TresSugar

What You Should Know About Premature Ejaculation

DearSugar — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 15:00:00 -0700

Earlier this week the BBC noted the results of a recent study suggesting that premature ejaculation, long thought to be a psychological disorder, may actually be genetic. According to the article, the men in the study who suffered from premature ejaculation had a variation of the gene that regulates serotonin levels - the hormone that controls, among other things, mood, appetite, and the speed at which ejaculation occurs.

And while this information will eventually help researchers create an effective treatment, for now there is no medication, leaving many couples searching for solutions to something that is often a serious detriment to a satisfying sex life. The good news is that there are some techniques to help men learn to slow their ejaculation. To see them just read more.

The "stop and start" method - Use sexual stimulation to bring a man just until he's about to ejaculate. Then stop stimulation for 30 seconds, after which you should resume. Repeat this on-and-off stimulation until the man is ready to ejaculate.
The "squeeze" method - Like the previous technique, use sexual stimulation until just prior to ejaculation. At that point, instead of simply stopping all touch, the end of his penis should be gently squeezed. After 30 seconds, release and continue stimulation. Repeat as desired.
Certain antidepressants can also be used to help because of their connection with serotonin.
For a topical treatment, try desensitizing creams. Likewise, a condom can also act in the same way.

Dear's Advice: While many men are embarrassed by this affliction, it's quite common. If you're dealing with this in your own relationship, ask your significant other to talk to his doctor about his options. No matter what, avoid resentment; instead, work together to make sure feelings of inadequacy stay out of the bedroom.

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DearSugar Needs Your Help: Condom Spillage

DearSugar — Sat, 17 Nov 2007 09:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar and Wanting a Neater Option Omalee needs your help. How do you deal with the mess after sex?

Dear Sugar,

I usually use condoms with my boyfriend, but now that we've both been tested and I'm on the pill, we've had some issues with...er...spillage after he ejaculates. It becomes such a mess right afterwards and while I sleep. I even have to deal with it the following day (I can feel it dripping out of me). I'm wondering, what do other readers do to keep things clean?

-Wanting a Neater Option Omalee

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What's the Deal With Dry Orgasms?

DearSugar — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 08:00:00 -0800

A while ago, I answered a question about a woman who was dating a guy who lost both of his testicles in a car accident. It wasn't clear if this man could have an erection or an orgasm, but that post brought up many questions about orgasms and how it's possible to have one if you don't have any semen.

Here's the deal. Some men have what's called a dry orgasm. This means that they can have an erection, but when they climax, no semen gets ejaculated out of the penis. There can be several causes of dry orgasms:

Surgical removal or damage to the testicles, bladder, or prostate.
Radiation therapy directed at the pelvic area (such as for treatment of prostrate cancer).

Click here to read more

Another cause could be something called retrograde ejaculation. Instead of semen coming out of the penis, it gets forced into the bladder when he climaxes. Diabetes or injury to the bladder could cause this condition.

Dry orgasms usually don't present any health problems, but they could prevent a man from being able to father children. The good news is that it's possible to extract sperm from the man and use it to artificially inseminate a woman.

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You Asked: I Don't Think I'm Pleasing My Boyfriend in Bed

DearSugar — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:46:07 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I'm troubled by my sexual relationship with my boyfriend. I love him very much and he tells me he loves me too. Everything in our relationship is great except there are times when he doesn't ejaculate during sex.

It worries me that I'm not pleasing him or not turning him on enough. What can I do? Is this normal? I've never had this problem in the past with other lovers. I've tried just about everything, what more can I do? Is it me?

-Frustrated in Bed Bonnie

To hear Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Frustrated in Bed Bonnie,

Most people think that guys are easy to arouse and that they want sex all the time. If you just breathe on them, they can ejaculate instantly, right? Well you're wrong!! Arousal depends on the person so you've got to figure out what makes your man tick.

You say that he doesn't ejaculate all the time, so that must mean that he has no problem finishing at other times. Figure out what events lead up to his climax. Was it something you did, or said, or wore? Ask him what he likes most so you can help him to reach orgasm. Maybe he needs different kinds of stimulation than what you're used to with your past lovers. Make figuring this out fun instead of frustrating.

