownies and where my gifts came from. I was devastated, but I had to keep up the charade for my little brother, who was still a believer.

It's never fun to grow up and lose faith, but it happens to all of us. So ladies, do tell: How old were you when you found out Santa wasn't real?

Source

You Asked: Where Should I Go to the Bathroom?

DearSugar — Fri, 23 Nov 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about six months already, and for those six months, he has basically been homeless. No, no like he's not a bum, but he lives with his single dad in their garage while their house is being constructed.

His dad has gone to great lengths to build the garage himself with bedrooms in the upper floor so they can get by until the house is complete. My problem is that I am over at my boyfriend's "house" a lot and there is only one bathroom, which is right in front of the living area and the rest of their living space. Normally I have no problem going to the bathroom there and running into his dad and random people that are over, but when we have sex, I simply just want to run to the bathroom in his T-shirt or a towel. Now I am either forced to get fully dressed and clean up, or hold it all in which I know is unhealthy. Sometimes I don't want to go through all the trouble to embarrass myself. What should I do? - I Gotta Go Gretta

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear I Gotta Go Gretta,

You're right, it is imperative to go to the bathroom after having sex in order to prevent UTIs so let's put our heads together and make this garage living work for you. First of all, do you and your boyfriend have to sleep at his house every night? Can you sleep at your place instead or at least alternate houses so you aren't with his dad all the time?

Since you're living in such close quarters, his father obviously knows you're sleeping there, so why do you feel the need to get completely redressed? Can you keep a bathrobe on the back of his door, or could you throw on a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt so you're more covered up? All three of you are grown adults so try not to get too hung up on the embarrassment factor - just do your business and return to his room if you're still weirded out. Hopefully this construction won't take too much longer and you can have more personal space with your boyfriend. Good luck, and I hope this helps.

Source

You Asked: My Dad Had an Affair While My Mom Was in the Hospital

DearSugar — Wed, 14 Nov 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

A year ago, when my mother was diagnosed with cancer, she told me that she suspected my father had been cheating on her for some time, and a few months ago, my mother passed away. My brother still lives at home with my dad and was angry when he found evidence of my dad's affair. I was pregnant with my first child and decided to try and clear the air. I had my dad over for dinner and confronted him about the affair and, of course, he denied it.

Just yesterday, he showed up at my house with a hickey on his neck. He tried covering it up and I didn't say anything. My brother found out the girlfriend's name and that she's about 2 years older than me, 35, and my father is 60. My brother suspects they've been seeing each other for over a year.

I can't bear the thought that he was so disrespectful to my mother while she was dying in the hospital, and I can't believe that he continues to look me in the face and lie about it. I wouldn't mind if he decided he was ready to date, I certainly don't expect him to be alone forever, but maybe in a year or so after the dust has settled.

I'm concerned about the relationship he'll have with my new daughter because I have lost respect for him. He'll be retiring soon, and I imagine that she'll be moving into my family home and taking vacations with my father's sizable pension. Of course it's his business, but it makes me sick. Do I confront him again and see if he can be truthful? Do I forget about it, or
just tell him no matter how much he denies it, I know the truth and I've lost respect for him?

-In Disbelief Debbie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear In Disbelief Debbie,

First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I can't imagine how you must feel losing her to cancer and then having to deal with your father's unspeakable actions. Not only did he cheat on your mother and disrespect her and their relationship, but he did it while she was sick and in need. I don't blame you for having lost respect for him, especially when he continues to hide the secret you already know.

That being said, you've got to decide what kind of relationship you want to have with your father, if any. If you do want him to be a part of your life and to be a grandfather to your daughter, then you're going to have to find a way to either forgive, or forget about, what he's done. If you can't seem to shake the fact that he lied, then yes, I would confront him again (maybe with your brother for emotional support).

I know that you probably had a wonderful image in your mind of how your family life would be so I'm sorry that you're let down. Sometimes time is a great healer, but if you can't put his actions behind you, then you may decide that your father doesn't deserve to have a relationship with you or your daughter. If that's the case, I'd focus on the loving family you and your daughter do have. Good luck.

Source

When It Comes to Family, Who Are You Closest to?

DearSugar — Thu, 01 Nov 2007 17:00:55 -0700

Of course, I love everyone in my family. Each person has a special place in my heart, and my mind is filled with so many memories of all of them. I love them for what they've taught me, how they've been there for me, and what we've shared together.

That being said, there's one person I call the most and tell my secrets to, and that's my mom. Yes, she's my mom, but now that I'm older, she's also turned into my best friend. I feel the closest to her because she's such an amazing listener and, as women, we have so much in common.

So I want to know: When it comes to your family, who do you feel closest to? Your mom, dad, child, or spouse? A step-parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, or sibling?

Source

Dear Sugar Needs Your Help: How Do I Deal With an Abusive Father?

DearSugar — Sat, 06 Oct 2007 09:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar and Mistreated Melinda need your help. How can she deal with her mentally abusive father?

Dear Sugar,

Since my father grew up physically abused, he feels that he has every right to treat me however he wants. He orders me to do chores but mutters about how I'm completely inept. I clean my room, mop, vacuum, and do dishes, yet it's still a pig-sty to him. He also makes fun of the fact that I'm overweight, and has even gone so far as to hide food from me.

He treats my mom and I like dirt, and he's constantly yelling. He leaves for work complaining about how worthless we are, and then expects a back rub from me when he gets home.

The job market is especially poor in the area where we live, and he feels like it's my fault that I don't have a job yet. I'm just an extra expense to him. I feel completely abandoned because both my older sisters left home at 17, and my mom wishes I would move out too because then there'd be less for him to yell about. Moving out is not an option, I don't have enough money and I don't have anyone I can move in with.

My only option then is to confront him about how hurtful he is. I've written letters that I've planned to leave out for him when I'm not at home, but I always lose my courage and end up ripping them up. What can I do? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?

-Mistreated Melinda

Source

What Dating Advice Have You Gotten From Your Parents?

DearSugar — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 10:45:00 -0700

After my first real boyfriend (Bobby) broke up with me in 8th grade, I'll never forget what my mother told me to make me feel better -- "You've got to kiss a few frogs before you meet your prince."

It wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear since Bobby was the only "frog" I wanted to be with, but I guess a mother's experience is worth much more than I could give her credit for at my young age. Over 15 years later, I finally see her point.

I'm sure your mother and father gave you plenty of advice on dating and relationships. - some I'm sure you probably didn't agree with (and still don't), and some that was invaluable.

So tell me, what dating advice have you gotten from your parents?

Source

Do Tell: What's your Worst Father/Boyfriend Meeting Story?

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Aug 2007 07:00:00 -0700

My friend PartySugar was just telling me about the first time her dad met her very first boyfriend. Before he was allowed to drive away with daddy's little girl, Party's Papa took him outside and to test his character and ability, made him change the tire on his car, there then, right there! The deal was if he was successful, he was free to take Miss Party out on their date! While I happen to think that story is absolutely hilarious (even a wee bit practical) she was beyond mortified at her father's over-protective behavior. So ladies, what's your worst father/boyfriend meeting story?

Source