TresSugar

You Asked: Are We Too Different to Make It Work?

DearSugar — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 06:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been dating this guy that I really like for a few months now and we've fallen quickly in love. I'm 26, he's 31 and this is the first serious relationship for both of us. We have a pretty good relationship for the most part, but when we touch upon sensitive subjects, things can turn a little sour. He loves luxuries (Italian designer clothing, nice restaurants, etc) but I prefer more simple things because I'd like to save money for the future. I want to get a master's degree within the next couple of years and he's stuck in a low paying job and doesn't seem to be doing much about it. I make more than him. He says he wants to find something better, but when I presented him with an opportunity that I heard about, he was more concerned about the transportation to that job than the wonderful opportunity. The job is only 35 minutes away by car and it pays a lot more than what he makes now.

When I was starting out in the working world, I did everything I could to find a good job, even if it meant I had to drive 40 minutes to work. My family did the same. He says he wants something better but that he isn't sure about what he wants to do in the future. I feel like we are on two different levels in our life and I'm starting to wonder if our relationship can work. I've talked to my parents about this and they feel like we are just too different, that we have different morals and that it could never work. I know he loves me and I want to be with him too, but now I'm confused. What do you think? - Mismatched Malorie

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Dear Mismatched Malorie,

You've heard of opposites attracting, and while I feel that saying holds true in some cases, I happen to believe it's the similar traits that really make for a long lasting partnership. Money and work ethic are huge subjects that must be discussed before entering into a long term relationship. Since you have such different views on life goals now, and since you're already becoming so irritated by his lack of drive to better his occupation, keep in mind that it could only get worse later down the road. I'm pretty sure you don't want to be a harping, nagging girlfriend and unfortunately, it's not very likely that you'll be able to change him.

One thing to keep in mind is how you react to each other when you do touch upon those sensitive subjects. It's important to have your own beliefs while respecting each others. I would keep getting to know each other better and follow your own feelings about this, not your parents. If you have to really question whether or not you're too different to make it work, chances are the answer is yes, but before you give up, make sure you have all the evidence you need to make the right decision. Good luck.

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Dude Punks the DMV

GiggleSugar — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 14:00:00 -0700

Most novice drivers are a nervous mess before buckling in and taking the dreaded driving exam, but not this punk. He was busy installing hidden cameras into the dashboard. A new California cell-phone law will prohibit driving and mobile talking come July - so over-the-phone convos are technically still legal. This dude wanted to push the envelope and see if he could take his calls and pass the driving test, too. Five failed exams later . . .

You Asked: His Sex Drive Has Disappeared

DearSugar — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:48:46 -0700

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. In the beginning, he was crazy about me and more into me, sexually speaking, than I was into him. At that time, we'd have sex pretty much every time we saw each other. A year into our relationship, he was having career and financial difficulties and moved into my apartment with me and my roommate; he pays for his part of the bills.

Now that we sleep together every night, we don't have sex as often as I'd like to. The longest we've gone is two weeks without it, and lately it will only happen if I initiate things. Sometimes I even have to coax him into it, and I end up feeling pathetic and desperate. We've talked about it a bit, and he said his sex drive has been down as a result of career and financial difficulties, which I know can greatly affect men. He's also not completely comfortable with the living situation and feels too dependent on me. I believe him and understand all of this but don't know how to deal with my frustration.

I know nagging won't help anything, but I find myself very confused, because when I do finally get him to have sex, it's always amazing and he loves it. So what should I do? Do I refrain from initiating and see what happens, or just accept it as it is right now and initiate and enjoy what I can get?

- Sexually Frustrated Sam

To see DearSugar's answer, read more.

Dear Sexually Frustrated Sam,

When a couple's sex drives don't match up, it's almost always frustrating in some way or another for both people in the relationship. However, it's definitely manageable! Keep in mind that as a relationship goes on and couples become more familiar with each other, there is nearly always a decrease in sexual activity, which is perfectly normal.

In your case, it sounds like many of the reasons causing a drop in your boyfriend's libido are only temporary. As you've pointed out, his current financial situation is making him feel emasculated, and as a result, he probably doesn't feel like he can be an aggressive sexual partner right now. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love having sex with you or feel attracted to you - your encounters when you do have sex have proven that!

It's more likely than not that as your boyfriend starts to get his life moving forward again, his sex drive will pick up too. In the meantime, don't be afraid to be the aggressor. There is nothing pathetic or desperate about trying to satisfy your sexual needs. I'm so glad to hear that you guys are communicating about this, so keep it up, and I'm sure you can work through this.

Source

Why Does the Pill Decrease Your Sex Drive?

DearSugar — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 15:00:00 -0800

Last week I asked how you felt about taking hormonal birth control, and the majority of you responded overwhelmingly that you're all for it. Even with the annoying side effects like moodiness, breast tenderness, and occasional weight gain, you thought that the near-perfect effectiveness when it comes to pregnancy prevention was worth it.

For many women though, taking hormones to control the cycle can affect your libido. To find out why, just read more.

Many women complain of sexual side effects while on the pill. This is because the pill has the ability to decrease the frequency of some women's sexual thoughts, and the hormones can make it more difficult for her to get aroused. It can also decrease natural lubrication, so if she does have sex, it can be painful. Some studies even say that these effects can last for months after a woman stops taking the pill.

