TresSugar

E. Jean Is Back, Offering Advice to a Woman Who Hates Her Man's Scent!

DearSugar — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 09:00:00 -0700

Dear E. Jean,

I'm a lawyer who is seeing a kind, generous, sweet, gainfully-employed man. But in conversations with friends, I refer to him as a "smothering barnacle." I also actively avoid kissing him, can’t stand the way he smells, and his baby kisses on my forehead make me want to scratch his eyes out.

I'm almost 37, never been married, and he is a great guy, but he smells so bad (to me) that I can’t bear to be near him, though he'd probably smell irresistible to some other gal who actually loved him. Do I break up with the best guy who's ever come along? - Texas Attorney

To see E. Jean's answer, read more.

Texas, My Trollymog,

Though 99.9 percent of the Dears are dying to tell you to get RID of the fellow (and are ready to strangle me for even running this question) . . . I quite like him. He doth reeketh a whiff? So what? That scent he's wearing is called "eau de employed." In this economy, honey, you may have forgotten what a man who holds a job actually smells like.

And come on, Miss Dainty Doily, how over-refined have you Texas attorneys become? Since when does a little tang banish "the best guy who's ever come along?"

Grab him by the ears and say, "Dude. Kill the baby smooches. I’m gonna show you how I like to be kissed." And when he leans in to begin the lesson, hold up your hand, smile and whisper: "Ahhhhhh - not so fast, you bewitching animal! Your man scent is a little too intoxicating for me. So look what I found . . . " And here hand him a box of hand-soaps, shampoos, and aftershaves. (If you're the high-strung Gossip Girl type - and aren't we all? - drive home your point by removing the top from the aftershave, sniffing and staggering backwards with your hand fluttering at your heart. He'll get the picture.)

A woman can always - always! - improve a "kind, generous, sweet" man because he wants to please you. Indeed, I once scrubbed down one of my husbands in vinegar and drove him around with his head hanging out the window till he dried off.

P.S. If you've washed him up and still want to wash him out, re-gift him to the ladies on GreatBoyfriends.com and chalk it up to a bad case of the "McClintocks." Martha McClintock, PhD, of the University of Chicago, has discovered that you're a sucker for gentlemen who smell like you do, but not exactly like you do; and you go wild for a fellow who smells like your dad, but not precisely like your dad. The theory is you will choose a mate with an immune system which will give your offspring a better chance in life.

But to hell with Martha! You have 50 or 60 years worth of olfactory foul-ups and fun in front of you.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean: How Do I Explain My Extreme Shyness?

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 10:00:20 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

Whenever I meet a girl I don't know, I suffer from truly spectacular social awkwardness. It's difficult for me to function at any level, including breathing. The result: I'm 40, and I've never had a girlfriend. Never even come close. I've gone out on three dates in my life, each one a disaster. It didn't help that I lived at home into my mid-30s - way too long, I now realize. I'm trying to change my life. I've moved out, bought a house, and have been working hard to overcome my shyness. I've begun having conversations with people I don’t know well. To my immense relief, I'm getting better with practice.

So the question is, now that I'm working up the courage to begin dating, how and when do I tell someone about my odd case history without throwing them for a loop or appearing to be way too peculiar and turning them off completely? Yes, I'm also worried that I'll make every other dating faux pas in the book, but one problem at a time. (Please, please, please no 40-year-old virgin jokes.) - Self-Conscious Enough as It Is

To read E. Jean's advice, read more.

