TresSugar

How to Help a Friend With Depression

DearSugar — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 11:00:00 -0700

Being depressed or upset about breaking up with your boyfriend or getting in a fight with your best friend is a totally normal response. We all feel sad sometimes, or have short periods of time when we're in a funk, but being clinically depressed is completely different.

This serious medical condition can make a person feel upset for no reason, or it can be triggered by an event, such as losing a loved one. What's different is the person doesn't just "get over it." They continue to feel down, and can even have physical symptoms such as lack of appetite, fatigue, and headaches.

What can you do if a close friend of yours is battling depression? Here are some ideas:

Learn all you can about depression. Research online, read books, or talk to professionals about it. Knowing the facts will make you feel more comfortable and able to offer them help.
Encourage your friend to see a psychiatrist and look into medication if necessary. If they are already seeing one, encourage your friend to keep their regular appointments.
Find out if there is a support group in your area for people with depression. Suggest it to your friend, and offer to go with them.
Call your sad friend often, visit them, exercise together, and make plans to go out. Keep up a relationship with them so they don't feel alone. Having something to be happy about, and to look forward to always helps.

There are other ways you can help. To find out how read more

Don't skirt around the issue. It may help your friend tremendously if they feel like they can talk to you about how they are feeling, and to know that you are really listening, and that you care.
They may find household chores and errands to be too overwhelming, so offer to help with them or anything else.
If you are worried that your friend might hurt herself or himself, try not to let them be alone. Contact their family or the police and communicate your concerns. You can also call a 24-hour suicide hotline such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to get help or important info.

Consoling and supporting a friend in need is an awesome thing, but it can be overwhelming for you so make sure to take care of yourself as well. Get mutual friends or family members to help out so you're not carrying all the weight on your own. Realize that it's not your "job" to cure them, and that being a friend is the best help you can offer.

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Are You a Compulsive People-Pleaser?

TresSugar — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

We've all done it before - offering to do a favor we later regret, or overextending ourselves when really we just need me-time. But for some people (and I imagine women outnumber men here because of social conditioning), chronic niceness can verge on the pathological and actually be hazardous to the people-pleaser's overall health.

According to Les Barbanell, psychologist and author of Removing the Mask of Kindness, there are many reasons compulsive people-pleasers turn out that way. They could have had emotionally distant, controlling or depressed parents who were also possibly overcritical perfectionists. As a result, their children grew up believing that in order to win their love, they needed to do whatever it took to please them.

If gestures of generosity to other people are not measured against what a person can reasonably give, the result is often depression, anxiety, and (not surprisingly) repressed rage. In its connection to narcissistic personality disorder, so-called "caretaker personality disorder" shows its not-so-selfless and not-so-nice face: it can often cover for the do-gooder's secret ego trip. Like people with NPD, CPDers "require excessive admiration and envy . . .have an overt sense of entitlement, and . . . are incapable of forming equal and mature relationships."

When flight attendants tell parents to put their oxygen masks on before they put them on their children, it's a hint for all of us: don't take care of others before you take care of yourself - or you may pay for it psychologically and emotionally.

Is This Craigslist Ad Real?

TresSugar — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 03:00:00 -0700

Moving to San Francisco? Well, do I have the place and 'mate for you. It doesn't have any space, but rent's only $680. Now I totally believe this apartment exists . . . but this is either a joke or the most terrifyingly unself-aware person out there. I am almost tempted to go check it out.

Hello, I am seeking a nice room mate to share my 2 bedroom home.

You won't have to pay utilities or do any chores so it's perfect for a young person or a student.

But I cannot have anybody touching or moving my stuff because it would set off a chain reaction of emotions and feelings towards you and towards my things. Hoarding is not a mental illness, it is something environmentally responsible because I don't like to throw anything away. But the San Francisco Department of public health said my living conditions were unsafe and came in and forcibly removed my things I have been collecting for over 40 years. It traumatized me and I have been rebuilding my collection ever since.

Read the rest of the ad and vote on its validity after the jump

Do Women Get "Blue Balls" Too?

DearSugar — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 09:00:00 -0700

A couple weeks ago I posted about whether blue balls were a real condition: When a guy becomes aroused, blood rushes to his nether regions and an erection is born. If he doesn't have an orgasm, many guys claim they're left with an unbearable feeling below the waist known as "blue balls."

So is there some equivalent condition for women? To find out read more.

Yes, women can experience the same thing. This feeling is both physically irritating and emotionally frustrating. It's a type of vasocongestion, which basically means swelling of tissues due to increased blood flow. For women, there's no specific term for this issue. I think it has to do with the fact that scientifically speaking, it's no big deal for a woman not to have an orgasm since the purpose of sex is to have babies. A female orgasm doesn't make that happen, but a guy's does, so that's why his orgasm may be considered more important. I also think that it's become socially acceptable for a guy to climax every time he has sex. Maybe men thought that if they came up with a name for this condition, we'd feel more obligated to "cure" the problem, but puleeze - women deserve to orgasm just as often as men!

