TresSugar

True Confessional - Would You Be Peeved Too?

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Weigh in and tell us if you forgive or not forgive this True Confession.

"For our one-year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to take me somewhere special. He has paid for everything and made all the arrangements, but I just found out that he has already been there with an ex-girlfriend! Am I wrong to be disturbed by this? How can I forgive him for making me feel like sloppy seconds? "

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Dear Poll: Would you Date a Guy That Did This?

DearSugar — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 09:00:00 -0700

There seems to be a new trend in Hollywood -- men knocking up their girlfriends and then leaving them for another woman while their ex is still preggo with their baby!!! Loyal they are not. But what happens if you simply fall in love with someone else? Is it fair to say he should follow his heart? Or do you think he should finish what he has started and give his new family a shot at succeeding? While everyone is entitled to her own opinion, what I want to know is, would you date a man that left his pregnant girlfriend for you?

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Group Therapy: I'm Obsessing Over His Ex-Girlfriends

Fri, 06 Mar 2009 04:00:00 -0800

I am so intrigued by my boyfriend's exes that I'm starting to become obsessed with them - I've even gone as far as signing up for Facebook so I can stalk them online! I'm definitely not usually like this, but I can't seem to stop myself from reading their profiles and looking through their pictures. How can I learn to just relax and know that he wants to be with me and not them? He's given me no reason not to trust him, but I can't pry myself away from the computer - Help!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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You Asked: My Boyfriend Constantly Brings up His Ex!

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I've known this guy for over a year now. He's been single the whole time I've known him but about a month ago, we started dating exclusively. I noticed that he seems to always bring up his ex-girlfriend A LOT. From what I can gather, she really broke his heart - so badly that he had to go to therapy for 8 weeks! What bothers me is that it was over a year ago and that I've never once asked about it. He seems to always reference something about her or somehow her name comes up. He claims that he "hates her" and he's "as over it as he's ever going to be."

Am I selfish to want him to just be over it and not talk about her? I've never mentioned my past relationships because I choose to leave it in the past.

-- Don't Want to Hear About it Dara

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Don't Want to Hear About it Dara--

I'd be annoyed and hurt too, especially since we all know the only reason he's talking about her so much is because he's definitely NOT over her. That's not to say he doesn't care about or want to be with you, but he's clearly still grieving this past relationship, even though it was over a year ago.

Have you tried talking to him about this? Does he know how much it upsets you that he constantly brings her up? Since you've been friends for over a year, I bet he feels comfortable enough to share his feelings with you, but he needs to realize that you are now a couple, not just friends, and some things (especially those having to do with ex-girlfriends) are sometimes better left unsaid.

Talking might make him stop mentioning her name, but it won't make him stop thinking about her. It sounds like he's simply not ready to be in a relationship with you or anyone right now. He clearly needs a chance to get over his ex fully so if I were you, I'd stop dating him until he's had a chance to mend that broken heart of his.

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This or That: His Ex or Yours?

DearSugar — Fri, 09 May 2008 08:00:00 -0700

You’ve stayed at your boyfriend’s place the past few days, and it’s taken a toll on your usual cute appearance. You haven’t had your hair products or your makeup, and you’ve run out of clean clothes. Your hair is frizzing, and you’re wearing a pair of stretched out jeans, your boyfriend’s t-shirt, and flip flops. (Luckily, he doesn’t care.) You guys decide to grab a quick bite to eat, but you kick yourself when you're surprised by an unexpected encounter. Would it be worse if you guys ran into …

This: His ex-girlfriend, the gorgeous one from all the pictures who broke his heart, and she’s looking, well, picture perfect? You try to give her your most confident handshake, but then you remember your ensemble.

Or …

That: Your ex-boyfriend who ended things with you because you just weren’t the one? Of course you’re over him, but you’ve been dying to run into him to prove that you’re doing better than ever - it would probably help if you looked better than ever.

Neither are how you envisioned, but which encounter is worse?

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Is It OK to Hate Your Boyfriend's Ex?

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 16:00:00 -0800

Ah, the ex factor. No matter what your situation, ex-girlfriends of your current flame are hard to ignore, and they can often put a damper on the new relationship. A recent article in the UK's Mirror gives explicit instructions on how to cope with your boyfriend's ex when they are still "friends." Since we all know that remaining friends with an ex can be a bad idea, it's no wonder that many new girlfriends need some encouraging words of wisdom.

The article suggests that the new girlfriend should avoid aggression, as it's a sign of jealousy, while other people think it's OK if the ex knows you're jealous of her. I happen to think that the ex "wins" in a sense if she gets the best of you, so my motto has always been to kill them with kindness. What about you? Even though deep down we often hate our boyfriends' exes, do you think it's OK to be forthcoming with those negative feelings, or do you think it's better to just bite your tongue?

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You Asked: To Move or Not to Move?

DearSugar — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 06:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I am moving half way across the country to move in with my boyfriend. I am totally in love with him and we have discussed getting married. Here is the problem - his ex-girlfriend spends the night at his house and sleeps in his bed. I just found this out and apparently this happens on occasion and she just spent the night there night before last!