Self, My Swordsman,

I beg your pardon. Did you say . . . three? Only three disasters, sir? Hell, there are hundreds of social catastrophes for you to enjoy. Get ready. Here are your five steps to victory:

Lay Plans: Go to your local church and sign an "abstinence pledge." Statistics show you will lose your virginity within seconds after leaving the building.
Know Your Weak Points: Don't date. It will kill your social life.
Vary Your Tactics: Instead, go to meetup.com. It's genius! Scroll through the dozens of inspiring, egg-heady, wild, world-bettering get-togethers in your area and choose a group that you like. (Yes, there are "virgins" meetups, not to mention the "Beltway Atheists." And if you don't join a group that is at least half women, I'm going to come to your town and hold a meetup called "Bang Jim.") Then all you have to do is show up. Shake hands. Share a beer. No pressure. Make friends of all ages and both sexes.
Wage the PR War: Your story: single guy, a bit shy, good job, owns his own home, no baggage.
Allow Yourself to Be Conquered. And when you get effed-up and shaky in the middle of a conversation-excellent! Most young ladies will walk over their own grandmothers to find a man who will listen to them. (Sun Tzu says the warrior who "gathers the highest intelligence" achieves the "greatest results.") So don’t worry. Wear something handsome, look her in the eye, ask a question, listen, throw out a compliment, ask another question, and in a few weeks you’ll be poking like blazes! Good luck!

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: We've Both Gained the Newlywed 15 - Help!

E Jean Carroll — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:00:00 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

My husband and I have been married one year and we're very much in love. What's the problem? We're getting fat and we blame each other! Instead of the Freshman 15, we’ve each put on the Newlywed 15 in less than a year. We’ve tried dieting together, but we fall back into bad eating habits during times of stress or celebration. My husband is a fan of the low-carb diet; I don’t think a life without carbs is worth living. He likes lifting weights and running; I prefer yoga. It’s impossible!

But no matter what E. Jean, we’re too attractive to let ourselves go! I haven’t been feeling as confident as I used to, and this affects our marriage in more ways than one. When I feel badly about myself I can’t give my husband the attention he deserves. We should be feeling frisky and sexy, not flabby and irritable! Help! - Fat and Unhappy in Houston

To see E. Jean's answer read more.

E. Jean to Houston,

Darling, I’d like to see you and your husband try to keep the weight on after you have a whirl at this. (I’m a moron for not thinking of this years ago!)

Go to Flaab.com. Decide how much money it’s worth to each of you to get rid of the 15 pounds forever - $15? $50? $150? $500? (I know people who’ve spent $5,000 a year since the Reagan Administration trying to lose the same 20 pounds.) Decide the date by which you want to lose the weight. Then tell Auntie Eeee the name of your husband’s ex-girlfriend. Because Auntie Eeee is going to send her the money if you don’t lose the weight.

Yes, and to make doubly certain you don’t "fall back into bad eating habits," the note I’m sending to the ex-girlfriend (along with your money) will say you’re such a delightful dingbat that you want her - the ex-girlfriend - to take your husband out to dinner because you’re no longer feeling "frisky and sexy" and can’t lose 15 pounds. (By the way, the note I’d be sending to your ex-boyfriend because your husband can’t lose the pounds is even more entertaining.)

Of course, you’ll get the money back if you do lose the weight; not that you’ll be able to look at food again. And if there are no exes in the case, you can name a horrid ex-boss, a mean girl from high school, or a nasty political group like Kill the Whales.

So let’s do it. The $40 billion-a-year diet industry has wasted everyone’s bread long enough! You can help feed the world’s hungry by stipulating that the United Nations Food Programme receives a percentage of the money you put down. My friend, Kenneth Shaw, a brainiac economics guy out of Stanford, has made the site so simple (no pictures! no bilge!) it’s almost Google-esque.

And best of all? On Flaab.com, you can maintain your svelte self by stipulating that the cash will go to your husband’s ex (the guy who stole your promotion, a puppy mill, etc) if you gain a pound back. Enjoy!

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

Best of 2008: Ask E. Jean For DearSugar

DearSugar — Thu, 25 Dec 2008 08:00:00 -0800

We've been lucky enough to have my hero, E. Jean Carroll, guest write for DearSugar for two years now, and I can't wait to see what she has in store for us in '09! You may not always agree with her advice, but she sure knows how to bring some spice and flavor to site. In case you missed any of her posts, check out my five favorites from 2008 below:

Is your favorite post listed? If not, tell us what it is!

