TresSugar

Dear Poll: Would You Want Your Ex and Your New Spouse to Be Friends?

DearSugar — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 09:00:00 -0800

Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, and Bruce Willis are the poster family for how to have a civil divorce, but are the three of them just a little too close? It's easy to keep things amicable if both parties are mature about the split, but becoming buddies with the new guy is taking it a step further.

I think it's really neat to see Ashton and Bruce get along so well, even if it is for the kids' sake, but at the same time, I have to admit their closeness is a little odd. If I were in a similar situation, I don't know how I would feel about my ex being BFF with the new man in my life, but what about you? Would you like your past to be chummy chummy with your future?

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You Asked: Do I Have to Put up With my Ex-Husband?

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I am a mom sharing custody of our daughter with my ex husband. My ex is a good dad but a terrible person to deal with. He is a free spirit who lives on a boat, his bathroom is a bucket and he takes dangerous sailing trips with our daughter. For example, he plans to sail to FARALLONE ISLANDS which is the ROCKIEST WATER IN THE WORLD - Our daughter is only 4!

I said no to one trip last winter (she was 3) - he wanted to sail to Mexico for 6 months. I have a court order that neither parent can take her outside the United States. It is to protect her from these crazy sailing trips, but at the same time it is against me.

This year I was planning to spend 3 weeks in Europe with my family but my ex is refusing to sign the court ordered permission slip. Do I have to put up with his fit (he told me it is because of the trip to Mexico that I didn't let him make) or do I have some other options. Thank you for any advice.

-- Looking-out-for-my-Daughter Linda

To see DEARSUGAR's Answer, read more

Dear Looking-out-for-my-Daughter Linda--

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time, but I give you credit for wanting to do what's best for your daughter. Since you share custody with your ex-husband, he has just as much a say in what your daughter does as you do. The court order that you have says she can't leave the U.S. - is that until she's a certain age? If so, perhaps you could put off your trip until she's legally old enough to leave the country.

I can understand why you are hesitant to let your daughter sail with your ex so perhaps you can compromise by allowing him to take her on a vacation that you agree on so they can spend father/daughter time together. I am not sure how your custody agreement is laid out, but you should talk to your lawyer to find out what your options are.

Since you are going to be in each other's lives forever, you are going to need to work on your relationship. Although you don't agree with your ex-husband 100%, he's still the father of your daughter. I know you are trying to do the right thing and protect her from harms way, but try and think about how she must feel too. If you keep communication open, and you're honest with each other, I'm sure the 3 of you can work on a better relationship where she won't feel pulled in different directions. Good luck to you Linda.

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DEARSUGAR NEEDS YOUR HELP: My Husband Doesn't Want Me To Attend My Ex's Wedding

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 14:00:00 -0800

DEARSUGAR and Torn Torrance need your help. Her husband won't go with her to her ex's wedding and doesn't want her to go either. He wants to put an end to this relationship once and for all. What should she do?

Dear Sugar
I was invited to my ex-boyfriend's wedding and my husband doesn't want me to go. My ex and I dated for five years and even though we broke up three and a half years ago, he thinks that our relationship is silly and it bothers him that we are still friendly and are involved in each other's lives.

In his opinion, he feels that not going to the wedding is the perfect way to close the chapter on this relationship for good. He's not opposed to sending a card and a small gift with the regretful R.S.V.P., but he definitely won't go with me. He feels that now that we are both married the friendship borders on disrespectful.

He also thinks that it makes my ex's fiancee just as uncomfortable as it makes him. What should I do? Should I respect my husband, send a nice gift and respectfully decline the invitation? Or should I go stag because I still value our friendship and there will be old time mutual friends of ours attending that I am looking forward to seeing? Torn Torrance

DC Sniper's Ex-Wife Says Those Bullets Were Meant For Her

TresSugar — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 07:00:00 -0700

On October 23, 2002, Mildred Muhammad was visited at her Maryland home by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives agents. They'd come to inform her that her ex-husband, John, had begun shooting people around her. "You are the target," they told her ominously.

John Muhammad would come to be known as the "Beltway Sniper," and with his teen accomplice Lee Malvo, he went on a shooting spree in Maryland, DC and Northern Virginia that left 10 people dead. Malvo is serving a life sentence, and Muhammad is scheduled to be executed November 10 of this year.

In her new book, Scared Silent, Mildred Muhammad talks about her 12-year marriage to John. Things started out well, but John became emotionally and physically abusive after he returned from an Army tour during the Gulf War. Mildred is convinced that his plan was eventually to kill her so that he could regain custody of the children he lost in 2001 and to get compensation for them as crime victims. (He believed the nameless "Beltway Sniper" would be blamed.)

"I was recalling every frightening comment John had ever made to me. He once said, 'When a man hits a woman, it means that he has lost all respect for her. It would be easy for him to kill her after that.' But I did not foresee, not even in my wildest nightmare, that John would ever kill people who had nothing to do with me or our troubled marriage."

Mildred Muhammad hopes that her book will help other victims of domestic violence get the help they need.

Group Therapy: My Best Friend Is Friends With My Soon to Be Ex-Husband

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 14:00:00 -0800

My husband and I are currently going into a mutual separation and it may lead to divorce. That said, my husband and I met my best friend a few years ago while we were all attending the same school. They have both always talked since we met (in a totally non-threatening way), and I have never ever had an issue with it. I know there is absolutely nothing going on between them, and the idea of him having an affair with her is not really the issue. The problem is that my husband told me the other night that she had called and told him about how great of a guy he is, and how he can find someone "just as good, if not better than me." She is not manipulative whatsoever, so I'm almost positive that she's not saying this to try to "win" him. She is in a relationship with a good guy whom she really likes. Am I the only one who thinks she's stepping on toes? I don't know if I should say something or ignore her comments because the two of them are friends. What should I do?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Group Therapy: How do I deal with my husband's ex-wife?