The good news is that although it may be tough to fall asleep with your mind on sex, the physical aching quickly subsides as soon as the blood flow to the area decreases. With both men and women, you don't have to worry about this feeling causing any harm to your privates. If you're experiencing "blue balls," there's no reason why you can't just take matters into your own hands, if you know what I mean!

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Moody Men: How to Deal

DearSugar — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 09:00:00 -0800

We all have our moments, and sometimes the little things can set our mood into a tailspin. Maybe somebody accidentally threw away your bagged lunch at work, or your neighborhood coffee shop ran out of cream, and boom - you're instantly in a bad mood. Stereotypically speaking, women are thought of as the moody ones, but men can be moody too, and there's actually a name for it - irritable male syndrome. It's much less severe than depression or bipolar disorder, but the same roller coaster of emotions apply. One minute he's happy and loving life, and the next, he's sulking and not wanting to talk. This change in mood can be triggered by hormonal fluctuations (just like us!) or stress. To find out more about this condition and to learn what you can do to help, check out the video below from The Today Show.

Do you know any men that suffer from irritable male syndrome?

Three Common Penile Problems, Part II

DearSugar — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Yesterday you learned about Peyronie's disease, one of three common penile problems that some men have to deal with, but today I'm going to talk about Hypospadias. This condition is when the urinary meatus, the hole on the penis where urine and ejaculate pass, is abnormally positioned. It's usually just short of the tip of the penis but can be as extreme as being positioned underneath the penis or as far back as the scrotum. Hypospadias is actually fairly common, affecting approximately 1 in every 300 newborn boys (this condition is present at birth) so if you want to learn more about it, just read more.

The only way to treat this condition is to have surgery to reposition the urethral opening, and if need be, straighten out the penis. In most cases, the surgery is successful and results in normal or near-normal function and appearance with no future problems, although it is possible for a meatus to form under the penis where the new urinary channel was created, which can cause leakage. If that were to occur, another surgery would be necessary. Although this condition isn't life threatening, it can most definitely be an emotional burden.

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Should I Forgive My Friend For Betraying Me?

DearSugar — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 09:00:00 -0700

DearSugar and Should I Forgive Shanda need your help. Her friend, who is in a delicate emotional state, betrayed her. Although she knows her intentions were not malicious, she's not sure how or if she should forgive her, so weigh in and tell her what you'd do.

Dear Sugar,

I met a guy about four years ago and knew almost right away that he was not boyfriend material. However, we shared a strong physical attraction and have maintained a casual relationship ever since. It has worked out well for us simply because we did not expect anything more from each other. For various reasons and despite a handful of attempts, we hadn’t seen each other in close to a year. On a whim last Friday, we met for dinner and had wonderful conversation, and I left feeling surprisingly elated, though I still knew he and I would never be anything serious. He called me the next afternoon and invited me out to his friend’s housewarming party that night. I had already made plans with a girlfriend of mine (who doesn't get out much) but we decided to go together.

My girlfriend just had a precious little girl about six months ago and will also be finalizing her divorce in a couple of months due to the discovery that her husband was cheating on her throughout her entire marriage. Her life got turned upside down, but I have been by her side while she’s been picking up the pieces. She's an intelligent, confident, wonderful friend who has had the unfortunate displeasure of marrying a man who made her question her entire self-esteem and life.

Back to the housewarming party. We were having a great time, and by the end of the night, since we were in no condition to drive, we decided to sleep over - that is, until I turned the corner and saw my girlfriend sitting on my guy friend's lap with her shirt up. She got up and started to mumble something to me, but I was already out the door. She called the next day full of apologies, telling me how that was the most awful thing she’s ever done to a friend, how embarrassed she is, and how I mean more to her than any "stupid guy." While I truly believe she did not have malicious intentions and understand she's lonely, I don't really feel that's an excuse for what she did.

It was a simple decision for me to say goodbye to my guy friend (who also had a lengthy excuse list), but given the reason for the failure of her marriage, how could she do that to a best friend? How do I even begin to forgive her? How can I ever trust her again? I am at a complete loss of how to handle this.

Source

Iowa's Citizens Tell Congressmen to Lay Off Immigration Raids

CitizenSugar — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 08:00:52 -0700

About 1,000 Iowans marched in protest yesterday over working conditions at the same meatpacking plant in Iowa where an immigration raid this Spring that led to the arrest of almost 400 people. The incident has left local residents pleading with their congressmen to stop with the raids. This weekend residents told their representatives that the sweep damaged the small town more than it helped, and tore families apart.

The raid was the largest of its kind in US history, and the testimony over the weekend showed the huge emotional toll it took on the community. Those testifying both skewered immigration officials and Homeland Security for inhumane tactics, and leveled criticism at the plant for taking advantage of the workers.

At the end of the hearing, Rep. Gutierrez agreed, "This is wrong. We've taken men and women who want to work and made felons out of them." One local union official said the blame would be better placed with the owners who hired and took advantage of the workers rather than the illegal workers themselves, "the family that owns that place, they're the ones who should be prosecuted."