I wonder if he is stressed about work or if something is bothering him. Being preoccupied will affect your sex life, so try to figure out what's on his mind. You are both in love, and it sounds like you care about this relationship deeply. As long as you are open and honest with your communication, I have faith that you two can work this out.

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Pull and Pray - NOT Good Birth Control

DearSugar — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 08:00:00 -0700

Being in a monogamous sexual relationship can be one of life's greatest pleasures, especially when you have both been tested for STIs and you know that you are disease-free. That means you don't have to use condoms when you have sex, but you do need to use another form of birth control if you don't want to get pregnant.

It's been brought to my attention that some couples are using the Pull and Pray Method, also known as Withdrawal. This incredibly risky approach means right before the guy reaches orgasm, he pulls out and ejaculates outside of the woman (and they both pray that she doesn't get pregnant). But ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT an effective form of birth control. This is a pregnancy just waiting to happen.

Why you might ask? Ever heard of pre-ejaculation? It's also known as pre-cum, and it's a liquid that comes out of a man's penis (without his control) before he ejaculates. It can contain sperm so while you don't think your partner is ejaculating inside you, it only takes one little sperm to get you pregnant.

Also, some men have a difficult time controlling their ejaculations -- some don't know when it's coming, and some don't know how to make it stop long enough to pull out of the woman. Having the woman put all her trust in the man withdrawing in time just isn't worth trusting in the Pull and Pray Method -- all in all, it's just a bad idea.

Dear's Advice: Don't have unprotected sex ever unless you want to have a baby! Get yourself a reliable, effective, and consistent form of birth control. The Pill is great if you can remember to take it. Condoms are great if you don't want to remember to take the Pill and there's also the Patch and the NuvaRing if you only want to worry about your birth control once a month. Whatever you choose, just make sure to use it!

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Do Tell: Have You Ever Dated a One-Minute Man?

TresSugar — Thu, 28 May 2009 07:00:00 -0700

Along with penis size, height, and the ability to get it up, the locus of many a dude's insecurities lies in his stamina, or ability to have sex for as long as it takes to satisfy his partner. This hilarious (for anyone who doesn't have a premature ejaculation problem!) Australian ad capitalizes on this insecurity.

Created for the Advanced Medical Institute, a Sydney-based provider of treatment programs for fun things like erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, it shows the police breaking into a couple's bedroom and telling a one-minute man they'll give him a speeding ticket unless he calls AMI for help. Australia's Advertising Standards Bureau has received complaints from people saying that it's offensive to men.

Have you ever dated a one-minute man? Was it a dealbreaker? Did it get worse, better?

Hump Day: My Boyfriend Is a One-Minute Man

TresSugar — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 06:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"My boyfriend has premature ejaculation problems, and it's a little frustrating for me. As far as I know, he doesn't have any health problems. Is this psychological? Can I help him fix this?" To hear Dr. Glickman's response, read more

One of the challenges when talking about premature ejaculation is coming up with a common definition for it. Masters & Johnson defined it as when a man ejaculates before his (female) partner at least half of the time. Others have tried to define it as when he orgasms within two minutes of starting to have intercourse. That kind of definition works better in some ways, especially since many women don’t orgasm from intercourse. Ultimately, the “problem” of premature ejaculation rests on whether it causes concern for either person and since you’ve said that you’re finding it frustrating, that’s good enough for me.

There are a lot of potential causes of premature ejaculation, from the physical to the psychological. It can be caused by anxiety and stress, hormonal imbalances, prostate health issues, and relationship difficulties. With all of these possible reasons, some of which need a medical exam to detect, there’s no way for me to tell you what’s causing it for him. Having said that, there are some tips that I can offer you. Bear in mind that these assume that there aren’t any medical factors complicating the situation.