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 14:00:00 -0700

I feel dumb even asking this, because I don't have any of the problems that everyone else seems to have online. My husband and I got married a few months ago. I knew he had been previously married. They don't talk as far as I know, and they don't have kids. He was the one who decided to leave her. But for some reason I can't stop thinking/obsessing about her. I've never met her. I don't know why she bothers me. I don't want my husband to miss her, and he tells me he doesn't, but for some reason that doesn't convince me. And I hate feeling like I'm lounging on the same couch she lounged on, or that I'm using the same plates she used. I know this is very illogical, but I can't talk myself back to sanity. How can I forget about her, or at least stop obsessing about her?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

Do, Dump, or Marry? Brad Pitt

TresSugar — Fri, 21 Aug 2009 12:00:00 -0700

Brad Pitt is an accomplished actor and a doting dad, and his humanitarian work has made him a potential politician. He's also pretty damn hot, although I'm not sure what I think about the goatee.

As for marriage material? Jennifer Aniston infamously declared that her ex-husband was missing a "sensitivity chip." And it seems marrying Brad might get you trapped in a tabloid-fueled love triangle for many years to come.

Luckily for those of you who haven't had enough of Brad over the years, there's much more to come. His new film Inglourious Basterds comes out this weekend and the commercials for it seem to be on repeat.

Friendship With an Ex Works For Some People

TresSugar — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Arianna Huffington has taken a break from blogging about politics to share some personal insight: how she is managing to enjoy a family vacation with her ex-husband.

Arianna explains that like many other divorced couples she and her ex-husband have managed to maintain a friendship for the sake of their kids. Still, I know some former couples who have remained friends without any higher obligation to their mutual offspring. Some people reason that although the romance is gone, the closeness is still there.

Do you think it's possible to enjoy a healthy, and completely platonic, relationship with a former significant other? Once you cross the line from friend to lover, is it ever possible to go back?

Source: Flickr User A Y U M i (LoveLiveLaugh)

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: We've Both Gained the Newlywed 15 - Help!

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:00:00 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

My husband and I have been married one year and we're very much in love. What's the problem? We're getting fat and we blame each other! Instead of the Freshman 15, we’ve each put on the Newlywed 15 in less than a year. We’ve tried dieting together, but we fall back into bad eating habits during times of stress or celebration. My husband is a fan of the low-carb diet; I don’t think a life without carbs is worth living. He likes lifting weights and running; I prefer yoga. It’s impossible!

But no matter what E. Jean, we’re too attractive to let ourselves go! I haven’t been feeling as confident as I used to, and this affects our marriage in more ways than one. When I feel badly about myself I can’t give my husband the attention he deserves. We should be feeling frisky and sexy, not flabby and irritable! Help! - Fat and Unhappy in Houston

To see E. Jean's answer read more.

E. Jean to Houston,

Darling, I’d like to see you and your husband try to keep the weight on after you have a whirl at this. (I’m a moron for not thinking of this years ago!)

Go to Flaab.com. Decide how much money it’s worth to each of you to get rid of the 15 pounds forever - $15? $50? $150? $500? (I know people who’ve spent $5,000 a year since the Reagan Administration trying to lose the same 20 pounds.) Decide the date by which you want to lose the weight. Then tell Auntie Eeee the name of your husband’s ex-girlfriend. Because Auntie Eeee is going to send her the money if you don’t lose the weight.

Yes, and to make doubly certain you don’t "fall back into bad eating habits," the note I’m sending to the ex-girlfriend (along with your money) will say you’re such a delightful dingbat that you want her - the ex-girlfriend - to take your husband out to dinner because you’re no longer feeling "frisky and sexy" and can’t lose 15 pounds. (By the way, the note I’d be sending to your ex-boyfriend because your husband can’t lose the pounds is even more entertaining.)

Of course, you’ll get the money back if you do lose the weight; not that you’ll be able to look at food again. And if there are no exes in the case, you can name a horrid ex-boss, a mean girl from high school, or a nasty political group like Kill the Whales.

So let’s do it. The $40 billion-a-year diet industry has wasted everyone’s bread long enough! You can help feed the world’s hungry by stipulating that the United Nations Food Programme receives a percentage of the money you put down. My friend, Kenneth Shaw, a brainiac economics guy out of Stanford, has made the site so simple (no pictures! no bilge!) it’s almost Google-esque.

And best of all? On Flaab.com, you can maintain your svelte self by stipulating that the cash will go to your husband’s ex (the guy who stole your promotion, a puppy mill, etc) if you gain a pound back. Enjoy!

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Would You Be OK With His Ex Attending Your Wedding?

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 11:00:00 -0700

In case you missed it, Bruce Willis married Emma Heming in Turks and Caicos over the weekend, and as I'm sure you could have guessed, Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore were in attendance. While I think it's great that Demi and Bruce have been able to maintain a friendship postdivorce, especially for their kids' sake, I don't know if I'd be OK with my new husband's ex-wife attending my wedding. While I know they've both moved on, I think I'd want my wedding to be all about us without having to worry about what his ex is thinking, or being reminded that he's taken the walk down the aisle before. Now that's just my opinion so tell me, would you be all right with your husband's ex-wife attending your wedding?

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