TresSugar

What's the Deal With Dry Orgasms?

DearSugar — Thu, 08 Nov 2007 08:00:00 -0800

A while ago, I answered a question about a woman who was dating a guy who lost both of his testicles in a car accident. It wasn't clear if this man could have an erection or an orgasm, but that post brought up many questions about orgasms and how it's possible to have one if you don't have any semen.

Here's the deal. Some men have what's called a dry orgasm. This means that they can have an erection, but when they climax, no semen gets ejaculated out of the penis. There can be several causes of dry orgasms:

Surgical removal or damage to the testicles, bladder, or prostate.
Radiation therapy directed at the pelvic area (such as for treatment of prostrate cancer).

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Another cause could be something called retrograde ejaculation. Instead of semen coming out of the penis, it gets forced into the bladder when he climaxes. Diabetes or injury to the bladder could cause this condition.

Dry orgasms usually don't present any health problems, but they could prevent a man from being able to father children. The good news is that it's possible to extract sperm from the man and use it to artificially inseminate a woman.

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Hump Day: Why Do I Get Dry Sometimes?

TresSugar — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's sex advice column. Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

"I get really dry sometimes when my boyfriend and I are having sex. I know all about lubricants, but I'm having trouble guessing when I might need help." To read Dr. Glickman's response, read more

There are a lot of reasons why women experience fluctuations in how much they lubricate. For some, it’s just part of the menstrual cycle. Some women lubricate more at ovulation, while others say that’s when they’re driest. Lots of women also report that their vaginal lubrication changed when they got pregnant and again, some say that they became much wetter and others say that they got drier. So while we know that changes in hormones can influence it, there’s a lot of variation in how much and in what direction. It’s also worth mentioning that menopause generally reduces how much lubrication your body will produce.

Lots of medications and drugs also affect vaginal lubrication, even if it’s rarely listed on the bottle or box. For example, allergy medications are formulated to dry the mucous membranes in your sinuses, but they can do the same to the vagina. Anti-depressants, antihistamines, anxiety medications, smoking cigarettes or marijuana, and drinking alcohol can do the same. In general, if a medication or drug makes your mouth or sinuses dry, it could also reduce vaginal lubrication. Unfortunately, most doctors are unaware of these effects or they don’t feel comfortable talking to their patients about it.

I think it’s really unfortunate that we have this cultural myth that vaginal lubrication is proportional to arousal. Many women find that they can be totally turned on while being pretty dry and others might be quite wet while barely aroused. The best thing we can do is learn to separate the two things in our minds.

You say that you know about lubricants, but for the folks who don’t, here’s a little info.

There are pros and cons to the lubricants on the market, and it can take a little experimenting to find one that will work for you. You might also find that a lube that worked great for a long time isn’t working so well anymore. It’s kind of like shampoo or skin lotion - after a while, you might need to change brands as your individual chemistry changes.

Water-based lubricants can be thin and slippery, or they can be thicker gels. They rinse away really easily, making cleanup a snap, but they do dry out after a while. The glycerin-based lubes last a bit longer, but they tend to get sticky when they dry out. You can add a little water or saliva to freshen them up. While glycerin doesn’t cause yeast infections, it can make one worse if you get one for some other reason, so if you’re prone to yeast infections, avoid these lubes. The glycerin-free lubricants don’t get sticky, but they usually don’t quite last as long. They soak in like hand lotion, so adding water doesn’t work; you need to add some more.

Silicone lubricants don’t dry out (so if you spill some on the kitchen floor, be sure to wipe it up) and are hypoallergenic. They’re also waterproof, which is a plus if you want to have sex in the shower but it can make them a bit trickier to clean up and they sometimes stain sheets. They’re also hypoallergenic and have no taste or scent.

Some people like to use oils as sexual lubricants. If you want to give them a try, use something organic and vegetable-based, such as coconut or almond oils. Mineral oils like baby oil or Vaseline actually dry the skin since the body can’t absorb them or break them down. Coconut oil is solid at room temperature, so it doesn’t go rancid. Keep almond oil in the fridge. And never use oils with latex condoms, diaphragms or cervical caps. Oils will make them dissolve: a condom will break in about 30 seconds if it comes into contact with oil.