Ask E. Jean For DearSugar: I'm Happy, But Not Sexually Pleased

E Jean Carroll — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 13:30:00 -0800

Dear E. Jean,

I’m 25 and have been with my boyfriend, a perfect gentleman, two years. In the beginning everything seemed wonderful; and things are still great except for the sex. We just can’t get it right these days. Either we have sex and it ends in disaster (over too quickly), or we make no attempts to do it at all.

I mean he tries to make "moves," but I usually reject him because I’m no longer turned on (mainly because I know how fast it will be over.) I can count on a few fingers the times I’ve had an orgasm with him in this two-year relationship! Aside from the sex we’re pretty fabulous together. He wants me to be happy; but I’m starting to feel desperate. We plan to marry next year! - Pleased, But Not Satisfied

To see E. Jean's answer read more.

But Not, My Blossom,

My God! Has the man never heard of oral sex? Give him Dr. Ian Kerner’s She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman and hold a vibrator to his head until he reads the entire chapter called, "The Tongue Is Mightier than the Sword." After that ask him what he likes. It’s time you both develop sexy curiosity and open minds.

To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.

How Well Do You Know E. Jean?

DearSugar — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

E. Jean is enjoying some time off this month, so I thought it'd be fun to test your knowledge of our ever-wise and witty friend Auntie E. As you all know, she's quite a character, but you might be surprised by some of the interesting facts you're going to learn about her in this short little quiz. Enjoy!

Take the quiz

Welcome E. Jean from Elle Magazine!

DearSugar — Wed, 09 May 2007 23:33:41 -0700

I am thrilled to announce that Elle Magazine's veteran advice columnist E. Jean Carroll is joining forces with the Sugar Network to lend her no-nonsense advice and witty sense of humor to DearSugar.

Tune in every Thursday to read E. Jean's responses to your burning questions and secret desires. Your questions will be chosen at random and as always, will remain anonymous so please keep them coming by clicking here.

If you can't wait for either myself, or E. Jean to get back to you, you can still submit to group therapy by clicking here.

Another new and exciting feature we just launched is pictured below. Now you can get an instant video response from E. Jean herself by typing in your question in the box below "Editor's Picks" over there on the right hand side of your screen. Don't be fooled, although this feature looks like an ad, you will instantly get a video response after pressing "Go", so give it a whirl! I hope you are as excited as we are. Stay tuned!

E. Jean Comes to Life!

DearSugar — Tue, 30 Oct 2007 16:00:00 -0700

If you haven't noticed by now, I am a huge fan of E. Jean Carroll. And just in case you have been living under a rock and somehow missed her weekly column on DearSugar, click here to get all caught up. You won't regret it, I promise!

In the meantime, if you're a super fan like me, check out yet another smart and witty video of E. Jean herself dishing out some advice on how to cope with your best friend who doesn't believe in personal hygiene! Enjoy, and stay tuned until Thursday for E. Jean's new Q&A!

E. Jean Comes to Life!

DearSugar — Tue, 23 Oct 2007 16:00:00 -0700

In the meantime, if you're a super fan like me, check out yet another smart and witty video of E. Jean herself dishing out some advice on how to cope with your best girlfriend coming on to you even though you don't bat for her team. Enjoy, and stay tuned until Thursday for E. Jean's new Q&A!

E. Jean Comes to Life!

DearSugar — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 16:00:00 -0700

In the meantime, if you're a super fan like me, check out yet another smart and witty video of E. Jean herself dishing out some advice on how to cope with homeless people asking you for money. This is definitely going to hit some of your nerves, so let me know if you agree with Auntie Eeee!! Enjoy, and stay tuned until Thursday for E. Jean's new Q&A!