The mayor issued the definitive statement, and urged them to take the message back to Washington that raids don't work, "this raid did nothing for this community. It downgraded us substantially. It caused people to suffer, and it caused our reputation to suffer clear across the country."

Is he right? Do immigration raids do more harm than good?

Source

Beginning This Sunday: Gratitude Project

DearSugar — Thu, 08 Mar 2007 14:30:00 -0800

Beginning this Sunday, and posting every Sunday morning, a new feature will appear on DearSugar. It's a bit of an experiment, but I hope you'll enjoy it and use it. I think of it as The Venting Machine's hopeful cousin.

Click here to read more

There's a well-funded boom happening in research around studies on positive psychology, optimism, happiness and health. Some themes have emerged already, and it would seem regularly expressing gratitude may bring health benefits, increased optimism, determination and perservance, among other things.

* In an experimental comparison, those who kept gratitude journals on a weekly basis exercised more regularly, reported fewer physical symptoms, felt better about their lives as a whole, and were more optimistic about the upcoming week compared to those who recorded hassles or neutral life events (Emmons & McCullough, 2003).

* A related benefit was observed in the realm of personal goal attainment:Participants who kept gratitude lists were more likely to have made progress toward important personal goals (academic, interpersonal and health-based) over a two-month period compared to subjects in the other experimental conditions.

* A daily gratitude intervention (self-guided exercises) with young adults resulted in higher reported levels of the positive states of alertness, enthusiasm, determination, attentiveness and energy compared to a focus on hassles or a downward social comparison (ways in which participants thought they were better off than others). There was no difference in levels of unpleasant emotions reported in the three groups.

* Participants in the daily gratitude condition were more likely to report having helped someone with a personal problem or having offered emotional support to another, relative to the hassles or social comparison condition.

* In a sample of adults with neuromuscular disease, a 21-day gratitude intervention resulted in greater amounts of high energy positive moods, a greater sense of feeling connected to others, more optimistic ratings of one’s life, and better sleep duration and sleep quality, relative to a control group.

This Gratitude Project will be our practice of noticing and actively valuing the good things that happen in our lives; you can list at least 3 things from the past week for which you're grateful. It's good to be specific and detailed. I'll list my 3 in the post, and you can add yours in the comments field. I'll keep the link open throughout the week on the Editor's Picks box, so you can post on the weekdays, too. I think it would be interesting if we tried to notice (keeping a journal, maybe?) and discuss any positive results that start to emerge for us. I'll see you there on Sunday, ladies!

If you're interested, more findings from the study above can be found here.

One of the best recent articles about teaching and researching positive psychology ran in The New York Times this past January. When you have a chunk of time to devote, I highly recommend reading it. Fascinating stuff.

Source

You Asked: I Need Support for my Depression

DearSugar — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

I have spent my entire life battling bouts of depression. About a month ago a series of events have led me into a serious funk that is affecting me physically and emotionally. I'm suffering from insomnia and feel completely disconnected from everyone I know and love, especially my boyfriend who I've been with for almost 3 years.

I don't know what to do about our relationship. I feel awkward and distant around him now. I have almost no sexual urges, and I'm starting to avoid him. Unfortunately this is how I feel with everyone around me (minus the whole sexuality bit), so I can't figure out if I've simply fallen out of love, or if this is my depression taking hold of what I've held most dear. I haven't communicated my current situation with him because previous discussions have left me disappointed when he wasn't there for me the way he said he would be. I know I can't depend on him for a successful recovery, but he's promised support and then avoided the subject completely.

I know I need to talk to him... but now I'm wondering if I should suggest a break while I try and regain control of my life. I don't know if I have the emotional energy to be the girlfriend he deserves to have. I'm 21 and he's turning 24 in a few days. I don't want to hold him back when we're both so young. We've been very serious up to this point - so I'm not sure if I should give him the opportunity to support me during this time or chance losing him completely by asking him for space. I just feel like he deserves better.

--Depressed and Unsupported Debra

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Depressed and Unsupported Debra--

It makes me sad when you say that your boyfriend "deserves better." It sounds like you're being way too hard on yourself, which may be part of the reason you are depressed. Having depression isn't some personality flaw - it's a condition that you have no control of, and it's not something that just goes away on its own. From what you've told me, I can only think that your iffy feelings about your boyfriend are a symptom of your condition, rather than how you actually feel.

I'm not sure if you are seeing a therapist or not, but talking through your problems with an unbiased person will really help you. A therapist can help ask the right questions and make insightful comments that will get you thinking about how you can start feeling better about yourself. I agree that it's not your boyfriend's "job" to help you recover, but he should be there to offer you support when you need it (especially when he says he will). Your depression has an effect on him too, so he shouldn't have to be supporting you all on his own. He might not know how to give you what you need, so it may be helpful for him to see a therapist too, possibly with you.

3 years is a long time to be with someone, so I'm sure your connection is a strong one. Communication is the key for keeping your relationship alive. I would definitely have a talk with him about how you're feeling. Have him be honest about his feelings and you can communicate your concerns and needs too. Maybe you both can come up with ways that will help you heal, so you can get back to loving him the way you want.

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