A few tips for using lubricants. First, keep the bottle near the bed. You’ll want to be able to grab it when you need it. Second, pump bottles make it a lot easier to add more without fumbling to get the bottle open. Third, if you accidentally get too much lube out of the bottle, don’t put the extra back in. You don’t want to contaminate the bottle with anything that might be on your hand. And lastly, many lube makers offer single-use packets or small bottles. While they cost more per ounce than larger bottles, you can stick them in a pocket or purse pretty easily, not to mention your carry-on bag.

So I think that the best thing for you to do is to keep lube handy and use it when you need it. It takes about 5 seconds to apply and it’ll make sex a lot more fun. And don’t stress about whether it means anything that you sometimes need a little extra slipperiness.

Don't forget to send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman will offer his sound advice!

Hump Day: I Want to Orgasm Without a Vibrator!

TresSugar — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 04:00:00 -0700

Welcome to Hump Day, TrèsSugar's new sex advice column! Are you confused about sex? Do you have trouble having an orgasm? Is there something you'd like to try but you're worried it's too weird? Send your questions to TrèsSugar, and our friend Dr. Charlie Glickman from Good Vibrations will offer his sound advice!

Today's Question:

“I'm 22 and have masturbated basically as long as I can remember. It wasn't until getting a vibrator about a year ago that I finally had an orgasm, but I have yet to have an orgasm with my boyfriend without using my vibrator. We've tried missionary, doggy-style, cowgirl, him going down on me - nothing but the vibrator gets me off. I would love to have an orgasm with my boyfriend without the electrical help. Any advice?“ To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more.

Hi,

This is a really common situation - it happens much more often than most people realize. It turns out that some women need to learn how to have an orgasm. Not just in the sense of figuring out what feels good to them, but also in the sense of having their bodies learn how to do it. Fortunately, since you’ve had orgasms with a vibrator, we can probably set aside the different medical reasons that can get in the way.

Most women report that they need some sort of clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, so it’s not a surprise to me that trying different positions hasn’t done the trick. In fact, some women find that the reason that a particular position works for them is that they get clitoral stimulation from their partner’s torso, not because they get deeper penetration. Although you’ve tried lots of different positions, you might find that small things make a big difference - how you position your legs, for example, can have a big effect on how things feel. I can’t say for sure what will work for you since everyone’s a bit different, but one thing you can try is making small adjustments and seeing what that does.

It’s not clear from your question - have you tried using the vibrator while having sex with your boyfriend? For many women, that can be a way to take something that works and connect it with something different. I’ve heard from quite a few women that combining the two for a while eventually made it easier for them to have orgasms without the toy.

You could also try using your vibrator with your boyfriend for a while before shifting to intercourse. The more turned on you get before changing things up, the more likely it is that intercourse will put you over the top. Another option would be for you or your boyfriend to pleasure your clitoris by hand during intercourse. A little bit of lubricant can help with that - I like the silicone-based lubes because they don’t dry out and they’re safe to use with condoms. And if you don’t have an orgasm during intercourse, feel free to grab that vibrator afterwards and enjoy yourself. You can always give it another try next time.

Having said all that, it sounds like you (or you and your boyfriend) might be putting a lot of pressure on the idea of orgasms without a vibrator. Ironically, the more you stress over whether you’ll have an orgasm, the less likely it can be. It’s the female version of performance anxiety creating the very situation you’re trying to keep from happening, just as performance anxiety can lead to erection difficulties for a lot of guys. And in both cases, one of the best ways to respond is to not worry about it. I know that can sound like the line about “don’t think of a pink rhinoceros” but it’s often true that if you can enjoy what you’re doing without getting stuck in the “will it happen this time” loop, you’ll have a lot more fun.