He has a guest room and she only lives 15 minutes away! Why does she need to sleep in his bed? I told him I didn't like it and that it is really disrespectful to me. He assures me the relationship is totally platonic and that they are just friends. He doesn't understand why I don't trust him. I don't think they are having sex but I still don't like the idea of her sleeping next to him in the bed I picked out! I was certain that moving and uprooting my life was worth it to be with this guy, but now I couldn't be more confused. Do I move but just get my own place? Do I move in with him? Do I end the relationship? Help! - At a Loss Leslie

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear At a Loss Leslie,

Hmm, I must say I am at a loss here as well. There is absolutely no excuse for your boyfriend to be sleeping in the same bed as his girlfriend, "platonic" or not. How did you find out this information? If he told you, at least he is being honest with you, but I am still left wondering why they are hanging out in the first place. There is a reason why they are ex-boyfriend and girlfriend, and we all know that it's a constant debate whether or not men and women can be friends, so something's gotta be up.

If your boyfriend doesn't understand why you don't trust him, ask him how he would feel if he found your ex was sleeping in your bed - I have a feeling he wouldn't be a happy camper. I am not sure if you have already quit your job and gotten rid of your apartment, but if I were you, I would delay this move until you get these issues resolved. Find out if continuing a relationship with you is what he really wants. You say you have talked about marriage, but make sure you are not moving with any false expectations. Uprooting your life is a huge step so it's imperative to make sure you are 100 percent on the same page and that his ex is completely out of the picture. If your boyfriend can prove to you that he's ready to commit and can be trusted, then, and only then would I say go for it. Trust your gut Leslie, if you're writing me asking what to do, I have a feeling you know what the answer is here. Good luck.

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Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Held Onto a Gift From His Ex

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 04:00:00 -0800

About a month ago I was checking out my boyfriend's bookshelf and saw a book with a very lovey-dovey inscription from an ex-girlfriend. It wasn't signed, but I'm pretty sure it was from the girl he dated about three years ago. I didn't say anything to him about it but two weeks later, we were preparing for a party in his apartment, and we moved things from his bookshelf to his closet - including this book. Yesterday, I noticed that the other stuff was still in the closet, but the book is now sitting on top of his desk. He would've had to dig around to find it.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and I'm wondering what this means. It makes me uncomfortable that he is holding on to this gift, and that he deliberately looked for it after the party. I know this make me sound really insecure, which is why I don't want to talk to him about it directly, but I can't help my feelings. It's especially troubling because we have been talking about our future recently, and I'm wondering if he is subconsciously having second thoughts. Am I overthinking this?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]

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Group Therapy: How Do I Deal With His Ex Situation?

Tue, 28 Oct 2008 03:00:00 -0700

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four months. He's nice, caring, and funny. We see each other almost every day and have yet to get into even a minor squabble, let alone an actual fight. Things are basically perfect. But here's the problem: his crazy ex-girlfriend is pregnant, and in all likelihood, it's his. She lied about having an abortion a few months ago, came barreling back into our lives, and is now well into her second trimester and drinking like a sailor at night, while shopping for baby clothes the next morning.

Thankfully, I am only secondarily involved in the situation. It's my boyfriend who really has to deal with her and the child for the rest of his life. But I just don't know how to manage all this. I have a very high-stress and demanding job and I am only 25, too young to take on such an issue. And frankly, I just don't want to. I didn't make the irresponsible choices they did, and I don't want to suffer for it. If I would end it when the baby comes, should I just end it now? I want to be there for him through this, but in the end, it's just going to become a more complicated situation. I just can't even imagine what my responsible boyfriend ever saw in this girl. What do I do?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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You Asked: My Fiance Talks About his Ex All the Time

DearSugar — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 03:00:00 -0800

DearSugar --

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and 6 months, and we have recently gotten engaged. The only problem is that he talks about his ex-girlfriend all the time, and he's even told me what her body was like. It's really getting me down. We have a child together, so I really don't want to break up with him, but i don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him about it but he changes the subject. Please help me. -- Hurt Hannah

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Hurt Hannah --

This is a hard one. Any relationship with a child involved is one in which much deliberation and thoughfulness must follow. It's also critical for a child to see love, kindness and respect between his parents, as you will both be models for what is and isn't acceptable between two people. I believe you need to take a long walk or sit quietly somewhere and ask yourself what you need in a marriage, a man, and a father to your child. Search yourself for these answers, Hannah. When you know your expectations and boundaries, take a deep breath and resolve to accept nothing less for you and your family.

Then, communicate to your partner that being told any details about his ex-girlfriend is off-limits and unacceptable, unless you solicit the conversation. Period. Do not let him control or change the subject. Be sure he understands that this kind of talk feels unloving and disrespectful, and that you are completely serious about being in a relationship where such bad feelings are not daily fare. However, Hurt Hannah, I wouldn't suggest taking this position unless you mean it and are prepared to make choices for yourself and your child based on his subsequent behaviors and attitude.

I truly, truly hope he hears you this time and can connect with how uncomfortable and awful this would make anyone feel, much less the woman he's about to marry. Please keep in touch and let us know how this unfolds for you.

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