The reason this happens may have to do with the drug's effect on a woman's testosterone levels, which is thought to help drive her desire. The hormones block testosterone production in the ovaries and increase the production of the protein that attaches to testosterone to make it inactive.

This isn't always the case, and some women may actually experience an increase in sex drive. Different hormones affect each woman differently, so if one pill isn't working for you, it may take some trial and error to find one that does. Some women may also benefit from switching to a different form of hormonal birth control such as the NuvaRing or the patch. So if you're experiencing a lull in the bedroom and you suspect it's from your birth control, make an appointment with your gyno to discuss other options because hey, there's no point being on birth control if you aren't into having sex!

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Group Therapy: What's Going on With My Sex Drive?

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 03:00:00 -0700

I am 24 years old and have been married for a year. When I started dating my husband I was 21 years old and a virgin. It was no problem for me to be turned on, and I actually considered myself to have a high sex drive. Because of a heavy workload and not taking care of myself, I lost too much weight and stopped having my period. Along with all of this came a severe drop in my sex drive.

As soon as we were married I was able to decrease my workload and really focus on getting myself healthy again. Now my weight has stabilized and my period has returned. However, my sex drive still seems to be absent. I rarely, if ever, am truly turned on. I also now tend to be pretty dry, which is embarrassing to even mention!

We normally have sex four to five times per week, which I think is too much for me, but I do it for him because I love him and I know men need the sexual connection with their wives. But I have considered decreasing to twice a week so that when we do have sex, I am more into it and can put more energy into seduction and romance. I need your opinions. Is this happening because of my past weight loss? The fact that he is the only one I’ve ever slept with? Or could it be that this is just how I am?

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To be involved in more GROUP THERAPY, click here]

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Germans Raise Steins to Oktoberfest, and Drunk Driving?

LibertySugar — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 03:00:34 -0700

Chancellor Angela Merkel and her fellow German politicians gathered in Berlin yesterday to kick off that city's beer festival. Beer lovers will tap Munich on Saturday, when Oktoberfest officially begins.

Guenther Beckstein, the governor of Bavaria, which includes Munich raised eyebrows recently when he said, "If one drinks the two liters over six or seven hours at the Oktoberfest, it is still possible" to drive. He's now retracted those potentially irresponsible comments.

Political opponents hope that Beckstein's statement on drunk driving could help them defeat him in elections on September 28.

Now that would be sobering!

View 4 Photos ›

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Relationship Protocol: Who Has the Stronger Sex Drive?

DearSugar — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 10:00:00 -0700

The desire for sex varies from person to person, and can range anywhere from a constant urge to a complete lack of interest. Essentially there’s no right answer for how often you should or shouldn’t want sex, but if you’re in a relationship, finding a mutual balance will go a long way in creating a harmonious sexual connection. I’m sure you all have your own happy medium, but ladies, in general, how does your sex drive differ from his?

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This or That: Weight Loss or Increased Sex Drive?

DearSugar — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 07:00:00 -0700

After working with your gynecologist to find a birth control method that’s better at preventing your terrible PMS and cramps, you’ve finally decided on one that sounds promising. And after taking it for only a few months, you notice some big changes, both good and bad. Would it be worse if . . .

This: Your PMS has totally disappeared along with 10 pounds, but so has your sex drive? You’ve never felt better about your body, but less in the mood.

Or . . .

That: You’ve got control of your cramps, and find yourself consistently in the mood to get frisky, but you’ve also packed on more weight than you're comfortable with? You've tried amping up the exercise, but it's not going away.

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I Hate When That Happens

GiggleSugar — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 15:00:00 -0700

So much for the convenience of a drive-though ATM.

You Asked: What Can I Do About My Low Sex Drive?

DearSugar — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 13:00:00 -0700

Dear Sugar--

For the past year I have lost most all of my interest in sex. The strange thing is I am only 20 years old.

I have been with my boyfriend for the past four years and I love him deeply and everything is fine between us. We don't fight often and I still find him very attractive. The sex is great, when we have it. I guess I don't find sex necessary in my relationship any more or I don't consider it as important as I used to.

My question is, is this normal for a 20 year old woman not to have a strong sexual drive? Is there any way to fix it? What is going on? I hope you can help.

--Not-Into-It Natalie

To hear DEARSUGAR's Answer, read more

Dear Not-Into-It Natalie--

Having a low sex drive might not be ideal, but it is totally normal. The good new is that it sounds like things are going really well for you and your long-term boyfriend, and you are able to show each other love in different ways.

You said the sex is good, but since it only happens few and far between, something tells me your head is elsewhere. Are you stressed out about work, money, friends or family? Are you exercising and eating right?

Chances are this is affecting your boyfriend as well, so be honest with him. Work together and maybe he can help think of new ways to excite you or re-connect as a couple. Movies and magazines makes us think that we should be having sex 24-7, but for most couples who work hard and have passed the honeymoon phase, 1-3 times a week is usually a more realistic goal.

Try to not be so hard on yourself. Over thinking this situation could backfire and end up being even more of a turn-off for you. I have a feeling this is just a phase, so give yourself a break from all the worry and you'll probably get back on track in no time. Good luck Natalie!

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