First off, anxiety is a common cause of both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Unfortunately, worrying about whether it’ll happen can make it happen, creating a self-fulfilling prediction. One of the best ways to address that is to widen your definition of what you consider sex and pleasure to be. If you can let go of the focus on intercourse and enjoy the buffet of sexual options, the worry tends to decrease. It can be really helpful to talk about how you might make that happen when you’re not having sex or just afterwards. If he’s feeling embarrassed about the situation, it’s probably going to be a lot easier to have the conversation when the clothes are still on.

Another factor that can influence when a guy ejaculates is what position he’s in. For many men, being on top seems to make him orgasm more quickly, while lying back and being straddled can make things last longer. While I’m not aware of any actual research on this, I’ve heard stories from enough men to suggest that you give it a try and see what happens.

Still another reason that some men ejaculate more quickly than they or their partners might like is that they don’t know how to work with their sexual energy. Modern tantra and other similar practices offer many men a lot of useful tools and tips for lasting longer. While this approach might not be everyone’s cup of tea, I think it’s worth looking into. Check out Mantak Chia’s book The Multi-Orgasmic Man for a really interesting and easy-to-read take on this. He also has a book for women and one for couples.

Also, some men report that one of the best ways to last longer is to be on the receiving end of a little more foreplay. Actually, I dislike the word “foreplay” since it implies that everything else is just a lead-up to “real sex.” But leaving that aside, many of us are familiar with the idea that lots of women prefer/enjoy/need some warm-up before intercourse. What you might not know is that a slower approach can be a great thing for lots of guys, too. Men’s sexual arousal isn’t just about getting an erection; ramping up can increase how much sexual energy he can maintain. Or to put it another way, just because some guys can hit the ground running doesn’t change the fact that a little warm-up makes it a lot easier. So try extending how much time you give oral sex, hand-jobs, kissing, whatever. It can help him relax and increase his arousal, both of which reduce anxiety and can make it easier for him to last longer.

To get to the last question that you ask, there are some things you can do to help him but he needs to be willing to deal with this situation in the first place. A lot of men feel ashamed of early ejaculation, even though a lot of men experience it, at least sometimes. One of the best things you can do is to talk about it with him at a time when you’re not having sex. Right after it happens is probably not ideal since he’s having whatever feelings this brings up for him. And yes, men have feelings, even when (or especially when) they don’t know how to show them!

You Asked: We're Not Very Good at Sex

DearSugar — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 17:00:00 -0800

Dear Sugar,

I have been married for a little over a year. Both my husband and I waited until we got married to have sex for the first time. As expected, we aren't very good at it. Additionally, since we dated for so long before marriage, the passion we initially had seems to have died down. My husband does not orgasm and takes a very long time in bed. I am not satisfied, and we end up just stopping because we are so tired. It leaves me feeling upset that neither of us are satisfied, which leaves us both feeling awkward and not interested in getting back on the saddle so to speak. I think my husband has something called "delayed ejaculation," and he has promised to eventually see a doctor if he can't resolve this issue on his own. I am disappointed that I have never been satisfied in bed and don't know how to get there. Any advice?

-Out of Lust Lenore

To see Dear Sugar's answer read more

Dear Out of Lust Lenore,

So you said that your husband doesn't orgasm. Does that mean he can never orgasm, or that he just takes a really long time to orgasm while having sex? If you suspect that he has delayed ejaculation, which means that he can't orgasm or ejaculate, it could be caused by a medical condition, such as trauma to the pelvic area or a side effect from taking certain medications. You won't know for sure though unless he sees a doctor, so this should be first on your list.

Delayed ejaculation can also be a psychological condition. Since you both waited to have sex until after marriage, he may have some issues with thinking that sex is wrong or sinful. If he feels like he shouldn't be having sex, then he's not going to be able to perform. Talk to him about how he's feeling, in a non-confrontational or non-judgmental way. You don't want him to feel like it's his fault, because that will only make him more self-conscious.

If it's not a medical problem, and it turns out that he's just nervous, then seeing a sex therapist or going to couples therapy would be really beneficial. They'll help your hubby get to the root of his feelings and give you some ideas as to how to spice things up in the bedroom. Whatever you do, don't give up or let the fire fizzle out completely. The more you have sex, the more you'll feel comfortable experimenting with each other. It might take a while to work out the kinks, but with open communication, patience, and the eagerness to try, I have full faith that you two will end up having a very satisfying love life. Good luck, Lenore.