One of the best ways to do that is to do whatever the two of you enjoy without stressing about using a vibrator. If a vibe is what you need at this point in your life to have an orgasm, go for it! It’s really, really likely that you won’t always need it - sexual response changes a lot and you will probably find that in the not-too-distant future, what works for you will be quite different. I’ve spoken with a lot of women who have found that they needed the intensity of a vibrator when they were younger and that when they got a bit older, things were very different. That’s one of the best things about sex: we get to keep trying new things. It’s kind of like food. Your favorite foods will probably also change over time, so you get to try new cuisines. The only thing that’s important is whether you’re enjoying whatever works for you right now.

If you want to do a little reading, there are some books I can highly recommend. I Love Female Orgasm is a fun read that covers pretty much everything - masturbation, partner sex, safer sex, toys, anatomy, and more. There are also lots of useful tips for women in your situation. Orgasms is an excellent guide for folks who want to figure out how to have an orgasm or how to have them more consistently. It’s a great read for partners, too. And Becoming Orgasmic is one of the best on the topic. It’s a bit more text heavy than the first two, but there’s an incredible amount of information there.

So the upshot of all of this is that the more you can relax and enjoy yourself without worrying about whether it’ll happen or not, the more fun you’ll have. And don’t stress about whether there’s something wrong with you - you’re not alone and lots of women have found that practice does, indeed, make perfect. Usually when you least expect it.

Have fun!

Hump Day: I'm Curious but Nervous About Back Door Action

TresSugar — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 07:00:00 -0700

Today's Question:

“I’m curious about having anal sex with my boyfriend, but I’ve had unpleasant experiences in the past. Any tips?” To hear what Dr. Glickman has to say, read more

I’ve noticed an increase in questions about anal play over the last few years, and while I think it’s great that more people are discovering new ways to experience pleasure, anal play isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Many people don’t enjoy it at all and unfortunately, some guys have a tendency to pressure their partners into doing it. Quite a few women report that their boyfriends have seen so much anal in porn that they’re convinced that every woman wants it. But sex in porn is like a car chase in an action movie. There’s a lot that happens behind the scenes that you don’t see in order to create the illusion that shows up on the screen; in the case of anal sex - lots of lube and warming up.

For some women, anal play (note: not just anal sex) heightens their orgasms. First, the anus is very sensitive and packed with nerve endings. Second, its muscles are connected to the rest of the pelvic muscles and contract along with the vagina during orgasm. Third, there are people who enjoy the experience of doing something naughty or taboo.

So now that we have that taken care of, there are three ingredients to hot anal play: relaxation, lubrication, and communication. Let’s take them one at a time.

Relaxation: the anus is made up of two rings of muscles and they’re under both voluntary and involuntary control. With practice, you can learn to increase how much control you have over your ability to relax. And ironically, if you’re nervous about anal play hurting or not being fun, it can make the anus get tighter, which makes it more likely to be unpleasant.

The best way to get started is to go slowly and start small. Try a little external pleasure with a finger or a slim vibrator. If you’re concerned about keeping things clean, slip on a glove. Experiment with tightening the anus and bearing down - you’ll be able to feel it contract and relax.

If you want to try penetration, go slowly and use lots of lube (either water-based or silicone-based, which doesn't dry out as easily but is harder to clean off). You’ll probably enjoy it more if you’re also doing something that you enjoy such as using a vibrator. Lots of women report that anal play on its own isn’t nearly as much fun as when it’s an add-on.

Communication: the anus is a delicate part of the body and it’s easy to get too rough with it. It’s super-important to be able to tell your partner when things are uncomfortable, if you need more lube, or if you want to try something else. For that matter, it’s important to be able to say something if you’re not enjoying it, or if you’re experiencing any pain. And if your partner is pressuring you to do something that you don’t want to do, that’s a big red flag!

Important safety tips: any toys that you use for anal play need to be smooth, have a base, and ideally made of easy-to-clean silicone. Since the anus is so much more delicate than the vagina, it’s easy for toys with bumps and ridges to cause discomfort. (If you have a porous rubber toy or you’re not sure if it's made of silicone, cover it with a condom.) And NEVER put anything that has been used anally inside the vagina - that’s a great way to give yourself an unpleasant infection. Lastly, if your toy doesn’t have a base, there’s a chance that it could go all the way in and not come back out. That can mean a trip to the emergency room.