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You Asked: When I Have Sex, I Feel Like I Have to Pee!

DearSugar — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 17:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

During intercourse, when I get ready to orgasm, I feel like I have to urinate and I have to stop because I'm scared I'm gonna wet the bed. Is that a normal feeling???

--Unsatisified and Frustrated

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Unsatisified and Frustrated--

We've all been there honey. The thing is, if your bladder is full, you'll feel like you have to pee. The pressure and the movement doesn't help any, so my number one suggestion is to make sure you take a visit to the ladies' room and relieve yourself before things get hot and heavy.

If you have tried peeing before sex, and you still feel like you need to wee, then you may be experiencing what many women crave - female ejaculation. If your G-spot is stimulated in just the right way, this can lead to an earth-shattering orgasm. For some women, G-spot stimulation can lead to an emission of a clear liquid believed to have come from the Skene's gland inside the uretha. It's NOT urine, but rather female ejaculate. The fluid may trickle or spurt out. It may be a few drops or a puddle. It can happen before, during, or after ejaculation.

So the next time you have sex, if you are sure your bladder is empty, and your partner is stimulating your G-spot, let the passion take you to the place so many women strive. Good luck!

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Hump Day: Where's My G-Spot?

TresSugar — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

"I have decent enough sex with my boyfriend, but I don't always have an orgasm. I've heard that if my G-spot is stimulated, not only will I have a better chance of having an orgasm, but that it will be more intense. Is this true? Where is the G-spot?"

To hear Dr. Glickman's answer, read more.

Let’s start with a little anatomy.

The G-spot is a relatively small patch of tissue that you can find by inserting a finger into the vagina and curving towards the belly button (upwards if you’re on your back). Many women report that the G-spot is much easier to find if they’re already turned on because it engorges with blood. In fact, some women and their partners find that the G-spot can go from impossible to find to quite prominent during arousal. So start off with something that definitely works for you and then try adding G-spot explorations.

The G-spot surrounds the urethra and some folks find that stimulating it can feel sort of like needing to go to the bathroom. You may find it helpful to go to the bathroom before starting out so that you’ll know that your bladder is empty. Also, some women have discovered that G-spot play can result in female ejaculation. While scientists disagree about female ejaculation, we do know that it’s not urine and is chemically similar to men’s prostatic fluid. This makes sense, since the G-spot and the prostate are quite similar. If you’re concerned about it, put a towel down first so you can relax and enjoy the ride.

As far as whether G-spot play will rock your world or not, I can’t make any promises. Some women adore it and would never choose to have sex without it. Others find it uncomfortable or say that it just doesn’t do anything for them. As always when it comes to sex, your mileage may vary so don’t get stressed out if it doesn’t do much for you.

OK, so how do you actually do G-spot play? First, it may be easier if your boyfriend is the one wielding the fingers. It can be a bit awkward to try to reach it yourself. Some popular techniques include the “come-here” motion, making circles, tapping, stroking, or the “windshield wiper” movement. It may also be more fun if he’s pleasuring your clitoris at the same time, perhaps with his other hand or his mouth. Or you could use a hand or a vibrator on your clit.

If you want to use a toy for the G-spot, try something with a curve or a prominent head since those shapes makes it easier to hit the spot. Here are a few popular ones. Or you might enjoy one of the ”Rabbit” style vibrators.

For more detailed information about the G-spot, I’m a big fan of the DVD The Expert Guide to the G-Spot as well as the book Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot.

If you’re looking for ways to increase your chances of having an orgasm during intercourse, you might find that some G-spot fun as a warm-up improves your odds. Even if G-spot play doesn’t result in an orgasm for you, if it increases your pleasure and arousal, that will probably make it easier to have an orgasm when doing something else. Or you could have a G-spot orgasm before having intercourse, if that works better for you. You could also see if using a vibrator or your fingers on your clitoris during sex does the trick. After all, 70 percent of women report that they need some clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, so you’d be in good company.