If you’re looking for more info, here are some great places to start. For books, I'd recommend Anal Pleasure & Health and The Ultimate Guide To Anal Sex For Women. For DVDs, Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Anal Sex and Anal Massage For Lovers are great.

I hope that helps! Email the folks at TrèsSugar if you have more sex questions. I’d love to hear from you.

What Happens During a Female Orgasm?

DearSugar — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 08:00:00 -0700

For those of you who have had the pleasure of having an orgasm (pun intended), you know that it is a sweet and satisfying sensation like no other. All women are different - some are quick to orgasm, while others need to be warmed up for quite a while. When it happens though, your entire body and soul feels utterly amazing.

So do you ever wonder what exactly is happening when you are about to reach your climax? Here's the deal:

Once a woman becomes sexually aroused, her heart begins to beat quicker, and she breathes faster. She'll tighten various muscles all over her body. Her breasts will enlarge slightly and her nipples will become erect. Some women's faces, necks or chests will become flushed. Also, her clitoris enlarges.
She'll notice that her vagina will have created a natural lubricant that will make sex much more enjoyable (if you're too dry, sex can really hurt).
Her labia (lips) will flatten out and open up. Inside, her vagina will lengthen and widen (preparing for you know what). All this happens because blood rushes to the pelvic area - called engorgement - and creates a pleasurably warm sensation in that area (you know what I'm talking about).

We're just getting started. Want to find out what happens next? Then read more

As arousal continues, everything becomes even more enlarged and all the changes mentioned above become more pronounced. Yet the woman's clitoris actually retracts under the hood and gets 50% shorter right before she climaxes.
When the woman reaches orgasm, her skin will flush and muscles all over her body will continue to contract. Blood pressure, heart rate, and breathing rates will continue to rise.
In the vagina itself, she'll feel rhythmic contractions in the outer part of the vagina, in her uterus and anus. These intense pulses happen about once ever second. Mild orgasms have 3-5 pulses, and intense orgasms have 10-15. Wow!

Did you Know? The muscle contractions you feel in your uterus when you have an orgasm actually have a purpose - they help to suck semen higher up into the vagina, making it easier for sperm to swim to your egg and help you get pregnant!

Medications That Have Sexual Side Effects

DearSugar — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 09:00:00 -0800

Taking medications for everyday issues and symptoms is pretty common. We take pills for pain, for allergies, to prevent pregnancy, to regulate our periods, and when we have a cold. Some of these medications can affect our sex lives though. Want to see which ones? Then read more

Allergy medicines: These treat itchy and watery eyes, stuffy and runny noses, and sinus congestion. They can also dry up other areas of your body, too, like your throat, mouth, and unfortunately, your lady business. Luckily it's nothing a little lubrication can't fix.
Cold medicine: Any meds that are designed to deal with nasal or sinus congestion, or a runny nose probably have a decongestant in them. Just like with allergy meds, these can dry out your lady business, too.
Antibiotics: It's important to know that these can make birth control pills ineffective, so you should use another form of birth control such as condoms while you're on antibiotics.
Hormonal birth control: If you aren't on hormonal birth control, when your body ovulates, it creates very wet, egg-like mucus. This is so when you have sex, the sperm can swim more easily to your egg. If you're on the pill, the patch, the NuvaRing, or any other form of birth control that stops you from ovulating, your body won't create that mucus and you can become pretty dry down there. Again, nothing a little lube can't fix. Some women also notice that hormonal birth control affects their sex drive, and they're not as excited to get it on.
SSRI antidepressants: Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs, include such drugs as Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft. They do a wonderful job managing depression and anxiety, but they can also decrease your sex drive or make it difficult to orgasm.

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Link Time!!

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 16:00:00 -0800

Whatever happened to the Saturday night date?" - Ask April
If you're expecting a ring, here are the top ten signs that he's ready to pop the question - iVillage
Suffering to be beautiful is nothing new - Jezebel
Why can I orgasm so easily with dry sex? - GoAskAlice!
Long live knickers! - DollyMix
Are you a prude? - gURL.com
What song did you lose your virginity to? - Daily Bedpost

Sexual Side Effects of Antidepressants

DearSugar — Thu, 20 Apr 2006 09:18:40 -0700

Dear Sugar
My doctor prescribed Prozac for me. I was depressed, anxious and generally malaise all of the time. I've been on it for 6 months and I feel a lot better, but I am completely unable to have an orgasm. I was warned that this could be a side effect but since I have a strong sex drive I thought I would be able to defeat it. Turns out I can't. I can masturbate for 2 hours straight and - nothing. It' very upsetting and I feel like my boyfriend is not as attracted to me since he's unable to please me. Dried Up Dominique

Dear Dried Up Dominique
Unfortunately that is a common tradeoff with Prozac. Evidence shows that Effexor and Paxil can also have similar side effects. However, after speaking to a group of Wellbutrin users, they feel differently. They reap the benefits of a healthy sex life, have no complaints of vaginal dryness or irritation and their depression is significantly alleviated. I suggest speaking to your doctor about the possibility of Wellbutrin. Keep in mind that each drug is not for everyone. Please listen to the medical advice of your doctor and don't experiment on your own.

You Asked: Is My Boyfriend Gay?

DearSugar — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 17:40:00 -0700

DearSugar --

My boyfriend of 2.5 years says he is not gay, but thus far, he has never been able to orgasm inside me, though he has tested negative for all physical causes of impotence. I'm his first girlfriend and he's 28. He lives in a dorm, and the other day, he told me how he was shocked to find a naked man drying himself off in the middle of the bathroom floor. He repeated this twice. I'm not sure what to make of all this. I'm going absolutely insane because I love him and don't know how I can ever know for sure if he's straight. Thanks! ~ Crazed Kate

To see DEARSUGAR's answer read more

Dear Crazed Kate --

I'm not sure how you'll ever know if your boyfriend is straight or gay, especially if, after almost 3 years, you still don't feel certain, Kate. If health problems are ruled out -- and they usually are -- the challenge becomes understanding the emotional, historical or psychological reasons behind the issue. I wish your partner would enter counseling, as he deserves the experience of a healthy, vital and authentic sexual life, whether he's gay or straight.

And I would say the same to you, Crazed Kate. We all need to explore, experiment with and enjoy our sexuality, and sharing that with a partner is especially satisfying. I know you love this man, but I hope you'll at least allow for the possibility that you can love him and still choose a relationship where you can feel more connected, safe and known, and in more ways.

I wish I had answers for you, but I only have questions, really. Maybe finding answers to these questions will lead you toward your own peace of mind. I hope that's true, at least.

Is your boyfriend troubled by his intimate experiences with you? Has he discussed with you any anxieties about his performance or what happens when you have sex together? Beyond the act itself, is there arousal and passion between the two of you? Is there kissing and touching? Does he initiate? Does he explore your body and ask you questions? Have you done the same with him? Has this issue been present since the beginning of your relationship?

Can you accept, for yourself, this kind of sexual partnership if your boyfriend is straight? Can you accept staying in the relationship and living with the uncertainty? Can you accept leaving the relationship and living with the uncertainty? Do you feel conflicted at all about your need to feel sexy and attractive? How important is it for you to express this part of your life? To what extent do you honestly doubt your partner's sexual orientation? Do you feel you need a concrete piece of evidence in order to legitimately move on from this relationship?

You might be surprised how many of us have experienced this particular dilemma. And many of us have felt kinda crazy throughout the experience. Sometimes, Crazed Kate, we must end relationships because of how powerfully unhappy we are, not with the person or the entire connection, but because something fundamental and crucial can not be resolved or shared with us. Others find they can move through and past core differences because so many other needs are met within the relationship. Even without certain knowledge about your boyfriend's orientation, I think it would be wise if you began to think about which choices you can make for yourself, and for your own reasons. Good luck, Kate.

Ladies, please help if you can.

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